As Rainbow Dash wakes up to reality, she feels odd. She feels like she isn't herself. She feels like she is trapped in somepony else's body and doesn't know how to get out. She is very confused. She doesn't know what to do with herself. Will she continue lying to her friends or speak the truth and take the risk of losing them?
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A few errors that are consistent with someone (like me, too) who is writing for the first time. It also seemed to skip around a little. But then again, I don't have much room to talk, my story, Birthday Dash, isn't exactly... well written... But for the most part it stirred my curiosity a bit. Good luck with this!
Get an editor!!!
Reading this was almost painful
Possibly an interesting concept, though there's not enough for me to go on yet. It's interesting to see Dash abandoning her secret place, and the unknown drooling lurker. Also the dragon, and what became of the treasure, raise entertaining questions. And so on.
On the other hoof, there are a number of issues, primarily with the writing (as opposed to the story).
-Tense swaps. The verbs can't seem to decide whether to be present or past tense. If you're in doubt, past tense is a good standby. If you want to write present tense, there should be a lot more of it.
-It seems like you forgot to close italics somewhere in the last three paragraphs. Just a minor oopsie there.
-You should probably indent the new lines for dialogue.
-The story thus far feels rushed, and this is primarily because of two things:
a) You do a lot of "telling instead of showing." Sentence examples - Telling: "Rainbow Dash left Sugarcube Corner feeling bad." (terribly general; not only doesn't it describe what it looks or feels like when Dash feels bad, but it doesn't even say what kind of bad! Hurt? Sad? I don't know) - Showing: "Rainbow Dash left Sugarcube Corner with her head hung and a tear in her eye, Pinkie's fury still stinging her cheeks." (Specific: Rainbow Dash is obviously hurt and deflated, and the reader ends up feeling closer to the character because of the emotional detail.) That's not to say you should always show instead of tell, but it's a good thing to do in general.
b) You have not given much detail to almost anything. Part of it is the telling instead of showing, part of it is forgetting to detail at all. We don't even know what the drooling pony looks like, for example, or where Paradise Cove is, relative to Ponyville.
-There are a number of places where verbs and adverbs are but shouldn't be. Here's a really basic example:
“Perfect!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
Of course it's an exclamation, it has an exclamation point. It doesn't need to say "exclaimed." "Said" is practically invisible, and in this case, we already know who's talking, so you might not even need that. It could just read:
"Perfect!"
You still have good ideas, so I'm confident you can correct the problems to make the story even better. Thumbs up when you do.
Ok, first off, for Luna's sake, leave a space after ever paragraph.
Second...
Did you just briefly switch to first-person here? I thought this was a third-person fanfic...
And then here:
No offense here, but most OCs here which sound like they're all perfect are usually what people refer to as a "Mary-Sue", and that is usually not good for a story unless someone can pull it off just right, which hardly ever happens.
Now here, despite it being part of the story, Pinkie Pie was being kinda OOC (out-of-character). You wouldn't really see a Pinkie acting like this over a destroyed kitchen, would you? She's probably forgive RD and just go ahead with fixing it up without a care in Equestria.
Here, you forgot an ending italic tag somewhere.
And sometimes, you can see a small switch to present tense when it is written in past tense. You have to make sure you stick to past tense.
If you want my advice, I'd suggest getting an editor to help out with your story.
As for my thoughts on the story... it's an interesting concept, but if It wasn't rushed, I'd be compelled to say this would be an interesting read.
oh god... i didn't read it all- i just couldn't
-, but you should rush it like that, it'll just ruin your story . get an editor
do not get an editor, they do not understand what goes through your mind, they do not understand what you think, YOU are the editor, and the writer! do what you think is best, no matter what is said
wow... that was... new... huh... maybe i am meant to be an orator... hm