Crazy internet dweller.
44w, 4dHuman in Equestria
31w, 2dThe Writer's Group
26w, 6dPinkie Pie: Pinkamena Diane Pie
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26w, 3dTwilight's Library
26w, 6dRomance is Magic!
44w, 4dStraight Shipping
19w, 4dMy reading list
11w, 6d~The Decent Writers Club~
41w, 6dParty Time!
31w, 2dDan Vs FIM
14w, 2dLong Reads: 10,000 Words
26w, 5dThe Good Crossover List
29w, 18hCanon Kosher
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1w, 17hVacation time, baby! 6 comments · 69 views
1w, 4d…And that’s why Applejack doesn’t have a McDonalds Toy reading! 4 comments · 92 views
3w, 1dDan Vs. Canada 8 comments · 111 views
5w, 6dThis video speaks to me on a spiritual level. 7 comments · 134 views
6w, 2dFinally started that Discord Vs. TOK thing I mentioned way back in chapter 90 1 comments · 84 views
7w, 5dSome good stories you should maybe read if you haven't. 10 comments · 172 views
8w, 1dApparently I'm channeling Andrew W.K. when I'm writing the Wheel and the Butterfly. 7 comments · 441 views
11w, 55mDramatic reading of The Wheel and the Butterfly 2 comments · 167 views
11w, 1dDan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life art. 12 comments · 264 views
11w, 2dNew Dan and Pinkie story: Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life 1 comments · 154 views
Authors notes: Because I'm a glutton for punishment and being forced to fix formatting, there are not one but two songs in this chapter.
Edit: Which have since been removed as per the rules.
I strongly advise following the link here. Large swaths of this chapter are practically worthless without the music.
“Oooooo! ‘Pairs Figure Skating Competition tonight’! Dan! Dan! We should totally enter that! It sounds like fun!” Pinkie said, looking up at a large sign as Chris pulled the car into the lot of the skating arena.
Dan raised an eyebrow at his roommate who was sitting across from him in the backseat. “Fun like the obstacle course was supposed to be fun?”
Pinkie smiled and shook her head, “I know this will be fun. I was born to ice skate almost as much as I was born to party!” She said enthusiastically.
Chris pulled the car into an empty spot and the occupants exited. Dan, Chris, and Elise were back in their regular attire, with a few minor changes to account for the cool temperature of the skating rink. Dan simply donned his green jacket; Chris had swapped out his orange shirt for a puffy, orange vest and was wearing a white, long sleeved shirt under his blue one; and Elise had put on a leather jacket.
Pinkie, of course, opted to change her entire outfit. She was now wearing a long sleeved, pink shirt with her cutie mark featured prominently on the chest and white and pink striped arms, a pink skirt, and white and pink striped leggings that matched the stripes on her arm. Additionally, she was wearing a pink jacket. The outfit covered the vast majority of bruises and bandaged cuts and gashes that covered her body from a day of constant tripping and flinging herself into solid objects. Only a large, white bandage wrapped around her head was partially visible under her massive mop of pink, curly hair.
Dan looked at his roommate as they approached the skating rink. “Born to party?” He said, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes! It was my…destinWHAAAAAAAAA.” Pinkie said dramatically before tripping over her own feet. She was back up in an instant.
Dan paused. “Yeah, it’s starting to look like having an ice skate removed from your abdomen is your destiny.” Dan reached a hand up to his roommates shoulder.
Pinkie turned to face him.
“Look…I can tell this means a lot to you,” Dan began, “but you’re lucky you haven’t broken anything at this point. I really think you should stop before you seriously injure yourself.”
Pinkie paused. A smile slowly grew across her face. “Dan, are you actually worried about me?!”
Dan retracted his hand with a surprised look. “I…NO…it’s just…if you get injured you won’t be able to make lactose-free baked goods for me. Also, shut up.”
Pinkie’s smile widened and she leaned in closer to Dan, “I know full well that you’ve helped me enough times to know how to make all that stuff yourself.”
Chris and Elise had paused to watch the scene unfold before him.
“Are we sure Dan hasn’t been replaced by an imposter?” Elise whispered to her husband, her arms wrapped around one of his.
Chris shrugged, “I guess Pinkie just brings out the best in him.” Chris commented.
“I didn’t think Dan had a best.”
“He can be good when he wants to.” Chris said, motioning to Dan with his free hand. “…Which, admittedly, isn’t very often.”
“Hey!” Dan protested to Pinkie. “I only help you to keep you from setting yourself on fire with the oven.” He insisted.
Pinkie’s smile grew wider still and she closed the distance between their faces to an inch. “So, you do get worried about me.”
“I…erm…what I meant to say was…”Dan stammered out, nervously looking to the side as if the words he wanted to say where somehow written a few feet away from him.
He stopped as he felt the warm embrace of his roommate envelop him.
Pinkie whispered a soft, earnest “Thank you.” into Dan’s ear, and then parted slightly, holding Dan at arm’s length. “But this is something I have to do.” She insisted with a determined look in her eyes. “But…” Pinkie trailed off. “You’ll take care of me on the off chance I do seriously injure myself, right?” Pinkie asked, with big, blue, pleading eyes.
Dan raised an index finger. “Only on the condition that I get to write inappropriate things on your casts in permanent marker.”
Pinkie removed her hands, spit into one, and held it out. “Deal!”
Dan spit into his own hand and gave Pinkie’s a shake with a smile.
“Oh no...” Elise murmured as her eyes went wide.
“What?” Chris asked.
“I just realized how cute they are together.” Elise stated.
“I think…I think I ship Dan and Pinkie Pie.” Elise said with a small, panicked tone.
“You’re shipping your friends? Well, that’s kinda odd, but nothing to get upset about.”
“No Chris, you don’t understand! Now I’m overcome with a desire to see them kiss!”
Elise raised her palms to her cheeks. “Oh gosh! This is like X-Files all over again…” she mumbled.
“What the heck are you two babbling on about over there?” Dan asked as Pinkie and he approached the couple. “What’s this about a kiss?”
“I…uh…” Elise searched for something convincing to say. “I was just talking about…kissing my husband. Because I love him!” Elise smiled and looked up at Chris. “Come here… sweetiekins.”
Chris chuckled, “Of course, honey-bunches-of-oats.”
Elise leaned up to give her husband a passionate kiss.
“Ewww! Save that gross stuff for when you’re behind locked doors and boarded up windows.” Dan complained.
Pinkie giggled, clutching her hands under her chin, “Hehe…I ship them.”
Dan cocked his head at Pinkie. “You ship your friends? You’re sick.”
“Well…they’re married and canon. It’s not as weird as them being from two completely different series that a network decided to pair up for some reason, or something.” Pinkie said, looking out straight ahead into space.
Hey! You leave my readers alone.
“Oh, I wasn’t looking at them.” Pinkie said with a knowing grin.
“Who are you talking to?” Dan asked, cocking an eyebrow.
Pinkie smiled. “The fourth wall.” She answered.
“…You are so bizarre.” Dan said. He sighed. “Come on, let’s get this painful experience over with.”
The four continued walking towards the ice rink, leaving the handsome, AND NOT WEIRD AT ALL, author to continue his writing in peace.
…Ah, who am I kidding? I’m almost 30 and my wardrobe is 50 percent FiM, Transformers, Star Wars, and anime t-shirts…
Wait…where was I?
Ice skating rink, right…
Chris opened the door to the rink and held it open for his wife and two friends. Pinkie bounded up to the counter. “Four, please! Ooo! Where do we sign up for the pair figure skating?”
A bored looking, male cashier answered. “Here. It’s twenty five dollars per couple and another fifty two for admission plus skate rental for four people.”
Pinkie eagerly took out her wallet and handed the man a hundred dollar bill as he handed her a piece of paper on a clipboard to fill out.
“Ha! You’re renting skates and entering the competition?” An effeminate voice called out. The four looked up to see a young woman with long, red hair with fiery yellow highlights wearing a light purple shirt that prominently featured a sun made out of the same two colors of her hair. Over that she wore a black, leather jacket with a studded collar. An orange skirt with a light purple and yellow stripe going down the side hung around her waist, and under that, leggings with a red and yellow fiery pattern went traveled down to her black boots with a flaming purple design on them. A pair of black and purple ice skates dangled from a hand she held at face level with the wrist bent upwards.
She regarded Pinkie with light green, mocking eyes. “This competition isn’t for amateurs, you know.”
“Actually, it’s specifically for amateur skaters.” A masculine voice called out. The voice belonged to a young man with spiky, blue hair wearing a white tee-shirt adorned by a simple crest that alternated for quadrants of light blue and blue with a large, yellow lightning bolt in front of it. He also wore a black jacket with a large white and smaller red horizontal stripe going across the chest and arms. Worn blue jeans went down his legs, rolled up at the end. White and black sneakers finished the ensemble. Simple black and white ice skates dangled loosely by their laces in his hand at his side. “And you really should be nicer to strangers, Sunset.” He said, looking at the red head.
“Heh.” Sunset swatted some of her long, red and yellow hair behind her shoulder. “It’s an open competition. Not my fault they let any riff-raff compete against us competent skaters.”
“I’m a competent skater!” Pinkie insisted. “I’ve been skating since I was a little filly!”
Everyone paused at the odd turn of phrase and stared at the pink hair girl.
Pinkie extended a hand out to Sunset. “My name’s Pinkie Pie. Sunset, was it? That’s a pretty cool name.”
Sunset ignored the hand. “Certainly better than Pinkie Pie.”
“HEY!” Dan cried out angrily, placing protective hands around Pinkie’s arms. “Why don’t you slink back to your fiery hole in the ground? She didn’t come here to be harassed by a glory hungry succubus.”
Sunsets eyes narrowed at Dan and her mouth changed to a grimace, quickly changing back to an unfriendly grin. “And who’s going to make me, little man? You?” She said in a mocking tone, leaning in closer to Dan.
With one quick motion and a flick of a wrist, Sunset was suddenly staring at a lit, golden zippo lighter held inches from her face. “Drop the ‘tude, Queeny, or I’ll help your hair match the rest of your outfit.” Dan said threateningly.
Chris quickly put himself in between Dan and Sunset. “Hey Dan, how about we not get ourselves kicked out or arrested before we get to skate?”
Sunset glanced at the sheet of paper Pinkie was filling out. Sunsets smile reappeared as she regarded the short man. “Dan, eh? Don’t tell me you’ve been skating since you were a ‘little filly’, too?” She asked mockingly.
“That’s none of your G.D. business.” Dan shot back angrily.
“Heh. That’s a ‘no’ then. You two should just quit now before you embarrass yourselves. Pink girl is probably better off with the big, dumb looking guy here.”
“Heeeey!” Chris protested.
Elise’s eyes narrowed.
“Alright, Sunset. That’s enough.” The blue haired man insisted forcefully.
“Oh, Flash. I’m just trying to save these two from public ridicule.” Sunset said, her smile widening.
Flash snatched Sunset’s arm and started to drag her away. “Come on, let’s just go practice.”
Sunset quickly moved her arm out of Flash’s grasp. “Fine! Just make sure you clear out plenty of space for us. I’m tired of having little brats getting tripped up in our death spirals.”
Flash sighed as the two walked off and looked back apologetically at the four.
Dan looked at Pinkie. “Are you, okay?” He asked.
“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” Pinkie asked.
“Well, that demoness said some pretty disparaging things.” Dan explained.
“Oh, I don’t care about that. I’m just here to have fun!” Pinkie explained with a smile and dismissive wave of her hand.
“Okay, but how cool would it have been if I actually set her hair on fire?” Dan said, grinning.
Pinkie giggled, “Pretty cool. But I would like to try skating before we all start a round of rampant law breaking and assaulting people.”
“FINE!” Dan said in a whiny, exasperated tone. “THEN can I set her hair on fire?”
“Dan, you can’t just go around setting every person’s hair on fire if you don’t like them. Los Angeles would become the bald capital of the whole wide world if you did that!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Oh, but it’s okay to shoot pancakes at them?” Dan countered with raised eyebrows.
Pinkie frowned. “That was different! She stepped in front of a loaded pancake thrower! People should really know better than to stand in front of siege weaponry.”
“I hear that.” Chris commented.
Dan sighed, “Alright, fine. Let’s just make sure we beat her.”
“Dan, it’s not about winning! It’s about enjoying ourselves!” Pinkie insisted.
Dan grumbled quietly to himself.
“I agree with Pinkie.” Chris said.
“Well I don’t.” Said Elise. “Come on, Chris. Let’s sign up.”
Dan and Pinkie smiled. Dan grinned an evil toothy smile and Pinkie beamed a happy, excited smile.
“Huh?” Chris regarded his wife, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Are you sure?”
“I’m suddenly overcome with a desire to beat that red headed floozy…” Elise explained, “Um…at ice skating.” She added hastily.
“Well, okay…” Chris said going up to the counter. “…but you hate ice skating.”
“We have some time to practice before the competition.” Elise argued. “I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it by then…”
Chris looked over his wife with an unsure look, and turned to the sign-in counter.
Chris stepped out into the ice as he held both his wife’s hands. “Alright, we’ll take it nice and slow. Let’s start with a few laps.”
“Chris! Slow and steady isn’t going to let us win, we’re going to haWAAAAAAAAH!” Elise immediately lost her footing and slipped to the hard ice as her skates touched the slippery substance.
Chris bent down and helped his wife up to her feet. She stumbled a few times, then fell into him. Holding herself up by wrapping her arms around her large husband’s torso. “Or…slow…slow is good.”
Chris smiled as Elise slowly pushed herself away from him, and held his hand as they skated a few feet and she went crashing to the ground once more.
“Uhhh…you know, what, honey? Why don’t you just do your own thing for a while, and I’ll catch up.” Elise said with a smile as she laid on her back on the ice.
Chris looked down at his wife. “Are you sure?”
“Sure, I’m sure!” Elise insisted.
“…Do you at least want me to help you up?”
“No no…I’ll get it. You go have fun.” Elise said with a wide, upside-down smile.
Chris smiled. “Alright, sweetie! See you on the rink!” Chris skated off, quickly accelerating into a blazing speed as he made his way around the rink.
Elise let out a loud sigh and continued laying on the cold ice.
“Now, now…let’s just go slow. No need to rush this, you’re doing fine.” A wobbly Dan said, holding onto the hands of an equally wobbly Pinkie Pie.
“Dan! I’m fine!” She insisted. “I’m just getting a feel to the ice. That’s all.”
“That’s all, nothing! Look at you! You can barely stay on your feeeaAAAAAAAH!” Dan lost his footing and fell to the ice, dragging Pinkie with him. The two landed on their stomachs and slid a bit in a heap until they were stopped by Elise who had elected to stay on the ice.
“Hehehe!” Pinkie giggled. “Hey, Elise! Having fun?”
“Oh…the time of my life.” Elise said flatly, looking up towards the ceiling.
A voice rang out over the loudspeakers. “Well, I hope you’re all having an ice time out there and enjoying the ice weather!”
Dan looked up, “Did…did that man just make the same horrible pun twice in one sentence?”
“Hehe, ‘ice’.” Pinkie said.
“DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!” Dan commanded.
“Dan, I don’t think he can hear her.” Elise commented
Pinkie slowly climbed to her feat, putting her arms out for balance.
Suddenly, a blue and orange Chris blur approached, jumped, and spun his body twice before skates touched the ground and Chris continued at a rapid pace down the rink.
“Ooo! Ooo! I wanna try that!” Pinkie said, slowly skating after Chris.
She looked back at Dan and Elise. “Er…you two coming?” She asked.
“No.” Dan replied. “I’m doing a great job of getting a feel for the ice from down here.”
Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “Alright, see you two out there.” Pinkie continued her wobbly journey down the ice.
Dan sighed. “Ten bucks says she breaks a leg.”
Elise raised an index finger. “I’ll bet ten on her arm.” She responded.
The two looked up as Sunset rapidly approached, and just as rapidly stopped, spraying the two with ice. “You two do know that ice skating involves actually skating, right?” She asked, it becoming increasingly clear that ‘mocking’ was her default tone of voice.
Elise and Dan wiped ice off their faces and glared up at her.
“Hey!” Elise shouted out. “My husband and I are going to mop the floor with you out on the ice.” Elise, rotating her body and attempting to lift herself up with her arms.
Sunset snickered and smiled a wide grin showing all her teeth, she lowered her body to get closer to Elise. “Don’t tell me you entered, too. Now there’s four people who are going to go home in tears.” Sunset flicked Elise’s chin with an index finger. Quickly standing up to get out of Elise’s reach.
Elise made a frustrated growl. “Come on Dan. I know places we can send her where she’ll never be found again!”
Dan smiled, “Works for me.”
Dan and Elise unsteadily stood up on their skates, desperately clinging to each other for balance and quickly finding out the neither was very surefooted. The two quickly ended back in a heap on the ice.
Sunset lifted a hand in front of her mount and began laughing. “Hahahaha. I can’t believe you two think you have a chance, let alone are even out on the ice. Your partners would have to be professionals for you two to even stand a chance.”
Chris rapidly approached the group, a giant smile adorning his face. “Triple Salchow!” He called out. He jumped from the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and landed on his opposite skate continuing his skating. “Nailed it!” He sung to himself.
Sunset paused. “Okay, so one of you is competent. Still, he’s never going to win if he has to carry dead weight around the…”
A pink blur rapidly followed Chris, “Ooo! Ooo! Let me try!” Pinkie also said with an excited smile. She also pressed off with the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and safely landed continuing her skating.
Dan’s, Elise’s, and Sunset’s jaws dropped.
Dan turned to Elise. “Uh…so who wins the bet?”
“I think Pinkie just did…” Elise responded.
“Sunset!” Flash called out, skating up towards the group. “Leave those two alone. I thought we were practicing…”
Sunset turned to flash. “Never mind that. We need to talk about something.” Sunset began skating towards the rink entrance.
Dan and Elise attempted standing again, this time avoiding the pitfall of relying on the other for balance.
Flash approached them, “Uh, sorry about Sunset she’s kinda…”
Dan interrupted, “A horrible person with no redeeming qualities whose slowly taken over every aspect of your life to the point where you’re wondering if your life is even your own or if you’re simply the next in a long line of accessories that she uses and throws away when she no longer has a use for them?”
Flash’s eyes went wide as he scratched the back of his head. “Uhhh…I was going to say ‘competitive’…but…”
“FLASH! Stop fraternizing with the enemy and get over here!”
Flash sighed and skated over to Sunset.
“Dan?” Elise began.
“What?” Dan said in a complaining tone. “She’s appallingly terrible. If we can’t beat her on the ice, I figure I can at least screw with her love life.” Dan explained.
“Good job.” Elise said simply.
“Oh…thanks…” Dan sighed. “She’s right though… There are kids out here that skate better than us. Pinkie and Chris would be better with a couple of them as partners.”
“Dan! That’s it!”
“...You want to kidnap a couple of children and force them to skate with Chris and Pinkie? I mean…it’s not a perfect plan, but I’m in all the same.”
“No! Not kids. They should partner with each other! Just look at them!”
Dan looked out into the rink as
“Throw me! Throw me!” Pinkie pleaded with Chris as he held her aloft.
“Wheeeeeeeeee!” Pinkie rotated twice in the air, and landed on her skates, continuing keeping pace with Chris.
Dan paused. “You mean we would get out of skating AND Sunset would lose?! Elise! That’s a perfect plan!”
Elise smiled. “Iknowright?!”
“Sunset! What’s the big deal?!” Flash asked, throwing his hands to the sides.
“The big, deal!?” Sunset raised her forearms and hands up and motioned emphatically with them “THE BIG DEAL?! Two of those idiots aren’t just good, they’re ridiculously good!”
“SO! They’re going to switch partners so those two are skating together!” Sunset folded her arms together. “It’s what I would do if I came across someone better.” She explained.
“Geez, thanks.” Flash responded, narrowing his eyes. “Anyways, who cares if they win? You have dozens of trophies already! So what?”
Sunset closed the distance between her and flash to a few inches and leveled an angry index finger at him. “I DON’T LOSE! EVER!”
Flash put his hands up defensively and took a few steps back.
Sunset took a calming breath. “Look! This is an easy fix. I just need you to go out there with a baton and club the pink girl in the knee.”
“WHAT?!” Flash said as his expression gave way to complete shock. “Sunset! I’m not going to assault a girl with a baton!”
Sunset paused. “Fine…the big guy, then.”
“NO! What is wrong with you?!”
Tears began to well up in Sunsets eyes, “Oh Flash! I’m sorry…I just want to win so much. Ever since I was a little girl…”
Flash began waving his arms horizontally back in forth in front of him. “No! Stop! Not the ‘little girl’ routine. It was not your dream to win a random non-qualifying skating competition when you were a little girl. And even if it was, you’ve already done it time and time again!” Flash paused. “Also, I’m pretty sure assaulting another team is grounds for disqualification.”
Sunset looked to the ceiling, raising her hands into claws with a frustrated “Grrrrrrrrrr!” She lowered her hands slightly and looked at Flash. “FINE! We’ll just beat them in the competition! But one screw up, one missed Axel, or Salchow and we’re through!”
I need to find myself a nice, quiet girl. Maybe someone who’s just really into books…
“Hey! Skate dispenser.” Dan called out at the ice rink cashier. “We need to change a registration!”
The cashier sighed. “No changing registrations. If you want to start a new one, it’s twenty five dollars.”
“WHAT?!” Dan roared. “That’s outrageous! They’re already in the competition!” Dan turned to Elise. “You hold him, I’ll start hitting!”
Elise put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I got it.” Elise pulled out her wallet and handed the cashier a $20 and a $5.
The cashier handed her a clipboard. “Are you two forfeiting? Because there’s a thirty five dollar forfeiting fee.”
“WHY WOULD WE NEED TO PAY TO QUIT?!” Dan demanded. “AND WHY IS QUITTING MORE EXPENSIVE THAN SIGNING UP?!”
The cashier shrugged, “You’ll have to if you want to free up your partners.”
Dan erupted into a volcano of incomprehensible growls.
Elise sat down the clipboard, and in a flash of agility, she jumped over the counter and put the cashiers arms in a lock. “Two minutes, and then we switch.” She said to Dan.
“Wait, what?!” The cashier called out.
Dan’s face of rage changed to a wide, evil smile as he pulled his fist back.
“Hey, Pinkie?” Chris called out as Pinkie skated alongside him.
“Have you seen Dan or Elise anywhere?”
“Uhh…” Pinkie shook her head back and forth vigorously.
The two braked their skating and looked around.
“Huh. They’re not even out here.” Chris said.
“Oops…I guess I was having so much fun, I didn’t even notice.” Pinkie admitted.
“You’re a really good skater by the way!” Chris said with a smile.
“Thanks! You, too. But maybe we should go find…”
The loudspeakers began booming once more. “Wow! I’ve never seen so many people packed like sardines for a non-qualifying pairs skating competition! Speaking of pairs, did you hear the one about the two strangers who skated out into the middle of a frozen pond? The met up and broke the ice! Hahahaha. Oh, I love that one…”
Suddenly, there was the sound of a door slamming open over the speaker system. “HELP! Two irate competitors just took turns holding me down and punching me! AND THEY STILL NEED TO PAY THEIR FORFEITING FEES!”
“Whoa there! It’s nothing to get punchy over!”
“WHY ARE YOU STILL MAKING HORRIBLE PUNS!? WE NEED HELP!”
“What’s wrong? Can’t take a little punishme…OH GOD!”
The announcer was cut off as the sounds of panicked yelping, screaming, violence, and maniacal laughter filled the arena.
“Oh!” Pinkie said, pointing up. “There they are!”
Chris’s eyes went wide. “Should we…you know stop them?!”
Pinkie shrugged. “They didn’t seem like they were enjoying skating anyhow. At least now they’re having fun. And, Hey! They’re getting along for a change! It’s win-win for everybody!” Pinkie pointed out excitedly.
Chris raised an eyebrow, “Except their victims, of course.”
Pinkie thought about this for a second tapping an index finger against her cheek. “Yeah…well the cashier and announcer didn’t even get a physical descriptions or anything. I don’t think anyone actually cares.” She said with a shrug.
“Uh…fair enough…I guess.”
Pinkie smiled. “So! I guess we’re partners then!”
Chris matched her smile, “I guess we are.”
“Ooo! Can you throw me a bunch of times during the competition? It’s REALLY fun!”
Chris laughed, “Sure, Pinkie!”
“Ooo! Ooo! And do that thing where you hold my hand and I lie really, really, really close to the ground and you spin me super-fast! That one’s the best!”
Chris maintained his smile. “You mean a ‘death spiral’? Sure.”
“THAT’S what it’s called!? Geez…I didn’t know pairs figure skating was so…metal.”
Sunset skated up to the judges. A dark completed middle aged woman flanked by two middle aged men. All three wore white, powdered wigs, and black robes. “Are you three just going to let this happen?! This has got to be a violation of the rules! Disqualify them!”
The two male judges conferred with the one female judges in between them.
“The judges have decided.” The female judge began.
Sunset smiled and nodded. “Good.”
“We’ve decided that if these two aren’t competing, then there hasn’t been any violation of conduct.”
“WHAT?! Oh, come on!”
The female judge held up a hand. “We’ve also decided we never liked the announcer or his horrible puns either. And furthermore, that there’s no such thing as a ‘forfeiting fee’ and our cashier was likely scamming skaters. So he also got what he deserved.”
“You can’t be serious!” Sunset said in disbelief.
The female judge raised an index finger. “The judge tribunal has spoken! Now…be gone!” She said with a dismissive wave.
Sunset grumbled a number of unpleasant things under her breath and skated away.
Dan giggled. “Hehe. Not that I’m complaining, but I can’t believe they haven’t even sent anyone up here!”
Elise smiled. “They don’t seem to have much in the way of security, do they?”
“Maybe the ice rink had a hiring freeze.” Dan said with a smile.
Elise punched him in the arm.
“OW! What was that for?”
“No!” Elise leveled an index finger at Dan. “No more puns! That’s why we beat up the announcer in the first place.”
“Yeah…I guess you’re right.” Dan sighed out. “So…I guess this is the list of skaters…and songs?” Dan called out.
“Uh-oh…we never picked out a song for Chris and Pinkie…” Elise said.
Dan held up a hand. “I think I know them well enough to pick out something suitably awesome.”
The hints of a grin appeared on Elise’s face. “I’ll leave it to you, then.”
Dan sighed. “I guess we better get all these other competitors out of the way.” Dan walked up to the microphone. “Alright, ladies and gents! There’s a new sheriff in town. Punning is now an offense punishable by savage beating and we’ve got a skate competition to run. So, let’s get started…”
*many, many, pair skaters later*
“And for our next performance!” Dan rang out, clearly having gotten in the spirit of his new, ill-gotten position. “Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry…Wait, seriously?! Elise, was there some sort of awesome name bus our age group missed out on?”
“They’re PSEUDONYMS, you MORON!” Sunset called out at the announcing box.
“…WHY WOULD YOU EVEN NEED PSEUDONYMS?!”
“So I don’t get MOBBED by stalkers! D’uh!”
“WHO WOULD EVEN WANT TO STALK YOU?! Except to maybe burn your house down after MEETING you…I…oh, okay, you have a point.” Dan admitted.
“JUST GET THE SONG READY, JERK!”
After a brief pause, the sounds of string instruments and a drum beat was heard as Britney Spear’s Toxic began to play and…
A window to the announcer’s box shattered as a shoe was thrown through it.
“THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT SONG!” Sunset screamed. “GET IT RIGHT OR I’LL COME UP THERE AND SLIT YOUR THROAT WITH AN ICE SKATE!”
“Wow, Dan.” Elise began. “I think you just found your soulmate.”
Dan regarded the shoe, picked it up, and leveled a glare at Elise. “Did you just pun?”
“What…I didn’t…” Elise looked at the shoe and sighed. “Okay…go ahead and thrOW!” Elise exclaimed as the shoe impacted the side of her head. Elise looked down at the black and white sneaker. “Whose shoe IS this?”
“Can I have my shoe back?” Flash called out from the ground.
Elise stood up and looked out into the rink. She picked up the shoe and lobbed it in Flash’s direction.
“Thank you!” Flash called out.
Dan sighed and swapped a CD into a player. He pressed a few buttons and the rink was filled with the sounds of rhythmic clicks quickly joined by the sounds of a tin whistle.
Sunset’s angry expression faded as her pupils dilated and an evil looking grin spread across her face. She and Flash skated out into the rink in rhythm to the music. A bass drum entered the fray of sound and gave way to rapid percussion followed by guitars as Flash and Sunset began spinning rapidly in unison from a standing position and lowering themselves while extending a leg until finishing in a sitting position as they continued to spin.
Wicked smile plastered on her face, Sunset stood up and held out her hands. Flash grabbed a hold as they skated, Sunset skating backwards.
Flash picked up Sunset and flung her into the air.
Sunset spun a couple times, and fell back into Flash’s waiting grasp.
Flash set Sunset down as the two held hands and gained speed around the rink. Suddenly the lights in the rink changed to an assortment of red and yellows that turned orange when they intersected.
Sunset lowered to the ground diagonally away from flash as he bended his knees in a crouch. Sunset extended her body as far as she could. It circled Flash mere inches off the ground as the two rapidly spiraled with Flash at the epicenter and a Sunset extended outwards. Her hand holding Flash’s and a single skate that touched the ice the only two things keeping her from falling.
Flash raised Sunset up as she pressed against him and the two continued skating.
The two parted and began skating side by side.
The two jumped into the air.
Spun three times.
And landed, continuing skating side by side.
Sunset reached out to grab Flashes hand, as a yellow light enveloped them
Sunset lifted a leg high into the air and placed it on Flash’s shoulder. Flash held on to both her hands as they continued to skate.
Flash and Sunset let go of a hand briefly as Sunset lowered her leg and reached out for Flash’s hand once more, facing him with the same smile she had worn since the beginning of the song.
Sunset and Flash freed a hand and extended their bodies away from each other, a red and yellow light intersected, turning the couple orange.
The two began another spiral. This time, Sunset turned so her back was towards the ice, supported herself on a leg, and extended the other leg out, leaning her head down as Flash continued to spin her around and around himself.
“Elise? What the heck are we watching?!” Dan exclaimed.
“Uhhh…pairs figure skating?” Elise offered meekly.
“I’ve SEEN pairs figure skating. It’s like two bored dancers having a snooze fest over a field of ice with the occasional spin or jump. This is…intense.” Dan offered.
“Well…she’s very, very good. I’ll give her that…What’s with all the red and yellow lights?”
Dan frowned as he pushed an assortment of buttons in time with the music. “I’m being transfixed by her witchcraft and Celtic punk, Elise! You have to stop me!”
“Uhhh…I’m not sure I could if I wanted to. This is too good. I just hope Chris and Pinkie can match this.” Elise stated motioning out into the rink.
Chris looked out as Flash and Sunset proceeded to a number more jumps, throws, and spins. “Wow! They’re really good! Don’t you think so Pinkie?..Pinkie?” Chris looked down at Pinkie.
Pinkie stood transfixed on the scene in front of her. Expressionless and motionless except for her eyes that frantically followed the skaters’ every move. The world seemed very far away as the music played in her ears and the two skaters continued their mad, frenzied dance across the fiery icescape.
Flash and Sunset held hands as the two spun around, their hands at the epicenter.
The two bended their knees and lowered themselves closer to the ice, continuing to hold hands.
The two broke contact and spun away from each other, raising to their feet, and skating around the rink in unison again. They executed another jump, spinning in the air in unison, and touched ice again. They closed the distance and held hands again.
Flash pulled Sunset in close.
And flung her into the air.
Sunset spun her body a few times.
And landed on her skates.
And turned to skate back towards Flash, grabbing his hands once more.
A red light passed over Sunset, casting dark shadows over her evil, grinning expression.
The two began a third spiral. Once again, Sunset extended her body out as far as it would go. Only supported by Flash and a single skate. This time, she laid back towards the ice. The back of her head, inches off the ground.
Flash lifted Sunset up again. And the two rapidly skated together holding a hand to gain speed.
Flash spiraled Sunset around him again. Sunset supported herself on a leg, and bent the other one towards her back, grabbing it with her free hand. Slowly, Flash lowered her to the ground and Sunset extended her leg. She craned her neck, bringing her face within inches of the ice.
Flash brought Sunset back up to her feet.
The two skated forward, Jumped,
Spun three times,
And hit the ice simultaneously.
The two flung their arms out as the song finished.
The crowd exploded into wild cheers.
The two skated back to the entrance to the rink, frantically trying to catch their breaths.
Sunset turned to Pinkie. “Huff…pufff…beat THAT!”
Pinkie shook her head and her eyes adjusted to the light as if she had just woken up from a deep sleep. She turned to Sunset. Pinkie’s blank slate of a face gave way to a smile that started slowly and eventually spread across her entire face. “That was AMAZING! I loved it!”
“Uh…you did?” Sunset asked, surprised that Pinkie would complement what was certainly going to be the skating she lost to.
Pinkie nodded her head vigorously, “I learned so much just from watching you two! I can’t wait to try some of that out when it’s my turn!”
“WHAT?!” Sunset exclaimed.
It took me months to get those spins right, and I nearly killed myself…and Flash, I guess… doing them. Either she’s a savant, or she’s going to get herself killed.
Fingers crossed that it’s the later…
“And FINALLY, our last contestants; Chris Pearson and Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Dan called out.
“Oops! Speak of the devil.” Pinkie said with a giggle. “Come on, Chris! We have to do one of those spinny things where you hold my hand and I hold myself like this!” Pinkie continued skating on one leg, and bent her other behind her back, holding her skate with a hand as she extended the other one out. “It looked like so much fun!”
“Heh. Sure Pinkie.” Chris said simply.
Sunset shimmer gawked after them.
She can’t be human…she just can’t be.
“Huh.” Chris said. “I just realized we don’t have a song.”
“Oh, you’re right! I wonder if Dan and Elise…”
Chris and Pinkie smiled at each other and extended their hands out towards each other.
The two slowly began skating around the rink.
The two let go of each other’s hands.
In unison, the two jumped slightly and spun once.
They hit the ground, and bounded off again.
Their skates lightly touched the ice and they jumped and spun again.
The two smiled at each other again and picked up speed.
The two raced across the rink.
Chris picked up Pinkie and flung her into the air.
Pinkie spun three times before Chris caught her and set her down again.
The two zoomed around the rink at a breathtaking speed.
In unison, the two jumped off the ice again…
…and executed two perfectly synchronized triple spins.
The two reached out for each other’s hands and continued their rapid skating.
The two turned, facing each other and grabbed the others free hand and began rapidly spinning, bending their knees and extending a leg out, lowering themselves to the ground.
Chris and Pinkie let go of a hand and extended their arms. Pinkie extended her body out with her back towards the ice, supporting herself on skate, and Chris lowered his body holding Pinkie’s body inches off the ground.
Chris raised Pinkie back up.
The two continued their rapid race across the rink.
Chris lifted Pinkie again and threw her into the air.
Pinkie rotated several times.
Hit the ground.
And began rapidly spinning in place.
Chris reached out and, lifted her, and placed her on the ground as he held her hand…
…spinning at the same rapid pace as Pinkie extended her arm, and a leg, lifting her other leg towards her back and grabbing her skate.
Pinkie released Chris’s hand and continued spinning on a single leg with her arm extended as she continued to hold a leg and arm behind her back.
Chris dashed over to Pinkie and picked her up, spinning with the same momentum the punk blur of curly hair was maintaining moments before
Chris threw Pinkie into the air again as she spun. She landed back safely in Chris hands.
“Did…did she let go on a death spiral?!” Flash asked in disbelief.
“AND SUPPORTED HERSELF WHILE SPINNING?!” He added.
Sunset said nothing and glared fiery daggers at the skating pair.
Elise and Dan stood in silence looking out into the rink.
“Nice song, pick by the way.” Elise said breaking the silence.
“Thanks but…Did you know Chris was this good?!” Dan said motioning out into the rink with both hands.
“Of course not! I guess I should go skating with him more often.” Elise mused, eyes still fixed to the couple. “What surprises me more is Pinkie!”
“And to think she was tripping over everything that stood more than an inch off the ground a few hours ago.” Dan commented
Chris held Pinkie high in the air, supporting her by a leg and her stomach as she extended her arms to her side and a leg out behind her.
The two continued at breakneck speeds as Chris lowered Pinkie to the ground.
The two joined hands again, and once again began spinning and lowering themselves closer to the ground.
The two began another spiral. Chris lifted a leg and grabbed a skate with a hand as he extended Pinkie out. Pinkie leaned backwards, extending her head and leg out as Chris spun her.
Pinkie extended her arm out to Chris he helped her and the two began slowly skating around the rink to the roaring cheers of the crowd.
Pinkie skated up to Sunset Shimmer. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! That was so”
A vein became visible on Sunset’s forehead as her eye twitched. “I’ll DESTROY YOU!” Sunset leaped at Pinkie, but was quickly stopped as Flash wrapped her arms around her.
“That’s enough, Sunset. Let’s give them some space before you get us kicked out.” Flash said, dragging the kicking and screaming woman away.
Pinkie merely looked after the two with a disappointed look on her face.
Chris skated up to Pinkie. “Pinkie, that was incredible! Where’d you learn how to do that?!” He asked.
Pinkie turned to Chris and smiled. “A few minutes ago when I was watching Sunset and Flash.”
“WHAT?! That’s impossible!”
“Silly Chris! It was mostly just things I saw Sunset doing…” Pinkie looked to the side and gave herself a little grin. “Mostly.”
Right, I forgot I was supposed to stop asking questions…
“GOSH!” Elise exclaimed. “My husband is amazing!”
Dan just sighed sadly to himself.
“What’s your problem?” Elise asked raising an eyebrow.
Dan looked up at her. “Do you think we’re going to have to go skating more often?”
Elise smiled and shrugged. “I’m sure the two of us can always find something else to occupy ourselves with if that happens.”
Loud banging sounded out from a closed door. “WHY HAVEN’T WE BEEN LET OUT, YET?!”
“Yeah, they’re really keeping us in the dark here!” Another voice rang out.
“AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”
“The JUDGES have reached a decision!” A female voice spoke out dramatically.
Dan and Elise turned to face the three judges that walked up and into the announcer’s booth.
“Well! What is it?” Dan asked.
“We have decided that we can’t decide between the final two contestants! TROPHIES FOR EVERYONE!” The judge announced dramatically.
“WHAT?!” Dan and Elise exclaimed in unison.
“That’s ridiculous! Just make them have a skate off, or something.” Dan suggested irritably.
“You dare defy the will of the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal!?”
“I do dare!” Dan said.
The female judge pointed out at Dan and Elise. “Judges! Exert your judicial powers upon them!”
The two male judges walked forward into a hailstorm of fists and kicks that quickly left them beaten and subdued.
The female judge paused. “Skate off, it is.”
Dan grinned a toothy smile and grabbed the microphone. “The judges are deadlocked on the winner. The final two contestant will have skate off!”
The crowd roared in approval.
“A SKATE OFF?!” Sunset screamed at the booth. “WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS THIS?!”
“Don’t look at me!” Dan said into the microphone. “It was either that or you both win!”
“Ooo! Ooo! Let’s do that instead!” Pinkie insisted.
Sunset turned and glared at Pinkie. “No way! I’m not sharing my victory with the likes of you. Come on Flash.”
Flash sighed as Sunset reached for his hand. The two skated out into the center.
“We’re going to do the mother of all death spirals!” Sunset announced.
“Fine. Fine.” Flash muttered as the two picked up speed.
“Awww…I was really hoping we’d both win…” Pinkie exclaimed.
Sunset looked back at her. “I’m going to mop the ice with that stupid looking curly mess you call hair.” She turned back towards the rink.
Chris smiled and held out his hand. “Come on…I bet we can skate circles around them!”
Pinkie took his hand and smiled. “Literally, or figuratively?”
Chris chuckled. “Hehe, ‘figuratively’” He said to himself. “But let’s maybe try literally first.”
“Ooo! Ooo! Do you think you can pick me up and spin around really, really, really fast while doing it?!” Pinkie asked excitedly.
“That sounds ludicrously dangerous and probably physically impossible.”
Chris smiled. “Let’s do it.”
Pinkie beamed. “Yay!”
Flash extended his arm out as Sunset held tight. She turned her back to the ice as the couple began lowering themselves. She extended her leg on the ice, far, far away and the two began rapidly spiraling as Sunset was held a mere inch of the ground.
Chris and Pinkie skated out towards the couple and began skating around them in a wide circle. Once the two had achieved a rapid speed, Chris Lifted Pinkie into the air, supporting her with both hands on her stomach.
“Wheeee!” Pinkie through her arms and legs out to the side as Chris began to spin in the same circular arc as before. The two spun into a blur until they resembled a top, spinning rapidly over the ice.
Without warning, the circle they were spinning on cracked, and the ice fractured. The circle of ice containing Flash and Sunset capsized into icy water that the two quickly found themselves submerged in.
Elise motioned out into the arena. “HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! THERE WASN’T EVEN ANY WATER UNDER THE RINK!”
Dan paused. “Ummm…” He turned to the judges. “I think that’s ‘game’ those two just broke the rink with their skating…not to mention many laws of physics and reality…”
The female judge nodded. “Thankfully the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal does not recognize the laws of physics or reality within these halls.” She leaned down to the microphone. “Pinkie and Chris are the winners!”
Pinkie and Chris stopped spinning and Chris gently set Pinkie on the ground.
“Whoawhoawhoa…” Pinkie dizzily skated around and regained her balance. With a huge smile, she skated up to Chris and gave him a giant hug. “We did it!” She said excitedly.
Chris beamed proudly. “We sure did. Just…don’t ask me how…”
Dan and Elise ran down the crowded arena steps towards the rink.
“Chris! Pinkie!” Elise cried out. “You two were absolutely spectacular!”
Dan and Elise touched ice with their feet simultaneously, and immediately flew backwards, hitting their heads’ on the rink entrance floor.
“Ow.” Elise said simply.
“Yes, Elise.” Dan agreed. “Very, ‘ow’.”
Pinkie and Chris skated up to the downed pair and helped them back onto their feet.
Elise immediately leapt up to plant a passionate kiss on her husband’s lips as Chris’s arms encircled her.
“Uh. Hi, honey.”
“Chris! That was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen! I’m so, so proud of you!”
Chris smiled and leaned in to give his wife another kiss.
“Gross!” Dan commented. “Get a room, you…” Dan stopped as he felt Pinkie’s crushing embrace, her soft face rubbing energetically against his rough stubble.
“DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DIDJA SEE ME?! DIDJASEEME?!”
Dan struggled in Pinkie’s grip enough to look her in the face and smiled. “Yes Pinkie. You were absolutely incredible. Where’d you learn to skate like…”
Chris interrupted. “Don’t ask, Dan. You’ll be happier that way.” He explained.
Dan looked back at Pinkie holding his smile and shrugged. “Fair enough.”
The four paused as they heard splashing and frantic sputters from the rink as Flash and Sunset emerged from the water and struggled to climb onto the slippery ice.
“Oh! Chris! We better go help them.” Pinkie skated off towards the pair, Chris in pursuit.
Chris bent down to help up Flash, who graciously accepted.
Pinkie bent down to help Sunset. “You were the most spectacularly great skater I ever SAW!” Pinkie said with a smile as she held out a hand to help Sunset.
Sunset elected to spit a large amount of water onto the face of Pinkie in lieu of accepting her help.
“HEY! Your hair will dry, and when it does I’m going to turn your head into a roman candle!” Dan called out from the rink entrance.
Pinkie frowned and wiped away the water.
“Get lost.” Sunset said to Pinkie. “For your sake, I hope we never meet again.”
Pinkie sighed, and began skating back to the entrance of the rink.
Chris frowned at Sunset and continued on after Pinkie.
Sunset reached out a hand. “Help me up, Flash.”
“Yeah…so…I’m breaking up with you.” Flash stated.
“WHAT?! WHY?!” Sunset demanded.
“I uhh…I think I hate you…like…with every fiber of my being. You are without a doubt the worst human being I have ever met. So...” Flash put on a happy smile and waved. “Bye!” He skated away towards the rink entrance.
“Wait! Flash! At least get me out of the water!” Sunset pleaded.
The lights in the stadium went dim with a loud ‘THOMB’.
The lights went out completely, leaving Sunset in the cold, dark water.
“…please? I think…I think hypothermia is starting to set in…”
Out in the dark parking lot, people filled out into the warm Southern California night. Lights from the parking lot shinning down on them and the cars.
Dan and Pinkie walked side by side.
Elise walked firmly attached to her husband’s arm.
“I can’t believe we went through all that just for…THAT!” Dan commented, motioning to the small trophy adorned by a golden pair of figure skaters in Pinkie’s hand.
Pinkie shrugged. “Flash did say it was for amateurs. Besides…” Pinkie smiled wide. “I didn’t care about winning. I’m just glad everyone had fun…in their own ways, of course.” She added with a sly grin directed at Dan and Elise
Dan and Elise exchanged a glance and chuckled.
“So,” Dan began. “You work out your balance?”
Pinkie turned to him. “Are you kidding?!” She said, excitedly handing him the trophy. “Watch THIS!”
Pinkie spread her legs, put her hands into the air, and leaned sideways onto her hand executing a perfect cartwheel directly into the side of a car.
Dan cringed at the impact.
Pinkie giggled at herself from the ground. “Hehehe. Whoops! I need to remember to look where I’m going when I do that.”
Dan quickly walked over and helped Pinkie to her feet.
Chris piped up, “So? Dinner?” He said with a large grin.
Dan furrowed his brow at Chris as Pinkie wrapped her arms around one of Dan’s. “Excuse you, Mr. Feedbags. But I was promised a game system and a new T.V. for my troubles.”
Chris frowned, “Dan…everything’s closed at this hour.”
Dan’s expression sank into gloom.
Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Didn’t stop us last time.” She sang out.
Chris looked surprise and looked down at Dan and Pinkie. “What? You and Dan…”
“She means her and me.” Elise said with a smile looking up at Chris.
Chris looked down at Elise. “You?!”
Elise shrugged and smiled encouragingly at her husband. “Come on! A few cut wires, a few picked locks, some quiet sneaking. We’ll be in and out before anyone know we were there.”
Chris began to look pensive.
“Ooo! Ooo! Can we stop at Dan and my apartment first! I have night vision goggles now! They’re so…night visiony!”
Elise nodded. “Of course!” She said enthusiastically.
“I hope you have another pair for me.” Dan stressed.
Pinkie nodded vigorously, “Silly Danny! I got enough for everybody!”
“Even me?” Chris asked with a giddy smile.
Pinkie looked up at Chris and winked. “Especially you, skate partner.”
Chris’s attitude immediately did a 180. “Come on everyone! Let’s go commit breaking and entering and pay for everything we take!”
Pinkie raised a triumphant arm. “Yay!” She let go of Dan’s arm and turned to him “Race ya to the car!”
Pinkie dashed off to the nearest car, jumped on the hood, ran up to the roof of the car and began bounding from car top to car top towards the blue sedan.
Dan paused and sighed with a small smile. He felt a large hand on his shoulder and looked up to Chris.
“Guess you’ll have to get use to not being better at her at everything.” Chris said with a grin.
Dan’s smile widened. “I’m about to have video games.” He said with a shrug. “It’ll be enough.”
“Come ON slowpokes! You three are the slowest pokes I ever saw poke!” Pinkie called out from the car.
The trio of friends made their way to the car and a night full of burglary, food, and fun between good friends.