Don't read this, it was the first time I'd ever done any manner of writing. Its good for a badfic reading though; it's peak 2013 bad HIE.
Equestria, a land with a mysterious past surrounded by powerful forces. Enter Damon Flame, a 19 year old living on his own trying to get by in life after escaping his home five years ago. He was just starting to regain some semblance of control over his life and was beginning to accept some of the scars his past left on his mind. Things are finally looking up but his healing is interrupted by life kicking him in the teeth, stealing a couple organs, and dragging him to some freaky place. At least it had the courtesy to leave him in the ICU.
*Authors note*
Tell me what you like and hate about this. I'm completely open to constructive criticism.
Rewrites of the chapters are currently in progress.
Also thanks to Total Eclipse for letting me bounce ideas off of him.
Seems ligit...(first)
Dis is good.
3153531 Well thank you.
3153531 WOW what a plot twist
ooo dweler of the twilight and i want a pair of those wings
Whew, and I thought he was gonna be the seventh element or something.
Well then, I like this guy already.
Then why the F did say you were going to arrest him, you dumb dumb.
3184385 Too cliche.
3184412 Luna does not always make the wisest decisions. Then again spending 1000 years on the moon may corrode you judgement a bit.
Still a better love story than...I'll just stop right there
3185366 Harry... YOU'RE A WIZARD!
3187637
fuck these cliffhangers! *Throws computer out window*
no but in reality i can't wait for the next chapter!!
3188671 Next chapter should be out this week unless something comes up.
3188674
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Next chapter now or i dislike
No i actaully like the story but next chapter soon
so he's basically a twili from zelda? how odd.........
3191965 No clue what you're talking about. I haven't played many zelda games.
3191908 It's in the works right now. At the latest it will be out on saturday.
Well, shit!
3204975
I want to like this more, I really do, but there's some problems that you need to work on. I'll give you the big two, the rest are rather minor and honestly don't detract much, if any, from the story itself.
The first, and biggest, is that you seem to have this habit of double speech. You'll say one thing, the restate it within the next two lines in a different manner. While it's great to reiterate points at times, doing it in that manner makes it seem like you aren't aware of what you're writing completely. Pick one explanation and stick with it, you might lose some word count, but it'd improve quality and that's far more important.
The second is your grammar. Over all, it's decent, but here and there I've come across a few blurbs that just made me hurt. I leave it to any editors you have to find these and inform you, this is just to give you my opinions and views.
In closing, I want to say that this is an interesting concept and I rather like the ideas you put forth here as far as magic goes. Your world building is pretty interesting too, wars in a mostly idealic place such as Equestria are rather intriguing to think about. Lastly, Luna seems a little out of character, but after reading this chapter it seems there's a darn good reason for it.
You have both my fav and my up-vote. Best of luck and I hope I've not offended you any with this.
-Dark Parable, teller of tales of a questionable nature.
3212793 I'll be the first to admit that my grammar is not the best. and while I WAS going to have an editor, he changed his mind at the last minute before I posted the first chapter so I'm kind of out of luck in that regard. I went back over the chapters and did realize that you are correct in stating that I do have a nasty habit of double speech so I'm going to work on that in future chapters and the fixes on the current ones. You're criticism is greatly appreciated.
3213030
You're quite welcome. If you've not already done so, submit this story to school for new writers and authors helping authors. Both groups should be able to help you make this even better than it already is.
I'd offer you some help editing, but I honestly haven't the time to do so at the moment. Perhaps at a later date.
Again, best of luck
-Parable
The feels in this chapter... man..
buzzworthy.mtv.com//wp-content/uploads/buzz/2013/09/feels.gif
3246423 And this is where the gore and dark tags begin to come in.
this story is so good, it deserves way more veiws
3247762 Thank you. What exactly do you like about it?
3247768
You do an excellent job of creating an interesting main character and a well thought out background surrounding the events, these factors rely help to sell a story and get a reader interested. However the pacing is where you rely excel, something is always happening which drives the plot forward in a meaningful way and that helps me stay invested in the story.
I have one thought in regards to the fortune teller: Why would any fortune teller flat-out tell someone "Hey, you're going to be sent to another world...have fun on this one until that time comes!"?
I would suggest something more cryptic. You still get an upvote, as it is your story and that's the only thing I've noticed from this first chapter. Looking forward to the next one!
3295917 Most fortune tellers are total BS and either tell you something very vague or something totally wild so I kinda went with that. But yeah I can see your point.
The main reason the last three paragraphs sound awkward is because you made them come after an unnecessary page break. There's no reason for the separation.
Also, get that last paragraph to emphasis blood form more and then you can effectively stop on the small revelation of why it's called blood form.
3310800 Yeah I wasn't entirely sure whether or not to include that last bit in this chapter or rewrite it completely in the next. Thanks for the criticism!
A much better ending. Far less jarring then shoving a page break in at the bottom for three little paragraphs. Now you can actually start and complete the thoughts on blood form in the next chapter.
The chapter that i'm looking forward to...
Good fic you've got here. Although, I would like to point out that I spotted a few tense shifts here and there, some missing punctuation, and all thoughts should be italicized.
I used the single quote to represent the start of a thought in my first fic and they liked to crucify me for that mistake. Single quotes are used for quoting inside of a quote. So the excerpt above should look like this:
Sweet. Woke up in time to watch that new episode. I roll out of my bed and walk over to the broken chair in my living room. Crap kinda forgot about that. I think as I sigh. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to sit on the floor. I grab the remote to turn on the TV but all it shows is static.
3323552 I've been looking for those tense shifts a lot because I remember messing that up quite a bit when I first wrote it. Besides that though what did you think?
I'm on chapter two so far, and this story is great.
Hello, I'm a hater in a world of ponies. And now Imma hate on your fic.
What?
Did you not hear what she told him? Since this is from first person, either you heard what was said and can tell us, or you didn't and can't bring it into the story. Or tell us that she whispered into his ear or something. Also, see question 69 on http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
As flat characters and parents of a HiE fic, unfairly restrictive parents without backstory to explain their unfairness is highly cliched. But it's not a storykiller if you just explain the reason as to why they believe some random gypsy on the street. Is she related to them or something?
Why would a stranger know why it's so dark? If the lights suddenly disappeared from the sky and I suspected that the strange man in a dark red cloak caused it, I sure wouldn't be shouting at him. Also, how does a body look serpentine? Does he have scales?
Also, first person present requires quite a bit of skill and many writers hate it. Just saying.
This has been your hate from teh h4t0rz. War out, dude.
3473972 All valid points. Yes I know my grammar is pretty sucky and I have no editor. Thank you for your criticism. As for how a body can look serpentine it could be the general outline and shape of their body for example.
Honest to F***, man! Use some commas! It was unbearable to read and half the time I couldn't even understand what was supposed to be happening.
I gave this a good, honest try, even when your summary made me want to avoid it, solely because Total Eclipse suggested to read it. I am sorely disappointed and will not read further. I agree with 3473972 's points; for that and what I mentioned above, you have earned my dislike.
I may not be the best at comma usage, but I know when it's bad. And it IS bad...
3600505 Yeah. I'm aware that it's rather bad. That's why I've been rewriting it for the past two months now. Knew it was a grammatical nightmare so I stopped writing and started fixing it. Looking back at it over the past two months I came to realize how full of grammatical errors, poor description, and plot holes it was. Rewrites are nearly finished and I'm working on securing and editor. And what about the description turned you away from it? I'm fairly certain I know what it is but it would be helpful to get confirmation of what it is.
3600512
Well, it doesn't flow very well and it tells me next to nothing about the actual story.
While stories about a troubled teen are a dime-a-dozen, most of the really good ones here on FimFic are just that. Ya gotta either have some good gimmick or have good writing skills. Right now, from what I gathered in the first chapter, it is scratching on having a quirk that'll make it stand out(the prophesy of leaving his world is the neat twist.)
I want to continue this; I really do. But...
First, grammar mistakes are throwing the narrative into a cyclone of confusion. Try as I might, I can't seem to keep the story in track for more than a few sentences before some error hits like a boulder and stops me for a few seconds. My best recommendation here is an editor.
Second, the point of view is painful for any but the human. For both Luna and Rainbow Dash, you start their sections in third-person, but then suddenly switch to them saying 'I' for the narrative. Further, using first-person for those two doesn't work with your writing style. Neither of their voices sound like them, so I'd recommend you stick with third-person for them and first-person for the human.
As a side note, you mentioned earlier that single-quotes were for thoughts and double-quotes were for speech. Because the two are hard to differentiate during reading, it would be best for you to italicize thoughts.
The premise of the story sounds interesting, and I really want to read it, but what I have mentioned is holding me back. If you were to correct them, I'll give this story another go. Until then, I hope you have fun with this. I know criticism can be a damper on creativity and enjoyment in writing, but hopefully you can take this with some salt (or whatever the saying is supposed to be).
3896563 Eh, I know the quality is horrible. This was the first thing I have ever written, and when I started writing my grammar was atrocious. Clearly. I've been doing rewrites excruciatingly slowly, and have been thinking about scrapping it entirely and starting over. Keep the same premise, but make it a lot better. Not sure how I would do that, but I've been considering it. All the same, thank you for taking the time to give it criticism.
I happen to love the way you described this, by the way. Made me chuckle.
Good start, but maybe you could give a little more in detail of what Damon's human appearance looks like?
This is awesome
oh i just wished storys this good would be finnished you know it could even be a hit