• Published 11th Sep 2013
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The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga - Justice3442



Pinkie Pie finds herself adjusting to a new, hostile world, with a new hostile friend. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

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Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Grief

The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt
Dan & Pinkie Vs. Grief

-ooooooo-

NEWS:

First: if you've missed the last several blog posts and don't pay close attention to the front page, you may have missed that I'm writing a slice of life supplemental story to this one called 'Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life'. Current arc is dealing with the very early days of Dan and Pinkie living together.

Second: Ysengrimmus has begun dramatic readings of The Wheel and the Butterfly.

You can listen to his deep, soothing tones here.

Third: I'd like to say 'thank you' to all all my loyal readers and hello to all the new ones (some of you have caught up in an incredibly short amount of time). The last few days have been nothing short of amazing with the amount of attention this story has gotten, and it really warms my heart that so many of you enjoy and even go so far as to proof read my work and produce wonderful things based on my writing.

On that note, time to keep this big ol' mayhem train rollin'!

-ooooooo-

“… Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great a couch, no, not in Los Angeles,” Dan proclaimed as he held an open Bible in his hands. “And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of couch heaven. Amen”

The hot, Southern California sun beat down on Dan as he closed his Bible. Sunlight glistened from a pristine body of water as a small boat, heaped high with the broken and trashed pieces of Dan’s blue couch, sat on the concrete shore.

Pinkie stood next to Dan, dressed in one of his ‘JERK’ shirts as she sobbed openly and as she dabbed at a fountain of tears with a handkerchief. “…WHOUAAAHAAAAHAAAA…!

Elise stood next to her and did her best to continue standing as a hysterical fit of laughter erupted from her. “...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Chris furrowed his brow at Dan. “That’s not in the Bible!”

“I’m paraphrasing, okay!” Dan shot back in irritation. “There's like one good verse about a couch in here, and I already used it!”

WHOUAAAAHOUAAA… COUCHY WAS SO YOUNG!” Pinkie wailed.

Dan pulled a corner of his lips to the side. “Actually, I stole that couch from my Grandma… it was probably a good 20 years older than anyone here.”

“… WHOUAAA… Oh…” Pinkie replied as she immediately turned off her fountain of tears. “Well… still sad!” she declared.

“Hey, I remember that day!” Chris said. “Your grandma was pretty ticked!” Chris frowned. “I never knew I could run so fast backwards while holding up an end of a couch…”

Dan shrugged. “It’s funny what you can accomplish when an old woman is chasing you down with a butcher’s cleaver.”

“…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Pinkie sighed and shook her head. “Poor Elise, she’s so distraught that she’s overcome with sorrow laughter.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I bet.”

AHAHAHAHEhehehehe… I’m sorry…hehehe… It’s just… just hehehehepfffft… WE’RE HOLDING A FUNERAL FOR A COUCH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!” Her laughter finally getting the better of her, Elise collapsed to the ground as she clutched her sides and continued her vocal mirthful torrent.

Pinkie bent down and lightly patted Elise’s back. “There, there, Elise. Couchy will be in a better place, soon.”

“Yep,” Dan said with a nod. “We best send him on his way…” Dan turned to Pinkie, then to Chris “Pallbearers?”

Pinkie nodded solemnly as she and Chris leaned down and pushed the boat out into the water.

“You know,” Chris began, “I don’t think we’re pallbearers just because we’re pushing the boat into the water...”

Dan glared at Chris. “Well I don’t know the word for funeral boat pushers, okay?!

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “You could have just called us ‘boat pushers’.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Right, because that has such an official-sounding ring to it.” He narrowed his eyes and leveled an index finger at Chris. “You are just sucking the fun right out of this funeral!”

Pinkie nodded. “And without that it’s just an ‘eral’!”

Elise paused as she processed Pinkie’s statement. “… PFFFFFFFFTTTT... AHAHAHAHAHAH…”

Chris scrunched his lips and forehead. “I don… erm… I don’t…”

Dan chuckled. “Hehehe… I got it!”

Pinkie pulled her lips open and smiled wide.

Chris just shook his head. “Shouldn’t you take care of that boat? It’s getting pretty far—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan said dismissively as he bent down, sat down his worn Bible on the ground, and picked up an ancient-looking wooden bow and an arrow wrapped in a drenched cloth.

Chris glanced at the bow. “I can’t believe you still have that thing.”

Dan turned and glared at Chris. “Well it’s not like you can just walk into any ol’ department store and buy a bow!”

Chris rolled his eyes. “No, they have to have a sporting goods section for that to happen.”

Dan flapped a set of fingers up and down in to mime his hand talking. “Maanahamaanaha…Sporting goods,” he said in a mocking, dopey voice. Dan turned and stared out into the water. He pulled back the bowstring and took aim. “Light me, Goofball.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she reached into Dan’s back pocket, pulled out a golden zippo lighter with an eagle etched to it, and flicked the lighter wheel a couple times to get flame. She brought the lighter up to the soaked rag and with a ‘Wooosh!’ fire suddenly engulfed the tip of the arrow.

Dan let the arrow fly in a neat arc over the water. The arrow hit dead center in the boat and it plus the broken couch pieces inside immediately caught flame. The fire shot high into the bright sky as its reflection flickered across the water and the surrounding cement walls glowed with a warm shade of orange.

Dan lowered the bow and looked out solemnly at the burning boat. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

Pinkie whimpered quietly. “Goodbye, Couchy…”

“…AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “How is it you can hit anything with a bow and arrow, but you can’t aim with a paintball gun well enough to save your life?”

Dan shrugged. “Affinity for medieval weapons, I guess…” Dan glanced at the sky briefly. “Or ancient Native American weapons, in this case...”

The group paused as sirens began to blare and red and blue lights began to flash from over the concrete walls.

“Oooo!” Pinkie uttered. “The police are here! They must want to give Couchy a twenty-one gun salute salute!”

Chris frowned. “Is it illegal to push a boat full of a broken couch out into a canal and set it on fire?”

“AHAHAHAHAhehehe…” Elise regained her senses and stood to her feet. “Oh, it is crazy illegal to do that!”

Dan bent down and picked up his Bible. “We should run,” he said calmly.

Chris nodded. “Yes, running is good!”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried as she clapped her hands together. “Another fun jog with the police!”

-ooooooo-

Chris held an arm across his chest as he used the other to hold himself up, leaning the hand on his blue sedan. He tried to catch his breath as he spoke, “So… huff… puff—” Chris swallowed “—what are you two going to do now?”

“Us… huff… two?!” Dan cried as he sat on the ground and leaned against the car’s tire. “WEpuff… collectively, as in all of ushuff… puff… are going to go pick up a new-old couch to replace the one we just had to send to the next world!”

Elise stood next to the men and put a hand on her hip. “Dan, we both have lives besides helping you. For instance we both have jobs we need to bet back to.”

“Chris’s job IS helping me! In practically every sense of the phrase!” Dan shot back.

Elise paused. “... Alright, you kind of got me there.”

“Woot! Score one for Dan!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically as she threw her hands in the air.

Dan glowered up at Elise and Pinkie. “Also, why aren’t you two winded?! My legs still feel they’ve been dipped in acid!”

Elise and Pinkie exchanged blank looks and shrugged.

Elise spoke up, “Honestly, after years of running and hiding from armies across the world, evading the LAPD simply isn’t that big of a deal.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “And we run away from the police, like, all the time! I’m kinda surprised it takes so much out of you two.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Well excuuuuse me for not being a secret spy or having some crazy, endless supply of energy!”

Pinkie fluttered her eyelids. “You don’t complain about that when we’re behind closed blinds and locked doors.”

Dan’s face flushed slightly. “I erm… uh… shut up!” he replied.

Chris stood up and stretched his back, placing his hands on it as he did. “I think I’m okay with running from things being rare enough that I get out of breath doing it.”

Dan stood up and folded his arms. “You say that now, but you’re going to regret it when a cybernetic tiger chases you down.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “They’re the number one killers of cybernetic sambar deer!” she informed as she held an index finger up.

Chris sighed and shook his head. “The saddest part about that statement is with the state of my life, I could be chased down by a cybernetic tiger!”

Elise threw her hands up in the air. “I’M SORRY! CONTAINMENT BREACHES HAPPEN, OKAY?!”

Everyone went silent and stared at Elise.

“… Darling, what are you talking about?” Chris asked.

Uh… Let’s stop at Dairy Queen before I drop you off at work!” Elise said with a grin.

Chris’s face lit up. “You’re the best, beautiful.”

Elise chuckled. “I know.”

No way!” Dan cried. “I need my grunt to help lift and transport my future new-old couch!”

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Okay first, D.H. is on the shift and you know how much trouble she can get into if there isn’t anyone to keep her in line.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why do you think I hired Amber on?!” Dan smiled. “Once the daily grind of working at the bakery wears her stupid new-age approach to dealing with everything down to dust, she’ll keep the troops in line.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “Alright, and in the meantime?”

Dan’s smile widened as he folded his arms. “I say let the daily grind work its magic.”

Pinkie grinned. “Because a soul crushing food service job is magic!

-ooo-

From behind the counter of the bakery Amber gritted her teeth as she stared out into the dining room area with wide, concerned eyes. “D.H., watch where you’re—”

AAAAH! WATCH OUT!

Amber sighed as the increasingly familiar sound of D.H. falling to the ground with a ‘Thud!’ was accompanied by the soft ‘Splat!’s of a number of cupcakes hitting the ground, tables, and customers. “…going…” she finished as she shook her head. She scanned the dining room area and barked out, “Gibson!

What?!” a masculine voice called back.

Stop flirting with the customers and run cupcakes out!”

An olive-skinned teenaged boy with short black hair, wearing jeans and a black Blink-182 shirt adorned with a twisted looking smiley face walked up to the register. “I’m not ‘flirting’!” he protested. “I’m drumming up sales!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Well go ‘drum up sales’ while you carry cupcakes and muffins out! Thanks to Dan running off with Chris, we’re a man down and the kitchen can’t keep up with all these free cupcakes!”

Excuse me?” a woman with fiery red and yellow hair glowered out. She picked a couple cupcakes off of her black, leather jacket, another of her magenta shirt with a sun on the chest, and one more off her orange skirt.

Amber motioned to the woman. “See! That’s two dozen free cupcakes.”

“Oh, I don’t want more cupcakes!” the woman said darkly.

Gibson quickly looked the woman down and back up again and put on his most charming smile. “Are you sure? Because I know a nice, quiet—”

GIBSON!” Amber snapped. “Cupcake platter, NOW!

“Alright, going!” Gibson replied as he walked back behind the counter.

Amber turned back to the woman. “Sorry about that… would a refund be alright?”

The woman narrowed her eyes. “Oh, I don’t want money!

“Huh? Then wha—”

“I want vengeance!” The woman said darkly.

Amber frowned. “You want to throw cupcakes at our employee? I mean… she does a pretty good job of getting them on herse—”

The woman shook her head. “It’s not her I have a grudge against.”

Amber sighed and turned towards the back of the bakery. “Wally! There’s a woman out here who has a vengeance grudge! What do I do?”

Have you tried offering her cupcakes?” Wally answered back.

“Yeah, she didn’t want any!”

“Well… she’ll just have to come back later! Dan isn’t here!”

Amber turned back to the woman and motioned out towards the back of the bakery. “There you go, Dan isn’t here.”

Actually, it’s that psychotic, pink-haired girlfriend of his I’m after,” the woman informed.

Amber rolled her eyes. “Now why doesn’t that surprise me?” She sighed before she continued, “She’s not here either.”

The woman’s frown began to pull up into a dark, devilish grin. “That’s okay, I can just leave a message.”

Amber threw her hands up in the air as she furrowed her brow. “Look! I’m not voicemail for those two crazies! If you want to contact—”

The woman suddenly leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Amber’s abdomen.

“HEY!” Amber cried. “What are you doi—?

The woman’s grin went from devilish to crazed as her eyes widened. “Not that kind of a message, I’m afraid.” With that she leaned back as she held on tight to Amber. She pulled Amber up and over the counter as the woman arced her back until Amber hit the ground with a resounding ‘THUD!’

Gibson suddenly appeared from the back of the bakery. “Amber!” he cried in alarm. “What—OH MY GOD!

“Uhhhhhh…” Amber moaned out from the floor.

The woman dusted off her palms as she smiled down. “Tell pink girl that Sunset Shimmer is—HEY, WHOA!”

Amber quickly swept her legs into Sunset Shimmer’s large black and purple boots. Sunset fell sideways and hit her head on the bakery counter with a ‘Thump!’ before hitting the ground with a solid ‘Thud!

Gibson peered over the counter as Amber crawled her way on top of Sunset Shimmer. “Sweet!” he cried. “Cat fight!”

“Gibson!” Amber cried as she and Sunset began throwing fists at each other and grappling. “Don’t just stand there! DO SOMETHING!

“On it!” Gibson cried as he ran around the counter.

Sunset reached up, snagged Amber’s apron, and quickly used it as leverage to shift her onto the ground.

GHA!” Amber cried as she soon found herself back on the floor. Sunset climbed on top of her.

Sunset pulled back her fist. “Nice move, but you really should pay more attention!”

“WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME?!” Amber cried.

Sunset suddenly frowned. “If I can’t take you out, what hope do I have to defeat Pinkie?!”

This isn’t a—”

‘Pow!’

OW...! kung fu movie!” Amber cried she reached up and snatched Sunsets arms as the two women continued to struggle. “GIBSON! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DO SOMETHING!

“I am!” Gibson called back. “I’m taking bets!”

WHAT?!

Sorry, Amber! But I need a new amp!

-ooo-

“Alright, fine!” Chris exclaimed. “Second: why do you keep saying ‘new-old’ couch?”

“Because I’m going to pick it up from Great Will!” Dan replied.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “You’re buying a used couch?”

“Dan!” Chris replied. “You both have money even ignoring the magic wallet! Just buy a new-new couch!”

“Sure, and why don’t I just throw money away while I’m at it?!”

“YOU HAVE AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF IT!” Chris cried as he threw his hands up in the air. “You and Pinkie made yourselves hats out of money just for fun the other day!”

Pinkie piped up, “In our defense, that’s just so we had matching hats to go with the boat we constructed out of money that we were using to sail a sea we made out of money.”

Elise knitted her brow as she turned towards Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie? That doesn’t actually help your case at all…”

Pinkie frowned and put her hands on her hips. “Hey, if you two want to sail a boat made out of money in a money ocean without hats to go along with it, that’s your business!”

“That’s not what—” Elise sighed “—never mind.”

“Wait…” Chris uttered. “What did you do with the money ocean and boat when you were done with them?”

Dan shrugged. “We threw them away.”

Chris sighed, “Of course you did.”

“Look!” Dan cried. “The point is that couch had history and character! We can’t just go out and buy a rookie couch and expect it to perform up to the standards of the old couch!”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “I think you might be confusing furniture with people.”

Pinkie spoke up, “In Dan’s defense, they can be hard to tell apart at times.”

Chris glanced at Pinkie. “Riiiight…”

“The point is,” Dan continued, “that couch had all of our blood, sweat, and tears in it… literally.”

“Ew!” Elise exclaimed.

Chris nodded. “Well… there have been plenty of nights of one of us recovering on the couch after a vengeance run.”

Pinkie grinned. “Or me laying on it because I used to be too clumsy to make it downstairs without falling down them like a slinky!”

Dan, Chris, and Elise all winced.

“Yeah…” Dan uttered. “Those were the days alright…”

Pinkie smiled and nodded her head up and down. “And this couch will have other people’s blood sweat and tears in it!” She frowned and turned to Dan. “Let’s pick up a steam cleaner or something on the way home too.”

“Alright fine,” Chris said, “it’s your guys’ couch, but I still need to get back to the bakery!”

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined. “Pinkie and I need your help way more than the bakery does!”

A ringing noise suddenly cut Dan off. Chris reached into his pocket, pulled out his smartphone, and answered it. “Hey Wally...mmm-hmmm… Crazy kung fu wrestling match… People are taking bets… Mmm-hmmm… Need some more help in the kitchen…”

Dan narrowed his eyes as he waved his hands in front of him and mouthed ‘No’ over and over again to Chris.

“Yeah, sure… I think we’re about done here… See you soon!” Chris hit a button on his smartphone and terminated the call.

TRAITOR!” Dan declared as he talk a half-step towards Chris and leveled an angry index finger at him.

“Sorry Dan,” Chris offered, “but they’re being killed over there.” Chris paused, “…Possibly one of them literally…”

“Let them die! Couches are heavy!” Dan whined.

“Cheer up!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I’m sure we can figure some way to get the couch home between the two of us.”

Dan pondered this. “Well… I guess we know a few other people who could help…”

Elise spoke up, “They all have jobs, too.”

DANGIT!” Dan exclaimed. “Chris go back to being an unemployed loser!”

Chris frowned. “You want me to quit my job at the bakery?”

Dan thought about this. “Uh… Well… I guess you’re more useful to me employed at the bakery than unemployed… Fine! But for the record you’re dead to me until further notice!”

Chris grinned. “Guess I’ll just have to help you move the couch in spirit, then.”

Elise and Pinkie giggled to themselves as Dan flashed Chris an angry glare. “Oh yeahWell… your face looks like a monkey’s!”

Chris just smiled as he and Elise opened the doors to the blue sedan. “Love you too, buddy. Let me know how the couch hunt goes. See you soon!”

Pinkie smiled cheerful and waved. “Bye-bye Chris! Bye-bye Elise!”

Chris and Elise said their goodbyes to Pinkie before the blue sedan sped down palm tree lined road.

Dan grumbled irritably to himself as he watched the car go.

Pinkie placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. “Cheer up, Dan! This way it can be like a couple’s activity!”

Dan sighed and shook his head as he spoke to Pinkie, “A boring couple’s activity!” He began walking towards his red hatchback; Pinkie followed. “This is how romance dies, Goofball. One day you’re picking out a new-old couch together and the next you come home just to”—Dan rolled his eyes and air quoted—“‘talk about your day’ and watch stupid medical drama shows before going to bed.”

Pinkie giggled as she and Dan both entered the car and buckled their seat-belts. “Don’t worry! I’m sure we can spice up the evening somehow.” Pinkie grinned, “Maybe we can spot a few Car2Go cars to vandalize.”

Dan smiled as he started the car and smiled. “I do like vandalizing ridiculously tiny cars.”

Pinkie smiled warmly. “I thought that would make you feel better!”

Dan chuckled. “Alright, fine. Let’s get what I’m sure will be an uneventful trip to Great Will over with and we can move on to more interesting things…”

The red hatchback sped off down the California street onto what was sure to be a quiet, slice-of-life chapter of a sweet couple purchasing a couch.

Oh, who am I kidding? Things are going to go sideways faster than a video game movie adaption by Uwe Boll.

Author's Note:

Thanks to Sebazu for the idea to make Gibson an employee of the bakery and Ryouga1100 for some of the arc idea here.

Also thanks to The Letter J for helping me touch up some things on the Bible passage part.

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