I love getting feedback and constructive criticism. Please feel free to comment. If you take the time to comment, I will take the time to respond.
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After being abandoned by his brother, Flam finds himself turning to an old friend for help. As he starts to pull his life back together and tries make amends for his misdeeds towards the Apples, he meets the lovely Lyra Heartstrings. Just as their new bond begins to form, their family issues threaten to end their relationship before it even begins.
Written for the Crack Shipping Inc. August shipping contest.
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I'm trying to think of a comment beyond "Awesome" and or "MOAR" but nothing really seems to be coming.
You seem to have a decent grasp of these characters and your Bon-bon is especially noteworthy (since she's usually in Lyra's shadow and not the other way around).
I think I'll fave this and see where it goes.
3081383 IKR? Their invention worked better then the apple family, if anything applejack is stuck in the past!
3081512 Faster? Definitely. Better, I'd have to watch it again to see if the ponies that tasted it said it was better. The point is it worked and put out a good product. That makes the brothers far more scrupulous than the people that run the banks everyone trusts their money to.
3081383 Yeppers Peppers
No! Not the moustache!
Spike is going to lose his mind when he hears Flam got rid of his...
Another brilliant start of a brilliant story by a brilliant writer
A few typos slipped into this chapter here.
- “Not at all, that is something I was going to talk with out about.” - I'm guessing that was meant to be "with you about"
- “Just remember, you’re sleeping on this rouge’s couch." - Ah, rogue and rouge. The bane of many a story!
- "No offense, Beats.” - Not sure if that one was intentional?
Other than that, lovely stuff! There's not a whole lot of Flim and Flam out ther so it's great to see a story dedicated to fleshing out their story and I look forward to the next chapter.
Like, log out, login as another account. Repeat 450 BILLION times because this was AMAZING! Moar plz?
Wow this is probably one of the only times I have ever heard anything good coming from one of the brothers
You know what? I may be falling in love with this fic. With Flam. I just want a Rainbow Dash chapter. Maybe some romantic competition for Lyra? I dunno, just keep up the great work!
I love that line.
3089859>>3082374 You are too kind. I have a lot of improving to do. I appreciate it though.
I had a hay of a time trying to figure out what the brothers' cutie marks represented. I was looking at the two of them, while re-watching the episode, when inspiration hit. Flim would take all that he could from a deal, with his talent, leaving little behind for others. Flam would use his talent to minimize waste during the apple processing with the machine, using most of the apple productively. The line just wrote itself from there.
3084910 I try to take characters and do something new with them. The Crack Shipping Inc. group just gives out wonderful ideas all the time, with their monthly contests. I just can't resist trying to put together odd couples in an interesting way.
3084197 Thank you! Grammar checker is my friend, but after you read things again and again, things slip by even with its help. Thanks for the compliment too. I think Flim and Flam are untouched gold mines as far as characters go.
3081566>>3081564 Just wait! I'm addressing that in the story very soon. I hope you like where I go with my idea.
3081160 Thank you! For some odd reason, I've always considered Bon-Bon the serious, business pony type. To me Lyra is kind of Bon-Bon's counterbalance with her outgoing personality and odd quirks.
3091290 I like it.
Shined Shoe. I see what you did there.
You could do with running this by an editor before posting if possible. There's a lot of little grammar and spelling mistakes slipping in which is a shame!
Hmmm, seemed just a tad to quickly on them actually becoming a couple but the rest of it makes up for that
3097598>>3097459 Thank you both for the feedback. I went back through, and stomped out a bunch of little errors. I also toned down their relationship at this point. I bounced back and forth as to how far they would be in their relationship, and I agree with you. It would be a little too soon for a deep connection..
Thanks! I think these changes have really helped the story.
Why do all your fics have satisfying endings?
3115679 Because I'm big romantic at heart and I can't think of doing anything less for the characters I write. I run them through the wringer during a story, the least I can do is give them a shot at happiness.
3115822 I'm a big romantic at heart too.
I was hesitant about this at first because Flim and Flam are probably the characters I dislike the most in My Little Pony. You managed to make it work really well though and fixed much of what I find both annoying and boring about Flam. Nicely done.
3169075 Thank you! I have to admit, it took me a bit to come up with a situation that would allow me to dive into Flam's background without it coming off as trite. One good thing about the brothers is that they are such blank slates, and you can write them however you want. Another challenge was making the two of them seem believable in their motivations as far as their business practices without leaning on cliches.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad to see that you're still enjoying my insane stories.
A very lovely start, I'm so glad I get to read this in one sitting rather than waiting eagerly for more and trying to resist the urge to harass you.
So, I feel I need to point out I know nothing of beats appearance beside that he has a mane n some shade of green and is a unicorn. I also know nothing of what Flam's new hat looks like.
This is a lovely fic but you wouldn't be harmed by adding bit more description to your scenes.
Very cute and fun fic. Bravo! I love Lyra when she's not simply obsessed with humans, as it's a bit of one note thing. The hairbrushing was especially sweet and well done. I loved her mother. She felt just the right blend of stand offish and wishing to get closer to her daughter and make sure her boyfriend is an okay guy. There were plenty of scenes that had me laughing. I loved as well how Lyra is so worried about her mother and then ends up having nothing to worry about whatsoever.
Bon-Bon and Beat were also great supporting characters. Excellent foils and very sweet and endearing together. I also liked how you handled Flam interacting with the ponies he had wronged. The Apples felt especially well done and felt perfect to me.
That all said I do have some critiques. Things went oddly rushed towards the end of the fic.He gives her a brush after spending the day with her and just that day learning she enjoys having her hair brushed. Where does it come from? Also when they've not been together that long, love seems rather sudden to announce.
Lyra's reaction to Flim also feels incredibly excessive and the fact that Flam simply goes with it felt off to me. I felt it was obvious he was just trying to make sure Flam was okay and not stuck with a gold digger, though he could have phrased it better but to have Lyra literally flip him and then bawl him out with no defense felt off. I can see her starting to get upset with him and Flam explaining his brother is just trying to show he cares.
Other than the fact you really need to expand on your description in some areas (What are beats colours/cutie mark? What kind of hat is Flam wearing?
) This is a lovely piece. I'd recommend finding an editor on /fic/ or a group here and give this fic a thorough polishing and I could see it on EQD with any luck
FYI you referred to the brothers via the same name a few times.
4989261 Thank you! I'll go back and fix that.
the little hoof on nose thing is TOO CUTE!
And it looks like I just added a new story to my favorites.
I think you captured Flam's voice perfectly.
10152878
Thank you! Turning Flam into a likable character took some mind bending. I will say this for him and his brother, personality is not something they lack for. I tired to stay true to the character but insert some redeeming characteristics into him. I am glad you liked my approach.