• Member Since 13th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 10th, 2016

CreepyPastaPrincessLuna


I am a creepy pasta MLP FIM writer. See the the writing I create with twists, turns, and things that leave you questioning. Don't be afraid to give me any feedback. I'll always consider it. Be clear!

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Luna Burns her-self to death in the bathtub. Princess Celestia tries to cope with the death of her sister. Is this real or a suicidal nightmare?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 22 )
Comment posted by crystalheart2000 deleted Aug 14th, 2013
Comment posted by crystalheart2000 deleted Aug 14th, 2013

3044205

:ajsleepy::rainbowderp::raritydespair::twilightoops::fluttershbad::pinkiesad2: Shall your dreams be filled with nigtmares for eternity....

The idea was sound, but the execution was horrible. Like, why put the letter at the beginning of the story if they weren't supposed to read it until later? Also, what's with those random spaces in the middle of the story? Other problems include the "out-of-character characters", and the introduction of Princess Luna's "boyfriend" was practically nonexistent. Cool concept, but horrible execution. That's all I have to say really.

3045220 Well, I do thank you for the good feedback. As I said in my other blog post, I wasn't too suprised, but a little. It definatly was a different write for me, and I knew my execution wasn't too great. I did work on it for a while. I did put in effort with trying to add a new nonexistant character to hopefully work. I am proud of this work and it's idea, but not so much as I portrayed it in it's execution. I tried more backstory and emotion than execution.
Thank you for all the wonderful, specific feedback,
CreepyPastaPrincessLuna :rainbowkiss:

Well I just read this....think I might sleep with my magic shotgun next to me:rainbowderp:

3044844

I like it. But why not burn Celestia instead. This could of been a great mystery story.

The sun princess burnt to death. KEY WORDS : sun princess, burnt, and death.

3045647 Sounds great too! LOL time for a solar troll :trollestia:

Hahahahahaha! Y'all are pussies! This isn't scary, this is hilarious! Intestines hanging from the ceiling! Pfft! Hahahahahaha!
Well, the death part wasn't very scary... Only the way it was committed, but that was quickly destroyed by how convoluted this story is, Shining Armor died... Because he failed? So what?
...
Also it's because I don't fear basically anything. The only thing I'm truly afraid of is the pain my family will feel if I die, not death. You should fear death, because you never really die. You are never alive, you body is just a great big mass of death things put together in a certain way. Luck. If one little tiny piece out of... More stars in the sky, goes wrong, there is a large chance you will no longer function the way you did, changing from become inanimate or something more minor like cancer.
How's that for scaring.

3059642
Umm... you are just being mean to CreepyPastaPrincessLuna, she's a novice, so what?
You never needed to go into a rant about what you belive. Next time, try to be more polite. :ajbemused:

3312800 I told everyone to be honest. I tend not to mind comments like this. :scootangel:

Okay, that was disturbing :)

I read the parts about the deaths and suicides and they all brought gruesome images to my head, ugh.

Nice story though, definitely deserves a favorite!

3841631 I was a little surprised at first when all the dislikes came in. I reread it and realized that it wasn't my best and I could have done better. I'm glad you liked though. :ajsmug:

i loved the first chapter :twilightsmile:

Cool story! Gotta admit though, in the middle of this story, I said, "This story should be titled, 'Everyone dies. The end.'":rainbowlaugh:

Vik

Thanks for the nightmare fuel, lol. Seriously though, I quite liked this story.

I had read your story back when I was first getting into the fandom through reading creepypastas, and now that I have taken another look after watching the show, I should probably bring up some personal criticisms. I see that you handle criticism fairly well so I don't feel my efforts of telling you what you could do better next time aren't in vein.
1. The pacing is all over the place.
The pacing consists of some moments that feel glanced over with massive time jumps. It's not that you can't do this in a story, but if you want to flush out the suspense and tension, best you set up each scene before acknowledging the passage of time.
2. The placement of the letter kills the tension.
Due to the letter being at the very beginning, we know that Luna has killed herself, and as Celestia discovers this, the reaction was more of "get on with it!" rather than "I'm on the edge of my seat through the whole scene."
3. The perspectives are everywhere rather than sticking to just a few characters.
Although you consistently stayed in the third person perspective, something I see many creepypasta writers have trouble with by jumping in between the third and first person, your perspective jumps between many characters with little separation. How you could fix this is by sticking to Celestia, especially with the twist at the end. It doesn't make much sense for it to be from Twilight's perspective at the end when it turns out it was all a dream Celestia was having.
4. Usage of gore and other bodily functions.
This isn't necessarily your fault because the show hints at ponies being able to throw up and horror movies using gore far too often to try and scare or disturb people. Horses in actuality can't throw up without dying due to what would have to cause them to break their trachea to vomit. Even further, gore doesn't make a story scary and can actually be comedic if done wrong, I would watch the first Alien movie if you haven't because it has only one truly gory scene but it is very effective in how it is used.
5. The horror elements being out of place in Equestria of all places.
What would be scary in our world is scary because it is believable, and the same goes for Equestria, which goes back to my point about gore. If you can write suspense to fit within this universe, it would feel far more believable and, therefore, far more horrifying. If Luna killed herself outright through less gruesome means, it would horrifying enough to shock the characters and the reader. As events unfold, you could show the characters (mainly Celestia) going crazy gradually rather than suddenly like how it feels.
6. The twist has little correlation with the rest of the story.
If you gave Luna a good reason to give Celestia the nightmare in the first place it would make it far more effective. If Luna and Celestia got into a heated argument about the past, and then Luna gave Celestia the dream to teach her how horrible things would be without her, it would make it seem far better deserved for the circumstance given. Instead, it feels far less deserved and more mean-spirited than anything else.
7. The introduction of out of universe objects and your original character.
The mention of guns, manga, and I'm guessing computer games don't fit within MLP's universe. I'm not against the introduction of things that we didn't see in the show, but guns are out of place because guards don't carry them and they really could aid in their protection of their celestial goddesses. Video games do exist as we have seen with Button Mash in Hearts and Hooves Day, but only in arcade form as far as we know, and if an explanation was given to as to where these came from along with the manga, it would be easier with your readers to stomach it. Your OC, Garou, I have nothing against introducing, but, if you do, I feel he should have more to do with the plot in a role that no other character from the show could fulfill. Original characters have a lot of potential in fanfiction, and he feels like a missed opportunity. A great example of an OC did right was Psych from Vinal and Octavia University Days, due to his effect on the plot and clearly flushed out character.
8. The amount of detail given takes away from the story and its tension.
My friend who read the story with me didn't like the book the Scarlet Letter because of how much detail Nathaniel Hawthorne went into and he had the opposite problem here. He felt there was too little detail, and I feel that rounds out all my other criticisms. When it mentioned the gun, it didn't mention what kind of gun it was, it was just a gun. I have no idea what Garou looks like or what connection he and Luna have aside from just being in a relationship. No information as to why Luna was giving Celestia the nightmare was given other than to "give her sister a little taste of her hell."

Once again, I give you these criticisms to help you and not to hinder you. I'm not the next Shakespear or J.R.R. Tolkien by any means just as a disclaimer, but the writers who show others their work and are willing to take and listen to criticism are the ones I feel grow the best, and so I made this essay of a post. Sorry for it being so long. Here, have a potatocdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1017/2183/t/2/assets/live-preview-potato.png?14657364987476515583

. . .Who leaves a dead body in a tub for a month. . . :raritydespair:

I was looking for this classic for years now! I first read a highly edited version on Creepypasta Wiki and wondered where it was now that Creepypasta Wiki removed all MLP stories except one from their site. This story made me take a chance on lesser known MLP stories when I first read it and finding the full version here......I am so happy right now. I even recorded myself reading it which I'm putting on Vidlii.com if you're ok with that. I kinda felt like asking just in case but I couldn't resist the urge to read this while recording. :pinkiecrazy:

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