may i ask....MOAR?! nice job though! KEEP IT ON UP!!!!

hmmmm... yes more

I like it so far.

I haven't spotted any obvious grammatical/spelling mistakes but since English isn't my native language it's hardly surprising.

And in the immortal word put forth by anyone impatient (for stories and the likes) on the internet:

MOAR!!!  

>>333099333099

It's good to see people are enjoying this already, considering I failed Literature.

And don't worry, I've got plans for this story miles down the line, so there will be lots of MOAR to come!

Before you even think about a relationship let him meet the other 5 and see who is the best choice then..

Like Fluttershy *wink wink*

>>337918337918

I will, don't worry. Twilight's still in Canterlot at the moment, so it's going to be later.

Also, if I do a relationship, I've already decided who it's probably going to be...

>>338225338225

Do a background pony relationship instead of a mane 6.

nopony will see it coming.

Hmm, lemme just click this track box. Might as well click the little green thumb while I'm at it.

Relationship? Oh hell no. (Keep it friendly)

Thatd ruin the story. FAST. Seriously. Steer clear of it. Best way to drive off a majority of readers trying to read a HiE story

>>344558344558

It's still a maybe. And if it is, I'm not planning on making it a clopfic. I don't think I could bring myself to do that

Oh fuck! SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!

Lockbox. I don't understand how you were able to fail literature.  JUST LOOK AT THIS STORY. ALL OF MY WANT.

Go at the pace you feel necessary, but please, please continue! This story is too damn interesting to fade away.

Tracked.

Faved.

Liked.

>>334409334409 You...

Failed lit? Oh, the irony.

Awesome story bro.

In soviet russia, light goes into you.

I demand MOAR!

OHH YOU

I am proud to be a tracker to suck a thankfull  writer!

everything went better than expected.

Another great chapter!

Now we only need to call him Ezio Auditore Forenze.

Assassin's Creed jokes aside, wonderful job! I'm glad I tracked this!

EDIT: And "My Second Life" isn't bad, either.  Though it is mature...

>>363575363575

about MSL... it is more than a bit rushed.

having a threesome with RD and AJ after three months is a bit unreal.

that was awesome.

>>365684365684 - yup! A VERY good story! MOAR!!!

MASS EFFECT 3. the kid in the forest nightmare right?

the bannered mare is the inn in whiterun (skyrim). brony points are mine!

>>374627374627

*sigh* Yes. I did get that idea from the dream, but I didn't want it to be a copy/paste

...please don't hate me

Niiiiiice story, MOAR!!!

I could never hate you

brohoof? /)

>>374752374752

/)*(\

So this is before season one.... it stands to reason that the summer sun celebration would be on the summer solace.... hm.... what month is that in ? I forget.

SKYRIM REFERENCE!

My thumbs

Take them all.

at the very end it sorta reminded me of fallout 3 when you're in vault 101 at you're 10th birthday party and you try to leave early.

Oh, good.  I knew that the 'Bannered Mare' was from Skyrim.  Geez, made me spit take.

Good chapter! MOAR!!!

This should be interesting... didnt expect the head of security thing....

Niiiiiice chapter!!! MOAR!

Thank the lord this wasn't an April Fool's joke.  I love where you are going with this!  You'll be incorporating Dutch into the story?  This is interesting.

All of my gusta.  All of it.

>>394319394319

Dutch will have a role in the canon story, but I'm going to be creating my own path, rather than sticking straight with the story. I feel that would get boring quickly.

>>394431394431

But of course.  If the story was unoriginal, there would be hardly any drive to read said story, eh?

Oh i didn't expect this at all, i didnt get that all the story so far was supposed to be before the first episode, not that i mined tho this was unexpected but relay good.

It will be interesting to see what you do form here, sens you will not let the plot progress as it did in the cartoon, what role durch will play will be fun to see, maybe this stamina and strength boast, (and possibly some more hidden powers, maybe even magic or magic resisters) will have something to do whit that,

and please have dutch getting into a fist/hoof fight whit NMM next chapter.

relay looking forward to next chapter, don't forget the Alternate Universe tag and keep the chapters coming

i just realized how much trouble hes gonna be in for f***** up with security.

Hmmm, this wasn't as vastly different from the original episode then I hoped.

It all seemed a little more rushed than anything and with there being "seven" Elements instead of the original six might put off a few readers. . . BUT, we can just call it an Alt. Universe and deal with it.

The wolf battle was slightly disappointing. I'm kind of an action nut when it comes stories, so I might be a little critical here, but I expected a more original choice for a monster rather than big wolves.  The whole Pony-verse seems to play off of Greek monsters, with a twist added to them, so you should play around on the internet  and check out some of those monsters for future battles. *If there are any*

Overall, I hope to see more of your work.

What poem were you refrencing?

I get a warm fuzzy feeling from reading this.  Also, nice touch with the Element of Bravery. Most stories I have read so far seem to have the human on the sidelines.  Well done!

Main character "Dutch" is a total gary stu. Things are going too well for him. His reactions with his surroundings are just too ideal. No grit. Just candied and unoriginal.... along with this "plot" having little to no significant conflict.

I'm going to push through 2 more chapters.....if no change or improvement presents itself (HOPEFULLY SOMETHING!), untracked and downrated

Sorry brony.

oh YEAH!

nice chapter, your alternative story work realy good so here have a few pinkies

the last paragraph goth my attentions tho, Dutch´s getting OP powers... man this is gone be interesting indeed, the question is what kind of OP powers will it be..

YES! SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE FROM AFFECTING AND EFFECTING

well that was a bit hypocritical of Celestia i think whit the minde reading, but its not like anyone can tell her to quite it

anyways okay chapter no complaint etc. hope you update sone again for you realy sparked my interest in what information she stole from him and are building.

..... Im guessing shes having him build a gun of some sort. Thats all i got.

Danger! Human weapons in Equestria

celestia + Human weapons =

Image: http://i.imgur.com/Lrecz.gif

........ I dont know why but for some reason i just had the idea of Dutch being promoted to head of Ponyville security. Then again, my mind is full of random crap. For example: pickled zebra fish lips.

I personally dont think that its enough gore for the mature rating. Its fine rated teen.

I agree. Its still pretty darn exciting though

I love it when stories divert from everything being peachy-clean like the show and act more "real."

You're doing a fine job. As long as you don't go into explicit detail,there should be no need for a gore or mature rating. Keep up the good work. However, I do hope no more guns get produced.

A little over done on the gun=bad thing, but I might be slightly biased as I have three guns in my closet not 10 feet away. Just spent all my reading time today catching up, and I must say good job.

Also,

-magazine

That made me happy to see you use the proper name.

FFFFUUUUUUU- DAMNED CLIFFHANGERS!

this is some great stuff coming in the story and Dutch going Rambo on some bastards hah! can't wait for the next chapter and keep up the good work!

oh and first i guess.

first for ones!

Great Chapter more please

REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>431678431678 A-hem I believe it is my good sir.

VENGENCE!!!!!!! Hell yeah, update soon. Want to see the action!

I really want to do a study on HiE fics, and count the number of times chapters end with the character conscious verses unconscious.  

>>435331435331

Being unconscious is one of the easiest ways to create cliffhangers, and lets face it; everyone likes cliffhangers

>>435362435362

Eh, I can't begrudge that. It's just that HiE fics are so guilty of over using this. One I read a couple of days ago had every chapter end up with the guy falling unconscious. I"m still reading though, just grumbling because there are other ways to do it

Ehhh, this is where I have to bow out. The story isn't bad it's just...aggressively mediocre. You use a lot of the standard HiE tropes without actually expanding upon them and don't delve into the bits that have the potential to really make use of the genre. Dutch is interesting enough but something always seemed weird to me about his interactions with the ponies. Also the being a hero every other chapter really started to get eye-roll inducing.

Anyway wish you luck with things.

First!

Wait... what is this? How did I get here?!

first non-author comment

and awesome chapter.

This is good.  Really good.

I enjoyed this chapter, but I'm now really wondering what a kid from the UK would have done at 15...

Yay! Backstory!

well that was a good bedtime story

Good as always, keep up the good work

Those 2 chapters were excellent! I honestly can't wait for MOAR!!!

SUPERB WORK!

Wow This Surprises me That Nobody Leaves  A comment seeing how old is this, well emotional intro what i can say ?

Still amuses me that nobody got the decency to leave a comment, well and thus he was thrown into the everfree forest

>>452373452373

I think the main reason nobody commented on those chapters was because I uploaded the first five in one bunch.

Hard to describe this chapter.   A pretty messed up situation for both parties is all  can say.

Poor Twilight.

Hey brew, (no pun) thats a dam gud chpter brew

This PLeases Us..... except cliffhangers ¬¬

Well Well This Pleases Us We Demand More

>>452332452332 well if it makes you feel any better i'm commenting and this is my first time reading, but i've been intrigued by this story for a while (i blame school and other fics, and i'm also a fan of HiE stories)

i thought me and one of my sisters were the only ones who listened to The Killers

Wonderfull!!!!!!!!

Oh man, so much happy face right now.

Dat movie reference

>>477770477770

I was betting someone would get it, and judging by kararnos' reaction, it had the right effect

>>478116478116 I was watching that movie earlier....................

Finally, a story set in my good old GB

I like the pacing so far, it's methodical

yay for wonderful movie reference

Yes THIS Pleases US

FUCKING BUBBLES!!!

Oh Derpy, you so awesome.

BUBBLES!

This is one of the better HiE fics I've read. Keep up the good work.

And Derpy, oh how I love you.