The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship
Chapter 75: Twilight Vs. Innuendos
-ooooooo-
“Hey everypony!” Spike said cheerfully as he held the library door open. “The circus is in town!”
Pinkie’s jaw dropped as clown and acrobat ponies begin to pour into the library.
“Huh,” Spike uttered, “I wonder how we’ll get that elephant in…”
‘Prrrrrrumph!’
Pinkie’s angry, bloodshot eyes shot open as she stared at Twilight, “You take this mirror into the bathroom! YOU TAKE THIS MIRROR INTO THE BATHROOM, RIGHT NOW, OR I’M GOING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHEW THROUGH DIMENSIONS!”
Twilight paused, “Wait…can you do that? ‘Cause if you could, I mean…that would solve…”
“TAKE THE BUCKING MIRROR INTO THE BATHROOM!” Pinkie commanded.
“Alright already!” Twilight replied. Her horn glowed purple as the same glow enveloped the mirror and lifted it into the air. Twilight bee-lined for the bathroom, but stopped when she noticed a line of ponies eager to get it.
“Uh, Pinkie?” Twilight said, turning the mirror to face the line.
“Oh, for the love of Celestia!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Just a minute~!” The princess called out from behind the bathroom door. “We princesses need to use the restrooms, too from time to time. Twilight, my dear? Are you there?”
“Uh, yes Celestia…” Twilight replied.
“You really should invest in better toilet paper now that you’re a princess. This three-ply might as well be sandpaper.”
Twilight’s face flushed crimson, “Uh…sure Celestia…”
Pinkie paused, “Wait, you’re still using three-ply?!”
“I thought I was doing pretty well in the world of toilet paper!” Twilight cried.
“Twilight, Twilight…” Pinkie said, tut-tutting her friend, “You simply have not lived until you feel smooth Egyptian cotton against your…”
“PINKIE!”
“WHAT?!”
“Can we maybe have this conversation somewhere a little more private?!” Twilight asked.
“Oh…right…TAKE ME OUTSIDE!” Pinkie demanded.
“Outside? How the hay is outside more private?!”
Pinkie cocked her head to the side and stared out at Twilight with large, frustrated eyes, “Well, apparently every pony in Equestria is in the library right now!”
“No they’re not!” Spike called out. “There’s a few more still trying to get in!”
“Heeeey~,” A goggle wearing white unicorn with a spiked, electric-blue colored mane said, “now this is a rockin’ paaaartaaay!”
A grey earth pony with a black mane quizzically took in her surroundings, “Why is everypony just wandering into the library, I wonder…?”
“You think too much, Octi,” The google wearing unicorn replied. “I should go get my DJ equipment,” she mused as she grinned and rubbed her forehooves together.
Pinkie’s eyes began twitching rapidly as her face contorted into a shifting mass of twisted anger.
“The library is full to the roof,” A zebra with her mane styled into a mohawk commented, “this goof is getting out of hoof.”
“SEE TWILIGHT!” Pinkie said, motioning at the zebra. “Even Zecora thinks this is getting ridiculous.”
“Uh…you know what?” Twilight said. “Outside sounds like a good idea…”
Twilight made her way through the library, mirror in tow. “Excuse me! Pardon me! Princess with a magic, dimensional-contacting mirror coming through!” She called out as she pushed her way past the mass of ponies towards the Library’s back door.
Soon, Twilight and the mirror were outside in the empty, quiet Ponyville day.
Pinkie sighed, “Finally!”
“Hey girls!” Flash Sentry called out from the Library doorway. “What’s…”
“I WILL CUT OFF YOUR WINGS WITH A CHAINSAW AND FEED THEM TO YOU!” Pinkie screeched.
“Uhhhh…maybe I should go back inside…” Flash suggested with a pensive grin.
Twilight nodded, “That would be wise.”
Flash retreated into the safety of the library and shut the door behind him.
Twilight turned to Pinkie, “Okay…so…for reasons that are not entirely important right now, you’re a pony again and that’s bad…but not in the general sense, just bad at the moment given you’re in another dimension and your boyfriend is still human. Does that about sum it up?”
Pinkie nodded vigorously.
“Alright…so well…Having been in a dimension like Dan’s I guess I can see how being a talking pony would be pretty problematic.”
“You don’t even want to know how many things I’ve had to put my mouth on today!” Pinkie cried.
“Uh…no…” Twilight agreed, “I’m sure I don’t… In fact, let’s make it a rule that you never tell me the things you’ve put your mouth on, ever.”
Pinkie pursed her lips and whimpered, “Even ice cream?”
“Ice cream is fine.” Twilight stated.
“What about snow-cones?”
“Dessert, in general, is fine.”
“…What about…” Pinkie paused and thought for a second, “…Dan’s meatloaf?”
“AHHH! NO! NO! I SPECIFICALLY NEVER, EVER, EVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT!”
“…But…” Pinkie protested, “It’s so moist and juic…”
Twilight faced away from the mirror, placed her hooves over her ears, and began signing, “La, la, la, la, la…” in an attempt to drowned Pinkie out.
Pinkie’s lip began to quiver, “But it’s sooooo good! Especially when he drowns it in hot sauce…”
“La, la, la…wait? Hot sauce?” Twilight turned back to the mirror and stared at Pinkie with knitted eyebrows. “Doesn’t that burn?”
Pinkie grinned, “Not me! I love hot sauce!”
“I meant Dan.”
“Oh, well…he’s even more used to it than me!”
“I…wow…” Twilight’s eyes went wide and she began to stare off into space, “…I’ve never been this disturbed in my life…and I once let the Cutie Mark Crusaders tell me everything they tried in attempting to get their cutie marks…” she added with a shudder.
“Twilight, I think you might be making a tiny bit bigger deal of this than you need to…” Pinkie said. “Heck, since you like meat so much, I figured once we sort out this whole dimensional thing you can have a taste of Dan’s meatloaf, too.”
“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME?!” Twilight screamed at the mirror. “Geez, Pinkie! I know you like to share, but you need to have some boundaries!”
Pinkie’s lips quivered once again, “But…but…Dan makes really good meatloaf!”
“PINKIE, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT…wait… ‘Makes’?” Twilight’s expression relaxed a bit. “Are you talking about a literal meat loaf? Like… some sort of loaf of meat?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie said excitedly, “It’s like this really delicious loaf that’s kinda like bread that you slice up and eat! Except it’s mostly meat.”
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay…yes…you can tell me about that still.” Twilight looked back at her friend with a warm smile, “And I’d love to try some of Dan’s meatloaf when we figure out how to get you back here.”
Twilight suddenly frowned, considering the implications of what she had just agreed to and the person she may have unwittingly invited to Equestria. She didn’t have long to dwell on this, however…
“What about…” Pinkie looked at the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment and tapped a forehoof against her chin. “Dan’s big, plump, juicy sausage…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
-oooooo-
“What are you doing here?!” Dan demanded of his doppelganger.
Dan* merely smiled in reply, “I hear this place has the best cupcakes and muffins in town! And when I heard my dear friend Dan and his delightful girlfriend practically ran the place, I knew I just had to make this my people watching spot of the day!”
Dan cocked an eyebrow, “People watching?”
“Sure! You find a nice cozy spot, then you hunker down with some food and a warm beverage, and you just sit, listen, and watch the world unfold around you… It’s really relaxing, you should try it sometime…”
“Ulgh…” Dan uttered, “I hate people, I think I’d rather punch myself in the face for a few hours than subject myself to listening to their inane prattle…WAIT?! ‘DAY’?!” Dan exclaimed. “AS IN AN ENTIRE DAY!?”
“Hmmm, yes.” Dan* replied with a nod. “A day spent with the best baked goods L.A. has to offer,” His eyes suddenly turned wild, and his smile malicious, “and my good friend Dan.”
Dan narrowed his eyes at his double. “Look buddy, I get it! If I was in your shoes, I’d want revenge, too.” Dan opened his eyes back up and held a palm up, “But you walked into the wrong, mediocre diner on the wrong day and ran into Pinkie Pie.” Dan pointed an index finger at his well-dressed counterpart, “Aaaand, you should consider yourself lucky she just threw you through a window. You do not want to know the things Pinkie has talked about doing to you if she ever got you alone in a dark room. They’re disturbing even to me! Especially to me!”
“Ahh yes, that delightfully bubbly pink nymph you managed to land.” Dan* replied. “Congratulations by the way! She’s quite the looker…”
“Yeah, I noticed. Can I go now? I have a day to spend making cupcakes for the unwashed…”
“DAN!” Chris called out in a warning tone.
Dan rolled his eyes, “I mean…hygienically acceptable masses of Los Angeles.”
Dan* smiled and waved past Dan. “Hi Chris! Long time no see buddy…and… have you lost weight?!”
Chris smiled, “I have actually! Thank you for noticing!”
“Chris!” Dan called out, “Stop making nice with the enemy. He’s obviously here as part of some nefarious plot to get back at me and Pinkie because he can’t take a little broken glass embedded all over his body.”
Dan* shook his head and chuckled, “Dan, I don’t need to do anything! You see, Dan… I’m just going to sit and order food like a good, well-behaved customer at any of Los Angeles’s fine dining establishments.”
“The horror!” Dan said sarcastically.
“Hmm yes, quite.” Dan* said. “So, all you and that pink haired charmer of yours have to do is treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve,” his eyes turned wide and his smile devilishly evil once more, “otherwise, this life you two loose cannons have managed to build out of a deck of playing cards might come tumbling down.”
Dan’s eyes went wide with the realization.
That…that fiend!
That’s his little game!
He’s just going to hang around and wait for Pinkie or I to slip up, then he’ll probably report us to the police!
…If only Pinkie wasn’t a pony…
…They’d never find his body…
“Speaking of that wonderful girlfriend of yours, I was hoping I could see her again and” –Dan* steepled his fingers together and looked at Dan with soft, wide eyes—“make amends. I’d really love to bury the hatchet.”
Dan cocked an eyebrow, “I’m sure Pinkie would, too… probably in your skull.”
Dan* chuckled, “I’m counting on it.”
“Uh, look…I’m usually not one to look out for my enemies, but you really oughta let this one go.” Dan suggested. “Pinkie has an endless supply of-elch- happiness and smiles for nearly everybody. But if you rub her the wrong way, she has a special, deep, dark place in her mind just full of the most sadistic tortures you can imagine. I don’t think you’d walk away from this one unscathed...if at all.”
“Why Dan,” Dan* began, “you wouldn’t be threatening a customer now, would you?”
Dan sighed, “Look, buddy, I gave you my advice, take it or leave it. I’ve got a group of slack-jawed imbeciles to keep in line.”
Dan* grinned wide, “I understand, and I’m sure” —Dan* raised his voice—“your co-workers don’t mind being called, ‘slack-jawed imbeciles’.”
“It’s all good, brah!” Crunchy replied.
Chris shrugged, “You get used to it.”
“Yay! That’s one of the nicest things Dan’s ever said about me!” D.H. said.
Dan* looked out at Dan’s co-workers with surprise.
Dan grinned. “Nice try, buddy… Now, it’s been an insane amount of fun chatting with you, but I have a successful bakery to run.”
Dan* glowered at his unkempt double as the later made his way to the back of the bakery.
“Hey, Dan.” Wally called out from the office as Dan walked by. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
Dan stopped and turned to Wally, “I don’t, I just have an obnoxious duplicate who’s latched onto me in a desperate attempt to suck all the life energy from my body.”
“Yeah…family members can be like that.” Wally agreed.
“WHAT?! No he’s not…” Dan smacked a palm against his face and dragged it downward. “Never mind, I’m just going to go into the kitchen and slave away making cupcakes and muffins for the day.”
“Alright Dan.” Wally responded. “Though, I thought you weren’t coming in until much later.”
“I’m covering for Pinkie.” Dan explained.
“Oh…oh my…oh my, that isn’t good…” Wally said as he raised a handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead. “So, she isn’t here then?”
“I just said I was covering for her, didn’t I?! Geez! Would it kill you to listen to me?!”
“It’s just… I’m not sure you’ve ever worked without her around… I’m a little worried for the customers…” Wally admitted.
“Look! I got it all under control. Chris will keep me from doing anything that might get us sued or, more importantly, me arrested and I’m just going to stay in the back all day, anyway!” Dan insisted.
“Well…” Wally thought about this for a second, “…alright, if that’s what you want…anything I can do?”
“Yeah,” Dan replied, “go out there and savagely maul that guy that looks like me.”
“Uhhh…sure Dan…” Wally replied.
-oooooo-
“…buns.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“It’s just that Dan makes really, really good cinnamon buns…”
“PINKIE!” Twilight cried out. “PLEASE! STOP! I’M BEGGING YOU!”
Pinkie grinned wide, “Just one more!”
Twilight furrowed her brow at the pink pony, “No more innuendos?”
Pinkie giggled, “in-your-end-o!”
Twilight narrowed her eyes at Pinkie. “Seriously, stop it.”
“Alright, alright…” Pinkie said, still grinning. “I promise there’s no way this next one could be mistaken for a euphemism.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, “Pinkie Pie promise?”
“Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Twilight nodded, “Alright Pinkie, go ahead.”
“What about…Dan’s rock-hard, throbbing co…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PINKIE, I WILL PUT YOU ON MUTE!” Twilight threatened.
“WAIT!” Pinkie pleaded. “I’m sorry Twilight, I was just blowing off some steam after the whole having to talk to everypony when all I really wanted to do was talk to you!”
“Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” Twilight said in an irritable tone.
“I tired! Oh, Celestia how I tried!”
“Tried what, my little pony?” Celestia asked as she poked her head out of the library back entrance.
“YOU SHUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW, OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR HORN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR…”
“PINKIE!” Twilight shouted.
“WHAT?!”
“That’s your princess you’re threatening!”
“I’M TRAPPED IN ANOTHER FREAKIN’ DIMENSION WHERE I’M NOW A DIFFERENT SPECIES THAN MY BOYFRIEND! I RAN OUT OF BUCKS TO GIVE A LONG TIME AGO!”
“It’s alright, Twilight,” Celestia assured. “Sounds like Pinkie’s having a rough day…”
Pinkie sighed, “The roughest.”
Celestia chuckled, “Not as rough as the toilet paper Twilight keeps, I’m guessing.”
Pinkie giggled, “Hehehe…I know! Who hates themselves enough to use three-ply?!”
Twilight’s eye twitched, and she slowly turned her head to face Celestia, looking at her former teacher with something that was a cross between a smile and a sneer. “Could you…give us a moment?”
Celestia nodded, “Of course, Twilight! I’ll even make sure no one disturbs you out here.”
“Oh, thank you Celestia!” Pinkie cried.
“You’re welcome, Pinkie.” Celestia said. She pulled head back into the library and closed the door behind her.
“Okay…so…could you please explain the problem with you and Dan being different species?” Twilight asked.
“Wait…you mean after all the naughty named food items I listed out, you still can’t figure it out?”
“Figure what out?!” Twilight said as the frustration in her voice increased.
“Uh…Twilight? I know you know this, but Dan and I well…we get intimate with each other…like… a lot.”
Twilight winced, “Yes, I was privy to that information.”
“Well, being different species…you know…might kill that aspect of the relationship.”
“That’s the part I don’t get!” Twilight replied.
“…You’re serious...?” Pinkie asked in disbelief.
“Well I mean…you’re both still mammals, I don’t see what the fuss is all about.”
“REALLY?!” Pinkie squeaked out. She scrunched her brow together while glancing up towards the corner of her eyes and gave this some thought.
Wait…Twilight started crushing on Flash’s human counterpart like…within a day of being human…
“Geez, Twilight…” Pinkie said, furrowing her brow at the Purple alicorn, “…and you think it’s me who has boundary problems.”
“What?! You’re both sapient creatures capable of communicating with each other and consenting adults! I don’t see the problem.”
“Oh gosh, Twilight…don’t tell me I’m the straight pony here! PLEASE DON’T TELL ME I’M STRAIGHT PONY! THE UNIVERSE ISN’T READY TO HAVE PINKIE PIE AS STRAIGHT PONY!”
“Uhg…look,” Twilight began, “I’ll just take your word that this is a problem. What do you need for me?”
“I need you to change me back into a human!” Pinkie said, placing her forehooves together and holding them under her chin.
“Oh…well…” Twilight pondered this, “…that should be possible…theoretically…” Twilight said.
Pinkie’s expression sung into the deep, black, depths of despair, “Theoretically?!”
“Pinkie, I didn’t even know humans were a thing until I made my own trip!” Twilight said. “I also spent weeks pouring over all kinds of books trying to figure out ways to get you back, and I couldn’t find out anything about humans!”
Pinkie’s eyes went wide and her lips quivered. “But…but…you can transform things into other things!” she pouted.
“Transforming something into an orange is way easier than transforming a pony into something there isn’t even a spell for!” Twilight insisted.
“But…you can make a new spell!” Pinkie insisted. “Please, Twilight! I’m really desperate here! I can’t leave the apartment unless I’m going to sneak around, and Dan’s been just incredibly-super-nicey-nice pants to me since we got back, but I’m sure he’s secretly disappointed that his girlfriend is now a pony!”
-ooo-
Dan sighed to himself as he absentmindedly stirred a mixing bowl full of batter.
Uhg…It’s still too quiet…way too quiet…I wish Pinkie could be here…
…If Pinkie is still a pony when I get back…
…I think I might just lose it…
Yeah…
I’m just going to break down and start stroking the heck out of that cute, curly mane of hers…
…
…Wow, am I in deep…
…I wonder if Pinkie would let me brush her tail?
-ooo-
“Alright Pinkie,” Twilight said, “I see how important this is to you. All the princesses are here. I’m sure I can get them to send out messengers to fetch every book, scroll, and spell on transmogrification, then I’ll just find a quiet place in the library to…”
‘wub-wub-wub-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-CHOOOOO…PHSSSS-TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH…’
Pinkie and Twilight turned to the library as the sounds of dubstep drops shook the entire treehouse.
“…or uh…somewhere else entirely.”
Pinkie nodded, “That’s probably a good idea…”
“And Pinkie?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“TRY to keep it together while I figure this out, alright?”
Pinkie shuttered slightly, “No promises…”
So many food innuendos!
Dan's getting in deep into brony territory now, he might not recover.
And question; couldn't they get Discord to turn her back?
3844873
Don't worry, I'm going somewhere with all this.
This part of the story is one of the ones I've been thinking about for a long time.
I saw the Harkness Test reference in there.
3844908
Hehehe, yeah. Twilight quotes it almost verbatim doesn't she?
This was just something odd from Equestria Girls that I figured I should incorporate into Twilight's views. The whole movie takes place over about a 72 hour period, and she basically decides someone that's a different species than her is boyfriend material.
That raises more questions than it answers. I have a theory that the bakery's success is due to men ogling Pinkie more than the quality of the food, I suppose time will tell if that's true.
Another great update...without Chris or Elise finding out!
It must come to pass I tell you! Have Dan* find out first then our usual trio can go and rescue Pinky from him. Chris and Elise find out along the way, clog dancing gets involved some how, and hilarity ensues!
...sorry for being a back seat writer...
3844936
A cursory glance through the last chapters of The SweetieMash Chronicles should give an idea of the sort of ridiculously unwise and dangerous stunts the CMC get into.
Honeslty, the comics might have me beat on stuff that's traumatizing to hear. The CMC wrecked about three buildings with fireworks in that.
Probably not too mind scaring for them, but pretty frightening to live in Ponyville and realize a trio of eight year olds might end your existence at any time.
3844955 You mean the IDW comics?
Oh Pinkie. Oh Twilight. Oh Dan. Oh Celestia. So much amusement, so many facepalms.
Dan is in way too deep.
3844959
Yeah. Somehow the three of them are able to get a heaping ton of fire works like half a dozen times. Each time accidentally firing them off in a random direction.
3844955
I like the SweetieMash Chronicles. They're freakin adorable. Especially CMC SEWER INSPECTORS!
Yaay, Pinkie Pie Double Entendres, because she is just sooooo flexible
As for CMC Sewer Inspectors. When youve been fired through a 4 inch steel bar grate by the application of a thousand cubic metres of exploding fuel air charge, you dont tend to question therafter the neccesity of wearing what is effectively custom power armor with a wall shield, just for what most of the population thinks is a job that just involves sticking a plunger in the toilet.
3844963 Just straight up PM me will Chris and/or Elise see Pony Pinkie and realize that it is her?
Oh...look at that...I've...I've caught up...
Ah well. There are currently four fics I'm following that I will drop everything to read once I see an update. This one's been added to the list.
in your end ohs XD XD
"tired" should be "tried"
Oh, it does seem like Twilight's okay with interspecies relationships...I'm honestly with her. Especially when you remember that their are tons of sapient beings in the Equestrian world, so interspecies romances shouldn't be unheard of. {Especially given how there are tons of 'hybrid' creatures in mythology.}
3847726
It does make some degree of sense even outside of EqGs, yeah.
Of course, Dan and Pinkie's situation is a bit different in that Dan's world only has the one.Twilight's potentially not factoring that in.
3847631
thanks! Fixed.
Poof, now Pinkie's human, and Dan's a pony! Hilarious shenanigans ensue. Dan murders some people.
3848757
He might find it a little hard to strangle people to death with hooves.
3851186 He could always trample them to death!!!
Don't you mean human?
4033457
No, it's right.
Dan's definitely musing on Pinkie still being a pony.
4089971
Whoops! Fixed! Thank you!
Guess she has the new Google glasses
I dunno man. I find that to be hilarious. Continue, Continue your Straight-Pinkie and tiny horse fan Dan fiction. I am reading a good story here.
DO IT PLEASE! DO US ALL A FAVOR!!!
Twilight thinks way too much. Really, extremely, excessively too much.
pbs.twimg.com/media/BHgTA_KCEAIEXGC.jpg:large
Gonna be honest here, I hope that Pinkie doesn't stay a pony for the remainder of the story
OH MY GOD. *dies*
Oh Pinkie, you troll...
Amen to that!
I wasn't aware there was anything better than 3-ply.
4831243 6-ply?
3847726 It would be fine... Except in this case it brushes just close enough to Bestiality to raise some people's hackles(myself included).
Uh did Celestia just say no one
5057397 Mules are the offspring of a male donkey and a female horse/pony
Which means at some point a pony mare did or did not agree to give birth to a donkey's child through... the usual means.
A couple have been shown in the show, just as much a respectable citizen as a plain ol pony or donkey.
But in any case, if humans are not the only intelligent beings in our universe, what would make alien races who are not toxic to us and have physically similar enough parts less acceptable than another human... other than personal bias?
But yeah, enough people would see "she's a horse" and completely ignore that she is also very much a person in mind and spirit, even if it's presented in a way that emphasizes they are both people. But if Dan had completely ditched her just because of the species change they would be cursing him out for being... a jerk. Some times you just can't please people.
I think i use... 8 ply? Not sure on that. Might be 12.
3847726
I think here it's a difference between intellectual acceptance and instinctive acceptance.
Intellectually, the idea of having a warm, romantic relationship with a member of another species is relatively easy to accept and embrace.
On an instinctive level, however, a pony isn't genetically wired to find a human sexually attractive, or vice versa. That's the point Pinkie was trying to make...which Twilight completely missed, likely because she has a Xenophilia fetish that she doesn't realize is not universal.
So many best chapters that I'm running out of best chapters to call best chapters
I love this line
Couldn’t happen to a nicer pony than Brad. *Growly voice* BBBBBBrrrrrrraaaaaaaddddddd....
Is it just me or does anyone else wanna see Pinkie attempt this?
Our Princess of Friendship everyone.
Who in their right mind calls their dick "meatloaf" Twilight. Out of all the names that a person could use to allude to a dick, meatloaf is probably the WORST one. I think that would probably be the worst insult I heard in my entire life.
10513059
I've heard someone call it a meat log before.