Applejack becomes a G.E.S.P. A Genetically Enhanced Super Pony, who was preserved in a block of ice 20,000 years ago when the fall of Equestria began, and now must adapt to a new way of living to the simple things she knew back then. The good thing is, she doesn't remember the things she knew back then, but that doesn't stop her from asking questions...
Will her friends become her enemies? Or decide to start questioning the ponies they used to trust with her? Maybe an unlikely romance will blossom, or will be lost along the way?
Decisions will be made.
Friends destroyed.
And lies will be told.
[Some characters are not shown for the surprise c; And their may be a bit of romance/slice of life in this.]
Chapters (1)
There are a couple of things right here, but unfortunately also a whole lot of things wrong. I hope you won't mind too much if I point out the mistakes as I see them.
You use too many comma's when you should have used periods.
You narration comes of as odd, and/or lacking in many places.
Your pacing is definitely off.
Some of the country slang you used seems out of place or... Italian(its'a me applejack).
And your description of environments is often lacking as well.
Mistakes like these aren't necessarily uncommon, they are usually a product of overconfidence that is often found in new writers
. You can keep writing in this style if you want to, but I would suggest you give the Fimfiction writing guide a once-over.
www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
Additionally, www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/ can also help you out by giving constructive criticism. Just make sure that you post something short and well thought out if it is your first time submitting writing for reviewing.
I hope this helps more than it hurts
.
3206803
Thank you so much for the tips c: I'll try to do better on my next chapter and go through to fix some mistakes in the story so far. Plus, now that you mention the Italian accent I can see what you mean.
3207771
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your quite welcome, I was afraid I might have been too harsh in my critique
If you ever need something proofread in the future, send it my way. I'm always willing to help the pony folk when I have the time.
3208406
Aww thank you so much