Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 150 Pinkie Vs. Candy
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie
Chapter 150 Pinkie Vs. Candy
-oooooo-
Elise slowly tilted her head past a brick wall as she eyed a long line of candy that led away from the sidewalk and down a dark alleyway. The candy line weaved around dumpsters and bags of garbage as it went further and further into the alley, its end far away from the prying eyes of the public.
Despite the absurdity of what was being attempted, Elise found her instincts took over and that she was giving the task of luring her best friend into a dark alley with a trail of candy as much energy as she would any mission from her employer.
Soon her target approached, accompanied by the man she’d have to separate her from if this was going to work.
“All I’m saying is that the concept of daylight saving time is a fundamentally flawed one,” Dan said to his pink-haired companion who happily walked alongside him down the sidewalk, “and that maybe we should take some time to visit New Zealand, dig up George Vernon Hudson, and slap his corpse around a bit for all the pain he’s caused to the world.”
Elise ducked into the alley and ran for a large green dumpster hiding behind it. “Target sighted,” she said to the bluetooth device in her ear.
“Is Dan with her?” Chris asked from the other line.
“Yes,” Elise replied, “but he’s in the middle of a rant. There’s a good change Pinkie will peel off upon the candy trail and Dan will just keep talking. I’ll try to shadow her as she gets closer to the trap.”
“Oh! We should have code names!” Chris said excitedly.
“Code names?” Elise asked as she peered around her dumpster. She smiled to herself as she noticed Pinkie hunched over, slowly collecting pieces of candy as she followed the trail. Elise then looked up at a doorway down the alleyway in the building across from her.
Chris continued, “Yeah! I mean, with you helping me out this feels like a spy operation right out of a movie.”
Elise quickly rushed towards the doorway and hid behind it. “Well, that’s probably because I’m sort of a professional at this… the spy part that is… not so much the trail of candy leading to a crate,” Elise said as she stared at the candy trail again. She crinkled her brow and pursed her lips as she looked down the trail. Wait… something seems… off…
Chris continued to chat away on his phone. “What do you think my spy name should be?” he asked. “I mean… I do like ‘Steel Scorpion’, but that’s also my supervillain name. Should my spy name be different from my super villain name? Maybe something to do with bears.”
“Hey Chris,” Elise said, “there’s something strange going on with the candy trail.”
“Of course bears aren’t known for their stealth…” Chris mused. “Elise, you’ve seen a lot of weird animals… is there some sort of chameleon or praying mantis bear?”
“Hold that thought, Chris… Did you put down two candy trails?”
“Whaft?” Chris replied, his mouth muffled as if full. Elise had a pretty good idea of what it was full of. She shook her head. Chris could barely contain himself to lay down one candy trail… no way he’d leave a second.
“Someone’s been tampering with our bait…” Elise said.
Chris swallowed. “What? Are Dan and Pinkie on to us, you think?!”Chris asked in a distressed tone. “Is our mission blown?! Do we need to get new identities, flee the country, and lay low? Always one step above the law?”
Elise walked over to where the trail split off and examined the second trail. “I think that would be a bit extreme for what we’re attempting to do. Not to mention Dan and Pinkie aren’t that likely to contact the authorities.” She bent down and picked up one of the pieces of candy from the second trail and examined it; it had a shiny gold foil wrapper. Chris and I just bought some cheap generic candy in bulk… Elise followed the second trail of candy with her eyes.
“Beautiful? Everything okay?” Chris asked.
Elise began to follow the second candy trail. She soon discovered where it led.
“I don’t believe it…” Elise muttered.
“What?!” Chris cried. “Is it the fuzz? The Feds? Scary, secret agent guys like from the Matrix?! Oh God! I had no idea trying to trap my best friend’s girlfriend would draw this kind of attention!”
“Chris, calm down! We’re fine… just…. Just you better get over here.”
-ooo-
Pinkie jumped as she heard a loud ‘crash’ all around her and the dim light of the alley soon went pitch black. She quickly fumbled for her handbag in the darkness. Soon her phone provided some dim illumination. She hit the screen a few times and raised the phone to her ear. “Dan! Help!”
“Goofball? Where did you go? Are you okay?”
“I’m trapped!” Pinkie said in a somewhat panicky tone as her eyes darted in every direction.
“Trapped? Where!? Did someone kidnap you again?!”
“Well… so far I’m just trapped in a small dark place…” Pinkie knocked on one of the walls. “A small, dark wooden place.”
“… Like a crate?” Dan asked.
“Erm… More like a box that’s made out of wood…”
Dan’s irritated grumbling could be heard from the phone. “That’s what a crate is, doofus! That’s pretty much the definition of crate!”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “Well I’m sorry if being trapped in a big square thing made out of dead tree has got me sort of discombobulated right now!”
“Okay, calm down,” Dan said.
“YOU CALM DOWN!” Pinkie cried shrilly at her phone.
“I am calm!” Dan said back. “I’m not the one freaking out because she’s trapped in a crate.”
“Oh, right…” Pinkie said. “ME CALM DOWN!” she shouted pointing at herself.
“Just tell me what happened.”
“Someone left a trail of candy, Dan! And when I followed it and grabbed the last piece that had a string attached to it, this cube-shaped object made of lumber fell down on me.”
Dan was silent for a moment. “… You’re telling me you followed a trail of candy until you were under a crate and still went for the last piece despite there obviously being a string attached around it!? You actually fell for the oldest trick in the book?”
“Dan! The trail had generic, colorful disc candy that tastes like chalk and sugar mixed together! I’m not made out of stone!”
Dan sighed. “Look, have you tried lifting the crate?”
“No, but…” Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “What if that’s what they want me to do?!”
“They?!” Dan cried. “Who’s they?!”
“IF I KNEW THAT I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!” Pinkie screamed.
“Okay, okay, geez! Just…Oh, hey… Goofball, I’m pretty sure I just—”
“Wait…” Pinkie said as she heard the sound of approaching footsteps. “Oh my gosh, Dan! There’s someone here!”
“Goofball, just relax, it’s—”
“No, Dan! You have to listen to me! I’m about to be taken!”
Dan sighed heavily.
“Now when the bad guys lift the crate, I’m going to shout everything I see about them. Do you have a recorder ready?”
“Pinkie, I’m on the phone with you. What do you think?”
“Are you recording the call for quality assurance?”
“Why the heck would I do that?!” Dan snapped. “It was just you calling me! I’m not a call service center, Pinkie. Look, just hold on—”
“Okay, but I want you to use the information I shout out to go on a revenge spree. I imagine you’ll have to fight your way through many lowlifes involved in human trafficking, as well as corrupt government officials. You may have to shoot someone’s wife who really has nothing to do with this, but I’ll understand.”
The sound of wood scraping concrete was heard as light began to flood the crate from the bottom.
Pinkie began to shout at her phone. “AND IF YOU CAN’T RESCUE ME, AVENGE ME! AVENGE MEEEEEEEE!”
The crate began to slowly lift.
“Dan! They’re here! Uh… Fingers! Feet… Legs! Er… I mean… Black boots… JEANS… Black ‘JERK’ shirt? Er… Goatee… Angry expression… Dan?” Pinkie terminated the call as Dan gave the crate one last push. With a ‘bang’ it fell over, leaving Pinkie completely free.
“Are you done being melodramatic?” Dan asked.
“You’re the one who’s going to takenap me?!” Pinkie said. “I mean… if you wanted to do that, you could have just knocked me out at home!” Pinkie smiled sweetly at Dan. “But I do appreciate the extra effort.”
“No, stupid!” Dan said. “I’ve been looking for you ever since I noticed you were gone! Then I heard your high-pitched screaming and yelling. You weren’t exactly far.” Dan looked at the crate. “Though it does make me wonder who would be stupid enough to want to kidnap you.”
“Do you have to ask?” Pinkie said. “I mean, just a few days ago lots of people were involved in kidnapping you!”
“I said ‘stupid enough’, not who would be motivated to do it,” Dan said. “Most everyone who was involved in trying to extract revenge on us got thrashed… and they showed a little more creativity,” Dan said as he motioned to the crate.
Pinkie gasped. “Maybe it’s TOK finally making their move! I mean… they’re really taking their time with this whole thing considering what we did…”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, they’re interdimensional energy beings who could teleport across dimensions. I think they could do better than a trail of candy and a wooden box.”
“I’m just thinking outside the crate, Dan.” Pinkie turned towards the crate and gave it a thoughtful look. “Although maybe I should start thinking inside the crate.”
Dan gave out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. “Let’s just go… We still need to pick up face paint and fake blood for Dismemberfest.”
Pinkie suddenly went stiff as a board as she forced a toothy grin onto her face. “Right… that thing… can’t… can’t wait…” She took another look at the crate. “Are you sure I shouldn’t maybe stay in the crate and think of who might want to—”
“Just come on!” Dan exclaimed as he walked away.
Pinkie whimpered slightly as she began to follow.
Dan launched back into his rant, almost as if the last several minutes had not occurred. “So anyways, once we’re done with Hudson, I say we travel to England and find William Willett’s grave and give him a thrashing, too.” Dan smiled to himself. “Then we can find Robert Pearce and give him the same treatment.” Dan turned. “What do you think Pinkie?”
Dan stopped walking as he noticed he was talking to open air.
“Pinkie?” Dan said as he looked around. He sighed heavily as he smacked a palm against his face. “Not again…”
-ooo-
“I can’t believe it,” Chris said, shaking his head.
Chris stood next to Elise, shooting angry looks at Don and Elise Sr. The older couple stood next to a crate which was propped up on a stick, the line of high-quality candy led up to underneath it with the last peace with a string attached to the stick.
“Even when I’ve stopped caring if you two like me or not, you’re still finding ways to make my life more difficult.” Chris shoved a handful of candy into his mouth. “Iwt’s swickenwing!”
“Stop eating our bait!” Don cried. “Also, it’s not easy having a do-nothing idiot as a son-in-law! I can’t believe that out of all the smart and very fit men Elise has dated over the years, she’d end up with you!”
Chris slowed. “Hey! I have a job!” he cried.
“Yeah! As a simple baker and cashier! Everyone else Elise dated had jobs too! Important jobs like astronaut and lifeguard!”
Elise sighed heavily. “Dad… pretty much every guy I’ve dated was also a self-centered narcissist who treated me as a helpless, and sometimes even brainless girl who was lucky to have them.”
Elise Sr. cocked an eyebrow. “So you settled for a fat, goofy idiot just because he was nice to you?”
“Chris appreciates me like no one else I’ve met before!” Elise narrowed her eyes as she looked between her parents. “And I do mean ‘no one else’.”
Elise Sr. frowned. “We just want what’s best for you, Junior…”
“No, you both just want what’s best for yourself!” Elise cried. “Always have!”
Chris gently rested a hand on Elise’s shoulder. “Sorry beautiful, but can we please get back to how your parents are horrible people later? They’re sort of ruining our mission here.”
Elise turned towards Chris and nodded. “Of course, handsome.” She turned back towards her parents. “Why do you have a candy trail here in the middle of a dark alley?”
Don slowly breathed out in irritation. “We were trying to capture that pink-haired lunatic that works with Chris.”
“Seriously!?” Elise cried. “You two really are hopeless!”
Elise Sr. turned to her daughter. “Oh, and what where you two doing with your candy trail?!”
Elise sighed. “We just needed to keep Pinkie busy for about a day. We weren’t going to hurt her!”
“Neither were we!” Don insisted. “We just needed to ask Pinkie some questions.”
“Questions?” Chris asked.
“According to that boss of yours, Pinkie is the reason your bakery run by complete nut-jobs is such a success.”
Chris scrunched his lips to one side of his mouth as he thought about this. “Well, I suppose that’s technically true, but it’s not like there’s any great secret to how we keep it running. It was more like Pinkie’s involvement somehow caused a train to rocket forward and there’s no way to stop it now.”
Don furrowed his brow at Chris. “There’s got to be some method to—”
“Also the train is on fire,” Chris added.
Don sighed. “As I was saying, There’s got to—”
“Like... All the time.”
“WOULD YOU GIVE ME TIME TO RESPOND?!” Don snapped.
Elise took a step forward. “I think what Chris is getting at is there’s probably no secret method to how the bakery works… It just does and everyone there is just along for the ride at this point, Pinkie included.”
Chris nodded. “Right. I mean, I’m sure there’s a few things we do differently than other bakeries, but—”
“That!” Don exclaimed. “That right there is what I’d like to know.”
Chris sighed. “Well if it gets you out of our hair, I’m could tell you how the bakery is run.”
Don narrowed his eyes at Chris. “And why would we trust you? You hate us!”
Chris nodded. “Only because you’ve tried to kill me multiple times and have tried to ship me off to other countries.”
Elise gritted her teeth. “Remind me, why did I agree to attempt burying the hatchet with you two?”
Elise Sr. gave her a daughter a serious look. “Because you owe me one.”
“You got paid!” Elise shot back.
“Paid?” Don said. “What’s this abo—”
Elise interrupted, “I don’t see why Pinkie is a better option than Chris. She hates you too.”
Elise Sr. sighed. “Yes, we know…”
Elise continued. “And this is Pinkie we’re talking about! Dan is her boyfriend! Boyfriend! Just let that sink in for a bit!”
Don smirked. “Clearly she’s a poor judge of character.”
Elise’s eyes narrowed. “You do realize I’m pretty much her best friend, right?”
Don’s smile dropped. “Uh… I didn’t mean…. I wasn’t….”
Chris chuckled and shook his head. “Great job patching up things with your daughter there, Don.”
Don turned and glared at Chris. “Hey! If you think I’m going to put up with flak from a goofy, overweight buffoon just because he’s married to my daughter, you are sadly mistaken.”
Elise Sr. frowned slightly. “Don, this isn’t helping.”
“Oh yeah?” Chris said. “What are you going to do about it? Make a second candy trail with a crate to trap me?”
Elise smiled. “You tell him, Chris!”
“Junior!” Elise Sr. snapped.
“What?!” Elise replied. “I’m still mad! And you’re right! Neither of you are helping.”
Don took a step closer towards Chris. “I wouldn’t need a box to deal with you!” he said threateningly.
Chris also took a step closer. “Oh yeah? Well maybe this whole conversation has me feeling a bit ursine.”
“Dear!” Elise Sr. said. “Calm down!”
“Go Chris!” Elise said. “Transform! Take him out!”
“Jun— Elise!” Elise Sr. cried. “Why aren’t you trying to stop this?”
“Why would I?” Elise asked. “It’s your husband that might get mauled by a bear!”
“He’s your father!”
“My father who’s tried to kill my husband more than once!”
Elise Sr. sighed heavily. “Am I the only one actually trying to keep this family together?”
“I really don’t know why you bother,” a high-pitched feminine voice commented. “Seems like a lost cause if you ask me.”
Elise Sr. wheeled to glare at the source of the voice. “No one asked you, Pinkie! Could you leave us alone? This is sort of a… uh…”
Pinkie casually unwrapped a piece of candy and popped it into her mouth. “‘Swort of a’ what?” Pinkie asked as she chewed on a piece of caramel candy.
“Oh dear,” Chris said in a worried tone.
Elise smacked a palm against her head.
Don glared at Chris. “Thanks. Great job blowing our cover.”
“ME?!” Chris exclaimed. “You two were the ones who set up a second candy trail to try and trap Pinkie.”
Elise Sr. groaned. “Good idea everyone. Let’s just tell the girl exactly what we’re doing so she knows what to avoid.”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Oh please! I mean… I’m really enjoying all the free candy, but I really hope no one ties me up and points a gun at me again!”
“No one is going to do anything like that!” Elise said. She turned towards her parents. “Right?”
Elise Sr. frowned. “Well… I guess I can rethink my questioning methods.”
Elise sighed heavily and shook her head. “Mom… really?”
Pinkie peered at the crate. “So why are you all trying to trap me?” She looked around at the people in the alley. “Is this some fun way of bringing the family together?”
“Uhh… Yes!” Don said as he put a smile on his face. “We thought it trapping you in a crate would be a fun family activity!”
Pinkie frowned. “Well, I don’t like being trapped in a crate.” She smiled. “But hey, free candy!”
Don walked up to Pinkie. “Well, maybe we can skip the crate and simply give you more candy if you answer some questions about the bakery.”
“Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Like what?”
“Well for starters, you can tell me why it’s so successful despite the fact you all run it like an out-of-control nut house!”
Pinkie giggled. “That’s not a secret or anything! Chris could have told you that!”
“That’s what I said!” Chris cried.
“Come on!” Don insisted. “You must have some secret method that keeps people coming to the bakery.”
Pinkie shrugged. “We just make really good food and people seem to like how crazy and fun it is at the bakery! They don’t even mind getting hit with cupcakes or finding socks in their muffins as long as they get free food.”
Don narrowed his eyes. “You’re telling me I should start throwing food at people and baking clothes into my cupcakes to attract business?!”
Chris spoke up. “Well it has to be good food and cupcakes.”
Pinkie nodded. “That is a rather important part.”
“My cupcakes are good!” Don insisted.
“Pffft… Sure they are,” Pinkie said sarcastically. “Still using imitation dyes and flavoring?”
Don crossed his arms and grumbled irritably to himself.
“Pinkie,” Elise said as she placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder, “we’re really sorry we tried to trap you with a crate.”
“That’s okay, Elise!” Pinkie said. “I understand your family is important to you.”
Elise sighed and shook her head. “No, it’s…” she turned and gave Chris a pleading look. “It’s something else…”
Chris swallowed and turned towards Pinkie, giving her a scared, apologetic look. “I wanted to detain you long enough that Dan decided to take me to Dismemberfest instead of you.”
Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “You want to make it so I can’t go to Dismemberfest with Dan?!”
Chris nodded his head up and down. “Sorry, but it was the only way I could think of Dan asking me to go with him! It’s not like I could just say that I miss spending time with him!”
Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, he’d definitely just make fun of you for that.”
“So I got desperate and came up with this plan to trap you for a bit.” Chris interlaced his fingers and held his hands under his chin. “Please don’t stab me or remove my limbs with a chainsaw.”
“Chris, it’s fine, really!” Pinkie replied.
Chris and Elise exchanged surprised looks. “It is?” they said in unison.
Pinkie nodded as a devious smile suddenly took hold of her features. “In fact, I want in,” she purred.
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What are the odds that their plans would intersect like that? Don, I'm not sure that what Pinkie does can be replicated (besides the natural flavors and all). Pinkie wants in on the plan? Plot twisting ahoy! First comment!
I'm...I'm scared... WOO! Lovely banter work!
Great chapter.
Taken Phone Speech [HD]: http://youtu.be/jZOywn1qArI
Dan has a particular set of skills?
Oooh, twist!
Pinkie;s min is a doubled edge sword, with a blade for a handle
Missing word in here.
free food.
Aaaand plot twist number one.
Aaaaand plot twist number two.
Ok. The pace is picking up. I can tell this one is going to be one wild ride. Tallyho!
Ooh, somebody pick up the phone, because I CALLED it! I totally knew this was going to happen last chapter.
On a different note, this was a great chapter. Don and Elise Sr. are still giving off the douche vibes, and that twist tho at the end.
~ Ze Royal Doofus
There are some typos but all in all I love it! Another great chapter!
But I still hope we get a Dan vs. Pie Sisters chapter-Kirb, back in the saddle again.
They really are somewhere more between "take the law into their own hands" and "a law unto themselves".
I'm not surprised the pair of them have seen those movies (being the relevance to at least Dan's interests) I'm a bit surprised it didn't come up in the previous arc.
Also, never get into a fist fight with a man-bear-pig. Aka Chris.
I think you mean "candy trail".
as she eyed a long line of candy that lead away from
She soon discovered where it lead
Neither where we
but It’s not like there’s
You two where the ones
1. Led.
2. Led.
3. Were.
4. Extra capitalisation.
5. Were.
You know I feel a friendship lesson coming..... Which will be horribly mutilated And dismembered because Dans involved. I'm sure Chris will learn a lesson... Most likely in pain... Or fear since if he succeeds in his mission he will have to sit through horror movies which he's afraid of.
It really strikes me as a counter productive move on his part.
A wise man once said: "Only the government would think if you cut off one end of a blanket and sewed it onto the other end, you would have a longer blanket."
This is the greatest metaphor of all time. OF ALL TIME, I SAY!
Wasn't Benjamin Franklin the one who came up with daylight savings time? I really liked the Taken reference. I'm trying to remember, what does Don do for a living and why didn't he just ask Pinkie about her secret? Since Pinkie is now in on Chris's plan, does that mean the title of the story arc is going to change?
And the author does it again!
Pinkie needs a third crate. One marked beware of snakes. that moves around, which when with the other two, she is not under.
5493985 I can just imagine it now
Maud: rock
Dan : sock
Put them together aaaaand you have a flail and 27 assault charges!
There is no way this is not going to end in tears and I LOVE IT!
5494875 Franklin suggested it, but wasn't part of instituting it. It was enacted well after his death.
5496875 the kind that hasn't been washed in 8 years
5494257
5493886
5494335
Got these! Thank you!
5497135 I always imagined Dan as one of those guys who wears socks so big they go all the way to the underwear (I used to do that. It's sooooo comfy)
5497262 not really dans pretty short
Pinkie wants in on this plan?!?! (Eye twitch)
5493578 She does not want to go.
Pink has spoken! SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO!
UNIVERSAL REARRANGEMENT!
DOCTOR!
*What!?*
Get the TARDIS! Travel back in time and plant that idea!
*WHAT!?*
USE THE BLOODY BUTTERFLY EFFECT! PRONTO! PINKIE DOES NOT WANT TO GO!
ACTIVATE TIME WARP DRIVE TO HAVE PERFECTLY COINCIDENTAL PLAN WHICH COINCIDES WITH PINKIE PIE'S INTERESTS TO NOT GO TO DISMEMBERFEST WHILE PUTTING THE FEAR OF PINK INTO EVERYBODY!
OPERATION PINKAMANIA'S COINCIDENTAL BUTTERFLY ESCAPE FROM WHEEL OF FEAR AND SCREAMS!
IS
A
GO!
*WHAT!?*
5500049 Good to know. Now go back into your cage, little, troll.
that ending was made of win.
5497097 Fun little chapter.
5507098 are you still here?
There's...no more chapters! THE STORY ISN'T FINISHED!!
*Gets down on her knees, raising her arms to the sky* AUUUUTHOOOOOR!!! >=(
5511326
AyanamiRei
VS
Justice4243
You have no one to blame but yourself...
I didn't see Pinkie say "Oh, a piece of candy" over as she followed the candy trail.
I'm sorely disappointed by this, but the 2nd trail was unexpected and hilarious so I'll be forgiving.
5500399 *fangirl scream* Dr Who!!!!!!!!!!! *passes out*
Yeah... I should work on not fangirling everyti- OMG! Peter Davison might make a sequel to his 50th anniversary special of Dr.Who! *fangirl squeal* OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! *passes out*
There’s a good change Pinkie
a good chance Pinkie
Yeah, I think I support Dan on this one.
5493648
Involving inordinate collateral damage, rage fueled rampages, and - most recently - punching people into space.
I am immensely relieved by this turn of events.
Elise: Instead of burying it in your backs instead.