It was a normal day in Fillydelphia for Whipping Bumpkin. She was tired of the same ole thing everday. She always wanted to go adventure, but angered by her father not letting her. Whipping Bumpkin was tired you seeing the same things, the same ponies. She wanted to explore and finally gets the chance to go on adventure to defeat and an evil being known as Umbra Aquila. The only way to defeat him, is to find all eight Crests of Equestria and activate them at the Temple of Shadows, Whipping Bumpkin knows she can not do it on her own. So she risk her own and friend's life to find what they need to be able to stop Umbra Aquila, before it is too late.
Chapters (2)
I like it.
The paragraphs were a little to long, but all in all I was impressed
Also make thoughts in italics so readers don't get confused
It was a mistake I did too
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
Hello there, ladies and gentlemen! (Otherwise known as "the boys and girls that are aroused by equine rear ends.") Before we begin, allow me to get a quick introduction out of the way first: my name is Dark Avenger, and this evening (or whenever you actually plan to read this nonsense) I shall be your very unfriendly fanfic reviewer. I like to believe that I am a decent author, as well as an above average critic of authors. I am also obsessed with the band Swans, and take every available opportunity to remind my audience of that fact. If anything, it helps me relieve the tension that builds up inside me while reading a terrible fanfic, of which I will inevitably face many if this review gains the approval of the rest of the group.
Nomen est omen, as some bloke who could speak latin once wisely said, and in my case this is probably no exception, since I have a great fondness for "dark" fiction. One can be forgiven for thinking that this means I am in luck with the fic currently in question, not to mention my potential new occupation in general, and I have indeed written a few reviews before, but at least back then I was given the ability to actually choose the works that deserve my time and attention, let alone a lengthy diarrhea of words describing my opinion, while works like these would be relegated to the "downvote bin" in about three nanoseconds.
Still, let's not rush ahead with my verdict on this story, even though the warning signs started showing pretty much the very second I opened the link to it. First of all: the title. "Untold Paradox"? I am not entirely convinced that it is a positive thing when your title becomes more and more confusing the more I think about it. How is a certain paradox even relevant in your story, and why must we mention that it is untold? Indeed, no one told you that the more you think about it the less sense it makes, which seems both "untold" and "paradoxical" enough, and I guess I could chalk up a few points to it for being unique, even if for the wrong reasons. I am pretty sure the followup chapters plan to shed some light on this mystery, but I honestly can't be arsed to be interested any longer.
Moving on, things refuse to improve with the short summary, where we are first introduced to the author's fairly poor skill when it comes to grammar, which shall then go on to accompany us for the rest of this mess that I now reluctantly refer to as "a story." It is also an unwise decision to give away almost half the plot at this point, while at the same time not give any meaningful information at all. "I am a cliche bored teenager who wants to go on an adventure to defeat some cliche evil dude using some cliche method in order for my life to have some meaning" is hardly the kind of summary that can draw me in.
Of course, if I were pretending to be a nicer person during this review, I would probably mention that this is the author's very first fic, therefore poor decisions on their part are to be expected, and even among poor grammar and plot structure one can easily find traces of potential. I am currently unable (not to mention unwilling) to descend to such a level, however, therefore allow me to announce that diving into the story felt like diving headfirst into a vat of boiling liquid human waste. Aside from the poor grammar, the exposition, the pacing, and the overall presentation of characters, details, and events all give the appearance of the author not giving two shits about at least proofreading their own work before presenting it to the rest of the world, let alone actually taking the time to edit it properly and prevent it from making me bury my face in my hands every five seconds while I was reading it. I must admit, though, the time spent groaning among my filthy palms were arguably the most enjoyable parts of this story.
I don't think any lengthy review I could spew out could save this chaotic mess in its current form, for I am convinced that it requires a complete overhaul if the author intends to be taken seriously. I will highlight a few key problems, though:
1) Exposition. Even if you don't know how to do it well, at least try. Randomly stamping in a few incoherent sentences between badly written lines of dialogue is not a good way to start to a story. Either spend time introducing us to the characters and their environment properly, or introduce the universe itself (since the tags include "alternate universe"). Constantly chanting "My mom is awesome, I want to be just like her! Also, she is dead, and that is so tragic!" is not going to impress anyone, least of all myself.
2) Pacing. Randomly jumping between two different scenes without a proper transition is both confusing and repulsive. You need to slow down, use properly structured sentences and paragraphs, and allow the reader to actually become immersed in the story. Otherwise, it will just read as if a drunk person tried to write a fanfic with a pencil stuck up his nose while watching reruns on BabyTV.
3) If you intend to write a story with a "Dark" tag and actually expect it to be taken seriously, then having a character named "Whipping Bumpkin" in it will not help you, to say the least. Actually, it is more along the lines of "committing suicide by using a cheese grater to slit open your own throat." Seriously, try reading that name out loud at least ten times, and then try to tell me that it was a good choice with a straight face. For a comedy or lighthearted adventure story this might have been acceptable, but the only possible context that I can imagine a name such as "Whipping" coinciding with a "Dark" tag is if this were a story involving hardcore BDSM. In fact, every time I read that name I half-expect some dominatrix to appear out of nowhere and start a fucking orgy, or something. The problem is that this still leaves us with a "Tragedy" tag, which I assume is supposed to mean that this story wishes to be a tearjerker, but the only "tragedy" I see so far is the absolute neglect of any work being put into this story beyond the first effort. The same goes for the overall content. Sloppy dialogue that contains either bitching about wanting to go on an adventure, or mentioning a dead mother makes this neither immersive, "dark," or "tragic," no matter how many ponies being roasted to death you try to shove in between the lines.
That is all I could think of, really. As a first effort, this story deserves some praise for having decent length, and the basic concept may indeed have some potential, but once you actually start reading it... Well, there are those stories that I hate for using a shitty overused concept, but at least are written well enough to make me forgive them for that, and then there are those that attempt to explore a fascinating idea, but due to the author's poor skill they are somewhat unpleasant and disappointing to read. This story, in its current form, combines the worst elements of both. It is a paradox that is indeed best left untold...
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