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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Asside from a few spelling mistakes i see no real problem,...nice story. Read it and favored it
Are you gonna continue? If so i'm curious how it will develope, though i hope Fluttershy won't be hurt to much, maybe a ballgag in the near future?
Added to the Brony Foundation of the Arts to-do list
Oh, uh... Nice try, I guess. I don't often read clopfics, nor do I often read grimdark fics. This is probably the first serious rapefic I've ever read. Anyway, there's a ton of grammatical errors, and you need to put a lot of work into your punctuation. Make sure to keep punctuation inside the quotations, and use question marks when needed. Also, there are some unnecessary capitalizations of random words. I'll point a few out, there are many more mistakes, but these should be some good examples.
>“Keep doing that, with your tongue!”.
You don't need that period after the quotation, you already used an exclamation mark.
>Fluttershy Trembled.
"Trembled" doesn't need to be capitalized.
>“Um... hello... I seem to be tied up, can somepony untie me, if that is okay with you”. Fluttershy squealed at a barely audible volume.
Very awkward. The period should be inside the quotations, an even then, she's asking a question.
Anyway, good try I guess. I haven't read any other chapters, nor do I plan to, but maybe you've written them better. Not going to criticize you for writing a rapefic or anything, do what you want, but re-write this with proper grammar and punctuation, and it's probably going to be a ton easier to take seriously.
In other news, here's my reaction to the part when Fluttershy started blowing her captor.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/191/809/me_gusta_mucho_by_megustamuchoplz-d416uqk.png?1319690633
It's...ummm, really weird and pretty disturbing on some parts but I strangely can't seem to stop reading
Really good writing, very captivating and I will definately track and fav your work
Keep it up!
'...torture he could imagine to her. A torture worst then pain.' Thats one I spotted...
apart from that pretty damn good!
I'm going to catch up on this story today.
He just look another long sniff of her marehood and then moved away.
''look would be ''took'' no?
and this is asome!... i always liked fluttershy.. but this made me love her ^///^
WHY FLUTTERSHY WHY NOT RARITY I MEAN SHES MISSES PERFECT for crying out loud
It's not rape if she likes it.
Seems good bro! It's an original, and daring idea and I applaud you for it! Well-written!
I'd mostly tell you to watch out for word repitition. "She was on the end of it so her flank hung off the end." "spiked collar...spikes...spikes." "Fluttershy opened...Fluttershy attempted...Fluttershy started" etc. pronouns like 'she' and 'her' are much less noticable when repeated often, try to keep using her name to once per paragraph, and use more descriptive terms like "the yellow pony", "the frightened mare", "the pink-maned pegasus", etc.
Also, try to remember and focus on "showing, not telling" and being more descriptive sometimes. For example, a sentence like: "She did like the taste of the liquid in her mouth, but she did not like being so deeply penetrated." is basically just telling us how she feels, which isn't as interesting as conveying her state of mind through more description. I'd rewrite that sentence to something like: "The timid pegasus savored the treat drooling from her rapist; despite her physical discomfort, there was something strangely satisfying in the musky taste."
And lastly, when you write something like '“AHHH YES!” Yelled the mystery pony.' you don't have to capitalize 'yelled'.
I like it!
The rapist makes me wanna say that it Iron Will. I dunno, I just can't help but think it. lol
Erm.... this isn't that well written...
I'm afraid I have to agree with some other statements. I just can't get into this one.
These are her emotions.
These are mine.
There should probably be a Pinkie Pie and cutie mark crusader rape too
1286506
Got to pastebin amd look up Rape_Train
he has tons of that shit
I'm not sure why this fic has so many downvotes. There dont seem to be any problems with how it is written, and everything is well described.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc9zdulr8E1r0ycx6.png
Dis gun be a good fic.
Esophegus has Android o in front of the e. And yes i doubt that i spelled it right but i dont care. I just know that the o aint supposed to he there. And if i sound rude im not meaning to.
Is it wrong to enjoy this?
Is it bad that I find this hot?
2144737yes, yes it is
504908she doesn't
this is such a good but crazy story... I read the whole thing
now I see this faces with a different look
MY POOR FLUTTERSHY!!! But I don't blame him at all for raping her. Buck if I was male I'll do the same.
2979311
Whoever disliked this, I hate them.
Right off the bat.
Hugely bare-boned dialogue. 'If that's okay with you' has to be the most overused Fluttershy phrase I've ever had to read a million times in every fanfic featuring her. I swear, is it too much to at least change it up a bit? Why does it always have to be copied word for word? What's wrong with 'if you wouldn't mind' or something like that? Be unique. No one's gonna give you points for quoting largely known character lines. Come to think of it, 'If that's okay with you' doesn't even fit into the scene well. There's a difference between asking for a favour and asking for help, and even someone as shy as the quintessential shy one should, by all means, be able to know that.
Also, Fluttershy has seen horror movies? Yeah, no.
I put background music when I'm watching any kind of fanfiction because it's silent otherwise. I couldn't find a suitable music for how weird this is, so I put on this music. http://www.nyan.cat/mexinyan.php If I was thinking more I would have put THIS on http://www.nyan.cat/wtf.php#
Generic Black and red character with generic gruesome cutie mark. Generic oral slave scene. Unremarkably bare dialogue. Yup, this definitely sounds like a rape fic :D
(Sorry if that sounded overly harsh, I certainly love the concept)
That is some lackluster prose and uninspired dialogue.
I don't know what I expected...
These are her emotions ouch!
t, it made the pony raping her face even more happy.
LOOOOOL
Hey,.....good stuff here....
Have you considered coauthoring, ever? :D
Pretty good. Made me laugh my ass off.
Well then... that certainly was a thing... that happned... just now.