Music Note is a pegasus in Ponyville. She is kind to everyone she meets, but has no friends, only acquaintances. How can she manage to make friends if she can't even break out of her nervous shell?
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 28th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 26th, 2013
FrostbiteTheBlind
Seasonal fanfic/clopfic writer, "PrinceNightstar" on PonyFictionArchive (Not actually blind.)
FrostbiteTheBlind
Joined 28th Aug, 2013 ·
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wat
3130075
Hey look! It's Fluttershy!
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
So, right off the bat: a ponycreator cover image. Using ponycreator images for cover images here is generally looked down upon, so don't do it. There's a group that'll help you if you ain't an artsey fartsey sorta fella', or you could go without a cover image (arguable a better decision than using a ponycreator one). Continuing on this train of thought, if the ponies here are anthro, why the flying tits would you use a pony image? Logical flaw detected.
Moving on, I don't even need to start the first chapter to find another error: chapter lengths. Aim for a twelve hundred minimum for chapter lengths as anything under a thousand words also tends to get instant hate here.
Now, as there's nothing abhorrent with the description, let's move onto the story itself...
Ooh, I'm very scared! Not. Here is where it pays to show instead of tell. Instead of her waking up with a sweater (who the hell sleeps with a sweater anyways?) why not show us one of her positively horrifying dreams? Dream scenes can be a great way to get into the psyche (or whatever the term is) of a character.
Why? Because we just finished talking about her oh-so horrifying nightmares and now we're going to a scene of her popping pills. That's what new paragraphs are for.
Whenever writing numbers less than a thousand, always spell them out. It looks lazy and unprofessional so don't do it.
Complete shit? Hell, you don't know the the flying asshole tits complete means. This story (thus far) is only shit, not complete shit. I pray to Sithis that it remains that way. Either way, people are going to still hate if it's shit no matter what you ask of them.
You already told us that the old geezer's name was Cheese Slice, you don't need to have that first part.
Cliche love at first sight clumsy scene? Check.
Logical flaw detected. Reason: in your description it was said that this bitch had no friends, only acquaintances.
Not really, no. That, however, doesn't instantly make it a good thing.
Yeah, in all reality I really don't care. I'm not interested in this character as the story so far has contained nothing of any substance. There's almost literally nothing of any value here, no interesting story, no interesting characters, no interesting conflict, no interesting anything. All this said, I'd suggest getting help and learning how to write better. You've got the formatting and grammar down, all you need now is the substance.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
11/10 i cri evertim ;_;
I saw that coming an inch away
3130458
I slept in a sweater several times.
3130157
One can never be prepared
3130149
Hey look. It's me, that guy in Skype.
3130458
<.<
>.>
(\ Steals brohoof
3130075
It's a he since most pears are male due to their genitals coursing through one's blood stream