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I'm almost tempted to make a "it's like an onion" joke, but I can't really find a way to make that work.
To me my depression is like an infected tooth.
It's infuriating, it'll fade in and out from time to time and it seems to keep a death grip on my thoughts every waking minute of my life.
I think the root of the problem has always been my grim sense of mortality coupled with my failure to look to the future and set a plan of my own in a meaningful way. This issue has only been exacerbated by my depression.
What haunts me when I sleep is the way I shut down and coast through parts that don't interest me, which is almost everything at this point in my life. Work is 8 hours spent day dreaming and college is another 3 or 4 hours spent dreading my upcoming shift. My hope for the future is bleak. I have no dirve to pick out a career and follow through, I can't bring myself to care about work and the constant cycle of dread it heaps on my shoulders.
The mundane cycle that is my life is really taking its toll and I'm not quite sure how to escape it.
I'm on the right path, aren't I? I'm in college and I've passed most of my classes with ease. I'm pulling my weight the best I can, when I can. I'm in fairly decent shape and I have a few conversations every now and then. So why doesn't it bring me any joy? Why can't lively banter be lively banter to me and not cheap small talk?
The lives that most of people in town want to live, I'm living it. Big TV, cozy bed, free time to type this up and so on, but why does it feel so dreadfully empty when I'm laying in bed at night. This train of thought that seems to keep me in a stupor always seem to bring the grimmest sense of mortality out of me.
The clock is ticking and I can't seem to find a meaningful way to spend my time. Whether it's my failure to plan ahead or drive myself forward, I can't seem to find myself a future that doesn't seem so bleak. So mundane.
If I can't see myself living a happy life that way, than what other path is there? Dying on the road? Signing myself up for the army? If I can't find a passion in something in an existence that pretty much tells us to find our own meaning in life, than what's the point in carrying on this way?
I ask myself why god made me this way, often. Someone who yearns for excitement, yet can't push himself to pursue that kind of lifestyle, someone who is so worried about wasted time that almost any plan that's made is tossed aside at the slightest hint of doubt, someone who just isn't brave enough to follow through with something, no matter how badly or pointless it might turn out. Even sadder is that my atheism runs hand in hand with my depression.
I wish that I could believe in a god. I really do. I wish I could turn to someone who could give me a little guidance. I'm getting older and my little boat is sailing further and further away from shore, but No ones telling me how to steer this thing. I wish someone would tell ME what I should instead of telling me what I need to hear instead of the typical get a job speech. I wish that I could believe that there is someone out there that made me this way for a reason. Maybe it's a test? Maybe I'll become a better man for going through this? Maybe I'll run right into what I need on my way to work? Maybe this is the hardest possible path that god could set me on and I'm just failing.
I don't know anymore.
I think that uncertainty is my greatest weakness. Bravery is probably what I lack the most. I'm not a risk taker, yet the lifestyle I'm choosing is almost self destructive to me and I just don't know how to get out of it. If I leave could I live with not seeing my parents for however long? Would they be happy with the choices I make? Am I the kind of person who can make their parents unhappy and stand my ground in that decision? And what if I end up letting myself down? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?
The worst product this depression has created by far is my desperate need to escape. A real life way to find that "path to Equestria". Salvia didn't work . Hydros left me in a sleepy haze but I'd have to wake up eventually. People don't seem to cheer me up the way they used to anymore. I've wasted my money on a ton of crap and none of it helped (of course). I've had to cut out cartoons entirely. Watching them reminds me of how dull I've let myself become. I've even taken up lucid dreaming just to help me get away from it all.
All this self loathing is bothersome and I know that the problems I have are mine alone to come to terms with, but I can't find a reason to change. Not to sound morbid but I have no purpose. Whether I'm me as I am or a brand new upbeat me, I imagine I'd still make it as far. I'd be happier but it wouldn't make me smarter, it wouldn't make me more capable or stronger either. So why put so much effort into things that'll pull me back down into the rut, anyway? I have no goal to push towards, yet that's probably what I need more than anything else. Maybe.
Maybe I just need a little more time to think things through.
I'm sorry if this was a whiny blog and I'm really sorry if you decided to read this garbage, but I did this more for myself than anything else. I have no other place to go to vent, so I figure why not use the one thing that no one ever uses on this site.
It's almost like my little diary :3 and I feel alot better.
"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? If you don't mind me asking, that is."
Gilda faceclawed, as she heaved an annoyed sigh at the sight of the crestfallen Fluttershy, who happened to have a beautiful bouquet of flowers resting on her back.
You see, today was a special day for our precious, yellow pegasi, hence the flowers and her styled mane, which was now hanging down her shoulders in a well done ponytail. After hours upon hours spent giving herself a needed pep-talk in the mirror, she had finally mustered up the courage to go and ask her feathery crush out on a date. Sadly, it was all for naught, as her shoulders sagged and her eyes brimmed with tears, as her crush glared at her with disapproval and annoyance.
Gilda truly didn't know how to put it gently for the sad excuse of a mare that was standing just outside of her doorway. Should she call her ugly? No, that's just plain rude. Make up another excuse? No, that'll just have the yellow nuisance show up a few days later. Hmmmm. "You're just not bird enough for me." Hehehe. Gilda, you are a genius!
"Not bird enough? W-What does that mean?" Fluttershy whimpered, diverting her eyes fro Gilda's fierce gaze.
"You're not bird enough for me! It's just that simple!" Gilda exclaimed, a confident smile gracing her face as she crossed her claws nonchalantly and leaned against the doorway of her small house. "When a griffon like me goes out looking for a date, we look for the strongest, the fastest and the toughest fliers that we can find. Not only are you a pony, but your a shy pony. Would you say that you're confident, Fluttershy?"
"Well I could be, but-"
"Could you put your hoof down and raise a couple of rowdy, meat eating little griffons all by yourself?"
"That does sound hard, but-"
"Could you teach them how to hunt and fly?"
"Well I don't think that I could hurt another animal, but-"
"Well there you have it, Fluttershy." Gilda stated, interrupting the unhappy pegasus, as she slowly began to close the front door to her humble abode. "A Pony-griffon relationship would never work out!"
"Maybe I'll see you around, kid."
And with a resounding slam of the wooden door, Fluttershy was once again left alone to wallow in her self pity on a beautiful Friday afternoon.......Until an idea sprang into her head. She had the wings and the flying know-how so all she really needed was the feathers and the claws to go along with a long, bushy tail.
Surely Ponyvilles' very own Element of Magic would have a solution!
All I have to do is talk to Twilight and Gilda is as good as mine! Oh I just can't wait! Fluttershy thought with a gentle squee, as she leapt into the air enthusiastically and took off towards the treehouse in the middle of the peaceful little town.
Yes today was going to be absolutely perfect! No problems whatsoever.....Not one......
One short flight, a broken window and one long awkward silence later....
"I don't think that this is going to work."
"Oh Twilight I know that might be a tough little spell to get done, but you have to try!" Fluttershy squealed, her frail, yellow body wrapped around Twilight's leg in hopes that her purple friend would just give up and give her what she wanted. "Please?"
"No, Fluttershy. This spell is beyond dangerous! And what am I going to tell the Princess, if I can't reverse it? She could have me thrown in the royal dungeon for years!" Twilight hissed, trying to shake off the yellow pony that was wrapped around her leg with little success.
"Fluttershy I just want to read my book." The purple pony muttered, groaning as Fluttershy tightened her death grip on leg.
"Fine, I'll do the stupid spell! Just let go of my leg, for Celestias' sake!"
Once the yellow pegasi had finally pulled herself away from the unamused magician, the two set to work on finding a proper incantation on transformation. In a nutshell, Twilight spent the next half hour digging through books and scrolls, while Fluttershy sat on her red couch just day dreaming about all of the things her and Gilda would do together. Needless to say, most of her little daydreams were on the mature side of the spectrum.
With another ecstatic "yay", Fluttershy hopped off of the couch. After a short time spent navigating a large pile of books, she finally came upon her purple friend flipping through a small gray book. "Is that it?"
"Of course this is it." Twilight replied, flipping through page after page of the tiny book, each filled with pictures of different animals and spells. "Gazelle, Gerbil, Giraffe.........Ah! Here it is! This seems simple enough. Feathers replace fur, replace hooves with paws and claws and a slight rearrangement of your internal organs."
"Wait, what? What was the part about organs?"
"Oh don't worry about that. There's only a twenty percent chance of any actual damage. At worst you'll wake up with a little internal hemorrhaging." Twilight stated, her eyes still glued firmly on the contents of the book.
"Twilight, I think I changed my-"
Alas, Fluttershy's vision slowly became filled with a sharp shade of violet, her sentence cut off by the sound of sparks. Her body slowly became numb as it crumpled to the floor, her legs and the majority of her yellow coat slowly, yet painlessly, shifting under the force of Twilight's spell.
"Don't worry Flutters. In a few hours, you'll wake up feeling as good as new."
With that sentence left hanging in the air, Flutters finally drifted off, the numbness filling her with a strange feeling of warmth.