The Mailmare

by theamberfox

Chapter 5

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 5

As we made our way into the dining hall of the great palace, a room filled with so many tables and chairs it would make your head spin and possibly even fall off your neck, I began to reflect on my predicament. Yes, I had managed to convince Princess Celestia that I was indeed Twilight Sparkle, her one and only star pupil, but for how long? Trixie seemed to believe that we didn't have much time left and the only way we could preserve my facade was to keep the princess saturated with expired juice, or as they had dubbed it, 'wine'. And though I did not truly understand her reasoning, I decided to trust in my friend's presumably greater judgement and follow her lead. But keeping the princess full of wine was a goal and like every goal, there were so many things in our way, preventing us from advancing along the path of glory.

The worst of our problems were created by Princess Luna, Celestia's well-dressed sister and the famous 'guardian of the moon'. She had seen right through my disguise and for some hidden reasons I could not possibly hope to understand, she was almost immediately disgusted with me. Not only that, but she had made it her objective to reveal my true identity to the world and throw me out of the party, ignorantly condemning our world to the reign of Twilight Sparkle, a terrible tyrant, a conniving thief and a loathsome philosopher.

So when it had come time for our fair Celestia to get another drink of wine, it was only natural that Luna had ordered the guards to take it all away and thwart our genius. And though both my companion and I had tried to stop her and save the wine, our efforts had been hopelessly futile.

So with the wine gone and the events of the night quickly rolling into motion, Trixie and I approached the table ahead of us with our thoughts swimming with worries over how we would keep enough drink in Celestia's belly to last the night. Indeed, we were both so preoccupied with our concerns that we hardly even noticed the event that was unfolding right there in front of us.

"Where did thou get that!?" Luna demanded.

Celestia was sitting at the head of a very long table, right beside where I believed her sister was supposed to be sitting. But her sister was not sitting, she was standing, glaring at a glass of crimson liquid on the table.

Celestia pointed at her sister, waving her hoof mere inches from the moon princess' nose. "Well, you know what they say Luna, 'One for the road, two for the...'"

The white alicorn stopped abruptly.

"For the...." she repeated.

"Celestia, thou art so drunk thou can't even finish thy sentences! We demand thou stop drinking that insidious wine!"

"No, no! I remember!" Celestia bopped Luna gently on the nose with her hoof. "Two for the princess!"

Luna was momentarily stunned. "One for the road... Two for the princess..."

Celestia nodded enthusiastically.

"How does that even make any sense?" Luna asked. "It doesn't even rhyme."

"Oh, well you see, you get one for the road, like if you were gonna go somewhere," Celestia explained as she waved her hooves wildly in the air, "and then you gotta give two to the princess, but I am the princess, so I get all three."

"What? No, we meant-"

"Oh, hellllooooo there Twilight!" Celestia slurred. "You and your friend with the funny, pointy hat-thingy can sit right here, right beside your friendly neighbourhood princess."

She pointed to a spot at the table where two ponies, most likely a husband and his wife, were sitting. However, upon setting sight on these two individuals her immediate reaction was to grow wide-eyed and delirious.

"Woah!" She gasped in shock. "When did you get here?"

The husband, a bright green stallion with a sharp yellow mane and tail looked to his wife and blinked several times. The mare, a pale pink pony with a long white mane and tail returned the expression.

I thought their confusion was perfectly understandable. That stallion was almost certainly the most ridiculous and outright repulsive combination of colours in all of Equestria. Piercing green and yellow? That's just plain terrible! His wife ought to be ashamed!

The stallion turned back to the princess and humbly replied, "Um, your highness, we've been here for the last ten minutes."

Celestia hastily responded, "But what are you doing in Twilight's seat? That's Twilight's seat. Can't you see that's Twilight's seat?"

"Sister," Luna intervened, "if thou do recall, thou insisted that Mr. and Mrs. Peapod sit there."

"Pffft!" Celestia giggled childishly, clumsily covering her mouth with a hoof. "You two have PEE in your name? Why would you do that? Why would you pee in your name!?"

"And then thou made that exact same joke..." Luna grumbled, sounding very displeased with her sister.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod frowned and shifted in their seats.

Not at all swayed by the couple's discomfort or her sister's disapproval, Celestia only began laughing more loudly.

Luna smiled weakly at the two ponies. "It may be best if you both sat elsewhere..."

The two looked at each other, then back at Luna, and then nodded and got up to leave.

"Yeah, get out of here before you pee in my dinner too!" Celestia shouted.

Celestia continued to laugh, but her initially delightful reaction soon triggered a set of terrible consequences. For, right in front of my very eyes, the princess experienced what I could only imagine was a tragic and unbearable pain. She clutched her stomach tightly with one of her fore hooves and fiercely pounded the table with the other, desperately trying to distract herself from the unknown illness inside her body. Yet at the same time, she was still laughing. It was a very disconcerting sight indeed.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod seemed incapable of witnessing such a horror and they took this dramatic event as their cue to leave.

"Sister!" Luna cried out. "See what thou have done! Thou has finally scared off everypony except these two."

The dark alicorn loosely gestured at Trixie and me, obviously not very satisfied to be in our company.

Luna plopped herself down in her seat. "Why must thou be so rude!?"

Rude!? I was appalled. Celestia's stomach was going to burst wide open and Princess Luna was worried about her etiquette!? How absurd!

My thoughts immediately jumped to her rotten beverage. There was no doubt in my mind. It was the fault of that rancid drink that the princess was in such pain! But why then, were Trixie and I trying to feed her more of it!? Was it possible that, even now, Twilight was controlling my subconscious state and forcing me to do her bidding? Was I really just a puppet in her gruesome game? Had I been fooled all along!?

And what about Trixie!? My companion! My friend! Was she just another of Twilight's diabolical minions!?

Curses! I WILL destroy you Twilight Sparkle! You won't control me!

As I panicked, Celestia's pain intensified and she was soon rendered completely inoperable. She madly gasped for air and at one point, after taking in a huge breath, she drooped forward and her head crashed down against the table with a tremendous loud smack. Nevertheless, she still laughed and pounded the table with her hoof, leaving big dents and gashes in the surface of the wood.

This laughing... Twilight is MOCKING ME!

I glared at Luna with a look of shear terror on my face and pointed towards her collapsed sibling. "MY WORD! DON'T YOU GET IT!? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!? THE PRINCESS IS DYING! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING!?"

But just as soon as I had finished speaking, Trixie was hit by the same horrible plague. She too had started laughing and holding her stomach. And soon enough, she had completely lost her ability to stand upright and tumbled to the floor.

"OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! IT'S CONTAGIOUS!" I shrieked in revulsion.

Meanwhile, Celestia's injuries only grew worse. Like Trixie, she had lost her ability to balance and fell out of her chair and onto the floor, laughing with such an intensity that it could peel the paint off the walls.

"Thou art a complete idiot." Luna stated, pressing her hoof up against her face.

"BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT BLIND!" I shouted back in anger.

"Is thou truly serious!?" Luna retorted. "They. Are. Just. Laughing! Laughing, foal!"

I looked back at the two ponies incapacitated on the floor, gasping for air.

"Laughing!?" I repeated.

I looked at the horrified crowd of ponies, all just staring at us, completely mortified.

"LAUGHING!?" I repeated the word with more volume and vigour and I smashed the table with my hoof.

Luna stared at me coldly.

"Well alright then." I replied with a nod and sat down in the seat closest to me, the one previously occupied by Mr. Peapod. "I suppose we'll have to wait until they're done then."

Luna's face contorted and her mouth hung open in disbelief. It was the kind of face that a pony could only dream of describing properly. It was simply one of shock and awe and it looked really quite disturbing.

But what I found most unsettling was not Luna's expression, but that all the ponies around us, the ones who had been staring at us, had almost the very same expressions on their faces.

These ponies need to learn how to relax. They should be happy Trixie and I aren't being controlled by a diabolical tyrant!

I decided to try and start a conversation with the moon princess, maybe pass the time and lighten the mood a little. "Have you read any good books lately, your majesty?"

"No." was her immediate reply.

"I myself read a very interesting book on philosophy. Of course, I had to skim through it a bit to-"

"Shut up." she interrupted.

Why do ponies always interrupt me? I really do hate being interrupted.

Since Princess Luna did not seem to be in a very talkative mood, the next few minutes were spent listening to Celestia and Trixie laugh while I casually brushed off my suit and continued to be the victim of that impossible expression on Luna's face. I'm sure that she too had determined it would be too difficult to hear each other over the racket the two ponies were making on the floor, but I still found it very rude that she was content to just staring at me like that. I tried to ignore her gaze and instead focused on the incredible damage Celestia had done to the table. With as many gashes and dents as it had now, it was practically a war zone. It reminded me of the postmaster general's table. But I'm pretty sure he was never laughing when we met.

I smiled pleasantly. The postmaster had been doubtful of my abilities at the start of the day. But when he learns of all that I've accomplished, I'll be in for a big, juicy promotion.

Trixie and Celestia finally calmed down enough to climb into their respective seats, their eyes wet with tears and their hooves slightly bruised from their incessant pounding on the floor. Celestia took a brief sip of her wine, which had miraculously been left untouched by the whole event, and Trixie straightened out her hat and her long silvery mane. Both ponies giggled periodically.

"Ha... ha... Ohhhh..." Celestia wheezed. "Alright then. I've really got the munchies now! Who's up for some food?"

Luna's bizarre expression had finally turned back to normal, but she still seemed a little stunned. Trixie appeared to be on the same boat and she just sat there beside me with a huge smile on her face.

"Capital idea, your highness!" I boldly exclaimed.

"Hmph! Capital idea..." Luna mocked quietly and looked away.

Celestia began waving her hoof in the air childishly, attempting to signal one of the waiters over to our table.

With both the princesses distracted, my companion took the opportunity to speak her mind and whispered in my ear, "You know, Trixie is really starting to admire the princess when she's drunk. She's certainly more entertaining than Trixie was expecting."

"Yes, I too have grown quite fond of the princess." I whispered back. "She has admirable leadership qualities. Though I am beginning to question her sanity. I fear that Twilight Sparkle has already contorted her mind beyond repair."

"Yeah sure, whatever..." Trixie raised an eyebrow.

My superior wisdom and intellect seemed to have soared above Trixie's head. It was truly a pity she did not share the same deep understanding of our situation.

"Look, let's just make sure she stays this way." She said with true sincerity. "From what Trixie's gathered, Celestia will have enough wine to last until after the meal. But then we're going to have to find something else to keep her satisfied."

I simply nodded in understanding. I really like that hat.

I had to admit, Trixie was a keen strategist. She seemed to have a much better grasp on the 'here and now' of our situation than even I did. Combined with my powerful foresight and profound perception of our ultimate goal, we made an excellent team.

I turned my attention back to Celestia, still waving her hoof. It seemed that she had at last garnered the interest of a particularly stout waiter in a dark blue blazer, who came rushing over to the table as fast as his little legs could carry him.

"Are you all ready to order, your highness?" the waiter eagerly asked.

His voice had a predominantly irritating quality, like he was overly happy just to be alive and standing there in front of us. He was much too peppy for my taste. He was practically oozing pep. It was as if he had stolen the pep from every other pony in this room and shoved it down his throat, like some kind of monster that fed off of pep and pep alone.

I casually shoved my pep beneath my seat. He's not getting any of my pep!

Celestia lowered her hoof and grinned. "Yeah, I'll have the potato salad."

The waiter gave her a blank look. "Actually, your highness, there is no potato salad on the menu this year, but I am sure the chefs would be more than happy to-"

"Oh no." Celestia waved her hoof objectionably. "I said no substitutions and I mean it! I don't want to have to lay a big, fat steamer in my own meal!"

The waiter, who seemed to be stricken with instantaneous paralysis at this statement, looked to be having a wonderful time imagining that scenario. His face turned the most luscious green, a colour I've only ever seen on a pony's face once before, when Creme De La Creme, a prestigious food critic was tasting my cabbage bran muffins for the first time. It was a real shame, because after she tasted my exotic delicacies, she refused to give me her review. She just whined and complained about having to go to the hospital. Honestly, I thought she was simply being lazy and that interesting green expression was just a well-played act. Ponies of considerable importance and reputation, such as herself, develop the most obscure ways of avoiding any and all work.

But since I'm such a compassionate and understanding pony, I played along with her game and went to visit Creme De La Creme in the hospital the very next day. I even brought with me a basket of freshly baked cabbage bran muffins, hoping she would reconsider giving me her review.

Long story short, I'm not allowed to visit ponies in the hospital anymore.

"Ok, so I'll have the egg salad." Celestia smiled.

The waiter coughed once, letting the colour return to his face before he spoke. "Um, your highness, there is no egg salad either."

Celestia slammed her hooves against the already battered table. "Well what in Celestia's name do you make in that kitchen, lad!?"

I tapped Trixie gently on the side and whispered in her ear. "She's not allowed to do that. She can't use that expression!"

Trixie just shrugged. "Why not?"

I was much too distraught to answer my companion's question. Celestia had used the forbidden expression!

"Pardon us sir," Luna said, "but perhaps you could just read us our options? Celestia seems to have eaten our menus."

"Eaten them, your highness?" the waiter asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Yes." Luna clarified with a look of frank frustration. "She was upset there were no appetizers, so she ate all the menus."

"And they were terrible!" Celestia shouted. "They tasted like cardboard. Your head chef should be ashamed!"

"Uh... right. I'll... I'll tell him that." The waiter stared back at the two alicorns in disbelief. "Well, tonight we have five options available on our set menu. The first is a wonderful pumpkin and squash soup and that comes with a small dinner roll in either sourdough or rye."

"And that's food?" Celestia asked.

The waiter didn't seem to know whether or not he should be offended. "Yes."

"OK. I'll have that."

"Of course, your highness." the waiter replied. "Would you prefer sourdough or rye?"

"What?"

"Would you prefer a sourdough or rye dinner roll?"

"What in Celestia's name is a 'dinner roll'?"

I jabbed Trixie in the side. "Did you hear that!? She did it again! It's like she doesn't even care!"

"So?" Trixie said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Trixie thinks you're overreacting."

Overreacting!? Why the very notion that a pony wouldn't care about the forbidden expression was abhorrent. If anything, I should have been reacting more strongly to Celestia's nonchalant utterance of the forbidden expression!

"Uhhh... It's just a small piece of bread, like a bun." the waiter answered.

"And it's food, right?"

"Yes."

Celestia looked around in bewilderment. "Why in Celestia's name do they call it a dinner roll?"

"Ahhhh!" I yelled, squirming around in my seat and clutching my chest.

My heart was pumping so fast it felt like it was going to explode.

And then I remembered about the maple syrup, that bottle of beautiful amber liquid I had taken from the guard at the door. I remembered about my addiction, that horrible feeling of always wanting more. Some part of me knew that I shouldn't resort to drinking that sweet nectar. Some part of me knew that I couldn't return to that life of misery and regret, but that very same part knew that I had to do something to counteract the effects of the forbidden expression.

My hoof reached for the bottle...

"Are you going to be okay?" Trixie asked.

I gasped. "The world is... fading..."

It was like the whole room was filling with a dense fog. The forbidden expression had been uttered too many times! I was losing my grip on reality!

My hoof fell on the smooth, glass surface. I gently caressed the long, slender neck of the bottle and started to pull the container out of my pocket. I can't believe it... After all these years...

The waiter glanced at me for a moment before looking back at Celestia and finally responding. "I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that, your highness."

"And you call yourself a waiter? By Celestia, what have you been doing with your life?"

"Auugghhh!" I screamed in pain.

I rolled around in my chair and moaned. That had done it! My heart had finally burst and now the little pieces were just swimming around in my body, like little tiny fish. Except they weren't fish, they were pieces of heart!

"I'm... sorry..?" The waiter, no longer visible through the fog, seemed to be speaking in my direction. "Is she going to be alright?"

The fog had completely closed in around me. I was going numb. I couldn't even see Trixie's face!

Well... that's a lie. I could see Trixie's face, but it looked more like a shrub than a face. It was like one of those garden sculptures that ponies cut into shapes with chainsaws. It was all leafy and green and covered with little specks of red from the mistakes the sculptor had made.

And then the worst possible thing happened... I realized that all my efforts to reach for the bottle of delicious syrup in my pocket had been in vain... I remembered that ponies cannot grab things with their hooves. We lack the necessary flexibility and dexterity to do that.

I pulled my hoof back out of my pocket, leaving the bottle of syrup still inside. Well that's unfortunate...

Celestia chuckled frivolously. "For Celestia's sake, Twilight, get a hold of yourself."

"UUGGGHHHH!" I groaned painfully and fell out of my chair.

~

I don't honestly know what happened after that. I think I must have passed out. All I know is that I awoke on the floor several minutes later with a very sore noggin. I also decided that it would be best to blame Twilight Sparkle for everything. That tactic seemed to be working well for me.

"Oh, you're finally awake." Trixie grinned down at me from her seat. "We were going to do something, but we ended up spending the whole time arguing about why you passed out instead. Then the waiter got impatient and told us we either had to order food or actually do something to help you and... well, we were pretty hungry..."

My vision was still a little blurry and my head was pounding, but I swore something was missing from Trixie's usual appearance. Eyes? Nope, those are still there. Torso? No, that's still there too. Hmm...

"What... what happen?" I stuttered.

With a sincere expression, Trixie replied, "Somebody set up us the bomb."

"We get signal!" Celestia shouted at me, a full glass of wine sloshing around beside her.

I must have still been a little dazed, as I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. They seemed to be speaking with very poor grammar on purpose! It must be Twilight Sparkle's fault!

"What?" I asked.

I did realize that Celestia was now wearing a top hat identical to the one I had on. This situation is growing odder by the minute... Perhaps if I add one to the situation, I can even things out a bit.

Princess Luna leaned over me with a very displeased look on her face.

"Main screen turn on!" Celestia yelled, the undersized top hat wobbling on her head.

"It's you!" I said, glaring hard at the moon princess.

She frowned at me. "We have no words to describe the idiocy of this situation."

I felt like I was even less informed than I was when I had first woken up. And adding one had not helped my situation. It was still very odd. I really am terrible at math...

Noticing my puzzled expression, Trixie chuckled softly and smiled. "The general consensus was that you couldn't handle hearing Princess Celestia say her own name in a common expression."

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. "What?"

"You know, like 'What in Celestia's name?' or 'by Celestia!'?"

"Celestia was saying that?"

"Yeah."

"She's not allowed to say that."

"Why not?"

"It's very clearly written in the constitution!"

Trixie shook her head. "What are you talking about?"

"We had almost forgotten about that ridiculous old scroll..." Luna admitted with a very upside-down smile. "When Equestria was founded, the alicorns signed an agreement that said we couldn't use our own names in those expressions."

"Really!?" Trixie asked, fixing a confused stare on Princess Luna. "Why would you-"

"Don't ask." Luna said.

"Well, what are the repercussions of violating the constitution?"

"Celestia must pay the offended pony a total fine of three whole bits."

Celestia threw her hooves in the air dejectedly. "I can't afford that!"

Trixie's ignored the princess' remark. "That's... that's not very much money..."

"It was a significant sum of money a couple thousand years ago." Luna corrected. "The constitution has never been updated."

"What else does the constitution say?" Trixie asked.

"Actually, that's it." Luna said. "And that's the only written constitution in all of Equestria. And it's not that we wouldn't sign anything else or you go the short end of the stick... You ponies just didn't want anything else from us. You just didn't want us using our own names in those expressions. In fact, you could have cared less if we sold you all into slavery."

"Oh! We should do that, Luna." Celestia grinned. "Tomorrow, you and I will wake up early and sell all of the ponies in Equestria into slavery. Then I can pay Twilight! And we can have a picnic! And go bowling! And eat burritos!"

"Art thou really suggesting we sell the entire population of Equestria into slavery for only three bits?" Luna asked with a hint of scepticism.

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck. "You think we could get more than that?"

"Thou really are drunk, sister." Luna said.

"Drunk with awesome ideas!" Celestia countered.

Luna said nothing.

"Anyway..." Trixie turned back to face me. "Celestia agreed to stop using those expressions on one condition... You had to give her your 'totally tubular' hat. Though, apparently it was your constitutional right not to have to endure those expressions, so it seemed like Trixie traded away your hat for nothing..."

"It really is totally tubular." Celestia was ecstatic.

The white alicorn leaned back in her chair, trying to get a good look at the hat on her head. However, she didn't seem to realize that it was physically impossible to look at a hat you are currently wearing and just kept leaning further and further back until-

CRASH!

Luna planted her hoof firmly against her face and sighed loudly.

But if she has my hat, then... I reached up to feel the crown of my head. But instead of feeling my bare mane as I had expected, and feared, I felt something else, something different...

Trixie looked at the princess stumbling around on the ground and then back at me. She grinned curtly.

"Did you not expect Trixie to have a plan?" She shook her head slowly. "Trixie is offended by the very suggestion! Nevertheless, she will let you borrow her hat for the rest of the night."

"I'm alright!" Celestia reassured as she got back in her chair.

My eyes lit up. "You mean... I get to wear your awesome hat!?"

Trixie squinted her eyes at me. "Only because Trixie doesn't have any better options right now..."

"WEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I squealed and pulled the hat further onto my head.

It was a really awesome hat.

"Don't you dare wreck that hat, Hooves!" Trixie glared, pointing her hoof at me sternly.

With a massive grin plastered on my face, I got up off the floor and sat back down in the seat beside Trixie. I had no plans on destroying such a wonderful hat and, albeit temporary, gift from my new friend.

I proudly saluted Trixie. "I shall guard this hat with my life."

"Wait..." Luna squinted her great eyes at me. "Trixie, you called her 'Hooves'!"

The moon princess laughed. She had a huge smile on her face.

"Thou heard her, right sister! Haha! We knew she was a fake and there is thy proof! The butter on the cake! The icing on the bread!"

Trixie pointed her hoof at the dark alicorn. "Trixie doesn't think you're using those expressions correctly..."

"Not one pony cares, foal, because thou uttered this impostor's real name!" Luna giggled. "Now, get out of our sight! Thou have lost!"

"Is that true, Twilight?" Celestia looked at me. "Are you an impostor?"

I was in terrible danger of losing my false identity! But I had a plan... I always had a plan... I had... interpretative dance!

I leapt out of my seat, preparing for the most dramatic display I could muster.

"Oh no! Trixie is not letting you dance again!" My companion forcefully pulled me back into my seat. "Besides, she has a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

"Oh really!?" Luna laughed.

"It's okay, Princess Luna." Trixie answered. "Trixie knows you are too young to properly understand. She won't belittle you for your mistakes."

"We art thousands of years older than thou!"

"And yet, still not old enough to understand that age is not determined by the years a pony has lived." Trixie smiled.

"That is the very definition of age!" Luna shouted in frustration.

"Age is entirely dependent on a pony's collective wisdom and you, Luna, are still very young. But do not fret, Trixie shall impart some of her greater wisdom upon you."

Luna had given up arguing.

"Trixie called her 'Hooves', because that is her nickname." Trixie made a gesture, as if she was expecting a round of applause.

"Her nickname is 'Hooves'?" Luna laughed again. "That is the most ridiculous-"

"THAT MAKE'S PEREFECT SENSE!" Celestia shouted. "They call her 'Hooves', because, she has hooves!"

"Sister! That's idiotic! Everypony has hooves."

"Nope! Sorry, Luna. I've made up my mind!" Celestia stuck her chin proudly in the air. "And you of all ponies should know: when I make up my mind, I don't change it until somepony is banished to the moon!"

Luna bit her lip.

"Okay! Get that outta here! Forget about it! It's done with." Celestia took a long swig of her wine. "Now! Trixie! I believe you were just about to tell us a story, before Hooves had woken up?"

The princess pointed her hoof at me and winked.

I returned the gesture. I still have no idea why we're doing this.

Celestia then took a sip of her wine and leaned in towards the center of the table expectantly.

"Of course." Trixie nodded. "Trixie was going to tell you a story of epic proportions, the story of why the Great and Powerful Trixie hasn't held a proper mailing address since she was eighteen?"

Celestia happily shook her head up and down.

"What?" Luna intervened. "That doesn't sound epic at all!"

"Ah, yes." Trixie nodded again, ignoring the moon princess. "Well, as the Great and Powerful Trixie may have already informed you, she was following in her famous uncle's hoofsteps and had always dreamed of living in a beautiful mansion in central Manehatten. So after she graduated in the top of her class at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and discovered her true passion in the entertainment business, she purchased a magnificent new house right in the middle of the city. It would be Trixie's very first time living outside of her parent's house and she was very excited."

Luna was steaming mad. "Thou has just glazed over nearly half a dozen more interesting stories than how thou lost thy mailing address!"

Trixie ignored Luna again, leaned forward and started waving her hooves in the air.

She breathed in and out loudly. "Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"What is thou doing now?" Luna raised a hoof questioningly.

"Trixie is initiating a flashback." she replied quickly, finally answering the alicorn but still flailing her hooves around. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"That's not how you initiate a flashback!" I loudly interrupted. "It's 'Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!'"

"Oh please, Trixie knows how to initiate a flashback and it is most certainly not 'Shhh!', it's 'Woo!'"

"No, you're both wrong," Celestia jumped in, shaking her head vigorously, "it's 'Zow!'"

"It is NOT 'Zow!" Trixie and I chimed in.

Celestia planted her fore hooves on her hips. "But have you ever tried 'Zow'?"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Luna cried out. "Ugh! Nopony cares! You're all complete foals!"

The moon princess leapt out of her seat.

"If thou have need of us, we are going to be in the little filly's room, avoiding this terrible story." Luna grumbled and stormed away.

"But Princess Luna! You can't go in there! You're not a little filly." I shouted after her, shaking my head.

"Yeah Luna! You're really fat!" Celestia shouted out and broke into a fit of laughter.

Luna picked up a nearby vacant chair and threw it against the wall. "UGH!!!"

The chair shattered into thousands of tiny pieces and several of the other guests glanced in her direction to see what the commotion was.

"Ooooo..." Celestia pretended to be afraid. "Somepony is angry tonight."

It appeared that I had helped construct a genuinely humorous situation, as both Celestia and Trixie were giggling pleasantly. Wanting to extend both my companion's and the princess' glee. I decided to add something else.

"Yes. Luna seems very perturbed, very perturbed indeed." I said.

Trixie and Celestia stopped laughing.

"How very unbecoming of her." I grinned.

Silence.

"Ooooo...." I pretended to be afraid.

It wasn't working. Twilight Sparkle must have trapped them in a temporary stasis in a futile attempt to embarrass me. Oh, you'll get yours, Twilight, you fiend!

"As Trixie was saying..." Trixie slowly pulled her eyes away from my flailing hooves and started flailing her own. "Woo! Woo!"

"Zow." Celestia corrected with a slow nod of her head.

"Trixie doesn't-"

"Just try it."

Trixie shrugged. "Zow! Zow! Zow! Zow!"

I had to agree with Celestia. 'Zow!' had much more pizzazz than I expected. It was much like finding a hole in your pocket. At first, you're sad, because you lost everything that used to be in your pocket, but then you realize that you've got a casserole baking in the oven.

And thus, we entered the mysterious realm of Trixie's flashback, a world that seemed much like the one we were in now, only with much more talking.

"It was so very long ago that Trixie arrived in Manehatten, her hopes and dreams packed tightly into her saddlebags. Late into the evening, the streets were all but abandoned. And only the snow falling from the dark, clouded sky above kept her any company at all as she ventured onward to her future."

Trixie spoke with such passionate emotion. Her words were powerful, but quaint. They seemed to wrap themselves around you, embrace you and lead you on a glorious journey.

Trixie's horn lit up and she swept her hoof across the table, a brilliant image forming in its wake. The picture moved and changed, telling exactly the same story as the one she described, a pony wandering alone through the snowy, barren streets of a strange city.

"But no weather, no lack of company, no darkness would deter Trixie. She wandered on and eventually reached the bright red door of her new house... and her new life..."

Celestia and I were sucked into the story. It wasn't only what we saw and heard, but what we experienced. We could see a great red door. We could hear the snow crunch beneath our hooves. We could smell the wetness of the earth, feel the bitter cold, touch the rugged door with the end of our hooves. It was truly amazing.

The character looked up in bewilderment and, before long, a smile formed on her lips. She was happy. She was happy for all that she worked for, all her dreams that had come true, all that simply was. And because the character was happy, I was happy too. I saw what she saw and I felt what she felt. I was there. I was her.

Trixie's words poured into my ears. "Only one thing stood between Trixie and the wonderful dreams she had longed to live. Only one thing stood in her way... a simple door.

"All she needed to do now was put the key in and turn the handle..."

A small golden key was lifted out of my bag and pushed into the keyhole. The key turned and the door opened. The image turned black and a bizarre, sickly smell wafted into my nose.

Trixie spoke again. "But though it was Trixie's dream to own and live inside that wondrous house, she could have never dreamed of the things that waited inside. The horrible, terrible things..."

I gasped loudly as a bright flash illuminated the picture and all was blinded in its light. Nothing remained but myself, lost in a great expanse of white nothingness.

But the white light soon receded and I was joined by strange silhouettes, silhouettes of dark, disturbing creatures.

Trixie continued. "Through the blinding light, Trixie could only catch faint glances of the horrible, screeching abominations around her. Their tongues were long and extended inwards and outwards like clockwork. And on top of their heads, they brandished terrible, sharp horns, like nothing she had ever seen before!"

As the monster silhouettes appeared in the image before me, I couldn't help noticing that they looked vaguely familiar. Actually, the whole story sounded vaguely familiar.

"But standing in front of her, amongst these horrible monsters, was a mere pony. A pony that Trixie could only believe was manifested from pure evil."

Standing there before me, in the middle of the room, was an ominous grey pony with a dark, charcoal mane.

Well, that's different...

"Petrified, Trixie dropped her keys and her bags, opening her mouth wide and shrieking louder than a rusty nail on a blackboard. Shortly after, the bright light dimmed before her, the noises settled to a murmur, the grey pony became a simple blurry grey object and Trixie promptly passed out on the floor."

Mimicking her actions, I too felt myself scream and the world fade around me. But when all turned black, I opened my mouth.

"You know, this exact same thing happened to me." I interrupted. "Well, except the pony was pink."

The image, the smells, the feeling, it all seemed to spark and fizzle and after a moment, it all just caught on fire. But as soon as the fire started, I was pulled back into reality and I found myself sitting there with Trixie blowing furiously on a flaming table in front of us.

"Awww... What happened!?" Celestia sniffed. "I liked that story. Very dramatic!"

When the fire was put out, leaving a smelly, smoking black spot on the wood, Trixie gave me a fierce look. "What do you mean this happened to you!?"

"Yeah! I had the same experience." I shook my head in agreement. "Isn't that weird?"

"No, that's not weird! That's impossible. This didn't happen to you. This is a very unique experience that could only ever happen to the Great and Powerful Trixie. You must be confused."

"Nope. I'm pretty sure it's the same experience."

Trixie scoffed. "Ok. Then what happens next?"

"You wake up in your new house with your saddlebags in one corner of the room. Your keys are on top of them and you begin to think that it was all just a dream until-"

Trixie and I spoke simultaneously. "you find a note on your bedside table that says:

"You sure haven’t been to many parties before, have you? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it."

Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Hey cool! Is this part of the story!?"

"Wait, what?" Trixie asked. "You actually had the same experience!?"

"Uhhh... yeah." I answered. "That's why I wore those contacts- AWWW! Now I remembered I broke those..."

It sure was difficult finding a pair of contact lenses like those. They don't usually sell the ones I buy. I think they must be imported or something, because you have to look really hard to find that fancy brand called 'Defective! Do Not Sell!'.

"Well then..." Trixie stated plainly. "Trixie hopes you're happy. You've just devalued one of the most life-altering moments of her life. She thinks she shall go cry about this when she goes home..."

For a moment, we sat in silence, reflecting on our similar experiences.

Wait... If they already ordered their food... What am I going to eat!?

"I still don't get it." Celestia shrugged. "Why don't you have a real mailing address?"

Trixie's response was far from enthusiastic. "Well, after Trixie woke up in that bedroom, she sold her place and refused to live in a house ever again. She didn't want to have to endure the same terrible experience she had in her youth.

"Trixie lives in mobile homes now. She doesn't have any problem with those and it helps her save money, not having to rent a hotel room when she travels."

"Well, Trixie, that wasn't quite as epic as you made it out to be..." Celestia admitted.

"No..." Trixie sighed. "No it was not."

"Good evening, everpyony." Luna announced, returning to her seat. "We are feeling much better now."

"Yeah, I always feel that way after I take a big dump." Celestia smiled.

"Great! Thank you, sister." Luna smiled back. "Now we don't feel so well anymore."

"Always happy to help." Celestia said.

Celestia downed her entire glass of wine. She then fumbled around, looking for more.

"Hey!" She looked at her sister in horror. "Luna, I don't think I have any more wine!"

Luna's previously defeated expression imploded in on itself and was replaced by an evil grin.

"Oh." Luna chuckled quietly, staring directly at me. "Good."

________________________________________________________________________

Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! I don't have much to say this time, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter and that you're looking forward to the next one!

My thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at [e-mail]. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.

Comments

[Seether00]

Well author, all I can say is that there is ether something really wrong with you, or something really right. Not sure, will have to wait till the next chapter. Please continue your madness.

[Arcshod]

Yes.

[Midnight herald]

This is the awesomest case of complete pony absurdism I have ever run across. And I LOVE it.
Also:
"Nope! Sorry, Luna. I've made up my mind!" Celestia stuck her chin proudly in the air. "And you of all ponies should know: when I make up my mind, I don't change it until somepony is banished to the moon!"

[Timely]

Yes, another great chapter!

Good work.
Now, please excuse me while I catch my breath.

[Turbolen7]

Oh, man. Drunklestia is the best.

[Dreamlike]

What the f*yay*. What. The. Actual. F*yay*.

Did I just take a glimpse into the mind of the Pink Pony?

Also, Drunklestia is best Princess.

[That_one_guy]

>MY FACE

i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss247/jason_is_wanted/laughing.gif

BEST FIC IS BEST

[Corona Blaze]

I rolled around in my chair and moaned. That had done it! My heart had finally burst and now the little pieces were just swimming around in my body, like little tiny fish. Except they weren't fish, they were pieces of heart!

.....Except they weren't fish, they were pieces of heart! ......

.....pieces of heart!.....

....dammit, now I'm picturing four quarters of a red glass heart stuck in ditzy/derpy's chest....

Damn you LoZ, DAMN YOU!!!!!

[gato]

I haven't read something so ridiculous since Gintama.

I love this fic!

(And I can't wait to see how that Nightmare Moon tag on EqD becomes relevant)

[djthomp]

"But Princess Luna! You can't go in there! You're not a little filly." - I nearly died after reading this line and the part that followed.

[Blackbelt]

Everyone acts crazier and crazier as each chapter passes.

And a grey Pinkie? Freaky.

[Shabamb]

584817 It was Inkie, duh!

[theamberfox]

584923 Hooray! Someone got the obscure reference!

584424 After my last fic, I don't think I'm even allowed to write a sad ending, so you don't have to worry about that.

583549 I think someone is going to figure out how the Nightmare Moon tag is relevant pretty soon. And when they do, I hoped they don't tell anyone.

583364 My editor made that same observation.

[Hamsterface]

Have you ever read Don Quixote? Was it an influence on this fic? I've been wondering since part 1, Derpy's character reminds me so much of Don Quixote.

[theamberfox]

586043 I have not, actually. Although, I've been trying to find a good book to read, so I might pick it up.

I originally set out to write a story about Derpy being a kind of stooge, not really all that intelligent and constantly messing things up. However, as I started writing, I found it extremely entertaining to make Derpy's narration much more sophisticated and thought-provoking than she really deserves. After that, everything else just seemed to fall into place.

There's a comment on here that suggested I was imitating Hunter S. Thompson's style of narration, to which I admitted I was indeed. Although, as of the last three chapters, I've drifted away from that a bit.

[zapmunk]

Zow!

[Redbush]

so awesome!

[Frostwyrm]

And then flashback noises!
Woo! Woo! Zow! Shhh! Zow!
Another random bunch of words I don't understand!

Great chapter, keep it up!
Frostwyrm

[Periphery]

I don't know how I haven't already said this yet, but this is easily my favorite portrayal of Derpy that I've seen.

[Alondro]

Derpy, the world's most intelligent dimwit.

[RTStephens]

How odd the way Derpy calculates math. It even makes a twisted sort of sense.

I'll stop with the puns now.

Once again, I'm giggling my butt off at all the silliness going on. It's stories like these that really lift my day!

I'm waiting for the moment when Luna completely loses her stuff. It will be glorious.

[Dubs Rewatcher]

"I had to agree with Celestia. 'Zow!' had much more pizzazz than I expected. It was much like finding a hole in your pocket. At first, you're sad, because you lost everything that used to be in your pocket, but then you realize that you've got a casserole baking in the oven."

oh god i can't stop laughing

[Hamsterface]

I check this daily. Certainly no rush on you, I'm sure you have more important things to do, and I wouldn't want to rush your awesome. I'm afraid rushing your awesome would make your awesome less awesome but still awesome. Is it bad that this is the one story I can read and totally understand everything correctly?

[theamberfox]

696188 Yeah, I check this daily too. I don't know what this guy's deal is. He hasn't updated this story in like a month! What a jerk!

In all honesty, I am actually working on the next chapter. I started watching 'Game of Thrones', which was a mistake. I think I must have watched sixteen hours of it over the last two weeks.
But now I'm all caught up, so I'm trying to whip myself back into shape and start writing again.

[Borg]

This is nonsense. Complete and utter nonsense. How did I ever feel uncertain I liked this story?