- Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 6th, 2019
BetaShade
Already got a FiMFic account for non-adult stories so thought I'd start up one for the more mature edged stuff and give it a go.
BetaShade
Joined 3rd Sep, 2013 ·
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Whelp,
tshirtgroove.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/seal-of-approval-t-shirt.jpg
I do, however feel that this should not be first person. Just my opinion though!
You got my attention chap, now be a gentlemanly fellow and deliver
You got one thing wrong.
In the Gentleman story the character had to go through a portal to get to Equestria then.
It's not an island that appeared, it's in another freaking universe that's accessible by portal.
lol that last line
always enjoy a good gentlemen story
Interesting.
I shall be watching this story with interest.
3155101
An island appeared, and the portal appeared on the island.
YEAS. But please no first person. That is all.
Actually, keep it First Person. It'll look weird if you change it in the next chapter.
Pretty good start. I was laughing alot during this chapter. It's about time someone wrote a story about Lyra in the Gentlemenverse.
Keep going.
Good start. I like the banter and politician's characterization. Sam feels a little weak to me though, mostly because I don't quite understand him yet. That obviously will change in future chapters but right now I am unsure if I should "root" for him yet other than that he's the protagonist.
On the other hand we're still in the prologue/exposition bit, the real meat of the story is too come. Have a like and a fave for a decent beginning, I look forward to more.
Really liking it so far. Gotta say, Sam is a dick, but the kind of dick I have always been friends with: a little rude but not enough to be mean, a pretty quick wit, rather cynical, and sarcastic to no end. I love it.
Well, that's an interesting idea as to how the business was started up.
Very impressed on the premise of the story and how, so far, it has panned out.
Do I detect hints of Gamer Luna?
Also, flustered Lyra is best pony. I shall be watching this story with interest.
Eh... I'm not so sure I like the concept of their relationship being intentionally set up by outside parties, or the GfM was a pre-existing conspiracy attempting to create its own business model, rather than someone cannily setting up a business in response to a naturally occurring event. Seems implausible and forced.
3166845 That's certainly a valid opinion, but considering the cunning of the Mare in question, I feel it very within her capabilities, especially if she discovered a concept as human as viral advertising and had the right business partner. Suppose it's a chicken and egg scenario. But then that's just my feeling. I will admit I took a risk there though. All in good fun though.
3168644
Eh, in my mind, it's too vast a tonal shift. The story starts out being a cute and sweet story about an open minded guy and a human-loving pony hook up and (presumably) start a relationship (or maybe they fuck like bunnies then break up, I don't know.), with all the fun and story that implies.
Then, BAM, spy thriller territority. I mean, you do realize that you now have a major plot point of a transdimensional conspiracy to have two people fuck? It's like something out of an absurdist romantic comedy, or a scifi porno. I'm not trying to be insulting, just trying to point out how out of left field this feels for me.
What's more, it's a conspiracy to manipulate the characters into doing something they're naturally inclined to do anyways. I mean, might as well conspire to trick Celestia into raising the sun every morning. What's more, their role in the story is essentially done; unless you intend to add complications to the story which only they can resolve (which just pushes he story in weirder directions), there's literally no point in including them in this part of the story. I mean, if you were really married to this plot point, I could see you including them at the end, congratulating themselves on a job well done, adding an amusing little twist without impacting the rest of the story, but here it's... Just out of place for where the story seemed to be going.
Here's two cents, thanks for listening to me ramble. I'll keep reading, because I'm curious about where it'll go. Who knows? Maybe you'll surprise me.
3169770 Nah, not rambling all, all critique is appreciated and valuable and your personal opinion is also appreciated. The relationship part is the main body of the story and that's what i'll be sticking to, so don't worry, it won't get in the way of things too much, basically to show there's more going on than first appears. And you're right, now that they're together their role is pretty much done. That was basically to show what HAD been done and to reveal a bit more about Jim's character, you might say the momentary tone shift was meant to jar the reader just a little. Anyhoo, never mind. As i said, all in good fun and thanks for reading so far, and again thanks for giving thought to it.
EDIT: But in my defense. It sort of is, by strict definition, an absurdist romantic comedy/scifi porno when you think about it...
3169961
AHEM.
The term "plot" originates from Brony metahumor (as in "I only watch the show for the... plot"), and has not ever meant "buttocks" outside of that context. So it is jarring to find it in a story that is not about "Bronies in Equestria". Please correct that—"flanks", for all of its incorrectness (since it means "side", not "buttocks"), is still more appropriate than "plot", which honestly has no place in this story since Bronies shouldn't exist in Gentlemanverse canon.
It should be "principles"... unless you were referring to the money originally invested or loaned on which basis interest and returns are calculated, or the chief academic officer of a school.
It should be "reverie"... unless you're saying he was in respectful awe of something, or were referencing a lapel of a garment turned back to show the reverse side.
There are others besides this. Do you have an editor? I'd be happy to volunteer if not.
3173347 the plot thing did throw me to be honest since I've seen it used so many times in non-BiE fics that I genuinely wasn't sure if it was just the fanon accepted term (I actually had it as flank originally as I thought it read better) but yeah, changed it back. Thanks for the pointers there, altered those. And no editor, no. A bit new to have picked up one yet.
You should also probably avoid starting comments with 'AHEM', it sort of sets the wrong tone when you're trying to provide what is actually quite helpful criticism.
3154273
3157304
In my experience there are only two ways to write a fic, and that is either in first or third person (second person is ALWAYS a mistake as it reads like a set of instructions and not an actual story) and I've had experience with writing FP and TP so I have no real preference for either and was actually initially torn as to how to write this.
Two things decided it: As the story will progress to romantic parts, it's always best (IMHO) to write it through the perspective of the one experiencing it so it doesn't feel so disjointed when being read, and let's you know what the character is feeling as opposed to it just being described from the outside. Also, writing from the character's perspective makes it easier for me to get into his head and keep things going more fluidly. The second (and main) decider was that as the original GfM story is written in first person, I figured it best to stick to that style also. Though I really am unsure what some people seem to have against First Person perspectives in general on this site.
3173577
Yeah, the "AHEM" was just to make it stand out as being an important message. A sort of pointed "hey buddy don't skim over this part, it's important". That's all.
"Flank" is commonly used, although that actually describes the sides of an animal, and would be synonymous to the area between the hip and armpits on either side of a human body. Technically, the correct term for a quadruped would be "rump".
As I said, I'd be happy to assist if you need an editor/adviser. I'm already assisting Demon Eyes Laharl on his Gentlemanverse stories. If you have Skype, you can message me at permanenttemporary.
3175181
While first and third are the obvious norms, second person has its limited uses. Notably, it is useful for "choose your own adventure" type narrative where the main perspective in the story is basically a proxy for the audience to insert themselves as themselves as the main character. Obviously, this is not that kind of story.
I often prefer first person present stream of consciousness (with limited alternating view) when writing in most cases, since it feels more dynamic and personal to a character, even if it often limits how much I can outright tell the audience about the story. Also, because nearly every story out there today uses third person past omniscient or limited, I've gotten sick of it.
I don't know what these people have against first person stories either—it just seems like one of those things people dislike for pointless and inexplicable reasons to me.
3177247 I don't know either, and I agree about choose your own adventure stories where the reader gets some influence on the narrative so can at least partly think 'yes, I did cause or think that' to a degree, but 95% or more of the 2nd person stories on this site aren't those and it just reads as 'I couldn't be bothered writing a character so its up to you despite me outlining your thoughts, feelings and personality, so if you come across as feeling wooden and one dimensional then it's your fault, all I'm here to do is write a scenario'
No, no you aren't. And perspective is no excuse for lazy storytelling. My litmus test is to change it to first person in my head and see how it stands up. Unsurprisingly, most don't and come across as either wooden cutouts or Gary-Stu's. But that's just my two cents on the issue, and yeah I'd be glad for your help. Don't use Skype however so not sure how you'd want to coordinate this.
3179073
thegrowthmasters.com/files/QuickSiteImages/man_pointing_up.jpg
Yes, 95% of the second person stories on this site are needlessly second-person. Furthermore, 95% of them stem from "Anonymous in Equestria" 4chan stories.
Skype was just to make it easier, since it's convenient to talk over an instant messenger, but we can always use FIMFiction PMs... even if they're a little bit tedious to carry a continuous conversation over.
—Do you have Google Drive? If not, I highly recommend it, as it makes peer editing much much much easier for everyone involved. Also, it has an in-built messenger system, so we wouldn't need Skype's instant messenger... even though I much prefer it.
3179097 I am on Google Drive, yes. I don't use it for initial writing (Word for that) but I use it for editing and getting files onto FimFN as well as storage of the documents.
3169961
Technically, but it's not really being written like one, hence it seeming weird and out of place, and ultimatelly, unnecesary. If I were editing, I'd suggest dropping the scene or moving it to the end of the series.
3180358
Well, when you need my help, just send me a PM with the link to the Google Doc. You can share it with me over email too (jaften_murderofcrows@yahoo.com).
3181820 You...judge a scene unnecessary without knowing the rest of the story? I also wasn't aware that I'd even stated just how i was intending to write the story or it's genre, it was supposed to be multi-tonal. If you were shocked a little...guess I actually did something right. If you continue to disagree over this, especially since your original comment just seemed to be how you felt it jarred with your personal preconception of how the business came to be, then I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree and draw the bottom line under it at that. Hope you enjoy the rest regardless /)
3181985
You said earlier in our discussion that this scene had no further relevance to the story. Did I misinterpret?
3182237 i said it wouldn't get in the way and that it will remain overall about Sam and Lyra, but i didn't say it wouldn't come up in some way occasionally.
Like a few of the others i enjoy the snarkiness of the main character and i'm just waiting to see what you do with it, a watch and fave from moi.
3184524 Thank ye kindly
FirstDISREGARD THISYou're quite welcome.
Also, penultimate chapter? This story is shorter than I thought it would be.
I might extend this beyond the next chapter, I'll see how it goes. ;)
3195228 If you do decide to extend it you have approval from me, i'd gladly read more if you're going to make it longer
YOLO!
Lyra having fun, of course it's going to be awesome.
This almost made me choke with laughter.
I'm enjoying this story so far. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Penultimate? Aw.
I thought (and was rather hoping) it would be more of a story exploring Lyra and Sam, not just a short, set-up sort of story.
Not that it wouldn't be any less good for it. I've enjoyed it quite a bit so far.
Jim right now.
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3173347 wrote : "AHEM."
Hello Professor Umbridge.
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Very sexy and well written.
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Oh Lawd
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Massive ups for how you wrote Applejack, fine sir. Very groovy, I say!
really am loving this first chapter
Don't know how many times i giggled this chapter.
I feel it went a bit too fast, I think this story could do with a slightly slower pace.
Also, Only one more chapter?