Dark Paradise: the TwiLuna Group Collab

by Habanc

Ponies - Knight of Lycaeus

Written by: Knight of Lycaeus

*****

Luna had finally managed to calm Twilight down, no easy feat given her love’s tendency for panicking; the news that Celestia AND Discord were at wars didn't help either, it was a prank war but still a war. Luna and a now calm Twilight stepped out of the Lunar Princess’ chambers and down into the castle, “Dusky Primrose?” Luna called out for her seneschal. A pony appeared though not a purple and red earth pony mare but a grey and black thestral stallion.

“Captain Night Tempest. Here to deliver the report on the status of the castle and its personnel”, he said calmly while saluting the Princesses.

“Where is Dusky Primrose?” asked Luna.

“Fled, Your Majesties.” was the short reply.

“What of the castle staff and could you provide some details please?” asked Luna.

“Fled, Your Majesties. I believe that all staff, nobles, and citizens of Canterlot have sought refuge at the Golden House, the Grand Dining Hall at the End of Equestria. From intel that I received a sizable portion of the citizens of Equestria within a-” he checked the scroll he carried, “actually most of Equestria has fled to the Golden House. They intend to form a new Diarchy centered around Duke Blueblood and Archduke Fancypants.”

“What of the ambassadors and delegates” Luna asked again hoping somepony or someone was still here.

“Fled, Your Majesties. Even the gryphons and yes even the lone dragon ambassador, all have claimed the need for a vacation and will be sure to return within the next century or so to address any concerns directed at or about their nation.”

“Wait, even the dragon?” asked a surprised Twilight.

“Of course, Your Majesties; Equestria on a global sense has been upgraded to Mostly Harmless since Discord was declared reformed and made a citizen of Equestria.”

“Explain Captain, of why Equestria is labelled as such and why Discord is the only real threat to them?”

“Of course, Your Majesties; the Equestrian Army has fought in almost no wars since the Lunar Rebellion, apologies my Princess.” He bowed slightly before continuing, “Princess Celestia has not invaded any nation in centuries, the Royal Guards are seen as little more than eyecandy by many visitors convincing them that Equestria was Harmless, Discord upgraded it to Mostly Harmless.

“What about my brother and Cadance?” Twilight asked the Lunar Captain.

“Here, Your Majesties. If the intel I have is correct, the Crystal Emperor had taken control of the Solar Guards while the Crystal Empress leads the Crystal Guards.”

“Good, maybe they cou-” Twilight was cut short by another voice.

“Sir Shield of the White I shall finally defeat you!”

“Never! Lady Heart of the Crystal, I shall be the one to defeat you!”

Twilight facehoofed and sighed, “Not again. I thought they ended it but no, they just had to continue their stupid game.”

“Game?”, Luna asked.

“Shiny used to play Oubliettes & Ogres a lot with his friends, sometimes Cadance or I or both of us would join him. His games with Cadance eventually became less working together and more of sending armies against each other. Somehow those two combined Oubliettes & Orges and chess into a game, it’s always ends in draw neither has ever won but now they both using their guards for their game.”

“Our last hope then, where are the Lunar Guards?” asked a desperate Luna.

“We must always be one with the night and shadows. We shall evermore remain the hidden dagger and cloak of Equestria” he paused, “That’s the official response. Permission to speak freely?”

Luna nodded.

Forgoing his earlier composure, “We may be sworn to serve and protect but we’re not dealing with Discord or Celestia in a pranking war. After our last incident with Discord which involved butterfly wings, twenty lengths of rope, and a dozen hammers. None of us wants to deal with him.” blurting out his words quickly. “My report’s done and I’m leaving before they get here.” He sped out the window and headed off to the horizon.

“There’s no hope left is there?” asked Twilight hugging Luna.

“None.”

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The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Our World and Beyond (42th Edition, Revised)

Nation: Equestria

Population: Ponies (Sub-species of Pegasi, Unicorns, Earth Ponies, Alicorns)

Government: Triarchy (Alicorns are the leading royalty)

Status: Mostly Harmless

Hazards: Rainbows, overpowered (and insane) divine royals, chaos god.

Author's Note:

References are for Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Trilogy of Five.

Comments

[Hobbestc]

I love the Hitchhikers Guide. Well done!

[-------]

You have earned yourself a towel! May it serve you forever more.

[Misplaced Mage]

The Big Bang Burger Bar never gets any love.

[Knight of Lycaeus]

4259713
Haven't had time to reread the series in a while so I kind of forgot about the briefly mentioned locale. Besides for me knowing there's a place where you watch the world end was so fitting, the Epic Prank War (of Celestia and Discord) definitely spells doom for ponies. I'll keep that locale in mind though, maybe I'll figure out how to bring Twilight and Luna to the beginning of all time (the hunt for the perfect burger, now it sounds like Harold and Kumar....).

[Quill Copy]

I loved the trilogy in five parts and the references were awesome.