- Member Since 31st Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 31st, 2015
CaleMcManus21
A twenty-one year old American male who became a brony and is too scared to admit it
CaleMcManus21
Joined 31st Aug, 2013 ·
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It seemed that you moved the emotions along a bit too fast you could add that they felt a pain of pitty for the boy and took him under their wings, Also it seems they randomly knew he was a human it is a bit unusual but you could add in the archives it mentions a phrophice of something called human, that is a way to tell us how they knew his species or use a flashback, Next keep up writing and take into mind what the readers say they may just have a point and you keep writing that is how you get better or as quoted "sucking at something is the first step to being kind of good" keep up the words and peace
If this story gets enough likes, I'll throw in a surprise and I'll keep your comment in mind. Thanks for the tip/advice.
I hope there will be more. I like this Storys, where a Ponys find a Human, that had bad luck and give him a new life with Love and Friendship.
I'm more eager to read about this, because it's Shining Armor and Cadence how become a 'foal'
I'm hoping you'll at least make a slice of life sequel to this
, cause I think this story and kid got promise
Aw.. this was a sweet one-shot. Very unique for the child not to speak, but mainly write down what he wanted to say. Seems like this could have a sequel of a one-shot or maybe you could continue with this.
So, do you want a sequel, or are you going to see this as a prologue and have the next story be where his adventure starts? Because I'm planning the latter.
Also, do you think My Foal should be his name? If not, I'm welcoming suggestions.
This is a nice little oneshot. Have my fave.
can you write a sequel to this story
I hate to be the odd one out here, but this story felt rushed, the emotions just weren't hitting me and the way "My Foal" was adopted felt...I don't know, too easy.
There should have been some sort of "Wait a sec. This is a creature I know not, maybe I should look into this further and get to understand just what I'm looking after for the next twelve odd years."
As for the "Foal". He sounded way too intelligent for a seven year old.
Take all of this into account the next time you write and it'll make it much easier a read.
Sorry if you don't like this, but this is criticism as well as what I feel.
THIS WAS SO CUTE AND AWESOME
This calls for a sequel.
Not bad but very rushed and lacking.
3143689 Jason, I don't know why, the name was all I could think of
. And your right, this story is more of a prologue.
While I wouldn't call it a bad story, it does need some work. An early error that I noticed was a bit of inconsistency with the verb tense:
(Also, you put in an extra space in between the "has written" after you wrote, "Princess Cadance has".
It seemed a bit "flat" to me. I don't know, maybe like you were just telling instead of showing? The interaction with the human also seemed a bit awkward to me.
As has been mentioned in previous comments, it also seemed a bit rushed and lacking in emotional potency. Shining and Cadance's knowledge of humans seemed a bit unexplained as well. Adding detail and adjusting how you say things may help with these problems a bit.
The most glaring error that I found was when the human said that he had no memory of his life prior to his transference into Equestria (or maybe I should say "the Crystal Empire" instead). If this was true, how did he know that it was his parents who had given him his bruise, that parents, or most of them, in his world are extremely happy, and that his family hated him?
Again, detail. Pay attention to it and include enough of it. Try making things more interesting, understandable, and believable by trying different ways of saying things and picking the way that sounds the best. Some ways may require more words and bring out more detail than others; don't be afraid to type a bit more. Don't just tell us what was said, paint us a picture of how the one who said the thing said it (tone of voice) and with what expression (such as facial), what was being said non-verbally during this time by the speakers body language.
I'm not trying to put you down, and I don't mean to be harsh, but you asked for tips on how you could improve and that's what I've tried to offer. The story has potential, and I kind-of like it, but does need a lot of work to bring out that potential.
Wow! I didn't expect this story to get this many likes!
The ones who liked it, expect another story!
As for the ones who criticized the story, I'm not upset and I appreciate what you're trying to tell me. I'll keep your tips into consideration when writing my next story. Or stories.
Prologue, baby! That's what this story is!
Not bad.
I also read your Author's note, I haven't read your early stuff but don't feel too bad we all feel like work is bad form time to time.
We all can learn form each other and try to get better.
I know my work need improving and I know I've made mistakes.
But I try to learn form them and become better and I try to except the help that others offer.
There Is several Groups devoted to helping writers.
You could try looking up some of those?
I know that I was vague but right now that is the best I can offer at lest right now
Good luck and best wish for the future.
Well, for starters. You could press the "Enter" bar more often. Especially when a character is talking. For example:
"Sweetcloud, why do you still keep pestering me?" asked Unit.
"Pestering? I would call it fun!" Sweetcloud replied.
Notice how that when a character talks, you have to kind of separate it to cause less confusion. Overall, I think that you're on a great start with your writing so far. However, I don't like how the story went since I couldn't feel the emotion of it. It all felt too fast in which writers make a lot of mistakes of. I hope this helped prove useful...
3167356
Thanks for the tips
This feels like the prologue or the first chapter of a longer fic which shows some promise concept wise.
As for names, I guess figure out if he has any sort of distinctive features that they could name him after (ex: Blondie, Goldie, Fingers, Hands, or Hawk Eyes)
Also, keep Italian words and phrases open as a possibility since Cadence's name is Italian.
Mi Amore Cadenza = I Love Cadence (Google Translate).
Though I have to agree with the criticisms of Zamairiac and AliCentaur Br0ny.
Emotion needs to be worked on, a grammar Nazi needs to be hired, more descriptions need to be added, and there needs to be a bigger or even a massive information gap on what the ponies know about humans off the bat.
Ways to go about Pony knowledge on humans is to:
1) Make humans a myth that one of them saw in passing when hanging with filly Twilight in the library
2) No knowledge of mankind in any form or fashion since they do not exist in Equestria. Not even in fiction.
3) Fictional creatures. Hilarity ensues
4) Extinct race that died out before the first pony tribes formed.
Regardless of how you do it, there needs to be a sort of period of mutual suspicion or at least suspicion by the ponies of the boy.
I would suspect Shining being the more suspicious and cautious of the two to the point where he is a bit rude or insensitive towards the kid.
Cadence is the type to adopt stray cats or beat up shelter dogs and want to help the boy. Kinda like Fluttershy.
I would suggest reading Zamairiac's story "Nothing is set in stone" where he has a kid get adopted and raised by Celestia and dates Cadence. While its first person from the human's POV, there are still notes that can be taken from it.
Don't have them adopt the kid or have the kid ask to be adopted so quickly. Offer him shelter and food, but not immediate adoption, they should learn about each other and grow closer a bit before that.
Finally pay attention to the details, because the details will make or break it.
Maybe include details of what is in the ally, condition of the kid and his clothes, the kid's smell, and call the kid a colt, cub, or young male (maybe some light fun with the ponies guessing his gender wrong).
Hopefully I was able to help.
Look forward to more.
3202352
It was actually my first try of writing a sad fic. I appreciate the criticism and I'm using them to advantage (kind of). Feel free to read through my stories if you want.
And because you gave me tips, (not sure if u favorited or liked it), you get a watch!
3202377
Glad I could help!
I did thumb and fav it since I wanted updates on it and I liked the concept, though execution needs wo- What the?!
In three consecutive days I get a new follower?!
This is certainly a different state of affairs for my user page!
Sorry if its a bit blank, I don't have any stories or blog posts of my own.
I need to add more notable stories on my page and maybe some frequently used reaction images and vids.
Thanks for the for the follow!
3202416
No prob! Hope you enjoy my other stories!
3202736
I'll browse through them sometime
3203163
Alrighty. Don't hesitate to give criticisms to me. When you do though, try not to be harsh, I'm kind of sensitive.
3203361
Alright, I'll try not to channel Yahtzee Croshaw then.
I actually found this pretty good. Will there be a sequel?
Will be contimume ?
cant wait for you to continue it!
Great story idea, although it seemed vary rushed, they went from meeting an alien in an ally to adopting it in a few paragraphs
The boy probably has an IQ of 160.
Please don't take it personally. Don't get me wrong: I like the premise, but I honestly think Foalie or Childie is a very stupid name. I understand that the ponies don't know what species he is, but I draw the line at a name like that. It shows how ponies are unaware or unwilling to learn about other species, especially non-equines and how they fear every other species for narrow-minded reasons.