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Comma-Kazie
Joined December 2011
463 followers
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Comma-Kazie
5
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486
Joined December 2011
463 followers
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60w, 1dThe Writer's Group
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62w, 2dgsrthd
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29w, 1dMLP: Motherhood is Magical
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If you say so.
To put this into the form of an example, You have your fishing line backwards.
What i mean is, the bait that is supposed to be hooking the reader for more is at the front, while all of the simple stuff is at the end.
I doubt that is something you could have properly avoided. Being a amateur myself, i can't properly say. But it's somethin to keep note of for next time.
Till then, 
I disagree. The hook at the beginning makes the reader want to know what happened -- the "simple stuff" afterwards is the beginning of the explanation, but it is not complete, and readers will need to wait for chapter 2 to learn more. It's possible that Chapter 1 could have ended on something more exciting to help keep readers glued, but I feel the original hook is sufficient.
To MacAttack:
Speaking on the story in general, it was easy to read and easy to follow (if you don't rush through it). I also get the impression our writing styles are similar, and in some ways I like yours better, so it gives me ideas for how to improve on mine. You're clearly capable of writing well, so keep it up if it interests you.
>>395792 >>395937 I have readers debating the meaning of my first chapter? You have no idea how much this made my day. Seriously. Thank you all, and I promise I'll answer all of your questions by the end of the story.
>>463967 But I already have a mustache! AND a beard! How do you intend to pay this debt now? MWAHAHAHAHA!!!! 
>>464018 MUFFIN!!!
*smacks into screen*
I noticed in Chapter 1, the issue of "outliving" was never discussed, but now it has been. Neat idea on the parallel story though, alternating between a current and past timeline. The past timeline is gradually leading up to a connection to the current timeline, but as yet hasn't answered the question, so the hook continues!
What has happened to Twilight is still vague. Based on the sound of cracking, crying, and Fluttershy being "stained red" from working on her, I'm convinced Fluttershy was breaking glass bottles of ketchup on Twilight's head to try to distract her from something else. 
Perhaps she applied the facehoof at the end with far too much force... 
I kid. Looking forward to reading more.
>>464569 *twirls mustache with intrigue* This is fortunate, I've been running low. Also: my golden retriever actually does this, and it's so d'aw-worthy I couldn't keep it to myself.
>>465304 >>465534 *holds cupcake hostage* Nopony panic! I shall release it in exchange for an honest, thorough review. Or cash, cash is also acceptable.
>>465727 I'm not writing this story correctly if it isn't tugging at your heartstrings at some point. It does have a "Sad" tag, after all.
>>466236 FINALLY SOMEBRONY NOTICES!! Writing in media res has driven me up the wall, and I'm pleased to hear that you think it's working.
An honest through review, huh? Simple nuff.
Since im a pony of few words, i will say that i say nothing wrong with this chapter.
Plus the scene with the Pegesi evac and Fluttershy coverd in blood has hooked me until next chapter.
Being the kind of guy i am, i can get a vauge idea of where this story is going. But as for the specifcs, which are the parts that actually matter, i've nary an idea. And i hope not to be dissapointed.
Let us proceed, hmmm?
And you can release the Sapphire cake now. 
>>473868 You want a review fine
Great chapter, I'm honestly worried for Twilight's health, with Fluttershy's hooves covered her blood, my worry sky-rocketed. Rarity is a mess and more or less traumatized by what happened(hope she gets over it). AJ has been the middle mare so far and hasn't done too much except calm Rarity down. Overall it's going great keep it coming
NOW GIVE ME BACK MY CUPCAKE
Okay.
1. I really like this story.
2. That being said, I'm suffering from a case of emotional whiplash. You go WAY to quick between sad and comedy. If I was writing this(Thank God I'm not because I'm a terrible author) I would keep the comedy in the flashbacks. If my best friend was near death and crying in pain, I wouldn't be laughing at George Carlin, let alone a plot joke.
>>480116 You make a valid point, and I'll keep that in mind for future chapters. As it stands for this one, though, I'm going to leave it be: I haven't been able to find a way to make this chapter transition as smoothly without that scene. I may come back to that once I have this story done and am revising in preparation for EqD, and if that's the case I'll let everyone know via the blog.
M'kay. An interesting read so far, though Rarity needs to realize this shouldn't be a tale to drag out. The doctors really need to know how what happened so they can plan and Rarity's dragging flank.
So Rarity,
"Even after we brought him back to Ponyville, he still wanted to know everything he could about dragons! Princess Celestia sent us dozens of books on their history, culture, mythology—even biology! Heh, he wouldn’t touch eggs for three days after we read that chapter.”
I kinda find it funny when people bring things like books about dragons, or ask the princess about dragons to explain something about dragons or spike in their fanfics. I can never get past the question "how is their a book on x subject when twilight stated ponies no almost nothing on dragons because they are to scary to study or talk to."
Anyways its interesting
>>757632 Note that they had ask the princess for those books. In most of said fanfics, they got the books from her too. Also, even though ponies know next to nothing, I'm pretty sure the princess doesn't find them so scary. Also note that this is only my speculation on the matter.
>>492115Nice story! Can't wait for the next chapter!
This story is amazing! I can't wait to read more!
Oh, it looks like I'm all caught up. I wonder when the next chapter comes out...
Solar flaring orgasms of Celestia!!! On HIATUS?!?
(In Darth Vader voice)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 
P.S.
On a more serious note: You are an amazing author, and you really know how to tug at the ol' heartstrings. I would really love to see you finish this one day.
First off I want to apologize for the extra long comment but I want to say everything that’s on my mind and I believe in details, details, details when giving a review no matter if the story is eight years old and everything’s already been said. Future reviews if any will be much shorter though seeing as I reviewed two chapters in one here.
This has been a good read so far and I’m looking forward to more. Personally I love how you do the characters personalities especially Pinkie Pie. I feel they are spot on and that I am actually watching an episode of the show, beside the more teen to adult parts of course.
I would love to quote some other comments here but I’m fairly new to all this and don't want to appear more stupid than need be. (Waits for everyone to finish laughing at my inability to know how to appropriately quote "Edited" I just realized there was a reply button in the corner. I will come edit this and shorten it a little later). Anyway as some others have said, I feel that having the story start off like it did and then go to flashbacks was a good choice. If this story had been just about Twilight and Rarity collecting gemstones with promises of adventure I wouldn't be nearly as interested.
As far as the switching between flashbacks and real time or just keeping it one or the other for a chapter or two, I feel how you've been doing it is great. I'm not much of a writer but when people read my stories I want them to actually "feel" when reading it. When you have such a serious tone then switch it to a humorous one it make people feel even worse cause they know that this is going to end very badly. This also makes a great hook because people will want to know what’s going to happen to Twilight, not only in the present but the flashbacks as well.
My main question right now is where is Spike during all of this? You would think he would be right there with her unless the realization that she may leave him forever is just too much for him to handle. Still, he should of at least helped them, unless of course he left early or something of that nature and doesn’t know yet.
My only real problem with this story so far is how Rarity is acting when telling the story. From the summary and how you’re describing her condition, it seems most likely a life and death situation or at least a very serious condition. To me though it just seems like they are not worried "enough" over her situation. In a similar scenario I would give a quick story to catch everyone up on what happened and wait till I knew for sure that she is okay in a hospital before giving a full story of the events which I would be telling to the doctors first so they know everything that went down. We know she at least broke some bones but what if she had been poisoned or something else. The doctors have to know everything that happened so they can get everything they need to help her. Because of this it seems like she simply fell off the mountain and broke her legs or something similar. It’s enough to be worried over and crying about but not enough to have a constant strain of anguish that my friend in the other room may die which I think is what you were going for. I may of course simply be reading too much into it but these are my opinions and just that, opinions.
Ending it on a good note, I’ve enjoyed reading all of your works so far and look forward to more, you have a fan.
I see you may have abandoned this. I really see potential in this, as I don't think I have seen a story like this. You're writing style and transitions between each actions were very good. I have a feeling it is either extreme writer's block, which I have frequently but take long walks for inspiration, or you have lost interest. I am here to tell you that this was very good and deserves a bit more attention. But this is completely up to you as the writer is always right.
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