The idea is good and interesting, but I'm sorry to say that your writing has some flaws, and it could keep readers away. If you allow me to give you some advice...

The main problem, I think, is that your writing is a bit confusing. You should use more comas and points, the sentences can loose their meaning if there are too many words in a row, without any pauses.

Also, you need consistence. All the dialogues must start with capital letter, but you only do that with some of them. Also, remember to use the quote marks in the right way: this ( " ) is for the dialogues, and this ( ' ) is for thoughts or quotations. And (this is just a personal preference, not everybody does it) you could give a line to each dialogue, instead of leaving them inside of the paragraph. Like this:

  Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda.

   "Bla bla bla, bla bla.", said Yadda 1.

   "Bla bla bla?", asked Yadda 2.

   Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda, yadda yadda yadda. Yadda yadda yadda.

   And I think these are the main problems. The story itself looks interesting, I'm kinda curious to see where it goes. I hope these advices are useful to you. For your first time writing, it's not really bad, you just need to improve a bit.

Good luck

I have to ask. Does this story actually have to do with your cover picture? Because the cover picture is really awesome. And Alpha Scorpii has it right. A lot of work is needed to fix this. You also need to slow things down a bit. Give some reason, describe the environment. Hell, Describe Slenderman more. He's supposed to be a nightmarish, hellish creature that thrives off pain and despair. And for god's sakes, separate out your paragraphs. When he thinks, use italics, <or arrow brackets>. Hell, use ~tildes~ if you want. But please god do.

May your pen keep writing until the song in your heart is finished.

~E.C.

As a lurked of /x/, I find this interesting. I'm willing to watch where this goes.

>>274409274409 nope i just like the cover art sorry

Hmmmm, intredasting. I shall continue to watch this. Let's see how far this rabbit hole goes.

Awesome~

i like it my god sir javascript:smilie('');

AWESOME

Could someone PM me with the source for that cover art?

Random Fact of the Day: Harry Potter's ponified form has a cutie mark for cock-blocking Ron.

Also, Alpha Scorpii, when I read, "Bla Bla Bla?", I read it with Double D's voice in that one episode.

you're so awesome

The slenderman my one true fear but to be friends with him would be the best thing ever I would definitely exept these terms i would go up and say to him you are now my friend

>>290190290190

thanks this is my first time writing so i didn't know how it would go

Hey hey hey, stay out of my shed

you have gained my interest continue

I have also been friends with slenderman since the wee age of 7, he is a lot of fun to be around isn't he?

When I read this I can't help but picture myself in Jake's position which is not at all difficult because we are almost exactly the same.

I love the banter between jake and knight.  There has been times I needed a few minutes to calm myself from laughing so much.  Keep up the awesome work.   Also blueberry muffins rock but can't forget the awesomeness of double chocolate muffins or cheesecake.

MUST ADD SHIPPING!!!!!

...fuck yeah shadow powers, i like this story a lot.

So much grammar fail, spelling fail, argh, I love the story, but by Celestia's pastel rainbow beard, get thee unto an editor.

But as I said, great story. perhaps a bit oddly paced, but I think that was partially the lack of punctuation in some spots

Also why does everyhuman end up sleeping in the library at some point? This sounds like a ponytrope

Do you see the difference between "Very well then let's be off" and "Very well then, let's be off"? It's kinda important.

Pinkie is completely priceless, I love it!

Again picturing myself in his situation is so incredibly easy as we are almost exactly the same mentally and personality wise that I think I have the voices of the mane 6 in my head rummaging through my thoughts and memories at this very moment.

AWWWWWWH SHIIIIIIIT DASH

And then she was scarred for life..... dun dunn dunnnnn

Interesting and very cool.  

And the plot thickens...

For a demon that drove Slenderman, Knight sure is avoiding creating chaos or hurting ponies...

>>321946321946 that's because he's getting muffins

>>Kablex

I suppose. It just seems as though Slenderman would have had access to muffins too...

Swell chapter.  Also to subdue a demons hunger requires a sacrifice so I think muffins are a great alternative.  

>>323025323025 Nah, Slenderman is too infamous to ask for or buy muffins, doesn't want to steal them, and/or never asked. Although the muffin thing may have been a new development.

>>328848328848

I guess there's always the old standby, "being in Equestria changes the rules."

I demand MOAR

BTW,why he is not using his shadow arms or moving in shadows or something like that :|?

I ruined this part for myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcadIqFM49A&feature=related

unnecessarily big hunting knife is unnecessarily big

Lyra: 'Could you help me with getting something from the basement?

[FUCK THAT BAIL!]

{ROGER THAT THIS IS DELTA ONE WE ARE BAILING OUT}

Lyra: But...

*covers her mouth and gives her the look*

That is what I imediatelly thought of:

Image: http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y280/houseofgas/uguu.png

>>359345359345lol

>>359345359345

I will admit that was a great part.  Also grim great work I am thoroughly enjoyIng your progress.

>>359764359764

thanks

>>359345359345

lol

cool

You sir are fucking awesome.

I demand moar.

-LIKE TRACK EMAIL WATCH-

"FUS-RO-DAH!"

Another awesome chapter. Twilights part was good.  

Yay the doctor!

I mustache you question... What gave you the idea to create this masterful idea?

Minior spelling and grammar mistakes, but sill a very interesting piece!

SO, our Gary Stu has a dragon's horde, leverage on the Doctor, and House's limp, and has tamed the demon that forced Slenderman's hand with muffins.

It's a good thing I enjoy this sort of thing

>>372279372279

fair enough i'll see what i can do to make him more dimensional