Legend has it that Queen Aurorria, the creator of Equis, wrote every event in history in one special book. She learned that the book could be used as a weapon and so, to maintain peace and harmony throughout Equis, she destroyed it.
It was an ordinary day for Ponyville friendly princess and librarian, Twilight Sparkle. Well, it WAS, that is. One day, she met with a mysterious unicorn stallion in her basement that told her something that no one knows about. After understanding what he meant, Twilight now must venture across the seas of Equestria, throughout the planet of Equis and find the legendary Book Of Time. But, as many have gone through the same adventure, some questions just aren't meant to be answered...
This is my second fanfic so I would still accept constructive criticism in anyway. Hope you guys enjoy it!
OH, is this gonna be similar to a Doctor Who adventure?!? If so, you've got me hooked!
Ooo! This seems interesting. That was a really intriguing encounter with the stallion. I wonder what his motives are, and why he would be telling Twilight about this book.
I also can't wait to see what part Sunset Shimmer and Lightning Dust play in this. Searching them was what led me to this story!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
I see what you did there.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors:
Name of Story:
Book of Time
Grammar Score (out of 10):
5
Pros:
1 - You've built up an adequate amount of mystery and foreboding, in regards to the unknown unicorn stallion.
2 - The scene with the time-freeze and blood-red sky was creepy and instantaneously effective.
3 - I like the allusion to Twilight's temporary insanity from Lesson Zero.
Cons:
1 - The pacing of your story seems a little rushed. A lot of things happen in a relatively short space of time.
2 - You have a tendency to switch between tenses mid-sentence (past, present and future). This is a big no-no in writing.
3 - Overall, your writing style seems incredibly dry. Not a lot is being left to my imagination because I'm being told everything, rather than shown.
Notes:
While the premise of your story appears to have a nice hook, the bait slips off when it's revealed to be quite blunt. I understand that you haven't been writing for very long though. Your story is definitely brimming with ideas and potential, but a few things seem off to me:
I'm pretty sure refrigerators don't work that way. A giant walk-in freezer, maybe.
Given how meticulous we know Twilight is with her scheduling and checklists, this seems incredibly out of character, even if she was distracted briefly by other things.
Celestia seems to immediately jump to the conclusion that Twilight MUST be talking about the book of time, even though nopony should even be aware of its existence.
Who is this mysterious unicorn, and why does he have a fascination with Twilight without prior provocation?
If Twilight is still Celestia's student and still has things to learn about friendship, why would (approximately) eight years have passed? (Based on what you say about the CMC)
I didn't think that Twilight was such a slow learner. One would imagine that becoming a princess meant she had already learned everything fundamentally important about friendship.
until
I'm actually unsure about what the purpose of Twilight's initial experiment with ethereal objects was supposed to accomplish. Is she trying to replicate the powers of creation itself? Hopefully this will be explored in greater detail further down the track.
You might seriously want to give this fic a grammatical overhaul, or maybe find a pre-reader/editor (why not both?) Your tense changes -- among other things -- are particularly jarring. You usually only want to change tenses when switching between direct action/dialogue and regression into thoughts/memories.
I'll continue to follow this story to see where it leads; for all I know, things have yet to be explained that aren't apparent in these early stages. The premise is enough for me, and I look forward to meeting your other characters when they're inevitably introduced. Three of my most favourite characters have yet to rock up (Gilda, Sunset and Lightning) so I await them with great earnest.
Enjoy your review! I hope you can take some advice from it and improve your skills. Now please be a dear and return the favour by reviewing my own story: These Flowers Never Bloom.
"...slidded across the room..." kinda killed it for me.
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How come?
So where is Sunset?