Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 113 Dan & Pinkie Vs. The Salvation Armed Forces
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt
Chapter 113 Dan & Pinkie Vs. The Salvation Armed Forces
-oooooo-
Author’s notes: After watching part of a Dan Vs. episode, I saw that ‘Conglomerate’ is Dan’s world’s equivalent to ‘Monopoly’. As such, I’ll probably go back at some point and change any instance of ‘Monopoly’ to ‘Conglomerate’ and instances of ‘Mr. Pennybags’ to ‘Mr. Moneybags’.
-oooooo-
With a ‘Smack!’ and an “Oof!” Pinkie hit her face against the driver’s side window as The Salvation Armed Forces van lurched right as it barreled down the streetlight-lit street. Her military hat fell to the floor below. Pinkie quickly bent down to retrieve it.
“Dangit, Goofball!” Dan cried as he snatched the hat and held it up. “Keep your eyes on the road!”
“Sorry, Dan!” Pinkie said as she grabbed her hat and put it back atop her curly pink hair. Her eyes went wide as she looked back at the road. “LEFT!” she cried in a desperate tone.
Dan quickly pulled the steering wheel left. The van lurched again at the sudden shift in direction and the bat at Dan’s feet rolled around on the floor. A series of thuds and the sound of glass breaking was heard from the back as the contents of the back of the van shifted.
Dan frowned. “Glad I’m not back there… someone’s secondhand scorpion farm or collection of hot vapor firing beetles are probably loose now.”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “People donate some pretty scary things.”
Dan shrugged. “I’m sure someone out there could use a few beetles that shoot hot gasses out of their abdomens.”
Pinkie looked out into the road again. “Now right in a leftway fashion!” she cried.
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!” Dan cried as he spun the wheel the other direction.
“Just… hold it steady!” Pinkie cried. “BRAKE!”
Dan quickly removed his right foot from the accelerator and slammed hard on the brake. The van came to a sudden stop causing Dan to hit his forehead against the bottom of the dashboard and Pinkie to hit her forehead against the to of it. Pinkie’s hat fell off once more.
Dan held up the hat and rubbed his forehead. “There has to have been blind pirates who were better navigators than you!”
Pinkie quickly snatched her hat and glanced down and put an index finger up to her lips. “Shhh-shhh-shhhh-shhhhh!” She looked up through the driver’s side window and grinned a wide, toothy smile pensively, her body frozen in place.
“Why the heck are you just sitting there and grinning like the idiot you are?” Dan demanded quietly from the floor of the van.
Pinkie glanced down as she maintained her giant smile. “There’s no roller thingamajig,” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. “I don’t know how to roll down the window…”
Dan scowled up at Pinkie and lifted a hand. He then stabbed his index finger into a button on the side of the door and the window began to lower down.
“Ooooooooh!” Pinkie uttered as the window receded into the door. “The future is so fancy-shmancy!”
Dan glared up angrily. “I’M SORRY IF MY CAR WAS FROM A MORE CIVILIZED AGE WHERE MEN CONTROLLED THE CLIMATE OF THEIR VEHICLES USING THEIR VERY MUSCLES!”
Pinkie frantically waved her hands about and shushed Dan. “Shhh-shhhhhh-shhhh-shhhhh-shhhh-shhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Uh… is there a problem, ma’am?” Dan heard a familiar, masculine voice call out.
Pinkie’s eyes went wide with fear. “No I… Uh… It’s just… erm…” Pinkie grinned. “… Sometimes my pants yell at me and I have to tell them to be quiet!”
Pinkie glanced down and gave Dan a double thumbs up as he smacked a palm against his forehead.
“Uh… Sorry, ma’am, did you say something? I was distracted by your boo—I MEAN driving!”
“Oh, that!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Uh, yeah… It’s my first day…” she said sheepishly.
“Heh, first time driving the van, huh?”
Pinkie smiled. “You might say I never drove the van!”
Dan scowled up angrily from the floor.
“Uh… but you wouldn’t say that because that would be silly! I mean… it was clearly me and not someone operating the van from the floor driving it down the street!” Pinkie declared with a nervous giggle.
Dan held up his palms and glared up at the ceiling as he mouthed ‘Why!?’
“So uh… We good?” Pinkie asked tentatively.
“I WASN’T STARING AT YOUR CHEST!” the voice replied.
Pinkie stared out with a blank expression. “Erm… Okaaaaay…” she replied.
“Maybe I should just help you unload the back.”
“Oooo!” Pinkie cried. “That would be super-dee-duper helpful!” she glanced down at Dan and grinned.
Dan merely rolled his eyes.
“Let me just get the door for you,” the masculine voice said.
Dan grinned wickedly and quietly reached for the bat. He grasped it firmly in both his hands as the door quickly swung open.
-ooo-
The loud cries, cheers, and boos had finally ceased around the bakery as the crowd had already dispersed. The bakery parking lot was left empty for the most part, save the group of people standing around a red-and-yellow haired girl still dreaming away in the center of a fighting ring.
From the ground below, Sunset Shimmer begin to murmur in her sleep as a goofy grin spread across her face, “…Why of course I’ll be more than happy to step in for you and let you rub lotion all over my body, Mr. President!”
“Button, don’t listen!” Love Tap cried.
“Listen to what?” Button replied as he continued to stare at his game from his mother’s side.
“Good boy.”
“Wow,” Chris exclaimed. “She sure dreams big.”
Elise and Amber nodded in agreement.
Gibson walked up to the group, a giant grin on his face and a large wad of bills in his hand.
“Finished?” Love Tap asked.
Love Tap quickly snatched the wad of bills from her son. “This is going straight into the college fund, mister!” she said sternly.
Gibson’s eyes went wide as an unhappy frown immediately made its way on his face. “But mom…” he whined out.
“And the extra you stashed away in your pocket!” Love Tap added as she held out an open palm.
Gibson gave a heavy sigh and reached into his front pocket. He pulled out a smaller wad of bills and handed it to his mother. “But I need a new amp!” Gibson whined.
Love Tap nodded. “Hence why you work.” She began walking out of the parking lot, Button following close behind. “Come on now, its way past dinner time as it is.”
Gibson folded his arms and grumbled irritably to himself as he followed his family.
Amber chuckled to herself as she called out, “See you tomorrow, Gibson!”
“Yeah, yeah…” Gibson replied in an irritable tone as he raised a hand and waved without turning.
Sunset continued to mumble in her sleep, the same happy grin across her face, “…Come on Flash… Jacuzzi warmed Champagne feels sooooo good…” Sunset giggled. “… Oh don’t worry about a swimsuit, I’m not wearing one…”
Amber frowned. “Anyone mind if we take a few steps away from wrestler girl here? Her mumbling is kind of weirding me out…”
Chris and Elise nodded and the trio walked towards the edge of the ring.
“So, uh…” Chris began, “…what do we do about her?” Chris asked as he motioned behind him.
“I’m sure she’ll be fine here,” Elise replied.
Chris cocked an eyebrow. “You’re sure a scantily clad, unconscious girl will be fine left out in one of the roughest neighborhoods of the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area?”
Elise chuckled. "Alright, you got me. I should have said, 'I'm sure I don't care.'"
Chris frowned and turned to Amber. “Amber?” he asked.
Amber raised a hand to her chin. “I think I have moral qualms about leaving her out here to be scooped up by who-knows-what.”
Chris scrunched his brow. “‘You think’?”
“She’s suplexed me, dislocated both my shoulders, humiliated me, and knocked me out tonight!” Amber cried. “I’m allowed to at least humor the idea of leaving her out here!”
“Alright, fair enough,” Chris replied. “I also vote we not leave her out here.”
“Awww… dis!” Elise exclaimed in a disappointed tone.
Chris continued, “So that’s two votes for not leaving her out here.” He turned. “I guess we should…uh… where’d she go?”
Amber and Elise turned to see the center of the ring empty.
Amber’s expression turned concerned. “You don’t think some unsavory person walked into the ring and ran off with her while we were debating what to do with her, do you?”
Elise knitted her brow. “Not unless that unsavory person is really good at being quiet.”
“That’s uh… not all that comforting, really…” Chris said.
Elise shrugged and smiled. “Oh well! Problem solved.”
Amber shook her head. “Whatever. My head hurts, I’m going home. See you two later.”
Chris and Elise said their goodbyes.
“So,” Elise began as she leaned up against Chris, “I think it’s about time me and my big, strong, handsome baker husband went home.”
“Well, Dan called and said something about him and Pinkie liberating a couch.”
“Huh…” Elise replied. “Sounds illegal…” She shrugged. “And nothing I’m sure those two can’t handle on their own.” She looked up at Chris with a smile. “Now how about you and I stop at Ninja Dave’s for some late night cookies?”
Chris smiled. “I do love late night cookies… and cookies in general.”
-ooo-
“HA!” Dan cried as he lunged, quickly swinging the bat overhead and then down.
No sooner had he leapt out that he felt something obstruct the bat. Dan held on fast as he realized he was being held above the ground.
“Dan!” Pinkie cried out in concern.
The Salvation Armed Forces employee raised the bat as Dan continued to hold on. The muscular man vigorously shook the bat and Dan lost his grip, falling to the ground in front of the dark, open garage with an “Ooff.”
The muscular man tossed the bat aside as Pinkie quickly undid her seatbelt and leapt out of the van. She leaned next to Dan with a concerned expression on her face.
“Nice try,” the muscular man said. “I almost fell for your wife’s perfect disguise, but you didn’t ring the ‘everything’s okay' bell as you pulled up.”
Dan narrowed eyes as Pinkie helped him to his feet. “How is that a thing!?” he demanded angrily.
Pinkie knitted her brow. “Wait, we’re not married!” She turned to Dan. “Are we?”
Dan lifted an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Why would you even have to ask that?”
“WELL I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’S SOME CRAZY MARRIAGE RITUAL I MISSED DURING ALL THE TIME I’VE BEEN HERE!” Pinkie replied in a shrill tone.
“WHY WOULD YOU THINK THERE’S BEEN SOME SORT OF CRAZY MARRIAGE RITUAL THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!?” Dan shot back.
“MAYBE BECAUSE WE DO LOTS AND LOTS OF CRAZY THINGS TOGETHER THAT DEFY ANY RATIONAL EXPLANATION?!”
Dan paused and thought about this. “… Uh, alright. That’s fair.”
The muscular man furrowed his brow. “Are you sure you two aren’t married because…”
Dan leveled an angry index finger at him. “Don’t you start too!”
The Salvation Armed Forces employee narrowed his eyes. “So everything you said to me earlier was a lie!”
Dan and Pinkie shot each other confused glances then turned back to the muscular man.
“Uh… kinda, yeah…” Dan said in a confused tone to match his expression. “But I mean… we just put on a couple of costumes and tried to purchase a couch… I mean… that’s pretty minor as far as nefarious plans go.”
Pinkie nodded. “Especially by our standards!”
Unswayed by Dan and Pinkie’s words the muscular man continued to glare out angrily at them. “Don’t try to sugarcoat things! You lied to me and then you tried to do it again when you impersonated a member of our forces!” He began to tear up slightly. “I just… I just…” The man made a loud, phlegmy sniff. “Snifffghghg… HOW COULD YOU?!” he cried in an angry, sad tone.
Pinkie and Dan exchanged glances once again.
Dan raised an eyebrow at The Salvation Armed Forces employee. “Uh, look Sarge… Can I call you Sarge?”
“Well, it is my rank, so…”
Dan nodded. “So Sarge, I don’t normally care about most people’s stupid feelings, like… at all… But you seem really upset about this whole thing. Like we laid siege to a store to get this couch!”
“Uh, Dan?” Pinkie interjected. “We kinda did do that! Like… more than once today.”
“Well, sure!” Dan said as he held his hands up in a shrug. “But not any store he would care about!” Dan said as he motioned out to Sarge. “I’m just saying he’s being disproportionately upset about this whole thing!”
Pinkie nodded. “I know, right!” She looked at Sarge and motioned to Dan. “And if Dan thinks you’re being dispraporpoisely—”
“‘Disproportionately’,” Dan corrected as he rolled his eyes.
“That too,” Pinkie replied. She continued, “…upset about something, it must really be bad!”
“Forget it!” Sarge cried. “You two wouldn’t understand!” he cried as he slumped his shoulders.
Pinkie looked over Sarge’s sorry expression. She puffed out her lower lip and whimpered softly as she turned to Dan.
Dan sighed. “Uh, look Sarge we may not be married, per se, but we are cohabitating.”
“Oh, Golly Gee Willikers, are we cohabitating!” Pinkie added. “We even took a break after the last time we were here to cohabitate!”
Dan wrinkled his brow. “Pinkie that’s not what that… never mind…”
Sarge shook his head. “That’s not what’s wrong.”
“Well, what then?” Dan cried impatiently. “Are you still upset about the dog attack?!”
“Well, I admit you did get the better of me there, but I ended up getting my purple heart over that.” Sarge pointed a gold-lined purple heart-shaped medal on his uniform. “So it kind of worked out.”
“Then what?!” Dan demanded.
Sarge took a deep breath. “Because of you two, I now know that Mr. Moneybags isn’t real…”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Wait? You’re mad at us because you found out a mascot to a game isn’t a real person?!”
“Pinkie,” Dan piped up, “this is a serious discussion about a serious topic and I’ll thank you not belittle this poor man’s feelings.”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as she began to protest. “But he almost let us walk out with the couch last time anyway!” She turned to Sarge. “What was all that about?!”
Sarge looked up from Pinkie’s chest and shook his head. “Sorry, I missed that last part… What?”
Pinkie sighed, folded her arms over her chest, and rolled her eyes. “Nevermiiiiind…”
Sarge continued, “Sorry but… it was like… it would be like being told Santa Claus doesn’t exist!”
“Whoa!” Dan exclaimed. “Let’s not get crazy here!” Dan’s expression softened. “Sarge, I…” he began, trailing off slightly as he looked at Sarge with understanding emerald eyes. “I remember the first time I was told Mr. Moneybags doesn’t exist. Why, I was just a wee lad of twenty five…”
Sarge gasped. “So young! How did you cope?!”
A confused expression quickly marched across Pinkie’s face as she glanced back and forth between her boyfriend and the large man he was comforting.
“I came to an understanding,” Dan said. He walked over and put a sympathetic hand on Sarge’s shoulder. “Look, Sarge. Just because I wasn’t Mr. Moneybags or no one has seen Mr. Moneybags doesn’t mean he isn’t real!”
“But Commander said—”
Dan interrupted, “Sarge, your commander is wrong. She has been affected by the socialism of a socialist age.” Dan motioned out into open space with his free hand. “Yes, Sarge, there is a Mr. Moneybags!” He clenched his fist and pulled it close. “He exists as certainly as capitalism and entrepreneurship and conglomerations exist! Alas! How dreary would it be the world if there were no Mr. Moneybags! It would be as dreary as if there were no Sarges!” Dan said as he pointed at Sarge. “There would be no Two-hundred dollars when you pass go, no free parking, no hotels! Just a world composed of flat motels!”
“No…” Sarge whispered out as his face went pale.
Dan continued as began to speak in an increasingly dramatic tone as he turned to face Sarge fully and put his free hand on Sarge’s other shoulder, “No Mr. Moneybags! Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Sarge, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the hearts of money-loving property moguls!”
Sarge suddenly burst into tears and wrapped his arms around Dan, sobbing openly as he was overcome with emotion. “WhouaaaHuoaaaHuoa…Thank you…” he uttered. “I… I understand now…”
Dan teared up slightly as he returned the embrace. He patted Sarge’s large, muscular back. “There, there… let it all out…”
“So this is what it’s like when doves cry!” Sarge exclaimed.
“Can we take the couch now?” Pinkie asked. She motioned to herself. “Somehow I’m the one who’s weirded out about all this!”
Sarge let go of Dan. “Oh right… Uh… So I guess you guys planned to steal it and take it home in the van you also stole?”
“We were going to give the van back!” Dan insisted.
Pinkie nodded her head up and down.
“Fair enough, I suppose,” Sarge replied. “What about the soldier who was driving it?”
Dan frowned. “I uh… sort of lured him out of the van…”
Pinkie smiled. “And I knocked him out with chloroform!” she said in a chipper tone.
Sarge sighed and smacked a palm against his face. “Rookie mistake… Where is he now?”
“We let him nap in an alleyway down the road!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
Sarge rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well… if he’s mostly okay… I mean… I can’t just let you have the couch but I can let you buy it.”
Pinkie’s face let up. “Really?!”
“Awww… But I was in a stealing moooood!” Dan whined.
Sarge smiled. “I’ll even help you load the coach unto the van, drive it to wherever you need to be, and unload it. How’s that sound?”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “No dea—”
“DAN!” Pinkie interrupted. “Do you really want to carry a couch all the way up the apartment steps just the two of us?!”
Sarge flexed his muscles and smiled.
Dan paused. “…You absolutely have a deal!”
Sarge extended a hand. “Put it there, Mr. Moneybags.”
Dan grinned and also extended his hand.
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” a commanding, feminine voice called out.
Sarge retracted his hand and turned. “Commander!” he cried.
The auburn-haired Salvation Armed Forces employee emerged from the dark opening of the store’s garage and narrowed her eyes. “I ought to have you court-martialed!”
Sarge saluted. “Sorry sir! I was just…”
“Aiding enemies of The Salvation Armed Forces?” she suggested.
“Oh my gosh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We just really want a couch! We wouldn’t be enemies if you’d just let us buy it!”
The commander narrowed her eyes as she looked at Pinkie. She motioned out to Dan. “This man has already stolen from us and assaulted a soldier of The Salvation Armed Forces! The two of them just assaulted another soldier and commandeered a vehicle! I can’t just let that slide!”
“But we wouldn’t have knocked that guy out and borrowed the van if you let us buy the couch in the first place!” Pinkie shrilly cried.
“Yeah,” Dan said in agreement. “I mean, if you think about it, all that stuff is kind of your fault!”
“Oh yeah? What about the car you stole?” the commander shot back.
“Oh you mean my car that The Salvation Armed Forces stole from me originally?!” Dan said as he motioned to himself.
“And the vicious dog attack?” the commander asked.
Dan frowned. “I needed a distraction so I could get a new toaster.” He motioned out to Sarge. “Besides, he hit me with a bell a bunch of times.”
Sarge nodded. “I did certainly do that.”
The commander refocused her attention on her fellow employee. “Just whose side are you on anyhow?!” She motioned out to Dan and Pinkie. “These two have committed crimes against The Salvation Armed Forces!”
“Oh, come on!” Pinkie cried. “Can’t we just once have a resolution that doesn’t involve a violent showdown?!”
Sarge sighed. “I don’t suppose I can interest you two in surrender?”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Not a chance. We’ve come too far to leave empty living roomed!”
Sarge grimly reached down and pulled up his bell. “I’m afraid you leave me no choice,” he said as he rung his bell menacingly.
‘…Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding…’
Dan smiled wickedly. “Oh, yeah? Well suck wind!” Dan cried as he flicked out a golden ring adorned middle finger. A sky-blue gem set in the ring began to glow as a gust of wind shot out from Dan’s finger.
Sarge widened his stance and threw his arms in front of his face as he felt himself being pushed back. His hat was caught in the gust and blown off into the dark interior of the open garage and his clothing rippled from the heavy wind. Sarge crouched low and shifted his weight into the wind, standing firm despite the torrent of air.
Sarge’s much smaller commander was not so lucky. The wind quickly picked her up and sent her after the hat. She made a startled “Ahhhh!” before a loud ‘CRASH!’ resonated out accompanied by the ruckus of other items clattering to the ground.
Pinkie chuckled. “Hehehe… Finally remembered you had that magic ring from when you fought that fairy, huh?”
“Shut up!” Dan exclaimed. “I threw it in my sock drawer and kind of forgot about it! I don’t usually wear jewelry!”
Sarge opened parted his arms slightly to glare out at Dan. He began to slowly edge forward, laboriously fighting for each inch as wind gripped at him and his clothes.
“Uh, Dan?” Pinkie said in a concerned tone. “He’s still coming.”
“I’m pointing my finger as hard as I can at him!” Dan cried.
“Oooo! Oooo! Maybe I should fight him!” Pinkie suggested. “I have experience getting hit in the head with a bell… or hitting a bell with my head, but same idea…”
Dan grinned and retracted his finger, the wind subsided. “He’s all yours, Goofball. Take him out!”
Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air and let out a piercing battle cry. “Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!”
Sarge raised his arms in front of him as Pinkie rapidly approached. He clenched his bell tightly and then suddenly froze as his eyes focused on Pinkie’s exposed chest once more.
Pinkie let fly a series of blows into Sarge’s large body, letting loose with all manner of punches and kicks as she attempted to bring the large man down. After a whirlwind of attacks thrown with all her might, Pinkie stood back and took a series of labored breaths. She desperately tried to catch her breath as she looked over her large, muscular, and still standing opponent.
“Huff… puff… This is the part where you fall down!” Pinkie whined.
Sarge shook his head as if to clear it. “Sorry did you say something?"
The commander limped out of the darkness of the garage. “Focus, soldier!” she cried.
“Oh, right!” Sarge exclaimed. With a swift movement, Sarge brought his bell down upon Pinkie’s head. There was a resounding ringing as the bell connected with skull. Pinkie felt a heavy pain on her head as everything quickly went black and she fell to the floor.
“Pinkie!” Dan cried.
Pinkie didn’t respond as she laid in a heap.
Dan glared up at Sarge as if he was attempting to set fire to the large man with his eyes. “I will end you…”
Sarge frowned. “Sorry sir, but you two left me no choice…”
“All we wanted was a couch! We just wanted Couchy 2 to sit nice and couch-like in the space his twin had occupied…”
The commander’s ears perked up as a short whooshing sound was heard from inside the store. She disappeared back into the darkness of the garage.
Dan continued, “…But you just had to make a big deal out of it.”
“Just doing my duty, sir.”
“Yeah? Well you just clobbered my girlfriend in the head, so I’m pretty sure it’s my duty to take you out.”
Sarge raised his bell again. “You’re welcome to try, but you know I aced hand-to-hand combat at Salvation boot camp.”
Dan gritted his teeth. “I don’t care, I’m still going to bash your skull.” Dan lunged.
Dan was quick; Sarge was quicker. He instinctively raised his bell and began bringing it down towards Dan’s head. Knowing he would easily strike the much smaller man before Dan’s fist could—
‘CRACK!’
Sarge felt a heavy blow against his face, an impact that sent him reeling backwards and desperately trying to keep his balance as his head began swimming and desperately trying to process what happened. He quickly realized he had just been hit with a bat and that Dan was swinging his bat once again. Sarge took another solid hit to his abdomen.
“Oooff!” Sarge exclaimed. He took a step back as Dan readied the bat for another swing. As Dan swung with the bat, Sarge swung out with his bell, expertly parrying the bat.
“How’d you get the bat so quickly?!” Sarge cried. “It wasn’t anywhere near you!”
“Don’t know, and don’t care,” Dan replied. He gritted his teeth and began to speak through them, “All I want to do is smash your head in!”
Dan took another swing and Sarge blocked it with his bell once more. Sarge quickly reached up with his free hand and grabbed the bat firmly. He twisted the bat and wrestled it of Dan’s grip.
Despite the loss of his weapon, Dan quickly adapted and pulled back his fist.
Sarge raised his arm to block Dan’s blow. He saw a flash of red as Dan’s fist approached and felt a sharp pain in his arm as Dan’s fist connected. His arm flew back into his body from the blow and he suddenly found himself airborne.
The bat and Sarge’s bell fell out of his grip as he flew back into the garage. He felt something hit his back and stopped his fall hard before he fell to the ground, items clattering and crashing around him.
The commander emerged from the garage and looked at Dan in disbelief. “How did… How did you do that?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?!” Dan cried. “I punched really hard, okay?!”
The commander shook her head. “I guess it doesn’t matter… You two where one heck of a distraction.”
Dan raised an eyebrow. “What the heck are you talking about?”
The commander narrowed her eyes. “No need to play dumb, the couch is gone.”
“What?!” Dan cried. “How can the couch be…” Dan trailed off as he eyes stared off into space. His mind trying to catch up with what had transpired. “… back at our apartment…?” he finished. Dan frowned and reached a hand up to his head. “How… how did I know that…?” he muttered quietly to himself.
The commander scowled. “Why are you asking me? You where the one who had it stolen.”
“Look lady,” Dan began as he walked over to his bat and picked it up, “I don’t really know what’s going on, and what’s more, I don’t really care.” He advanced on the commander, bat in hand, dark scowl on his face.
“Wait!” The commander cried as her eyes went wide and she began to slowly back away. “You have what you came for!”
A wicked smile slowly spread across Dan’s face like a few drops of cream added to black coffee. “Sorry,” Dan said as he held the bat over his head, “but now it’s personal.”
“Uh…Sergeant?” the commander called out in a worried tone. She stopped as she felt the cold metal of the van’s grill stop her progress backwards.
“Oh, I doubt he can help you now,” Dan said grimly.
The commander closer her eyes and placed her arms up between her face and her attacker. She braced herself for the impact that was about to come.
‘Clank-clank-cladadadadadadad…’
The commander opened her eyes as she heard the sound of the bat hit the ground. She looked up to see that pink-nail-polished hands had made their way across her would-be attacker’s chest.
“It’s alright, now…” Pinkie whispered quietly as she placed her lips next to Dan’s ear. “It’s over…”
“But… but they…” Dan stammered out.
Pinkie shook her head. “I’m just a little dizzy, I’ll be fine… We got what we came for… uh… somehow…”
Dan furrowed his brow and pointed an accusing index finger at the commander. “Yeah, but she’s the whole reason you got…”
Pinkie rubbed her head against the back if Dan’s and gently shushed him. “Shhhhhh… It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go home…”
“Oh… alright…” Dan replied. He bent down and picked up his bat. He pointed it at the commander with it. “You got lucky,” he announced. With that, Dan and Pinkie began turned and walked down the street.
“Uhuhuhuhuh…”
The commander turned as she heard moaning from the garage. Sarge slowly shuffled into view, his right arm dangling limply by his side, his uniform torn in places as blood slowly trickled out from cuts on his body. She scowled up at him. “You just got thrashed by a man roughly a third your size!”
“Sorry, sir,” Sarge replied. “He… uh… apparently has magical powers.”
The commander sighed as she walked up to the cab of the truck and fetched the keys. “I guess we’ll have to figure out how to report all this… I’m not sure how ‘attacker was maybe magic or a supervillain’ is going to sound.” The commander raised an eyebrow. “You think you can still help me clean up with a busted wing, Sergeant?”
“Sir, yes sir!” Sarge replied. “Forgive me for not saluting, sir.”
“Alright,” the commander said as she walked towards the back of the van, keys in hand. She unlocked a padlock from the van doors and began to open. “Let’s see what we have back—”
Without warning, several streams of steaming liquid suddenly shot out of the van, striking the commander.
‘keeshkeeskeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeesh!’
“AAAAAAH!” the commander cried, as she threw her hands up to protect herself. “IT BURNS!”
Sarge sighed. “Looks like another bombardier beetle farm got smashed up in transport…”
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So Dan is finally starting to use his reality altering powers. I fear for all existance.
Also, did Amber get snatched by Were-Dan*?
4434018 Amber never got taken.
Do you mean Sunset? Because if so, it is very likely Dan* or any of the real Dan's recurring enemies have taken her.
4434070 Yes i meant Sunset Shimmer and that could have been Terrifi-man or whatever his name is now. I guess since Dan has a bunch of friends it would make sense that the universe would gather all of his enemies to make him misserable.
Also, nice Valvatorez pic.
That's one badass way to flip the bird.
Dan's hold on the powers of the Nexus is growing I see.
love the reference to Virgina, awesome story
Nice chapter!
An excellent reference to The Artist Formerly known as Prince.
Nice chapter somehow the couch is gone and why do I get the feeling there was a ninja or other friends involved?
damnit wally were did you take Sunset?
Other than that keep it up
I am pleased by this chapter. Yesssss... It sustains ussss....
Dan is now having the same power as pinkie 8D
4435159 ooh, gonna have to try that one sometime...
Is it flammable by any chance? Having a fire that kills their senses first would be wonderful.
Did Elise and Ninja Dave just hijack the Tardis or something?
I havent seen the all secure bell or other hand motion in ages, forgot about it.
Something about raise the left hand, all clear, raise the right, let fly hell.
Ohdear, the Commander got hit by massed bombadier beetle attack? Looks like she might be the target of attempted, <sunglasses> ass ass ination.
FINALLY CAUGHT UP!!! I've been trying to read this, The Fault in our Stars, The Lightning Theif, and write my own story at the same time. I thought it would take me longer, but it didn't!
*victory dance*
4434078 My thoughts exactly; I fear we won't know until the epilogue of this chapter, but that isn't far off.
is it weird that I mourn the loss of the pun inherent monopoly's title? You, know, the literal meaning that a person or group has control of a side of the board or a financial market. That. I feel bereft of the wordplay, at the whims of multiversal variance.
Now that has got to violate some laws on exotic pet ownership.
Poor Susnset... Bitch she might be, but she did not deserve a murder-rape.
I wonder?
...And Dan is omnipotent.
We're Screwed.
4438193
One thing that always struck me about Elise is just how morally bankrupt she is. It's sort of a weird similarity between her and Dan that's easy to miss with Dan constantly being angry and on the rampage: Elise is often times just as willing to resort to (sometime deadly) violence if it suits her purposes. Even her relationship with Chris will often parallel how well Dan treats him.
Champaign
The drink, made in the french province of Champagne. It's a weird word, but one of those where the general use fell out for the specific one... then again 'bubbly bitter-sweet alcoholic juice beverage' doesn't exactly sound high class. (Of course, considering the rest of Dan's world.. it might be Champ-pain, the best pain in the world)
time we where here to
were
stop his fall
stopped
Looks pretty clean this time. I blame my delayed post on Civilization. 'Quick game' mode, yeah right.
I am.. happy Sarge and Dan are on... better terms. Would almost be interesting to see how they interact 'off the clock' as it were. Ah, shades of Ralph and Sam, sheepdog and coyote.
Oh dear. A slowly growing army of 'freed' antagonists? As if one weren't bad enough.
it was this or a red lantern reference.
MOAR!
4435427 ...
Genius.
I continue to like this Sunset more and more.
That whole discussion on Mr. Moneybags was touching.
Don't care if it's not a reference to Prince and the Revolution's "When Doves Cry" but nice. If it is- coolio.
4438650
Go these, thanks!
I love that song!
Y'know, I don't think Dan was the only one who forgot about the ring. Although it's nice to see him channelling magic again. Hopefully it's a sign of things to come
Reading this has made me go back and rewatch Dan vs.
In my rewatchings, I noticed one "I'll come back for Dan! I swear it!" that has not yet been addressed in this fic yet. The Boss. IE: the demon temp work boss. Dan and Pinkie vs the thralls of Hell? As a side note, I'd like to point out that the boss's stage one demon form looks fairly similar to the evil powered Sunset Shimmer succubus. You now... just things I noticed. nudge nudge wink wink.
4442969
Eh, it's all good. If my chapters have technical errors I like knowing so I can go back and fix them. Sadly my old ones have so many errors that it's taking a while to get to all the corrections.
So his powers manifest whenever Pinkie is injured by someone or in immediate danger...now I can't wait to see how else you use this!
I finally read all of the chapters that were written when I started reading this. Now I just need to read the chapters that have been written since then, the chapters that will be written while I'm doing that, etc.
I can never finish this. It's like Achilles trying to catch up with the tortoise.
Hmm... A powerful wind-generating artifact? Well, I may have to pay these two a visit and get a scan of it. Could be useful... Plus, no one uses air powers without my permission! But I'll let this one slide. Carry on!
Oh, yeah? Well suck wind!” Dan cried as he flicked out a golden ring adorned middle finger.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the magical fairy ring.
Pinkie to hit her forehead against the to of it
You two where one heck of a distraction
You where the one who had it stolen
The commander closer her eyes
Pinkie rubbed her head against the back if Dan’s and gently shushed him
1. Top.
2. Were.
3. Were.
4. Closed.
5. Of.
The only thing I've taken from this ordeal is that you don't hurt Pinkie unless you want Dan to, and I quote, "punch really hard", end quote, at your face.
Never have I wished so much to be President.
Button's that one kid who picks Chun Li because of her fighting style instead of her thighs.
"Heck, I'm setting up a camera just to see if anything juicy happens!"
Have sex with a reality warper, BECOME a reality warper. PINKIE PIE IS AN STD!
4837497 His rampage in the Nexus has apparently formed him into some sort of nascent demigod. That wetness you are feeling is your body instinctively soiling itself at the implications of that last sentence.
And thus this Chekov's superpower makes a reappearance. Nice use the ring as well, I enjoyed this chapter quite alot :)
#thanksalotobama
Mr. Moneybags will live through the ages!
Poor Sunny, what's the bet 'more evil' Dan* had a hand in this?
Krillin quote nice.