The Griffin Kingdom was devastated during the recent and failed war with Equestira. Left on their own, the griffins must find their way as they struggle to rebuild their home. With the nation divided between practitioners of the new parliament system and loyalists to the old monarchy, Eriviara Orn Vorastrix, finds herself in a prime position to take advantage of the growing tensions. She's determined to bring the Kingdom to heel, even if she's 'only' a female and, according to many, unfit for anything besides being a 'nest tender.'
This is a tale of the Griffins from the world of Dusk Quill. The events of this story take place directly after the events of The Griffon War: A Soldier's Memoirs.
Chapters (3)
I like this! The writing is quite good, so far.
There are a lot of new characters to keep track of, though. I kept finding myself forgetting how they're related to each other, or what their shared history is. I'm not sure how you could better convey this, but maybe if, in some spots, instead of saying their name, you use "his sister" or "her old commander", or little things like that, to remind us how they know each other.
The other thing was that I found myself liking the first chapter a lot more than the prologue. I almost think it might work better without the prologue? If nothing else, maybe change some of the exclaimation points in the first few sentences into periods -- they felt odd.
So, yeah, I like the concept, and the cast, so far, and the writing is quite good!
3235907 Points taken, I'll be sure to try and keep it clear who's related to who as I go on and when I come back to for my final sweeps.
As for the sole purpose of the Prologue is simply to set the stage. Give the world it's basic back drop and set me up for my next chapters.
Thanks for the feedback and I hope I continue to deliver an enjoyable experience!
A very well-written side-story that could use a lot of cleaning up in the grammar and spacing department. I can help with that. Otherwise, the idea and writing itself is competent.
Silver out!
You know, I faved this when I was looking over it the first time... Guess it doesn't take unless it's published. Huh. Oh well, justice has been done now.
3363529 I think you mentioned not being able to favorite something until it's published after I sent the 2nd to last draft or so to you.
The going is slow, but I think I can get the readers something they'll enjoy.
I think you mean "out across on the floor."
I think you mean "what you've got".
I think you meant "Flint".
It's pretty cool seeing the aftermath of "The Griffon War" from the Griffon's perspective. All these multiple parties vying for power might give this a bit of a Game of Thrones vibe. Not that I know anything about Game of Thrones. I have neither read the books nor seen the TV show. I wonder how this will play out within the rest of the Skyfall series. Anyway, this looks promising, and I look forward to more of it coming up. Keep up the good work.
4762348 Thanks. I will be sure to fix those once I've taken care of Chapter 2. ^_^ I went through this pretty throughly before posting it, but it just goes to show why it's a good thing to have a lot of editors taking a look at your work.
As for the story itself I'm glad you've been enjoying it.
I'm hoping to get chapter 2 out before BronyCon and there shouldn't be any reason I can't do that. I'm simply slow when it comes to writing. I hadn't considered Game of Thrones when writing this, but that is an apt comparison. At least with the different factions. I've drawn a lot of inspiration from a lot of different things (both real life and fictional) so I wonder if you'll be able to see where I'm getting ideas as I continue!
Speaking of which I should probably get to Chap 2! I'm not letting another week slip!
4764567 The Russian Civil War!
4764958 I guess you'll just have to wait and see.
4764958 Oh-and I fixed the things you found. Thanks again.
4765105 You're welcome. It's what I do.
I think you mean just "Greyleck nodded".
I think you meant "Eriviara".
Okay, enough with the Word Crimes.
As I said before, it's great seeing the Griffons' perspective. I like the world-building given to them here, something that couldn't really be done in "The Griffon War" or subsequent Skyfall stories. My only question is where the heck to you get these names from?
I get a Nordic and Germanic vibe from them in line with what we saw in "The Griffon War". Anyway, I look forward to reading more of this hopefully soon. Keep up the good work. 
Still a lot to keep track of, but I'm liking it.
4779014 Thanks! Glad you liked it, and I've been pronouncing it as "Ge-mey." It's a word I made up based off the German word for Secret (which is geheim). Gemiehe supposed to be a soft sounding word, something that you'd whisper. At least that's the inspiration that inspired the word.
4797699 There is a lot going on, and I'm trying to keep things structured so it's easier to follow. Unfortunately the long pause in between posts does make that a bit more difficult. I am hoping to not have such a long wait for the next chapters. So here's hoping!
4783046 Ah, yeah I'll fix those. Thanks!
I hope I can get the next chapter out in a decent amount of time, instead of an absurd wait. Glad you've been enjoying it though!
And the names come from a mixture of things. A number of them are german origins, such as Gemiehe (It's a word I made up based off the German word for Secret-which is geheim). Eriviara and Nelan are a bit different though. Their first names are actually elven names, which helps make their names stand out and give them that extra bit of difference. Eriviara and Nelan are much softer names than Gallar, Greyleck, or Calack. Obviously not all my names follow that rule, like Meriar, but it's the gist I go with.
4815291 Is that Elven as in Lord of the Rings Elves?
4815315 No, at least not directly. It's a mixture from Dungeons and Dragons and Warcraft. However, I could see both of those taking ideas from Tolkien-he is pretty much the grandfather of the modern day fantasy.
He would deal with those issues late.
He would deal with those issues later that day.
What about the daily lives of griffons that already live in the Equestrian nation? Please show us how these griffons are treated by the ponies after the pony vs. griffon war.
The show has griffons living in the Equestrian nation. In the episode, “MMMystery on the Friendship Express” the twenty-fourth episode of the second season, we see Gustave le Grand a male griffon baker that appears to be an Equestrian citizen.
static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/4/4a/Confident_Gustave_le_Grand_S2E24.png/revision/latest?cb=20130421180851
In the episode “Rainbow Falls” is the tenth episode of the fourth season, we see three griffons training for the Equestria Games. As these national games are for only citizens of the Equestrian nation, these griffons must be Equestrian citizens.
static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/f6/Pegasi_and_griffons_training_S4E10.png/revision/latest?cb=20140120132140