Sweetie Belle comes to grips with being a fillyfooler. She faces the challenges of being in school, worrying about what her classmates and friends will think. She has to deal with the bullying that follows, even from friends she never expected to turn on her. How far will it drive her to go and how will she deal with the troubles of a school age kid dealing with coming out?
Authors Note: I have not yet found a story in which one of the school age children of the show has to deal with problems like these but it is the school age when it is most difficult. I hope to use this as a tool to reach out to LGBT and LGBTQ teens who may have to deal with similar problems and to try my best to represent the difficulties of this situation to those who otherwise wouldn't understand.
Hope you keep it up! I have tons of personal experiences with this - yes, I am bi, and I'm eager to see what happens next
The story just kinda... starts. It's a really abrupt beginning. Maybe you could try a small intro with Sweetie Bell working up the courage to ask Rarity, idk. Other than that I dont see any major grammatical errors from a quick look over.
Khorosho for this
. My only gripe with the story is the use of present tense
, but that's a me thing. I'm impressed that you took this road with your coming out genre fic
, i.e. school setting and the potential for some really hurtful discrimination as well as testing the bounds of the Cutie Mark Crusader's friendship. There's really quite a bit to watch for in this,and I can just tell I'm going to have fun reading this story
. Also, haven't seen Sweetie Soon before. I'm intrigued further by this odd potential shipping pair
. Hope chapter two comes soon.
You've earned some pro-wrestling on me
as it went on it got more...intreging please write more
Nice! I've been wanting to see more fics tackle this subject! I did one, but mine was more focused on the inner struggle a "pony" faced with coming out. I will certainly have to read this later!
266201 There's a whole mess of things wrong with how this story is written, but that's not one of them.
The principle of "in late, out early" is a good one. That says that you should start every scene as close to the action as possible, and end the scene as soon after the action as possible. For example, if you have two characters who argue for an hour and then the argument turns into a full-on shouting match, then you should start that scene right before the shouting match, because your readers don't want to read the hour of argument, they want to read the shouting match.
A related technique is in medias res.
266201 There are a couple of reasons why I chose to start the story here. One was because I feel like starting In the prolouge would not have captured as many readers (yes I know I'm a view whore but what's the point in writing a story with a message if noone wants to read it?). I actually was planning to down the road to add a prologue so you're kind of a mind reader.
266241 Darn you caught my biggest flaw in writing... The dreaded art of pacing and timing.
266235 That was my goal with this story, like I said in the authors note there are almost no stories about kids coming out in school. Using MLP as a medium I hope to tell the story kids need the most in an accesible enviorment.
266215>>266208>>266166 Thank you guys I'm glad this story found you well.
Pretty good. Tracking
i like it, plz go on t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQURnVCXEvR0-i3uQBMyrGOXbEbtpB1hpPrsdkuWjqcW4WFF2LBa0Pnj0j4eQ
266282 Don't kid yourself, that's not your biggest flaw, heh.
I like the concept a lot, and there are solid passages in the story, but overall your technique is very weak, and poor execution will fell even the best concept. I went through and did a quick-and-dirty editorial pass to address the top layer of issues. It's here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m0bUlq2Tk3_RHWpQKuj8rzLr4KlXf6VMxL61Ons5cI8/edit
266241
Yes, I'm quite aware of that principle. However, I was pointing that out because this author wanted to "...use this [story] as a tool to reach out to LGBT..." and if they wanted the reader to make a connection to the struggle of comming out to someone then there should be an intro into the character's inner thoughts and emotions surrounding the event.
266647 Ah, fair enough. Still, one doesn't have to err on the side of preachiness to tell a story that addresses issues that people are facing. Writing an eye-catching, appealing story that addresses issues that people are facing is a much better way to get the story in front of the people who may benefit from it. At least, in my opinion.
266657
Also true.
Sweetie and... not-Scootaloo? I was all hyped up to get excited about this story. Curses.
267291 Sorry
I hope you still read the story though. I chose the characters I did because of how they fit into the school and what would be most effective to explain the story more than what would have been the most "Interesting".
TL;DR I picked the characters for the message not a shipfic.
267372
Ahh. I see.
I guess I'm just attached to Scootabelle. And SilverTiara.
266404 Thank you, I didn't put the first chapter through a pre-reader for personal reasons but the rest of the chapters will have (hopefully) multiple pre-readers go through it before it makes it on here.
In other words expect better quality control for the rest of these chapters.
266657>>266701
An argument on what I'm doing wrong the most how delightful.
While I support your message, your execution is flawed. Most of your errors are the standard beginning-writer problems with mechanics, pacing, and show-don't-tell; and the present tense is generally not recommended, as it calls attention to itself due to its rarity. Since you've already posted on /fic/, you probably know about the review services offered there—lots of people'd be happy to help you improve your story.
267993 Okay
I guess my editor wasn't good enough
Alright i hate you for making this so short!!!! i really really really really love these kind of stories with the CMC! leave me wanting more! I hate you!
Darn I have more views than one of the featured posts. But no one takes the time to thumb up and now I can't get featured
(The question is am I view whoring, or am I just trying to spread the message?)
Not a Great Fan of This kind of fics
But it's okay
Great work
I don't think I've seen, or at least read, any stories specifically about coming to terms with sexuality. I've seen fics with that element in them, but not as the driving plot. You've captured my interest, and so far you're holding it enough for a track.
I hope Apple Bloom can process this and cope with it. Not only would a cold shoulder hurt Sweetie Belle in the worst kind of way, but if proximity to her makes her leave the Cutie Mark Crusaders, she'll be so lost without her two best friends. I mean, yeah, she's still on good terms with Twist, but she found kindred spirits in Sweetie and Scootaloo, and not accepting Sweetie's news is going to crush them both in the long run.
Oh boy. Diving that deeply into character motivations and the consequences of their actions is one of my warning signs for obsession with a series. But my not giving a damn about caring that much (bit of a paradox there) seems a good enough signal.
271713 Ha, you think you might be starting to get obsessed, but I'm already there.
Tactical Chapter update incoming!!!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/044ee17aa59e65888dc26b96bed95f97/72051%20-%20Call_of_Duty%20modern_warfare%20tactical_rainboom.png
In other words I'm just about to send it to proof readers.
I like the message in this story, I think it's one that deserves attention. There is that element of showing not telling, and delving into emotions, but you are writing from a young perspective and the straight forwardness of the story works as well. 108echoes is right in that the present tense writing style is unusual, but it I personally think it works if you can pull it off (of course I'm biased, heheh). It really draws attention to the nervousness that Sweetie Bell has in the beginning.
This story is very bare bones, though I'm not sure if it would benefit from slowing down the pace or not. There is the continuity error that they're at recess at the end but Applebloom just ditches school? Though it could work if Applebloom was distressed enough that she felt the need to discuss this with Granny Smith/Applejack/Big Macintosh immediately. The way you end the chapter however, makes it seem like Applebloom ditches school to joke with her family about Sweetie's discovery. Anyways, I hope this continues to develop!
279929 Addressing your comment on the present tense, I chose to use it knowing that'd be difficult and that I'd make mistakes but I felt that the story NEEDS to be written in it. Due to the nature of the story I am willing to sacrifice the sanity of my proof readers for the better of the story. As to pacing, this chapter did move at a particular break neck speed, however this is because it was laying the ground for what is to come while also capturing the readers attention. The continuity error is rooted in word choice. 'To make light' of a situation must have confused some readers. Where I live it is not used as 'to joke about something to make it less serious', which is apparently how many interperated it. Where I live it means 'to understand' said situation so yes you actually got it spot on, Apple Bloom is heading to Sweet Apple Acres to ask Apple Jack and the family about this. I'm added a footnote to hopefully help avoid this confusion, as it is keyto the plot. I'd also like to thank you for this constructive criticism it helped a lot.
281062. I like the present tense choice. I think it works the way you write. And thanks for clearing that ending up! I've never heard that expression used like that before, but it all makes sense now! I'm happy that you found the critisicms helpful, a lot of authors shy away from that, and the way you handle it makes me want to comtinue following this story even more!
Hope the next chapter is ready soon! I also hope its a lil longer than this one :P I really love this story and want to see where it is going
282451 Trust me, it is very soon. Lengthwise though, I prefer to keep my chapters short although this one is going to be, I wanna say double this last chapters length.
I'm glad you're enjoying this but thats all I can say for now.
Sorry It's a bit late, I hope you guys like it and expect a third chapter (or maybe a prologue) very soon.
I really hope AJ's more open-minded than Big Mac and Granny. I'm happy Apple Bloom doesn't mind, but I think being FORCED to stay away from Sweetie Belle would be even worse than CHOOSING to stay away, since that damage is gonna take hold right away.
...and note that when I say "worse" in that context, I mean for the characters' happiness. If you're wanting to go the tearjerker route, that's a damn good way to go. The only reason I even use the word is because, ironically enough given what I'm reading and commenting on here, I'm more of an optimist with these stories.
289115 You got my biggest problem with the actually writing process of this story... I don't want anything bad to happen to my little ponies but... It's not always what's best for the characters.
>Apple Jack
That annoys the heck outta me.
I don't think that much really happened in the chapter to comment overmuch on. This sounds like a good set up for next chapter, but its effectiveness all depends on how it's payed off. I felt like there should have been more here before it was published; it doesn't provide enough on its own, I feel. Still, it's not bad, and I like where you're going with things. Worth keeping an eye on.
289154 Trust me more was intended to be added, however time restraints and a mental deadline of one chapter every week or so meant I got this out with what I did... Also sorry about the Apple Jack, to be honest it looked funny to me also but I was unsure for some reason
I'll fix it...
i had trouble reading this...mostley cus i REALLY dont see granny smith/bic mac as homophobs :P
289233 I actually find the apple family the easiest to picture as homophobes
. They do seem the most conservative in their ways, and have you seen when big mac get's angry? I'm sorry that you didn't like the fic though
I can see where he's coming from. Big Mac is probably one of the least likely characters to be a homophobe. He's logical and he cares about his sister. Kind and rational people, especially "simple" farm folk, don't really do the homophobia thing. I CAN see GS as a homophobe easily, or at least I can forgive it. Her character development in some S2 episodes puts some doubt on the idea, but I'll still buy it. Big Mac?
Eenope.
289467 What makes you think just because he's 'kind and rational' can't be a homophobe. In fact, making a character whom one would find steryotypically homophobic is not what I want. Anyone can be a homophobe. Also I hope this doesn't come off as argumentative I'm just trying to explain my thought process.
Because homophobia stems from certain character traits that are incompatible with Mac's character. That's why we have stereotypical homophobic characters.
oh my god,its like a conversation between oppposite clones e~e
lol jk,couldnt resist due to your two's icons
Beep.
289734 Ahh yes but, in reality, anyone can be a homophobe. Not every person who hated black people during the period of segragation was a grumpy old person, the same applys to homophobia. The thought that homophobia does in fact come from a particular character trait is, in itself, an example of naïvety. (I hope that didn't sound offensive.)
It wasn't offensive; it was stupid. Of course there was more than one type of homophobe. Similarly, there was more than one type of people who, for the most part, did not become homophobes. Saying that anyone can be a homophobe--when looking at it from the perspective of personalitiy--is something that's just plain ignorant of homophobia's source. It's a nice idea, but it's not true except for in circumstances of extreme manipulation--not personality. Some types of people are apt to become homophobes, and some are not, and Big Mac is one of those types of people who is not.
And it's not ONE trait. Traits. With an 's'
290734 I would oh so much like to contest that, but I don't want to argue. As the author I feel conflicted, I want to defend my viewpoint, however I do not want to dictate the readers thoughts. Big Mac is a homophobe in this story short and simple. I will stand by it, if you do not like the idea it is not my place to tell you so or to change how you feel of homophobia as a whole. I believe anyone can be a homophobe and they don't hve to have certain character traits and I speak from experience. This story deals with some controversial content due to the nature of this story. I knew this when I started and if I argue every point, this comment page will fill up fast.
Also sorry for any typos including prior, any time I reply to a comment I'm probably using my iPhone so mistakes happen.
Good chapter.. I guess that I'll have to go and write myself up a story ;)
P.S. Internet fight above move
And autocorrect sucks. Took ten mins to friggin make this comment
am i right in thinking what im thinking about apple bloom "hint hint"
2946711.bp.blogspot.com/_ds3PX_K4t-E/TJByB-a34GI/AAAAAAAAAcs/E-23KQLdzVw/s1600/Brain1.jpg
That'd depend on what you're thinking.
NO! Applejack why u so intolerant?!?
You posted the same chapter.