Somedays, I sit, looking at the stars. I muse and wonder. I meditate and reflect. And I find the miracle in a new day of life. Especially since I swallowed so much glass the day before.
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When an ancient and powerful magic is triggered despite all warnings, Twilight finds herself regretting ever going public about her relationship with Princess Celestia. As one by one, all her friends start to change in wonderous and mysterious ways, can she find a way to reverse the spell in time, and still remain friends with her kin and the Princess?
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sorry but i read it on the other site and hated the ending
Is this really complete? Doesn't seem like it.
Trolled.
266165
Oh yeah, it is, but I just threw in the first chapter for moderation. I'm adding the other chapters now. =)
That ending was..rather..uhm..disappointing. Very much so...
270121
Well, if you could elaborate? I don't actually usually write horror, so your input would be greatly appreciated. =)
What could have been done better?
270401
Hmm. I dunno. It seemed like things were actually gonna get fixed, and then..wham. Gummy. Somehow with teeth and somehow large enough to eat Twilight. And then there's Celestia who..sucks horribly at warning people. Hmm..
All right, this is awesome. I didn't like the ending very much, but you had the tragedy and dark tag, so it's so totally justified.
273592
Hm, I think I see. Well, my intention from the start was the proposition that this had happened many times in the past before (hence the list), and there was some underlying reason why Celestia couldn't outright say anything about it, as part of a 'hidden lore' that only is hinted about but doesn't make up for the core of the story. For me, it was just an experiment and practice for a halloweenish type horror story, so I had always intended for things to go sour in the end.
But your points definitely have merit, and I thank you for the feedback. Were you actually looking for a 'happy ending', out of curiousity?
275066 At first, not at all. But when Pinkie popped up I was starting to think "Holy crap, we're gonna make it out of this. Nice." And then, gummy. Which was pretty much a "You've got to be kidding me." moment. Though, props for using the poison joke. A smart way to get rid of Twilight's magic hax.
Anyway, I'm probably just raging because my favorite pony got nommed upon.
Holy crap that was insane
im loving this so far 
... NEXT CHAPTER
I enjoyed this so much except the pinkie chapter sorry to bust you my friend but I was seriously hoping for a love-crazy pinkie other than that your story was EPIC
318160
Love-Crazy Pinkie would probably explode my keyboard.
Well a little more explanation from Celestia on how everypony got so messed up would be good.
Huh.
Well, first of all, this wasn't a bad attempt at horror. It had most of the necessary components, but I couldn't bring myself to feel nervous, or afraid. Hell, I didn't even look over my shoulder while reading this. I think the problem there was that you left out so much vital detail. I know that some of the best horror stories leave things to your imagination, but in this case you didn't provide me with enough to base my imagination on. Yes, I got a general idea of each scenario, but I couldn't very well attach what I was imagining to your story because you didn't provide anough detail.
Second, you made one of the most basic mistakes in terms of horror. You established a pattern. The worst thing you can do in horror is to be predictable, because once you're predictable, your readers won't be concentrating on the story and being terrified, they'll be looking for that damnable pattern. After Rainbow Dash, it was all too easy to know what would happen each time Twilight met one of her friends: something would scare her, she'd run away, meet another friend, feel safe for a little bit, repeat. Applejack was a decent touch, but it was too easy to see what was going to happen to her immediately after her conversation with Twilight. In summary, you simply possessed a lack of subtlety in this story.
Third, the sixth and seventh chapters were utter nonsense. Out of the entire story, I was most disappointed by the ending, because there wasn't anything to send a trickle down my spine, and it seemed like a far too sudden shift. While Twilight's meeting with Pinkie followed the established formula, Twilight's demise was too sudden to cause any real impact, and lacked any detail to assist readers in understanding what happened. You just left us blank. As for Celestia and Spike: I was hoping for some sort of Bang! at the end, some little plot point to scare the hell out of readers. Instead, the ending fizzled out with the same sort of disappointment that Celestia must have felt.
To conclude, you were simply too obvious with this story. Most events followed a predictable formula that lost its appeal very quickly, and the lack of description prevented me from connecting with your fic on a base level. Spike's taking the balloon was easy to spot immediately after Twilight's arrival at her home, because you didn't provide the other characters with enough of a motive/opportunity to steal the balloon. The one thing I enjoyed most from this entire story was Pinkie's revelation of being straight, as that entire conversation got me to grin, which is probably the opposite of the effect an author desires after writing a horror fic.
Keep on writing~
395011
Hi! First of all, wow. Thanks so much for this really long and clear breakdown of the problems with the fic. Like every piece of feedback I get, I take note of all the areas which I can possibly improve, and please don't think that I'm trying to argue with you here.
I am merely defending my points.
First of all, I'm sorry that it failed to invoke an emotional reaction in you. But that's fine. =) Horror is pretty specific, and, without raising myself too high off a pedestal, I'd like to think of myself as targeting an audience who more focuses on the psychological nature of horror. And yes, you may not agree that I've done this well, but I do believe that horror is so 'broad' that people just look for different things. Some people prefer Hitchcock. Some people prefer Saw IV.
And I'm afraid I have to disagree with your point about a basic error of horror. My horror is not meant to shock, twist or turn things around. I set it up with the intent that people do know what is going to come, and that is what drives this type of horror. I intended people to know from the start, and I think it was quite clear, that everything went wrong, and there will definitely be no happy ending. The format I chose for this was the rinse and repeat because I wanted the driving force to simply be the scenes standing on their own merit. No need for hinting, no need for mystery. But I do agree that for certain other forms of horror, establishing a pattern is the last thing you want to do, and is something to be avoided. What I'm saying is that this is not that kind of horror.
This is something that most commentors here seem to dislike - the ending.
Your detail helps me point out exactly what people seem to dislike about it, so thank you. Perhaps I would draw it out in the future, but again, my intent was that by the time she enters the room, we all know that this is her last stand, and the only thing left is reading the draw-out between her time there and her demise. There is no bang, there is no shock. Why bother, when we all already know what's coming? Enjoy the ride, and the thrill, and that was my purpose.
As for closing on the note that it did with Celestia, simply, it entire spell was a MacGuffin. If I need to explain more than that, you'd probably not appreciate this kind of narrative.
I definitely agree with you that the last part could have used a touch more, but otherwise, the obivousness and everything else was a conscious choice of how the story should flow.
I know some people will like it that way, and some people won't, and it's fine either way. Thanks VERY much for your time.
And I'm glad the Pinkie scene made you grin! The goal of a writer is to invoke emotion - any emotion - through their writing. That scene was lighthearted, so at least it was successful, yes? =)
Once again, cheers for the help!
397374
Fox, defending your points means that you must be taking a position contrary to mine, and in your defense of those points you attempted to persuade me of the story and mechanics of horror as you understand them. I dunno about you, but that sounds a lot like arguing to me so you must be an evil troll who must be banished and trolled and totally reported because that's what you do with trolls that argue with whatever immature thing you happen to say so RAWR!
...
Dude, as the author of this story, you have every right to defend it, and I respect that. There's nothing wrong with arguing, especially when you argue in a calm and collected manner; don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. So, as for the arguing bit? Don't sweat it. :) I happen to enjoy a good discussion every now and then.
Also, I'd like to apologize. Normally, I try to balance my reviews with as much praise as criticism, but I didn't do anything of the sort in the review I left for this story. I was in... an abnormally cynical mood, and I'm sorry I took my lack of enthusiasm out on your story, and through it, you.
Now then, you're right in that you're catering to a specific audience; my second read-through shows me that. However, that specificity leaves a lot of us in the dark. God knows I have an extremely active imagination, but I typically need a sort of 'prompt' to jump start me. Your story just didn't have the right prompt, so I couldn't really connect. :P Another thing that you really need to keep in mind is that all forms of horror, at least in terms of entertainment, is psychological, as there is never any physical harm involved to cause a response based from biological stimuli. All entertainment horror is in the reader's head, nowhere else.
However, I do recognize what you were trying to say. Rather than focus on vivid descriptions of gore, rape, torture, etc etc, you focused more on the emotional and mental states of your characters; using the abnormal and deviant situations to invoke a response, rather than the use of empathetic physical fear-response. On that note, I will say I prefer this to that nonsense about Cupcakes, though not for response reasons; this simply invoked more thought than a mindless gore-fest (Hitchcock versus Saw IV, in essence).
Moving on to the second point, I am relatively flexible here, now that you've explained your reasoning. In my mind, I've always found chaotic and unpredictable situations to be some of the most terrifying, as there is some feeling of security in being able to predict the outcome of a situation. Thus, I have always found that stripping others, or oneself, of that ability to forecast results in an instinctive, base fear; not enough to be an empathetic response toward physical harm, or the possibility of harm, but something instinctive enough to arouse the underlying, more animalistic responses to situations.
As for your rinse and repeat method, I can recognize how allowing your readers to look ahead and see no happy ending can contribute toward the horror of the story, but I still feel it is quite a trade-off, because you allow your readers to retain their predictive sense. One thing I did like about that method was that you caused a moment of safety and relaxation with Pinkie after the predictive buildup (which I typically refer to as the "crutch moment"), and then removed the crutch with Gummy's marvelously sharp teeth, thus harvesting the pent-up emotions from the earlier parts of the piece. Simply put, you set readers' forecasting for a minor loop, even if it was fairly easy to recognize as a loop. I suppose I can understand the attraction of a double-edged blade.
The reason that many of us dislike the ending is simply because it feels like a let-down, like you ran out of ways to send ice down our backs and just trailed off. The first part of the story had some form of psychological horror, and at a relatively intensive level, making it worthy of the shivers it caused; the ending was almost devoid of any sort of response-invoking writing. There simply wasn't any psychological horror or stress-causing content; for all practical purposes (or in this case, lack thereof), you might as well have not included it, because it only served to tie up a few loose ends. While doing so is a classic way to end a story, it just doesn't seem to serve well after the duress of the earlier chapters. You may disagree, but that's how I feel about it as a reader. *shrugs*
Pinkie's scene... was oddly adorable. I think that it'd be interesting if you explored that sort of worldview (that is, the reversed roles of homosexuality and heterosexuality in terms of sexual deviancy) in another fic for the psychological and emotional value.
In secondary conclusion, this fic doesn't agree with me as well as it could, but it's still a good piece of writing. On the whole, however, this is nothing in comparison to These City Walls. /That/ is a fic that I can respect, and you'll definitely get a review on that at some point.
Thanks for writing, and for your time~
Short but I like it.
405542
Hey, wow, again, your time is really appreciated.
I'll sum up though, because there isn't much else to add on to my previous assertation, but I'd like to say that I DO actually agree with you that every sub-genre of horror does carry a specific psychological weight to it. That's 100% true.
And yes, I will agree with you that even for the best of feedback, I have learnt that there was something in the Pinkie scene that was simply lacking. Again, I put my hoof up to that. Being this was my first attempt at horror ever, you would excuse the mistakes. I intend to write a much more effective one later on, though!
For me, while I was thinking about how to end it, I simply felt that Pinkie represented 'The End'. The story technically ended the second Twilight went back home, and everything else was the slow walk to death. Essentially, that tiny burst of freedom and hope at the end (the entire Pinkie scene) was meant to just be overly-casual toward what was already happening, which I was hoping would create a sort of arrogance to the scene.
Sort of like, "Yes, you know what will happen, we're all getting there, but I'm going to take my time before it happens and do it whenver I want and however I want." This is what the scene was meant to portray, whether it was effective or not.
But no fear! We live and learn and continue on and improve. I loved reading about your ideas and points of view, and definitely will be considering a lot of what you said when I work on my next horror fic.
And hey! Walls. =) Glad you're reading it.
405543
And I like YOU.
405665
Both myself and Fiver approve. Kudos to you~
I think that you'll have a hard time out-doing TCW. It's definitely one of my better reads. :)
I'll elaborate once I review it.
This is one of my favorite pieces of dark MLP fanfiction, and rightfully so. It's very well written and the story is just a series of terrible events that Twilight has to go through. I feel that it did exactly what you wanted it to, that being make a terrifying tale that you can't stop reading, simply because you feel like it can't possible end so horribly. There are so many bad things happening that you figure there HAS to be a good resolution to the story, and that Twilight will eventually escape.
But no. No she doesn't.
5/5.
405711
High praise from a name as prominent as yours! Thanks for the kind words.
I feel like I just got slapped by a King - giddy and honoured.
This starts off brilliant, but the ending is fumbled, I feel.
Still, this is one of the most unique fics I've read. More than deserving of a favorite.
"And perhaps till this day, she is shrieking still." my mom screamed as soon as i got done reading that line X_X (she saw a spider)
983868
Haha! Jeez. That must have given you a shock
984232 yeah i was shocked quite a bit X_X...anyways even if twi was killed i quite liked this fanfic good job
986084
Thanks a lot, friend. That means a lot to me. =)
It's just a campfire story! It's no problem =D
986100 ima real sucker for grimdarks lol...and this was pretty awesome (to me at least) have you made ant more like this? (havent checked profile yet)
986107
I have one in the works which will be out eventually. It will be the same vein as this, just a terrifying nightmare of a story that will result in plenty of psychological and mental hardships on one or a few ponies... I shan't spoil.
Otherwise, I don't have anything as 'dark' as this per se, but I have some erotica fics I wrote which are half erotic and half messed up. The 'grimdark' in those is in how awful some of the concepts are. They're all stuffed up on my profile, in the 3rd box down the right called Horrotica, so feel free to browse. =)
And thanks for the support!
986110 err...ill take a look at the other fics i guess lol
np for the support (gave a like)
986124
Yeah, in the end I got a bunch. I can't really categorize them because... they're kind of mixed-category really. If you see anything that sounds interesting just give it a try. If you like it you do, if you don't you don't. No problem! But as for that grimdark like THIS one, keep watching and it'll be out eventually. It'll be called '6 Walk In'.
986135 ill be waiting for it... until then i am commonly searching through the "dark" and the "tragedy" sections of fanfics...
*sigh* another tale by you that I enjoyed my dark-story friend.
I must confess that while I enjoyed it for the most part I must go (sadly) with the majority and say the ending was a bit lacking mostly because for me it just came to a stop a tad too fast.
I loved every little story except for Rainbow's, mainly because it just didn't seem to compare that well to suicide, extreme masochism and creepy fucked up love dolls (that is what I will call that from now on) and while I did enjoy the nice little feeling of 'ah great not 'erpony is gonna follow the same thing' when Pinkie showed up the Gummy scenario seemed a bit rushed. It worked in a way but seemed waaaaaaay too sudden to make any true plot based sense.
As for Celestia's list, may I hazard a guess by saying that the idea there is that she is either,
A) Cursed to never love openly?
B) A crazy bitch who hates the idea of being in a public relationship so kills off those who confess to their love of her to anypony else using creepy voodoo shit?
Or is it just that for some reason the idea of somepony having relations with an Alicorn/Princess just makes the population of Equestria turn into skull-fucking maniacs?
What I did love the most was how you struck that fine key of restraint. Instead of making the story lashes and lashes of gore you only included what was really needed, don't get me wrong I don't mind gore in detail when it is really needed and/or delivered very well but sometimes it does just ruin the feel of the story; but you got it just right.
Lastly I loved that little comedy moment of switching the views on gay and straight as I saw it as a play on how many homosexual pairings there are because of the whole stallion to mare ratio being around 1:100 and that the only three or so stallions we know of have all been made gay by the fandom.
Overall I liked this tale very much as it was a new look on the traditional 'dark-shipping', I will now go and read another of your stories because I still have yet to read them all or found one that makes me fear for your sanity. Keep up the great work (have a picture of 60's Spider-Man as a reward for being so awesome and I presume sexy)
nextlol.com/images/19118-spiderman-to-mission-control.jpg
1117965
Hey, thanks for the feedback and sorry for the long delay in reply. I've been super busy with work lately. And will be for a while, unfortunately.
Yeah, I'm getting a lot of comments on the pinkie thing, well, I'll seek to change that up when I get around to doing the sequel! So thanks for chipping in with the consensus =)
As for Celestia, the point is that it's really up to personal interpretation, that's why it's so vague in the first place. It's purely for the purpose of the story and nothing more. I know people have problems with that as well, but if you've read other things I wrote you'd know I have this thing for macguffins. But when I wrote it, what I HAD in mind was that there was an ancient curse of some sort that CELESTIA is under; essentially she's the victim. She can't say anything because it's an unwritten rule of the curse, but she's too old and weary to try to stop it either. That's sort of what I had in mind, but it's really inconsequential.
And yes! I am sexy! As sexy as Spider-man flying around like an EAGGGLLLEEE~ =D
Well, thanks again, I'll be writing again soon as soong as my sched frees up.
Whoa, whoa. You wrote this?
Love . Sick has been my favorite ponyfic in its own undefinable genre for ages. I mean, it's not perfect; there are plenty of gorefics out there that can do a much more direct kind of squeamish terror, and I can name a couple others that are more thorough in their psychological elements. But you know what this one has? Atmosphere. This story absolutely nails the surreally horrifying nature of the events it describes. It feels like a nightmare brought to life, a perfect blend of absurd fear and practical considerations. Outside of film, I have never seen dreamlike horror so well-realized. And yes, Pinkie's confession had me in hysterics.
Here's to horror and us crazy bronies what write it. May we spread our work into the nightmares of the next generation.
1266029
Yes sir, I wrote this.
And from someone like you, that's a very big compliment. I can only hope to get the fame and recognition that you have some day!
Thanks for the comments, and yes, it's far from perfect, of course. Anyway, hopefully I can do a better job with the next one that I have slowly in the works as I write around my busy schedule. I've always prided myself in painting a nice picture! Well, as you said, to the future of horror.
Have some juice, on me.
I'm quite fond of the bones of this story. It's a fresh premise I haven't seen before (the particulars and the setting, not horror in general). I thought all the reactions from the Elements were suitable.
But the ending, with Celestia, bugged me. She wrote Twi (and Ponyville) off with hardly any reaction. I can't see her doing that as a Princess, let alone if she actually dated Twi. Even if she did know it was coming, even if she tried to warn Twi.
The last scene came off like she was going to go sit on the throne and have a regular day. She didn't seem *invested*. Which also brings up the notion that, if she did have some idea of how bad things would be, she might have wanted to give a stronger warning at the start, as well. Her first warning made it sound like maybe a mirror would break or someone would get gum in their hair.
I thought Pinkie was actually going to pull Twi through. Spinning Pinkie's "crazy" as sanity was a brilliant idea. I didn't see Gumm\y coming at all.
You nailed the setting and did a great job making each character crazy in a different way. That can be tough.
Overall, good work!
Just assume I loved everything not mentioned below.
I'm going to have to go with the majority and say that I really didn't care for the last chapter-and-one-eighth. Twilight's death comes out of nowhere and makes no sense at all. And Celestia's reaction (or lack thereof) has been pointed out many a time.
Really, this is all Celestia's fault. "They never listen," my ass. "It's complicated," my ass. This was about as simple to explain as it gets, especially considering she's apparently had dozens of dead lovers with which to document the effects. "Twilight, if you tell anyone, a curse will pop up and you and everyone you tell will die or go insane." That's not so hard to articulate, and I can't really fathom why she didn't bother explaining further.
1973620
It is. It actually is. ^_^
Well, when I was writing it, I imagined that Celestia was also, herself, placed under rules that could not be explained. She was also to be held accountable, so she was bound by the fact that she could warn, but not TELL. Either way, I didn't explain it because that'd just open the fic up to the need to explain more and more and more, and then it would probably just be another adventure mystery and I have other fics in that vein.
This fic, and its successor, is merely about the experience. From the start I'm saying, there IS no story, there IS no point. Don't look too deep or else everything won't make sense, and it's not meant to.
But like everyone else's comments, I did take this point to heart, and in the successor I attempted to have a situation by which less control was given to the characters to avert the disaster that was to happen.
Thank you for the commentary though! I wrote this very early on, and we've always got room to improve.
1973654 Well, if she's under a geas, that would be fine. Something along the lines of "No, I really can't explain, Twilight. I'm not allowed."
That and a little more grief at the end would have fixed the problem.
But now I'm off to read the successor story. I'll tell you what I think about that, as well.
1973678
Thank you! And good points, also.
Well, always something to think about. It's been quite a while since I wrote this!
Applejack is the smart one here. She abandoned ship before she turned psycho.
I will disagree with the majority: I liked the Pinkie Pie scene the best of them all. It was somewhat random, jarring, and a little bit funny, just like Pinkie Pie herself. I thought the sudden alligator attack also fit Pinkie's personality, pulling something from nowhere in a total shift of emotion. As I commented before, Applejack was the smart one, getting out of this nightmare when she did. I do wonder, however, what will happen to the survivors after this event, but that isn't anything I thought needed to be answered by the story itself. It was a quick, good read.
I LOVE this story! So good!
I will be reviewing this at some point on my podcast...the question: how to get my co-hosts to read it....hmm.
1991345
Threats of bodily harm usually work for me.
1992167
I'll remember that. I mean I got 'em to read The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle. So this shouldn't be too hard.
1992261
And thank you for the review! =D
1992271
No prob.
Wiser words have never been spoken.