• Published 23rd Aug 2013
  • 48,997 Views, 2,521 Comments

Dash of Humanity - Kaidan



Have you ever woken up as a vegan cartoon pony? I have, and she won’t shut up about it. I’m stuck in her body as our minds swap control and our memories blur. I’m not sure I can survive the rest of the day, let alone until we fix it

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---- Bonus: Dash's Journal, prequel edition ----

Author's Note:

Don waves you over. "Hey, check this out. It's a collection of excerpts from Dash's journal. All of this stuff happens before I got to Equestria. Don't tell Dash I 'borrowed' it, or I'm in some deep shit..."

"Who are you talking to?" Pinkie asks.

"Can't you see them? Right there, reading the journal with me."

"Nope, all I see is a crazy human talking to himself!"

Rests his face in his palms. "Oh, Pinkie..."


* This is a collection of short journal entries written in my blog between chapters of Dash of Humanity. All entries take place before chapter 1, and served as a running prequel between updates.

* certified spoiler free.

This is going to be so awesome!

I was at the Wonderbolts air show in Canterlot with my season tickets, so I headed back stage to tell Spitfire what an awesome stunt she did. Then, I walked into the locker room and Soarin was in the shower. I was so embarassed! I don't think he noticed, but I totally got a look at what's he is packing and damn! He's quite a stallion.

So I managed to sneak out of there and find Spitfire in her office at the stadium. She was thrilled to see me, said they'll finally have an opening on the team for me and I should be hearing from them for tryouts soon! But to make it even better, Soarin walked in!

I was blushing so much, he must have thought I was just some fan girl. So he started talking to me and I realized I didn't even hear what he was saying, I was so excited. So I went "Yeah, sure!"

And then he says, "Alright, next Thursday it's a date!"

And Spitfire had to catch me, me, Rainbow Dash, because I started to pass out! This was so embarassing, but so awesome! I totally got a date with Soarin! I've always wondered, but never been brave enough to ask.

What will I cook? What will I wear?

I'll have to go see Fluttershy and get a good salad recipe. Maybe Rarity can make me a sexy maid's outfit or something. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!

Nothing could possibly go wrong! This is going to be the Best Date Ever!

-Dash


I got caught with my hoof in the cookie jar today. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say it's the library's 'adult' section.

I mean, sure Rarity likely has a few pointers on how to make my night with Soarin 'extra special'. However, I don't want to admit to her that I, the awesome Rainbow Dash, need advice on how to please a stallion!

Except... maybe I do. It's been a long time since Flight Camp and well, I figured Twilight has to have a copy of the Pony Sutra in her library. I mean, imagine the look on his face if I was able to pull off the Inverted Cowpegasus or a Triple Bareback Unicorn.

So there I was, in the middle of her locked, 'adult' section, when in strolls Twilight to put away a book somepony had returned. It was awful! I had been touching down there without even realizing it, and she saw everything! I could barely speak, and then she gives me this grin. This 'I know exactly why you're looking at that book, you minx!' look!

I bolted past her before she could say a word and flew out of the library. I've been hiding in my room ever since. I've never been so embarrassed in my life... luckily I got what I needed. I've found the perfect way to bring Soarin to his knees on our date.

I had better go practice.


Five more days until soarin gets here. I'm excited! I finally went over to see Rarity and get her advice. Somehow she already knew. . . Twilight must have mentioned she caught me snooping, what a little snitch! By now, the entire town probably knows about me and my plans to give Soarin his own personal Sonic Rainboom.

That's neither here nor there though! Rarity said she could help! She ensures me that she has the perfect outfit for me—sexy maid, just like I guessed! Apparently guys love maids, which is better than Neighpanese schoolgirls at least.

Hey, and it's not like I hate looking girly, it's just impractical when you're as awesome as I am! I totally dress up for the Grand Galloping Gala and stuff... and I actually bet I'll look really freaking hot in the outfit! So I told Rarity to make sure I don't get cold hooves. I might change my mind when I see all the frills and stuff, but if anypony knows how to make lingerie, it's Rarity.

She also promised to give the outfit a 'trigger spell'. She says all I'll have to do is put my hoof into one of the socks, and the outfit will put itself on! That sounds really useful. You have no idea what a pain in the flank it is to get dressed in frilly stuff as a pegasus. Unicorns think we just magically put clothes on, but there's a good reason I don't run around in clothes! At least the Wonderbolts suits are a one-piece. Somepony in Cloudsdale has half a brain.

Well, not much to do now I guess. Fluttershy will show me how to make a salad later. Perhaps I can stop by Zecora's hut and see if she has any 'performance enhancers'—oh Celestia, I still feel so naughty just thinking about it. It's Rarity's fault, really. She just had to tell me about this plant that makes 'an orgasm absolutely marvelous, darling.'

I'm starting to wonder if this is how stallions feel. Then again, I'm in heat so I'm totally not gonna take any responsibility for my actions over the next couple months. It isn't my fault nature has decided to torment me night and day with thoughts of dripping horse c—sorry, I keep forgetting I'm just writing in a journal. I uh, need to go take a long bath and try to clear my head out. It's really hard to think with this dang itch.

Diary, does this make me a whorse? Nah, no way... I mean, he's Soarin! Every mare in town would love to take him for a ride. They'll all be so jealous when we get together and start a family!

Gah, that was the hormones, I swear! But he would give me such strong foals. . .


I ran into Applejack today. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without a journal. It's not like I can admit this stuff to anypony. Anyway, she actually gave me advice for the sack.

Yep, Applejack the 'honest', family-oriented, never done anything dirty in her life pony, gave me some kinky ideas.

Does everypony in this town know about me and Soarin? I mean, it's the first date! It's not like I'm easy I'm just excited, you know? There aren't many stallions in Equestria so a girl has to be prepared to stake her claim!

Anyway, I was just napping on a cloud and it drifted near her apple stand. She called me down, offering me an apple. Next thing I know, she's telling me about how a little 'rough loving' can enhance a relationship. Why, she even had Vinyl in on it! Applejack showed me how to tie a pony up the 'right' way, tying Vinyl up right there in the middle of the marketplace! Thank goodness the fillies were in school. . . because I was aroused.

And what's with AJ and Vinyl anyway? Are they like. . . a couple? The thought of those two going at it right next door to the Crusaders during a sleepover. . . Mare, I need to get my mind out of the gutter!

She left me some rope and gave me another of those annoying 'go get 'em champ' looks. So apparently all my friends are cheering for me. I bet you Pinkie is even planning a party for me. "Yay! Dashie got the fruit bats cleaned out of her cellar! Try some of the frosted carrot cake, it's shaped like carrots!"

Heh, well I supposed I could always talk to Fluttershy about this stuff. We've always been confidants. Still, when it comes down to it I'd rather put my thoughts here where they are safe. It's not like anyone could ever talk me into sharing this stuff with total strangers. They'd have to like, save the world or something to make me do that. And luckily, the only pony around here that saves the world is me! And I suppose Twi and the gals help. And by help, I mean I mostly float there while Twilight vaporizes the bad guy. . . but I'm still crucial to the process!

Hmm, I wonder if Soarin only likes me because I saved the world? Maybe I need to go get a . . . ugh. . . hooficure and make sure to look my best. Just to be safe, I mean, nopony would turn me down for a second date. He seemed nice enough when we hang out around Spitfire. . .


I don't know what to say. I went over to Fluttershy's cottage to get tips for making a great salad and. . . nothing embarassing happened.

We had a lovely chat, I borrowed some scented candles, and she helped me buy some fresh vegetables. Next thing I know we're sipping tea and reminiscing about old times. She showed me a few tricks to use on Soarin. I was impressed, though I didn't really want to ask how she knew these things... it is just her and her animals at the cottage after all. Come to think of it, that grizzly bear of hers was looking pretty jealous—haha! Nah, no way. That's ridiculous. . . right?

Only a couple more days now and I'll have our first date. For a mare in heat, I think I'm handling it well. I only had four 'baths' today. I'll have to tell Soarin to wear protection. I don't want to go getting prego on the first date! Fifty-two weeks in the year, and he has to ask me to a first date during the two weeks I'm in estrus. What are the odds? I mean, I could ask Twilight but a Cloudsdalian never asks for the odds.

Speaking of which, Fluttershy gave me some ginger roots from her garden and told me about this thing you can do with them, and it's not like I have any work to do because the forecast is sunny all week long. . . I suppose I might as well enjoy the two horniest weeks of the year and hope that Pinkie doesn't go snooping through my diary again. I can't imagine what she'd think if she'd read those notes I took on the Pony Sutra.

Then again, I bet she's had some sort of freaky cupcake fetish sex. It wouldn't surprise me to find her or Derpy shoulder-deep in baked goods with a stallion shouting "Yeee-haw!"

Heh, I'll have to remember that joke for later.


I stopped by Rarity's today, and I'm not very happy. She didn't finish my skimpy little maid outfit in time! She apologized and offered it to me for free, but I'll have to wait until the second date to use it!

I know, I'm sexy enough that I don't need it. I just wanted to be sure, you know? How many times have you heard about a mare who really liked a stallion. Then after a date or two, some other mare steals him away by putting out! Sure, my mom always told me I'm better off without that kind of stallion, but Soarin isn't that kind of stallion! I have to make sure he never forgets the name Rainbow Dash!

Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. I know last year my estrus was particularly brutal. If it weren't for my friends I probably would have gotten splinters from a barstool in my frenzy to mate. In fact, ever since I became Element of Loyalty my estrus has been rather extreme.

Nah, I've got nothing to worry about. I'll just be myself, enjoy some salad, and see how Soarin treats me. If he plays his cards right, he'll be too limp to fly back to Clousdale until morning.

Yep, nothing could possibly ruin our dinner date tomorrow!

Oh wait—I forgot to buy salad dressing! Shit! I'm runied! The store's closed, where am I going to get dressing? does he like Thousand Isle™ or Purple Ranch™? What if he wants Olive Oil and Vinegar? Red or white? Oh Celestia, I've ruined everyt—


Soarin will be here this evening, and a massive storm is brewing over the Everfree. What rotten luck! I swear, it's like fate is trying to keep me from getting stuffed!

I wonder if the storm is coincidence. Last year when I went in heat, there was also a huge storm. Come to think of it, it seems like Applejack always goes into heat when the Zap Apples are blooming. . . and when Pinkie went into heat it was during the two week long Summer Sun Celebration festival!

Well, I'll let the egghead figure that one out. I've got to get the weather team out there and push the storm back over the Everfree. Then, I'll have to rush home and get dinner ready. I swear with Celestia as my witness, nothing will stop this date from happening!

Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh.

Yeah, that's it! If I'm causing this storm, then it's my civic duty to Equestria to get rutted by Soarin until the storm stops! Hahaha! I'm twice as smart as Twilight. She can go organize the library or something while she is in heat, I'm gonna make my own thunder tonight!

Comments ( 120 )

Hehe oh wow. Just leading up to that night it was like she was begging for something to go wrong!

Yep...Don's a dead man the instant RD finds out about this. :pinkiehappy:

3743763
Thanks, and don't sweat it. HiE's always wind up on my read later list for longer than I like. I love HiE's, but my heart has been broken too many times... so I wind up admiring the story from a distance, unsure if I want to take the plunge and read it. :twilightsmile:

3742394
It's true, a lot of people use "Discord is evil" as a Deus Ex Machina. "X happened because Discord is evil."

I tried to make it a little more original through the motivation for his actions, and the god complex. He is the oldest living been known to exist in the show, ruling Equestria for untold centuries. To have two ponies rise up and imprison him... well, it would make anyone plan sadistic revenge.

3738716
I'm glad you enjoy it. I agree, Dash and Don fit together perfectly. I wanted to write to a strength, which was my cynicism. When considering "Which pony would go best with a sarcastic, witty cynic?" Dash is the clear choice. Lots of 'bravado' and acting cool, yet tempermental and sometimes unsure. Loves to prank and can dish it back out at him. I also looked at "Which pony hasn't been the focus of a good HiE yet?" FS/PP have solid HiE's. Fluttershy and Don would have been funny for the stark contrast. Apologizing one minute, knocking skulls together the next.

I too was worried about that middle arc, serving mostly for comedy and a change of pace. Still, I managed to build a little with it and everyone loved it.

And I'm glad the sequel came off as intended. You have a nice ending, that can be taken one way if you want a sequel, and another if you don't.

3735957
Kaidan, lord of Star Wars references, victim of his own lack of self-control. The force is—gah! I'll try to keep it under control. Wait, do or do not—dammit! :rainbowlaugh:

I could ask Twilight but a Cloudsdalian never asks for the odds.

:rainbowlaugh:

3743844
Yes, it is a well-known fact:
1.) Female diaries are full of repressed sexual urges
2.) Phrases like "nothing can possibly go wrong" are always the wrong thing to say.

3743867
"Dash will never take me alive!" Don shouts. "Though... I may let her tie me down to her bed," he mutters wishfully.

3743877

So Don wants to takes Dash's place in Cupcakes?:applejackunsure:

I couldn't stop laughing at this chapter....

Pinkie is looking at Don like he is crazy even though they were both floating in the Outer limits of the Don/Dash universe, beyond the 4th wall that surrounds it, in the twilight zone between our world and fiction where characters can have Meta conversations about the stories they are in. Talking to invisible readers is the least crazy thing about this situation.

Dash is so proper in her diaries. She even went the extra mile and added the TM to those salad dressings! I never do that.

3744398
floating in the Outer limits of the Don/Dash universe, beyond the 4th wall that surrounds it, in the twilight zone between our world and fiction where characters can have Meta conversations about the stories they are in is perfectly normal.

Talking to invisible people is not. :rainbowlaugh:


3744417
Written with a pen in her mouth too! Such penmenship!

Nothing could possibly go wrong!

One of the many lines that immediately tell the reader that everything will quickly turn to sh:yay:.

Yep, nothing could possibly ruin our dinner date tomorrow!

At this point, she is just begging for things to go wrong.

What if he wants Olive Oil and Vineager?

It is spelled "vinegar."

It is nice to see these finally added to the story.

So there I was, in the middle of her locked, 'adult' section, when in strolls Twilight to put away a book somepony had returned. It was awful! I had been touching down there without even realizing it, and she saw everything! I could barely speak, and then she gives me this grin. This 'I know exactly why you're looking at that book, you minx!' look!

I remember that when I was a little kid I went into the adult section of the dvd store, unintentionally. In an instant I got a boner so hard I could crack a skull with it. I just kept spinning in place trying to look at all the dvd's a the same time when suddenly a security guard popped into existence and asked "What are you doing here?". I ran faster then I can remember because I knew I wasn't supposed to be there even though I didn't know why.

An interesting way to make it look like diary, but reading light grey text on a white background was a bitch. If there is a way to change its colour without messing everything else up, I do not know it. Author's notes at least have strong grey.

And Don is dead for this.
RIP Don. :c

3744899

I used the {quote} command. and it appears as black text on light grey for me. Is most likely due to your browser or mobile, so I can't fix it... but I'm glad you still enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:

and just as she was in a rut frenzy don came along.:rainbowlaugh:

3744461

What if he wants Olive Oil and Vineager?

It is spelled "vinegar."

Clearly Dash is a bit eager.

3742394 the word discord means chaos with malintent, is that even a word? anyways Discord is chaotic evil because discord means evil chaos:trollestia:

I loved it all I really got a fill of how Dash was before all this and a lot of it had me LOTF I loved it all and can't wait to see what happens next in Dash of humanity

I have no idea what to think about the Vinyl and AJ part. I mean... it's funny, and Vinyl is my favorite pony, but... I guess I'm just partial to Octavia and Vinyl shipping. Otherwise the diary was awesome!

Dash will make Don suffer so hard for reading her journal. Or they will share a good laugh, but probably the former.

So how many people are for that fluttershy x grizzly bear?

3745581
Perhaps that's because I use "medium dark" background and it swaps the colours around. Oh well.

3749523
Ah, I have a tamper monkey script that has 4-5 contrast settings like that. I haven't playeda round with it, but the "black with white text" is a very nice thing to have when I don't want to go blind at night.


3749468
Fluttershy x Grizzly bear will happen, just not in this story... it's going to be written by "Rustle my Jimmies" for my new Year's Resolution collab. So, if you were serious.... :pinkiehappy:

3748836
Someone once suggested the potential for self-bondage, to make Don suffer. Dash ties herself up, throws away the key, knowing Fluttershy will stop by in a day or two to check on her... and Don's the one who is trapped tied to the bed. :rainbowlaugh:

3748084

Octavia and Vinyl shipping

Applejack and Vinyl shipping. Gauranteed delivery of one trussed-up horny special somepony in three days or less! It was a reference to this fic, written as an 'unusual pairing' prompt.

3747613
Yeah, I didn't realize at first when I started writing them, but it serves as a nice prologue.

3749573
Honestly, I am using the lowest brightness setting on all my monitors (as in on my PC and my mom's netbook) and, at times, reading things on white background still causes my eyeballs to melt and slowly slide down my face. Not a pleasant feeling, ya know? And then you have to clean it. Having a dark bg is a blessing on fimfiction.

I wish I had special eyes...

3749573 Should I feel ashamed or what? What is just quoting me supposed to mean?

Still no 100,000 words. :trollestia:

3749967
Just that I'm too lazy to expand all the comments, and quoted it so other people wouldn't have to expand it to see which shippings we were talking about.

Wow. Good job RD, clopping in the library. :rainbowlaugh:

3749863 use the dash background. Works wonders.

So Dash really was a virgin:pinkiegasp:

3784904 Excellent HIE right next to 5 score

If you havent read this yet Read it... it is a 5/5 Hie fic.

Hats off to you AGAIN.

hint: if your waiting for the update reread......


keep up the good work mate..


-poke-

Comment posted by frozentsbgg deleted Jan 17th, 2014

What a great read! :pinkiehappy:
The story sure had me laughing despite the fact that I couldn't take the serious parts, well seriously. :derpytongue2:
Scary thing was that I couldn't remember what made me laugh, is that a good thing?:unsuresweetie:
On a unrelated note, Discord should look into concept of forgetting and letting go. :scootangel:
I know it worked for Amaterasu...:raritywink:

Okay, Finished reading this...
Check
Removed story out of my 'read later' folder...
Check
Added story to my favorites...
Check
Read sequel?
I KNOW WHAT IM DOING NEXT!!!

Great story, I realy enjoyed it. :heart::heart::heart:
In the end you made me cry like little colt :raritycry::raritycry::raritycry:
Too bad I can upvote it only once.
You get :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Great story, I have yet to decide if I like the story better with or without the epilogue. I do know, however, that I will be reading the sequel soon. I really liked how Don handled his situation in the beginning, after the initial shock and short burst of denial he very quickly started trying to work through the problems rather than be an inconsolable mess, I also enjoyed the brief time spent with Rainbow in the human world.

dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8310-87xOC.gif

This is the first fanfic in years that I've ever found that features one of the Mane 6 in a STRAIGHT relationship! This is like a diamond in the rough! I get so tired of seeing constant lesbian shipping all the time. I really wish fanfic writers would have the ponies date stallions instead of being obsessed with mare/mare pairings ALL THE TIME. I mean, it's like EVERY RELATIONSHIP!!!! You hear me writers? Lets get some lucky stallions in here for these eligible mares to date!

Now that I got that out of the way, I enjoyed this story quite a bit. I described it to my wife as a "Pony/body swap/sex comedy" with an "American Pie" feel. I had fun reading it. The sequel is chugging along nicely too! Keep up the good writing!

4041059 Yes, but I kinda doubt he would do something "good" just for the sake of chaos.

4077581
Thanks for all the comments on this and the sequel, glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

I've really enjoyed this story. AND NOW, on to the sequel!

I really loved this story. Good work you badass writer you!!! Not your typical 'Human goes to equestria story', but a fresh and welcome take on that genre (have a mustache good sir :moustache:).

The story kept me on the edge all the time and i found myself unable to stop reading it. For the last 3 days this fic of yours became my addiction and obsession (much to my disdain for lack of self control :facehoof:).

The Story has a ton of good parts i liked: the unique and hilarious relationship of dash and don that you don't see in other human/mlp fics (being inside a pony, good one), the way don explores dash's body and sexuality (eeeeyup :eeyup:), and add to that the attitude of don to spice everything up! Simply irresistible.

My only issue with this is how Discord was made into a villian for the sake of having one despite his canon reformation, that and don's slipping out of his 'Maleness' (damn it DON! you're a guy!!) but those are just me and is in no way a bad thing storywise. I look forward to the sequel!!!!

4206408 He'd already masturbated in that body. He chooses this time to get upset that when he has a vagina it apparently enjoys being stimulated. And if that counts as rape, then when he did masturbate he raped Rainbow Dash.

But it is her body, and he's just in the backseat. You can get into rights, if she wants to masturbate in her own body she should be able to, over him just 'stealing' it for periods to do what he wants.

Love makes you crazyyy!

4329564

If it was forced, then it's rape. Simple like a pimple

4381022
He does learn to stop using sarcasm and jackassery as coping mechanisms. He winds up helping out the ponies a lot more once he comes to terms with his situation.

I love this story, and am avidly following the sequel. Thank you for the amazing prose!

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