When Filly Twilight is lonely, she turns to a time machine to help. She then joins three other fillies for milkshakes, and it makes her day.
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superpony55
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This was cute, but it just seemed a bit rushed to me.
3099085
Thanks!
And yeah, it was a little rushed, I can agree with that.
Liked it.
3099908
Thanks!
Please give me advice so I can make the story better!
The word you want is "allowed", not "aloud".
One thing that would improve the story considerably is to bring in more detailed descriptions of what things look like and what everyone is doing. Right now, it's very "talky", and it's kind of like trying to follow a TV show without looking at the screen; you can hear the dialogue, but that alone doesn't always make it clear what's going on.
Also, using Sugarcube Corner as the location is somewhat questionable, in terms of story logic. If Twilight's going back to the days when Celestia, Luna, and Cadance were still fillies, that means she's gone well over a thousand years into the past -- and Ponyville wasn't even founded then (remember, Ponyville was founded by Granny Smith's family when she was a filly, so the town can't be more than 80-100 years old at most), so how could there be a Sugarcube Corner?
3100094
In the story, Sugarcube Corner came before Ponyville. And thanks for pointing that out!
3100315
Um... how? Sugarcube Corner is in Ponyville, and it's a mom-and-pop business (literally, in this case), not an Equestria-wide chain store.
This is where lack of detail will really hurt a story; if you're going to do something which clearly violates or contradicts both the show's established setting and/or common sense, you have to justify it to the reader by explaining it in a way that's internally consistent. You can't just handwave it and say "well, it's that way because I want it to be" if you expect the reader to buy into the premise.
3100564
I understand. Thanks for the input! (I changed it to Canterlot Candies)
This made my day. thanks
3103144
You're welcome! I enjoyed writing it.
A nice little story that warms the heart. Thanks for this gift to all of us.
3119381
Thanks! It's always great to hear comments like that.
Fact: Ponies drinking milkshakes makes everything 20% cooler
3224672
Thanks!
3224672
*cuter
Not bad, but it was a bit rushed.
3271807 : I Same thing
Simple and funny, I liked it!
3308138
Thanks!
3271867
Yeah, I know.
3273733>>3271807>>3224672
Either way!
Cool!
3329742
Thanks!
3329769 and erm... why did you follow me?
3329772
Your comment.
3330031 But you were following me before that.
3330134
Oh, then I don't remember.
Cute, but there were some moments that I felt were pretty rushed. I know you get that a lot with this story, but I felt it needed to slow down a bit and explained what Twilight was thinking, seeing the world around them and getting to see the world through her eyes. I thought that would have improved it a little bit.
The bit with the time machine was a little weird to me. Again, I think there could have been some kind of explanation or something. Why was there a time machine? Where did it come from? How was Twilight able to use it? I think this could have been better explained.
The interaction between Twilight and the young alicorns was cute.
Overall, a nice short little story. Very innocence and very cute. A little bit of detail would have polished this up well and I think it would have turned out great. Anyway, keep it up and I'll see you late. Take care.
3661992
Alright, thanks for the tips, and I hope you enjoyed it!
Congratulations! This story has officially been deemed a Sapphire by The Gem Hunters.
We could really use an explanation as to why there is a time machine just laying around, when Equestria seemingly has little to no technology
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/d/9/sapphires_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70oo29.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Sapphire
(Public Announcement, Luna being adorable causes heart attacks) That can't be true... Awwwwww-HRK!
3893478
And thus because the time traveling Twilight did not know her, Luna became the evil Nightmare Moon and was banished to the moon for one thousand years!
Alliteration aside, the story was very cute. Pacing seemed a little fast, but still cute. Mostly because of sad Luna.
4011323
Thanks!
So Celestia has a time machine in her basement but can't be bothered to go back and, dunno, help Luna?
Plot hole! XD
Anyway, this was too much for me and now I am dead from diabetes. I will hunt you forever for this!
4022791
It would be sad, and it wouldn't work, it would just make Luna angrier!
And uh oh... I'm going to be haunted by a dead-by-cuteness ghost!
I'm glad you liked it!
Too damn short! Needs more to this story. Another chapter, maybe. Or, perhaps a sequel?
4052300
I'm writing a sequel. I'm glad you liked it.
4053086 Yahoo hoo!!! Awesome!!!
4054270
It's about Rainbow Dash and called "Pancakes".
4056446 Oh.
I was kinda hoping that the characters from this story would, at least, be in the sequel.
*sigh* Oh well.
4057670
Sorry.
It's still got the time machine!
4058940 Well, I'd suppose it would be. After all, it would be more of a diferent stand alone story if it didn't had the machine.
Still, maybe after the one with Dashie, you could do another one with Twily, Cady, Tia and Lulu? Or maybe one with Little Discy (Discord), Somy (Sombra), Chrysy, Moony, Lulu, Twily, Cady and Tia?
You can choose some of the characters I listed. You don't have to use them all if you don't want to.
Maybe Twily goes to a past where Discy, Tia, Lulu and Chrysy are friends or something like that?
4061599
4062666 Cool! Say, do you think that you could take my suggestions in consideration? Please?
4077589
Probably.
4078854 Awesome!!!
4084420
Third story of yours I have read so far.
Continue working your magic on us all.