My First Fic. I decided to do the generic idea of another Alicorn in equestria, but i decided to go something different and write the perspective of this new character in first person.

Please criticise and tell me what's to be changed as i'm still relatively unexperienced with writing stories

and please. no trolling.

nah, i kid. so far so good, I'm tracking it, I'll vote after a few chapters though (my usual policy.)

I'm not gonna lie, the writing needs a lot of cleanup. However, the story itself? It's got potential, for sure. I nearly laughed aloud a the idea of masking harmony inside the amplified frustration of last-minute shopping queues. I'm very interested to see where Chapter 1 will go.

>>297344297344

Thanks for the feedback, i guess i'll have to proof read it and fix it again

i'm still new to this but thanks for the encouragement

As long as you can avoid some of the stigma that Past Sins garners from its annoying hatedom, you can probably do something pretty good with this. Due to the somewhat similar premise, you can expect someone to make something out of it.

>>297465297465 wait what?!?! Past sins has a hatedom?!?!

I must remedy this atrocity! To the TARDIS!!!!!!

a few grammar errors but over all good

I will save my vote till there is more chapters but so far I like it

>>297465297465

Don't worry i am against plagiarism and copying ideas, though i will try to keep this as unique as possible

i know this story kinda shares similair traits but it will be different i promise

>>297546297546

As for grammar, it is being rectified

I'm not accusing you of stealing anything or trying to copy. I'm just saying that Past Sins does have a rather absurd group of haters and they will probably transfer that hate to your story because it has a similar element (Nightmare Moon reincarnated as a good pony). Be prepared to face some preposterous negativity.

Work on your proofreading, maybe ask around for a good editor, and above all have fun.

>>297669297669

Or not. The two spin offs of Past Sins on this site do not get that much attention good or bad, and only get a small bump in hate (and the rating system has been made less abusable since, as the haters are too lazy to do more than down vote them).

-------------------

Tracked for later.

Man, I can't keep up with your writing

Disregard next statement but... I liked the previous image more.

Keep 'em coming!

Just looking at the picture and description, my first reaction was:  "Past Sins rehash.  Somebody tell this guy it's already been done!"

I'm not averse to seeing it done again with a different spin, but you should know Past Sins has set the bar pretty high, and my loyalty to the holy trinity of Celestia, Luna and Nyx isn't going to be challenged easily.

*tracks*

Nice start, looking foward to seeing how you proceed with it.

There are a number of issues with case (e.g. "What I do know, however, is that the Magic of friendship, the one which on the other hoof, is one which completely destroys hate and anger within a creature.") that could use a sweep for, including a few places where the pronoun 'I' is in lower case. This applied to the previous chapter when I read it the day it wa released.

Intriguing. It's always fun to see people flesh out that Nightmare Moon story.

(Applejack is Honesty, not Loyalty, and while my eyes didn't bleed, there were some lowercase i errors and a couple extra apostrophes.)

>>311231311231

Thanks for that. fixed

>>309942309942 In the name of the Sun, the Moon, and the Nightmare. Amen.

I get the feeling that there are going to be some people upset with our comments.

D;awwwww! Dawn is adorable! And potentially excruciatingly heartbreaking if what I'm seeing unfolds as predicted.Good chapter :)

:How about we name you Red Eye, the Scourge of the Wasteland?

So much referential humor could have been had if Dawn was named Red Eye. Would have been funny if she had a bully named Little Pip or if Trixie hated  her with a passion and tormented her. Or if when ever she got a package, Derpy drops it from high up on Dawn's head.

You passed up a potential gold mine of humor and FO:E references by saying no to Red Eye.

: Luna I would never construct your acadamy near the Zebra border which could trigger a long bloody war that brings about the apocolypse that irradiates the land and poisons Canterlot for 200+ years.

That hooded instructor is begining to feel like that doucher head master that  manipulated Nyx in Past Sins.

>>326072326072

Who said I passed it up? Besides the story has only just begun

>>326320326320 *SQUEE*

Dawn is going to carry around a plush named Little Pip while rockin a purple vest and glasses isnt she?

OH! Shes going to get bullied by AppleSnack!

Im going to keep an eye out for FO:E and Past Sins references.

Facinating story, i can see a group of hooded ponies already rubbing their hooves in delight.

Good chapter and all but I found a small error.

“Now come Luna, go play by yourself, Mommy’s got a lot of work to do.”

should it not be like this?

“Now come Dawn, go play by yourself, Mommy’s got a lot of work to do.”

Iam only trying to help out I love the story keep up the awesome work :D

mvh Asabrasa

FIRST! (for ch.4)

I get the feeling that Dawn is going to be left with Pinkie and AJ while Rarity, Twi and Dash are following Spike and Fluttershy is at some unknown location. Dawn is totally going to pull some Nyx action with the CMC.

Next chapter is going to be interesting. I already feel for AJ

Edit: or rather second....

Dawn is just so A'dawwable

I'm really enjoying this story. Looking forward to the next chapter.

>>348668348668

huh? Oh I see what you did there

>>348792348792

Thanks,

Btw I really enjoyed your story 'the dark eternal night'

this is ósom!

AHW! you stopped JUST where I was looking forward to reading! big meanie...be sure to get more chapters out!

Hmmmmm crazy ponies in Taratus.... Sounds very interesting.

Twilight must be Celestia's daughter, since it would make sense being that Dawn and Twilight would secede Day & Night

Greek mythology? With ponies? Hmm, this will indeed be interesting.

o god...Dawn... RUN

>>382026382026RUUUUN AS FAST AS YOUR ADORABLE LITTLE LEGS CAN!!

We're DOOMED!!!!!!

lolz for all and O nooozzzz

>>382026382026>>382059382059  RUN NY-er I mean RUN DAWN! RUN!! HAUL YOUR ADORABLE BLANKFLANK OUT OF THERE!!

Quick question for eveyone, can anyone here actually pull off saying the alphabet backwards while sober? No one I know can, and my pool of friends and I are either in University/College or graduated.

>>387053387053 I did it one time in french for a bet...I won five bucks that day...never been able to do it agian and I sure as hell can't do it in english

>>387085387085 Which is your primary language?

>>387100387100 english...I took french 1 during the previous semester as a sophomore in high school

>>387136387136 Impressive

>>387484387484 perhaps, no idea how I did it

I like it...

>>297477297477

I don't like Past Sins, problem?

I hope Twilight goes straight up gangsta on Iron Hoof.

>>434812434812

WELL. I will give a mini spoiler.

Giant explosion imminent

Poor Iron Hoof.

ahahah iron hoof that's what you get for being a double agent!

I it! Great job!

>>434801434801 yes problem. Do you have a reason to not like Past sins?

>>438272438272

I don't like the idea of Nightmare Moon's soul/mind being put into a alicorn fillies body and I don't like the filly that Twilight has to look after, she cries too much and I thought the story was overall overrated and boring for my tastes in my opinion.

Heh, karma is a troll of epic proportions

>>438987438987 and I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to your own opinion, I just wanted to understand.

I think... I'm in love... with that picture. It's just so adorable~ Man, I kinda wish they had luna emotes. That'd be fun.

MOAR!

"They are all vaguely similar, however I can't remember where I had seen them before" I think that is supposed to say vaguely familiar not similar

Explosive Cupcakes most ilegal weapon in Equestria

>>468530468530Just under weaponizing cuteness which is pushishable by death.

DJ, your fic is amazing. Keep up the good work and whatever happens, KKA (Keep Kicking Ass). It's my motto.

lol at the ending

Poor guard... Remember kids! Liquid shrooms are not good for you!

>>468834468834

Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Heh, crazy twilight is best twilight You wrote her extremely well :) And poor creepy guard Iron Hoof. Still, karmic retribution.

>>309942309942

same here, but so far its doing a lot better than some of the other ones ive read

ha poor iron hoof

That poor, poor guard. Spy or not, he didn't deserve that.

If you even damage ONE of dawns hairs,or any nice ponys manes, i will have to hunt you down like a dog with rabies with a elephant gun!

>>497354497354

I'll go one better and use a tank's main gun.

Poor Dawn is having nightmares, Spike makes a mean apple pie, and Twilight has a "fun" time

Ahh, the good ol' "researching seeking to uncover that which should never be disturbed" obsessed focus. Never leave Canterlot without it!

Silly pony, you will itch.

I Cee what you did there.

And typo (s) like this:

Rarity sighed. “Little FIlly,

I kinda want to see dawns eclips form

The story that Twi reads to Dawn as a bed time story is Past Sins

Applebloom's class seat is seriously the worst seat of any classroom any where of all time.

So not only does Dawn have to deal with a conclave of ponies that need her to open up the gates of Tartarus but she also has to deal with her own version of Nightmare Moon.

Also the fun of Book Forts taken to the next conceivable level.

Good show.

Wait wait wait....

Nightmare moon is dragonborn?

Sees error, copy-pastes it into notepad.

3 errors later...

Stuff this, I just want to enjoy the story!

Here, you can have what I found:

CH 1

We shall bring eternal night, even if you have longs since given up the notion”

                                                                               ^ Not neccesary...

"I can be said we are not precisely fine...

^ Should be "It"

did you directed Nightmare Moon into the heart of friendship!?"

                       ^ -ed suffix should not be there

CH 2

as she just realized who she just ran into.

              ^                                 ^

Both "justs" are unneccesary, I would use "as she realised just who she ran into"

There you go. You're welcome. Sorry if I sound snappy. I just wanna get back to reading your marvelous story.

>>538067538067

Thank you. All criticisms are welcome

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww

look at you. you are shooooo cute

cant wait to see what happens next.

You need to work on your grammar, but the story itself and the character's development is quite good.  Not OOC, still canon.  it's a fine start.

this story was amazing (so far) I was laughing, feelin sad, and on the edge of my desk the whole time. Cant wait to read more :)

>>497506497506

We have a target for the Orbital Friendship Cannon.

And, if necessary, the Orbital Mass Driver...

i was expecting the 10 second this will destroy it self at the lol

I didnt want to like this, i really didnt. Alas, here I am loving every minute of it. Brilliant mate, just brilliant. Might i inquire as to why Cheerilee did not immediately jump on those two little demons that dared to talk trash to an Alicorn? Leaving out the fact that she is a princess, I just thought they would be asked to leave for the day or letters sent to their parents or something along the lines of punishment.  Especially with the way everypony had been treating her as royalty thus far.

.That was only the first day. I am now really scared.

hold me

>>294184294184

WHY? why do you not go on with your story? i like it too much

Ok, this story hasn't been updated in a year. I find that alarming

I'm sorry to ask but will this story be updated or is this story on the permanent back-burner?