"If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor." - Edgar Rice Burroughs
It was supposed to be a simple trip to visit an old teacher, Relic Hunter, at an archaeological dig. What it turns into, is another adventure.
When Relic Hunter passes away, Twilight tries to finish what her old archaeology teacher's monumental findings began: a puzzle that will take Twilight and her friends across Eqestria and beyond to solve.
Now beta read by: Bowow
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3055564
Nah. That's a pony stripper's name.
Why do I have the feeling that the "second human expert" is a certain sea-green unicorn?
3055644
um, maybe because Lyra's character tag is in the tag section...?
3055648
again
I know that feeling, good sir. It's always the adventure stories where you want to get on with it.
This interests me; an everyone rated adventure that's good and feels show like doesn't come around too often. Can't wait for the rest.
Well, color me interested. Though I do wish you would of actually started the adveture by the time you published.
3055644
Thats what I'm hoping for.
yyyeeeaaahhhh....
I like where this is going, but there is one error that is really common. When there's dialogue, the first letter should always be capitalized.
Ex.
It should be:
I guess their already ahead of the game.
*SMACK*
I promise I won't do that again.
Intriguing - Like it so far. Nice tone. The first chapter seems a little choppy and rushed - probably as you said a result of your being anxious to get to the action. A few things like Celestia springing the mission on her with only 5 hours till the train and all her friends being able to come on such short notice seems a bit unlikely.
I would probably give the characters a little more time even if you don't write about it. - "Relic hunter's dig will being making a supply run to los pegasus in two weeks, given your recent experince I was hoping you might be able to join them on their return to the dig site and provide your perspective on what they have found" Then skip forward to them boarding the train, the others deciding to join her (which allowed them time for people to take care of animals, library, and business).
Even though this is a story about cartoon ponies the everyone has no problem hoping on a train in 5 hours sort of broke suspension of disbelief for me, given that it was not an emergency. Looking forward to reading more
Yippee!! We're getting into the interesting part. I gave a huge sigh of relief when the pony head wasn't Relic. The story would feel wrong if it was. The flow of it would shatter in an instant if it was, though it would make a good murder/mystery plot for Equestria Noir. I much prefer the mystery about what happened to humans in Equestria than just solving the murder and discovering some things on the side.
Anyway Hope you update soon!
Interesting! I like the premise and characterization has been fairly on so far.
I do think I know what Lyra's issue is...
You need a beta, badly.
3997438
and i thought I'd read this one so carefully.
I'll take care of it.
Hm. . . The part with Lyra was quite unexpected, but unsurprising. I half expected that she was miffed at Twilight for jumping out of nowhere into her area of expertise and outshine her, as well as experiencing something that she would give her horn and both front legs for (as well as in exchange for a pair of arms and hands, mind you). But the part where she got mad at Twilight for not noticing her when she wanted to thank her for all the fine work she did as a librarian seemed a bit over the top, since they never really even talked to each other at the time. But that's just my little nitpick.
And yes you need a beta. . . Can I be your beta?
I suspected that's what Lyra's issue was, though referencing the first episode of the series was unexpected.
Glad to see they're actually addressing that and working things out
Also, this has taken a dark twist
I enjoyed this so far, and am eagerly awaiting the next chapter. I always felt humans should have had a place in Equestria, if only as a long dead race....
ih1.redbubble.net/image.31089534.2975/sticker,375x360.u2.png
awwwwww
Insert "IT'S ALIVE" meme image here.