9. Full of Surprises
Dash yawned and stretched. I could still feel Fluttershy clinging to us, and Dash had curled into a ball. It was comfortable, but almost nauseating in its cuteness. The absolute warmth under the blanket made me wish we never had to wake up.
On the other hoof, being stuck in the back of her head could get old quickly. True, there were good moments in Equestria, but most involved me being in control. When I wasn’t in control things could get. . . interesting.
The dream we just had was a good example. In it I was giving Rainbow Dash a massage with my fingers. Normally I’d have been glad just to be in control of my own body again, even if it was just a dream. I went on to massage her and make sure it ended quite happily for both of us. But embarrassingly, upon waking up I realized that we had both had the same dream.
Still freaking out, Dude?
[We agreed not to talk about it again.]
When I said that, I didn’t think you’d sit back there brooding about it. It was just a dream, albeit a shared one. That massage you gave me felt better than a real one, if that makes you feel better.
[I’m not brooding about that. Hell, it was pretty fun. I’m fed up with being stuck here inside your head. I feel like I’m being squashed, that I can’t breathe or move. And the only time I don’t feel that way is when I’m in control. Except, each time I take control I feel more and more like you and less like me.]
Oh. Well, I can’t offer you much comfort there. I don’t want to lose who I am either, so we’ll just have to tough this out until it gets fixed. Twilight said Celestia was meeting us here. Maybe she can fix it.
[I hope so. The longer this goes on the harder it is to stay optimistic.]
I felt Fluttershy’s leg twitch, and she pulled Dash in tighter.
Ugh, we need to wake up. We’ll be at the train station any minute.
[At least the sheet dried out. Fluttershy will be none the wiser as to how much you enjoyed my massage.]
Heh, I’ll let that slide if you promise to stop brooding. We’re finally on the same page and I plan to fix this mess before we start bickering over which of my friends has the cutest ass again.
[Not much to bicker about; it’s Fluttershy, hooves down.]
I’m never gonna hear the end of that, am I?
[Nope, Fluttershy is my best friend. Uh, I mean. . . yours? Damn it.]
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sure when you get out of this she’ll be both of our best friends. Heck, I bet you’d make a cute mare if we can’t get your human body back.
[Don’t joke like that! Unless you’re planning on a three way with Fluttershy, in which case my manhood is a small price to pay.]
Dash groaned out loud and then wiggled her way out of Fluttershy’s grip.
Three days you’ve been stuck with me and somehow you’re still thinking with your dick. Twilight would be fascinated to study how that’s even possible.
She got up and stretched out, then began to preen her wings. Dash was able to quickly straighten out her feathers and hair. Fluttershy woke up long enough to roll over, and buried her head under a wing.
[Huh, I had her pegged as a morning pony.]
Dash took the covers in her mouth and slid them back over Fluttershy. She opened the train door and headed towards the restroom. On the way, she reached into her saddlebags and brought out a toothbrush and some toothpaste.
A loud horn sounded three times, signaling our arrival at the Crystal Empire. Dash ignored it while brushing her teeth with what seemed to be broccoli flavored toothpaste. As long as I didn’t burp broccoli for the rest of the day I decided not to bug Dash about the unholy paste.
Once Dash was done getting ready—and boring me to death—she put away her brush and put on her saddlebags. Fluttershy was the last to wake up and get ready, but Dash got off the train as soon as it stopped.
“Hey, Twilight, is it just me, or did they move the train station?” Dash asked.
“Oh, good morning, Dash. Did you know the Crystal Empire re-appeared nearly five miles from where it vanished? They had to re-route the train track and build a whole new train station,” Twilight explained.
“So, they moved the train station?”
“Yes. Teams from the Coltington Northern Santa-Mare railroad—”
Dash let her mind wander and started thinking about Soarin, and the many ways they could spend a romantic date together.
[Not that I’m complaining about you blocking out Twilight. I mean, railroads? Who cares? But do you really have to fantasize about Soarin while I’m back in here?]
Sorry, Dude, force of habit. One time when she was explaining how the Elements of Harmony worked, I fantasized so long about Soarin and I imagined us having two foals.
[Oh. My. Celestia. That’s way too much information.]
Heh, haven’t you ever fantasized of raising a family?
[I think that’s more of a female thing. I’ve fantasized about settling down with a nice mare—human, and starting a family. No creepy specifics.]
Dash shifted her weight to the other side of her body, rubbing her thighs together.
Yeah, well I’m in heat and foaling is all I’m going to think about, until you let me scratch that itch.
[Come on, don’t joke like that!]
Haha. Lighten up, your manhood is safe. I’m sure they’ll take you out before I give birth.
[You’re my kind of messed up, you know that? Now pay attention to Twilight. Her mouth has stopped moving.]
“Eeyup,” Dash said. She stared at Twilight, who seemed content at her answer.
“Ready to go, girls?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, I think we should head out. The atmosphere here is rather unsettling,” Rarity observed.
Applejack looked around and was able to see empty houses and vacant streets in every direction. The guards disembarking the train with supplies were the only signs of life. The conductor even parked the train right there at the station, confident no other train would need to be pulled in anytime soon. “Ah reckon we’ll need a base camp.”
“The Sapphire Inn is only a block from the train station. Flash,” Twilight called out.
One of the guards trotted over and saluted. “Princess?”
“Take a squad of guards to secure the inn. We’ll be there shortly with the rest of the guards and supplies.”
“Alright, mares!” Flash yelled to the guards. “Double time it to the inn, three teams, sweep and clear. Let’s move!”
The guards grabbed weapons suited to their race. The two unicorns levitated actual swords into their scabbard, and trotted towards the inn. Pegasi carried something akin to wrist blades attached to their forelegs. I was surprised to see the earth ponies not carrying anything.
“Why do they call them mares like that’s a bad thing!?” Pinkie said. “I never understood that. We’re, like, twice as strong as any of them!”
“You’re right,” Dash said. “You’d think a matriarchal society would hold females in higher regard. If anything, history has proven stallions to be expendable. Mares are responsible for carrying and raising the young, which could theoretically be done with a single stallion. Were the mares to go to war and only a few return, hundreds of stallions would be useless if there were only three mares left.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and she gasped. “Dash? Do you study hippology?”
“No, I had a class on anthropology, though,” Dash said.
“Don?” Twilight asked.
“No, it’s me, Dash. Why are you acting so surprised? Am I not allowed to learn a thing or two from Don?”
“No, I didn’t mean that at all! I’m just taken back to hear all of that coming from you.”
“As much as I’d like to stand here and discuss philosophy, I’d rather get going.” Rarity stated. “It’s rather cold out here.”
Dash grabbed her saddlebags and all the assembled ponies began to walk towards the nearby inn. There were several small conversations going on between everypony when I felt my consciousness shifting. It had been getting easier to detect—there was a slight sensation of déjà vu, and all the sights and sounds seemed to shift for a second. Then, I would be in control of the body. I still had no idea how to control it, but the slight warning allowed me to take control a little more smoothly. It wouldn’t be good to have another mid-flight freefall towards our death, after all.
“Whew, it’s nice to stretch my legs. Or rather Dash’s,” I said.
“Hey, Don. I guess it’s your turn to be in control. Would you like a cupcake?” Pinkie asked.
“Sure, as long as you pull it out of your mane,” I joked.
“Where else would I store my cupcakes?” Pinkie tilted her head and scratched behind her ear. She then pulled out the treat. “It’s got rainbow sprinkles!”
“I, uh. . . what can I say? You’re just so random, Pinkie.” I took the cupcake and tossed it in my mouth. The rush of sugar was amazing, but served only to make my stomach grumble. “Hmm, I suppose we should get some breakfast.”
“I brought some alfalfa bars, if you’d like one, Don,” Fluttershy offered.
“Hey thanks, Fluttershy!” She pulled out a candy bar and winced in pain. “Hey, you okay?”
“Oh, I slept on my neck wrong. One of my shoulders is aching too.”
“I’ll give you a massage when we get to the inn. How about that? I mean, it can’t be that hard to give a pony a massage.”
“Hehe, okay.” Fluttershy gave me the alfalfa snack and I ate it. The bar was much more filling than the cupcake, and strangely tasted just as delicious.
If I get back to Earth and find out I’m a vegetarian, I’m gonna walk back to Equestria and force-feed you bacon for revenge.
[Ugh, never again, Dude. You can keep your meat and indigestion; I’m sticking to veggies.]
I followed Pinkie into the inn, where I saw the guards and my friends spreading out and setting up camp in the different rooms. Before I could find Fluttershy again, Pinkie approached me. “You wanna pull pranks on the guards, Dashie?”
“Sure,” I answered. “What do you have in mind?” She had a wicked smirk on her face. As I looked at Pinkie, I realized she had just called me Dashie by mistake, not Don. I hadn’t hesitated a second to reply.
“I said hurry!” Pinkie grabbed me and tugged me in towards the first vacant room on the ground floor. She closed the door and went over to the bed. “Okay, we just have to put some itching powder in the sheets.”
“Why not short sheet the guard?” I asked.
“Oh, did you bring some shorter sheets?”
“No, you just have to fold it a certain way.”
“Like origami?”
“You know what, I’ll just show you.” I walked over to her and pulled the comforter off. I then took the top sheet blanket off and pulled it to the top of the bed. It was wrinkled and rather hard to tuck in at the top, and Pinkie just stood there watching. “You could get the other side, you know?”
“Okie dokie lokie!” She grabbed the other end and tucked it under the top. “There, but isn’t the guard just gonna sleep on top of it?”
“Not after we do this.” I folded the sheet in half, and we tucked it in. We smoothed out both sides.
“I think he’ll notice how small it is.”
“Oh ye of little faith,” I chuckled. “Come on, pull the comforter up. Oh, and sprinkle some powder in there first.”
She put some itching powder in and then helped me put the comforter on top. “I get it now, it looks normal but he won’t be able to get in until he remakes the bed, and gets covered in powder! Where’d you learn that, Dashie?”
“It’s Don,” I corrected her. “And I learned it on Earth.”
“Oh, sorry, Don. It’s just, that way you furl your eyebrows and then smirk, it’s so. . . well, you. I don’t know anypony that pulls off that look of mischief quite like Dashie!”
“I am sort of sharing her body.”
[You don’t seem too disturbed that she mistook you for me. She knew it was you when she gave you the cupcake, Dude.]
I’m just tired of worrying. I’ve been so exhausted lately. So it’s like you said, I’m not gonna worry about something I can’t control. I don’t want to end up like Twilight did with her Want-it Need-it spell, or Pinkie before her birthday party. Seriously, who talks to rocks?
[Hey now, don’t get complacent. It may feel natural but we have to remember who we are. I’m the super cool stunt pony and you’re the snarky human.]
Eh, yeah. Tell you what: let’s meet Celestia, figure out why everypony vanished, and then when we get back I’ll touch you in the tub for old time’s sake. You know, make sure I’m still me and that I can get under your skin.
[Oh god, you’re never gonna change, are you? I’ll, uh. . . consider it. just resist the urge to be me. I know it’s hard, but there can only be one Rainbow Dash.]
I shook my head and realized I was in another room. Pinkie must have dragged me into it while I was having my chat with Dash.
“Okay, what should we do to this pony?” Pinkie asked.
“Hmm. . .” I looked at her saddlebag. “How much super glue did you bring?”
She smiled. “Oh, Dashie—I mean Don, you know me so well! I have triple-industrial strength in a herd-size bottle!”
“Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: You superglue all the furniture in here to the ceiling, then climb under the covers on the upside-down bed and take a nap. When the guard comes in, freak out and yell at him for walking on your ceiling.”
“That’s so awesome! It’s gonna take a long time to glue it all up there though. Good thing I brought Gummy to help.” She pulled the gator out of her hair and set him down on the floor.
While Pinkie began her labor of love with the wooden furniture and glue products—which, for the record, I had to wonder how it was made if not from the hooves of animals—I snuck out the door.
[Wow, great thinking. I wish I’d thought of that. She’s usually really hard to get rid of.]
Why would you want to get rid of her? I bet if you asked her, she’d pull Soarin out of her mane and let you two bang.
[Har har. Now you’re just bluffing.]
Are you sure? I bet you twenty bits she’s got Soarin in her mane.
[I just. . . No, really? Could she fit a pony in her mane? She can fit a party cannon.]
I chuckled out loud as I walked around the corner into the lobby of the inn. What I saw caused me to freeze, though not in horror.
In front of me stood an alicorn easily three times my size. While Rarity’s fur was white, this one’s looked like it had never seen a spec of dirt or any other substance. It was so pure that even in the dimly-lit lobby, it was as if the sunlight was reflecting off her.
I recognized Celestia and felt the urge to kneel down. I had expected the princess to look like Twilight, and be of similar size.
“It’s good to see you, Don. I’ve heard much about you from my pupil,” Celestia said.
“H-how?” I muttered.
She chuckled and sat down, allowing me to look at her without hurting my neck. “It’s simple. Dash would not look so shocked to see me. Now. . .” Celestia’s smile vanished and I felt the temperature in the air drop. “What have you done to my little pony?”
My mouth flopped open as I searched for words. She looked menacing, and my attempts to ask Dash for help failed.
“Tia, you’re scaring him,” another voice said. A moment later, I saw an alicorn of midnight blues and blacks step out from behind the bar, levitating a bottle of scotch. “Doubtless the alien is not used to your ‘unique’ sense of humor. Like the time we once went to war with Griffonia over a bad knock knock joke.”
Celestia broke out laughing and patted me on my shoulder. “It’s true, though that particular two-week war had other factors involved. . . Don, how are you doing?”
[This is normally the part where you say, “I’m great, Dash has been super-nice to me and didn’t even care when I violated her!”]
Or I say, “Awesome, except for that time Dash showed me how to properly use a marital aid.”
[Touche. So we leave out the minutea?]
Deal.
“It’s been interesting. I mean, I butted heads constantly with Dash at first, and next thing I know Twilight says the more we bicker the better. Yet, she thinks I’m gonna turn into Dash if I’m not careful and bickering may be good.”
“I admit, I’ve never heard of two beings inhabiting one body permanently. I had a pupil once, Merlin Starswirl, who managed to astrally project himself into another pony’s mind temporarily. Though, that wasn’t truly a joining.”
“Interesting. So how’d he fix it?” I asked.
“It didn’t ‘need’ fixing. As I said, it was a simple spell. I only wish he’d left me more notes before he vanished.”
“Okay, well past pupils aside, you ever been to another planet or dimension?” I asked.
“No to both, but I know other dimensions exist. For all of magic’s power, only one entity has ever crossed that veil, and Equestria suffered greatly for it.” Celestia looked at me and smiled, putting me at ease. “Now, I’ll need to scan you and see if I can discern the nature of the magic at work.”
I nodded my head. “Sure, let me check if it’s cool with Dash.” I waited for her approval, then nodded again.
As her horn glowed I wondered if it would hurt, and shut my eyes tightly. I shivered and felt static electricity dancing on my skin. Deciding to open my eyes and see what was happening, I couldn’t. I felt frozen in time, as magic snaked its way through me.
I found myself in Dash’s mind again. As with Twilight, whatever magic spells they were casting on me highlighted my conciousness. Dash’s body turned to water, and I was the oil floating on the surface, unable to fully mix into her.
The webworks of memories became visible and I could feel a glowing white figure plucking them like guitar strings, exploring them. First Dash’s, then mine. Each memory she probed brought to mind an event from my past life. I recalled many things I had forgotten, such as my job or my pet.
Then she came to another, third set of memories: events we had experienced together. The tub, the time with Fluttershy, her bedroom, the trips into town, and Soarin. These memories connected me to her and vice versa. Faint memories lingered under these shared events, yet none of them were recoverable.
As Celestia toyed with these connections, I was able to sense Dash as if she were on the other side of a fence. I could sense her anxiety and worry and I felt the same way. To have another being in your mind felt incredibly invasive, as if I were turned inside out, naked, and on display.
Having Celestia able to read every memory I or Dash had ever had, I began to understand how Dash felt about me. I was uncomfortable having Celestia in my mind for a few minutes, yet I had been trapped in Dash’s mind for days. Just as she had only worried about her own hopes and dreams and getting rid of me, I had done the same to her. My cynicism and sarcasm alienated her, and likely hurt her, though she would bury such emotions deeply to hide them from me if it were true.
I felt Celestia withdraw from our minds and I was able to move again. My muscles were sore and I was shivering. The tingling from the spell finished and I had the urge to stretch my legs and prove I was real again, and not just a thought inside Dash’s head.
“Thank you, Don, that was rather enlightening. Are you okay?” Celestia asked.
“I think I will be. What the hell was that? It was. . . surreal,” I stated.
She nodded. “Magic to enter or read one's mind is taboo, only used with consent or for capital punishment. To have another being lay your thoughts open like a book to be read should not be taken lightly.”
“Yeah, I get the feeling I owe Dash an apology for imposing on her. However, I didn’t choose to be put in her brain. So you can pull me out now, right? And for the record, I don’t go poking around in her head, I swear!”
Celestia laughed and then pulled me in under her wing, letting her warmth soothe my muscles. “Don, I now know you as well as you know yourself. I know you had no malicious intent, even during your ‘late night’ adventures with Dash.”
[Oh shit. Kill me now.]
Hey, if you’re ashamed of that, imagine what she read in my mind.
“You know about that?” I asked.
“The memories you two have since joining are stronger than the memories you had separately. Dash’s stunts or your training in medicine are unique, separate memories. Dash doesn’t know medicine, and you don’t know how to fly. However, a memory such as taking a bath or eating lunch, you both shared.”
“Okay, so that’s bad, right?”
“Yes and no. Since there are two memories of every shared event. They’re much stronger and overwriting some of your memories from before you joined. Dash, your mind is doing all it can to preserve you both but there’s only so much room.”
I looked over at Twilight, who was listening to us intently. Next to her, Luna kept bumping a shot glass of alcohol against Twilight’s muzzle, trying to goad her into taking a drink. “A lot of what you’re saying sounds like what Twilight told us,” I realized.
“I’m afraid so. I’ll begin discussing with Luna and Twilight at once for a way to separate your memories. However, finding a place to put these memories will be difficult. Returning your memories, without a body to transport them back to another dimension to return you to your rightful home will be. . . very difficult.”
At this point I was too emotionally numb to really respond. I’d expected some glimmer of hope, and yet her statement that she could save my memories but not my body didn’t even qualify as a glimmer. What use was keeping a personality intact without a body to put it into?
“Don, please do not look so distressed. . .”
“I’m not,” I said. “I mean, I am. I just need some air. I dunno, maybe after that I’ll help with this whole search and rescue.”
“I understand. My guards can handle the search for Cadance and Shining. They likely took shelter in fear of some calamity. A thousand ponies do not just vanish overnight.”
“Isn’t this the Crystal Empire? You know, the entire empire that vanished for hundreds of years? So yeah, they kinda do. And here I thought my little body swap was strange. How do you guys lose an entire nation?” I asked.
“I hope you never meet the villain responsible for that,” Celestia admitted. “A guard will go with you. Do not wander far, Don. The empire may be empty, but we can not be careless. Something forced my niece into hiding, and it may still be out there.”
“Thanks. Well, I’m not really scared of a ghost town and I don’t plan to do more than walk around the block. I’ll be back in, like, ten minutes.”
I walked towards the door and noticed a pegasus following me. He followed me and glanced away, taking a sudden interest in his hooves. My tail continued to swoosh back and forth and I realized the implications that would have.
Poor stallion, got one of the best looking mares in Equestria in heat and he has to keep a stiff upper lip.
[That’s not all that’ll be stiff if you keep teasing him.]
Hey, it’s your body!
[And it’s you who is leading a horny stallion outside for alone time. Poor bastard probably thinks it’s his lucky day.]
Ugh, can’t we go two seconds without thinking about sex?
[Sure, after you.]
“Why is this all happening to me?” I asked out loud.
“Miss?” the guard stated.
I looked back and smiled at him. “I suppose you heard most of that conversation with Celestia?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then, I’m an alien male from another dimension. As sexy as my flanks are, don’t get any ideas, or the real Rainbow Dash will snap you like a twig.” I flicked my tail out of the way to watch him squirm one more time.
He cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
I started to trot around the block and enjoyed the crisp, fresh air. It was cold outside, yet my body was built for it. Before long, I had started to fly low to the ground, doing a few laps around the inn.
Celestia was true to her word. I saw a dozen pairs of guards fan out through the empire. A few of the Elements of Harmony were also searching, though staying closer to the inn. Apparently, Celestia wanted them to take a more passive approach, though I couldn’t see why. Since the Element of Loyalty didn’t work, that sort of made the entire set useless.
I climbed a little higher to get a better look around. The empire was massive, and almost everything was made of crystal. They had obsidian for roads, various shades and thicknesses of crystal for walls, and some wood mixed in for artistic appeal.
They were so expert at crafting the various kinds of crystal that one easily forgot almost everything around was made from the substance. I tried to estimate the value of all this crystal back on Earth. The fact they could only be formed under high heat and pressure, and that they had found such a variety, could only mean it’d be worth billions. The mines they would have had to dig to build this entire town could probably dwarf any mine on Earth easily.
I landed on the ground and heard an out-of-breath stallion land behind me. “Hey, soldier, you’re going to need more stamina than that to impress me,” I said mockingly.
[Wow, you’re insatiable. I thought you were cruel teasing me, but you’ve got that poor guard by the neck.]
What can I say? I’ve always wanted to tease someone but never had the correct assets to do so.
[It’s times like this I can almost forgive you for being such a jerk. Look at his face for me again, it’s priceless!]
I glanced back at him, and his eyes darted from my flank to the nearby wall of a building in half a second. He walked right into a lamppost in his attempt to make it look like he wasn’t checking me out.
Oh wow, I hope I was never like that as a man.
[Don’t feel bad. All men are dogs.]
That’s rather pessimistic.
[Well, you didn’t do much to improve my opinion of them.]
Hey, let’s go inside and take a look around.
[Really? You want to go inside a toy store?]
I looked at the display in the window and saw a large model train set. There were also a variety of other inventions in the window, as well as various decks of card games.
Looks more like a hobby shop than a toy store to me. Perhaps I’ll grab the weirdest game in here and play it with Twilight.
[Don’t you dare! Last time we had a sleepover I had to play Stallions and Dragons for, like, eight hours!]
Sounds like a good night.
[You say that now, but you didn’t see that look of malice in her eyes as she rolled the damn dice behind her Game Mistress screen. She’s a different pony when role playing. She had a troll eat Fluttershy!]
Oh, now that’s low.
I looked around and came to a stop. The guard and I had already entered the toy shop. It was getting a little too easy to zone out while talking to Dash. We could get hurt if I kept on walking and not paying attention to where I was going. Then again, there were no ponies here to run us over with an apple cart or anything.
“Hey, guard person, I never did ask your name. Who are you?” I asked.
I turned towards the entrance to see what he was up to. I couldn’t find him. All that was there was the train set, the playing cards, and a wooden rocking horse.
“Guard? You taking a piss or something?”
I looked towards the cash register and saw something straight out of a picasso painting.
“Holy shit, who the fuck are you?!” I stumbled backwards as it turned and looked at me. It then began to sing into a microphone.
“Allow me to introduce myself: I’m a powerful and wealthy Draconequus. I’ve been around for a million years—”
“Stole many a pony’s soul and faith. Whoopty-fucking-do.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “So you’re smart enough to parody the Rolling Stones. Now, what the hell are you?” I demanded.
He chuckled loudly and looked at me, then his frown vanished.
[Fuck! What’s Discord doing here? Did the princesses ask him to help in the search?]
“My personal favorite was leading a blitzkrieg in Europe, and you didn’t let me get to that part” he added.
He doesn’t seem apt to cooperate, what is he?
[He’s the lord of chaos. Fluttershy helped us reform him to be less evil, but I bet he’d make the whole empire disappear for a prank.]
If he did that, wouldn’t Celestia just blow him up?
[Yeah, but she’s not here right now, is she? It’s just us, so try not to piss him off, okay?]
“You’ll get no sympathy from me, Discord,” I spat. “Dash doesn’t like you and I’m inclined to agree. What do you want? Did you come here to help Celestia in her search?”
“Now you see why I love humans so much, Dash. So chaotic, violent, and quite frankly the true embodiment of entropy!”
“Look, Discord, Dash says you’re on our side. I, on the other hand, know trouble when I see it. You show up out of nowhere in an empty empire and my guard just vanishes into thin air. Twilight and Celestia didn’t mention you coming, so why don’t you pony up and tell me what’s going on?”
“You’re a little confused, I’d say. Well, it’s no matter.” Discord snapped a finger and I turned to find him on the rocking horse. “Your guard never left, he’s right here. As for what’s going on. . .”
He snapped his fingers and I found him sitting on a television. The static cleared and I began to see images of Celestia and Luna murdering ponies, and locking Discord up in a cage.
[That never happened!]
“Yeah, I know propaganda when I see it. As far as I can tell, you were evil and got punished, and then reformed. So why are you here, screwing with me? I have a feeling if Celestia were here, we wouldn’t be having a friendly chat.”
“Ugh,” Discord groaned. “Even chaos can get boring if it’s so predictable. Granted, your time here has been entertaining, Don, but instead of furthering my plan you’ve hindered it.”
“How do you know my name?”
“Quite simple. I cast a spell to kill Dash and replace her with a human, and destroy the Element of Loyalty. Unfortunately, crossing dimensions isn’t an exact science and well. . . you’re both alive, and the Elements intact.”
[Don’t tell him or think anything about the Elements! Think about fucking Soarin!]
Oh god, really? You want that image in my head?
“So tell me, Don, how do you like your new body?” Discord asked.
“Well, apparently I’m into stallions now. Hooves instead of hands. You know, the usual. How about you? Eat any good books lately?”
He frowned. “Now you’re just insulting me. And I was prepared to be civil.”
“Like hell you were. Whatever you’re here to do, just do it already. I’m not some mouse to be toyed with.”
He snapped his fingers and curled around me, floating in a circle a foot away from me. “Oh, but that’s exactly what you ponies and humans are: a plaything, a diversion to stave off so many millennia of boredom. Do you know what it’s like to count your lifespan in eons? After a while, even the extinction of an entire race becomes boring to watch.”
“So you’re some sort of emo god? You dress in black, smoke pot, and drift around the galaxy fucking shit up for fun? If I make you empty out your pockets, am I going to find a CD with My Chemical Romance on it? ”
“Well, when you put it like that being god of chaos doesn’t sound nearly as fun. I would have grown bored and moved on from this world long ago. Unfortunately, two arrogant ponies saw fit to trap me in stone.”
[Celestia and Luna. He was torturing ponies, so they imprisoned him.]
“Alright, so they trapped you in stone. What’s that got to do with me?”
“Two thousand years. 730,000 days, unmoving, in a fucking stone statue. That’s what it’s got to do with you.” He stopped circling me and looked me in the face. “One does not simply ‘reform’ after being dealt such an injustice. You can not fathom a fate worse than death, not yet at least.”
I gulped as his gaze pierced me, making me feel as insignificant as an ant. All the hope and emotion began to drain from me, leaving me numb. I could feel nothing but fear.
“When the initial spell failed to kill dash, I had hoped for my coup to become more subtle. You would slowly rot Dash’s mind away from the inside before I made a move on to the next Element. Instead, I’ll have to take the direct approach to get rid of you.”
[Don, there’s still hope! Our friends, the princess. Don’t give up!]
No, he’s too strong, he’s right. . . I’ll never get home. He’s already killed me.
[Dammit, Dude! We need to warn the princess. Snap the fuck out of this right now, we’re faster than he is!]
I felt Dash do something inside my head, though I’m not sure what. I felt a flood of emotions and felt as if color were being restored to a bleak grey world. In that second I knew what I had to do, so I spun around and kicked out with my hind legs.
There was a resounding crack as my hooves collided with Discord’s face, and I flew towards the door. In the breadth of one heartbeat I had made it halfway to the door, and freedom. Dash was right, I was far faster than him.
I heard a snap and felt something painful surge through me.
I sat upright, and felt all the blood rush from my head. I rolled onto my side, dizzy, and felt weak.
Every muscle in my body ached and I groaned loudly. I began to crawl across the floor in search of aid. I heard a meow, and turned my head to the side. A cat was sitting there, watching me intently.
“Bagheera?” I asked. My voice sounded raspy and dry, and I realized I must have had a seizure, stroke, or worse. Looking down at my hands, I counted my fingers where I should have hooves.
Glancing behind me, I saw the remains of a television that had exploded, charring the wall black. Luckily I couldn’t find any injuries on me.
“What the hell happened to me, Bagheera?” My black cat tilted his head to the side, then walked over and licked me. “Thanks, but I had one hell of a. . . something. . . and I’m thirsty as hell.”
I crawled towards the kitchen, carefully stood up, and began drinking water straight from the tap. That fucking salad had given me one hell of a nightmare. At least I hoped it did, because if I’d had a stroke I could be permanently brain damaged.
[Holy shit, did he drop the moon on us? I felt better than this when I hit the ground going a hundred miles per hour.]
My head banged against the sink and I found myself toppling back to the floor. Swallowing, I feared the answer I was about to get.
D-Dash?
[The one and only! So, what the hell’d he do to us?]
Shit, I’m starting to wish it’d been a stroke.
[Why is that?]
Rainbow Dash, welcome to Earth.
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cool, a new update
Aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Wow.
That is all I can say.
WOW.
Okay. This story just got about a million times better.
oh! that is a positively EVIL ending
update soon!
The plot thickens!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Welp, now Dash gets to be male for a while. This should be entertaining.
WHAT A TWIST!
This is an interesting direction the story just took. I like it, keeps the story interesting.
I have but only two words for this chapter.
HOLY. SHIT.
This chapter was fucking top, I'd say.
What?
Sorry. I'll keep reading now.
3275596
The editor shall be whipped post-haste.
3275595
Better than Dash and Don returning in Fluttershy's body? They'd never leave their bedroom again.
3275594>>3275584 3275511
Thanks, I know it's good when the expletives come out to play.
3275579
Next time. . . Dash pays utility bills using her new found fingers and is forced to choose between week old pizza, expired milk, and freezer-burnt hot pockets for lunch!
3275577
3275569
Dash is male, what could possibly go wrong?
3275534
Evil endings are best ending.
3275531
People keep saying it's gotten a million times better. By now, it must be a googolplex better (which is 10^10^100... which is a number so big that if the universe was that many meters wide, there'd be several exact duplicates of ourselves...)
Yeah, I hope Dash doesn't watch this or her brain may break. So much math...
3275516
It's going to be an interesting few days until the next chapter if all you can say is wow.
Heeheehee
Interesting Story twist
I can't wait for the next chapter
3275616 More whippings inbound!
I love the JB ref!
WOW! This story just got super interesting.
Good job. This is gonna be great.
In my mind there is only one fitting way to respond to this.
i40.tinypic.com/b6skcm.gif
This is all very intresting, even more then it already was.
My reactions:
Yes...
Oh yes...
HEY GUYS.
WHAT CHAPTER IS IT?
HEY, GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT CHAPTER IT IS.
PLOT TWIST CHAPTER!
There are no words for how awesome this story is right now.
In the words of Private Leonard L. Church: Oh, son of a- *world explodes*
I was kind of hoping this might happen.
I do hope that this reset the timer on their memories merging, though, because there's no one here who can help them with that now.
two words: Moar. please!
Discord seems like a real dick. In fact, he's acting like celly from My Little Caboose: Blue is Magic.
He isn't the only one with chaos magic! -clops hoof on the ground to anthrofy- Okay! now, where is my Zanpakuto?
Get the next chapter out as fast as you can!
This is torture I tell you, TORTURE!
"Hey, that's my line!"
Well...
That was unexpected...
A message to Kaidan:
"This is fucked up! I mean, it would make sense if I was 25, but seriously!"
3275763
i.imgur.com/QQTnr16.gif
Darn, and I was so close to the truth
UPDATE NOW!
OH MA GAWD!!! HAVE THEM WATCH, HALO, CALL OF DUTY, AND ALL THAT VIOLENT SHIT!!!!!
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1543504128/hE055C71F/
No. Have them watch Gamer Poop.
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/vg/thumb/1336/44/1336443279103s.jpg
3275616 o_o ... buck yes!
He'll have to take her drinking now. Then they'll have to watch some NASCAR or go to a Blue Angels show.
Kaiden, level with me. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME? Seriously I just laughed so hard I pulled a muscle. IN MY GODDAMN LEG.
Well, shit just got real.
This is incredible...frikkin' awesome.
I hope this develops faster than how Don got adjusted to Dash, I wanna see how this plays out w/ Discord...but...I hate quick endings...urgh...Just...keep the updates rollin' please+thanks! XD
[Yay, Discord doesn't do a cliche monologue where the bad guy spells his plans out in 1/2 a chapter ^^ Read too many stories with that speech]
I was expecting Discord to have something to do with it...but wow, your view on his character is...dark 0_o.
...
I LIKE IT
niceeeeee twistttttt
I follow this story from the first chapter and all i can say is this is bucking awesome
Princess Molestia to the rescue!
Seems that Fluttershy...
*puts the shades on*
...got trolled!
Emo-Discord, I can totally see that...
Oh fuck... This is gonna be good...
next plot twist, discord never sent them to earth, its just a dream sequence so discord can remove the elements since his primary plan didnt work! im so clever
Well that escalated quickly.
Damn, welp, my alternate take on the story i had just begon writing doesnt seem as cool anymore. But DIS GON B GUD
3275481
Yes. A new update. How astute of you.
Read the freaking chapter, and then comment on it. It's that simple.
There is no need for nor value to all that other crap.
3276140
Then, they get back to Equestria but it's really just the next layer down in the dream... and Dash is forced to find her way through a maze that took Discord 1,000 years to make, but is solved in 2 seconds by flying over it.
3276157
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Teal_a21929_2085825.jpg
3276152
3276134
You avatar is the same expression Dash will have when she realizes her "once in a lifetime oppurtunity" to experience sex as a male.
3276118
Thanks, it just goes to show I can occasionally do something right. That's why I love probability, the whole "given enough time and monkeys one of them would randomly type Shakespeare."
3275987
Yeah, for an ageless being of chaos that just wanders around being himself (*cough*Q*cough*) 2,000 years trapped in stone would be like, a day to us... but he's one to hold a grudge. Plus, how boring must that have been to watch flowers grow? It infuriated him even more that Celestia tried to "make it up" to him by reforming him. Still, I imagine he has enough of a soft spot for Flutters to give her an upside down house of mirrors surrounded by dragons in his new kingdom.
3276051
Twists ahoy!