Chapter 1
For any whom this may concern,
I have finally come up with a conclusion to end my misery. Sister, be aware of my actions, for I do love you. This is a choice of my own. I have been left with no love. I may have been loved, but I myself cannot love anymore. Please, understand my decision.
Lately, I have been having nightmares. I will become Nightmare Moon again. I cannot bare that pain within my heart again! I lost all my love and willingness to live. I cannot be forgiven. I may be forgiven by whoever reads this, but I cannot forgive myself. I have chosen to end myself here. If the castle is on fire, it is my fault. If you wish to see me, I will be in the bathtub. You will not see a pretty sight.
Good bye… forever,
Princess Luna
“Sister!” called Princess Celestia for her little sister. Normally Princess Luna would answer. Today was strangely quiet. She has not seen her sister all day. Princess Luna would always come to her sister when called or addressed. This began to make the older one a bit uneasy.
“Sister?” Princess Celestia called again with suspicion. Princess Cadence walked into the room. She expressed her concern to Princess Celestia. Both were silent and continued searching for the princess of the night. They called for her, and she never came. Princess Luna was always in the castle, so it raised suspicion. Princess Luna had far too few friends to hang out with, so she did not go anywhere.
Finally, Princess Cadence broke the silence between the two of them, “Where do you think she could have gone?” Princess Celestia only shook her head and finally after a sigh let out an answer, “Your guess is as good as mine. I have looked everywhere. It is not like Luna to wander off anywhere or make plans with any pony,” she looked at Princess Cadence with a look of concern, “this is making the whole castle uneasy.”
Princess Cadence only nodded. She didn’t know exactly what to say to the concerned mare. She felt sympathy for her. Princess Celestia lived for 1,000 years without her sister. If something happened to her, Princess Celestia would be crushed. Princess Cadence knew that Princess Celestia would not be able to function properly. Your sister living in exile alive is different than having your sister dead.
A dark gloomy aura filled the castle as the two princesses gave up on looking for Princess Luna. Princess Celestia thought she would come out to raise the moon. This troubled Princess Celestia as she had a horrible fear hover over her. As uneasy as the princess was, was as uneasy as the castle was. The guards began to spread rumors that made Princess Celestia even more troubled.
She could not wait any longer. Finally, Princess Celestia gained the courage to intrude into her little sister’s room. The door was locked. Princess Celestia grabbed the key on top of the door and unlocked it with trepidation. Fear loomed over as she worried for her little sister.
She opened the door and to her surprise, Princess Luna was not in the room. Trepidation deepened and made a larger wound into the mare as she was inside her sister’s room. Princess Celestia became overpowered with nausea by the overpowering fear.
The princess began to look through her sister’s belongings. She found video games, manga of all sorts, an unmade bed, and a sheet of paper left between the two pillows on her bed. Princess Celestia read the letter in her little sister’s voice, “For any whom this may concern,
I have finally come up with a conclusion to end my misery. Sister, be aware of my actions, for I do love you. This is a choice of my own. I have been left with no love. I may have been loved, but I myself cannot love anymore. Please, understand my decision.
Lately, I have been having nightmares. I will become Nightmare Moon again. I cannot bare that pain within my heart again! I lost all my love and willingness to live. I cannot be forgiven. I may be forgiven by whoever reads this, but I cannot forgive myself. I have chosen to end myself here. If the castle is on fire, it is my fault. If you wish to see me, I will be in the bathtub. You will not see a pretty sight.
Good bye… forever,
Princess Luna”
Princess Celestia was almost sick. She began to almost weep as she read the letter. Princess Cadence saw the horrified Princess Celestia and approached the mare with caution. She began to ask what was wrong but quickly silenced herself before making a wrong move.
Princess Celestia was a very sensitive pony with certain topics, her sister being one of them. Princess Cadence knew she would only hurt the mare more if she tried to help her. The silence was left unbroken for a full three minutes before the mare got up.
“Princess Cadence,” Princess Celestia began, “stay away from here. I have a feeling I will not like what I see. This is for me to see and me only. Do you understand?” Princess Cadence nodded with a looming sense of great disturbance. She was uneasy.
At this point she didn’t question anymore. The answer would hopefully be revealed. Princess Celestia tried opening the bathroom door, but it was locked. She had the key ready for this. She placed the key in the lock with her hoof shaking. She dropped the key many times and finally used her magic to slowly unlock the door. She unlocked it but remained composed for a full five minutes before opening the door unwillingly. She knew her heart was not ready to bear such horrid news, but she needed the answer.
More and more fear loomed over the already fearful princess as she opened the door. It reeked. It almost made both princesses vomit by the overpowering smell. Both were already nauseated by the fear lying in their stomachs, but this smell made both of them gag. Princess Celestia covered her nose and looked ahead into the bathroom. It looked normal, but the curtains were closed. It was as if Princess Luna was taking a shower with no running water. There was complete silence.
Princess Celestia peered at Princess Cadence. After the princess stopped chocking on the smell, she felt the glare of the other princess pierce her. She was looked dead in the eyes. Hesitantly, Princess Celestia stumbled into the bathroom. Her legs were shaking and she could barely move her adrenaline filled legs. Very slowly picking each leg up and down along the path to the bathroom, she felt her legs getting weaker and weaker. It was as if she had huge leg weights on her. Three minutes have passed and she had finally made it to the bathtub. She let out a painful sigh and slowly peeked through the curtains. She nudged her hoof through the one end of the curtain. Slowly, but painfully, wounding herself with every slight movement of the shower curtain. She only saw a glimpse before she gasped, holding back with all her might to shriek in utter horror.
She rushed out of the bathroom, closed the door, and locked it. “Don’t ever go in that room! That is not meant for any pony’s eyes, do I make myself clear?” as she rushed to Princess Cadence. The princess nodded as Princess Celestia locked the bedroom door as well. Princess cadence was in utter shock but not as horrified as Princess Celestia.
One week has passed from that one day, and Princess Celestia was not able to hold any sort of social life. She was on the throne, in the dining room, and locked in her bedroom for the remainder of the time. On the throne, she would only answer to political matters. At the dining room she did not talk. She stayed cornered in her room for the remainder of the time. If Princess Cadence ever asked about that day and what she saw, she would be forcibly kicked out by the gaurds.
Three months have passed, dealing with Princess Celestia’s new behavior. Twilight came over to Canterlot with her friends. Immediately she wanted to see her teacher. “Excuse me sir guard, but may I have a moment of your time? Can you please bring Princess Celestia hear for me? Tell her it’s her most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” The guard only gave one response before going to fetch Princess Celestia,” I can Twilight Sparkle, but she has been acting strange lately and has not wanted to see anyone. This is just a warning to you.” Twilight looked at her friends and all of them were just as confused as she was. The guard returned saying, “I am sorry Miss Sparkle, but Princess Celestia wishes not to be disturbed at the moment.” The guard left.
Princess Cadence entered cheerfully to see Twilight but automatically changed her expression after seeing Twilight’s face. “What’s the matter Twilight?” she asked to the unicorn standing before her.
“Is there a problem with Princess Celestia, Cadence?” the unicorn asked.
“She’s been troubled lately,” answered the alicorn, “let me show you. I warn you, though. I am afraid to break my word when I said I would not go near it but…” the alicorn paused for a moment, “I fear what she is afraid of, so I am not going to be the one to witness what she witnessed.”
Princess Cadence led Twilight and her friends to the bathroom. The smell reeked even more. Rarity passed out from the stench instantly; Fluttershy literally vomited on the floor; Pinkie Pie fled the room; Twilight was having a fainting spell; Applejack and Rainbow Dash just held their noses to bear with the smell. Princess Cadence asked as she unlocked the bathroom door, “I cannot be the one to look in there. Is there any pony willing to look in that bathtub for the rest of us?” Nopony raised their hooves willingly. Eventually, and hesitantly, Rainbow Dash said she would do it. She flew into the horrid-smelling bathroom and peeked through the shower curtains. Rainbow Dash recoiled. She dashes back to the hall outside the bathroom. “What! What was it Rainbow Dash!” Princess Cadence asked out of sheer fear.
“Body,” the Pegasus stuttered, “dead body of Princess Luna in the tub,” she fought between breaths. Everypony was shaken by the news, those who didn’t pass out anyway. Princess Cadence couldn’t believe it, so she walked in and opened the curtains entirely. She thrust the curtains open and jumped back seeing the mutilated corpse of Princess Luna, lying in the tub after three months have passed. Time did its job on the horribly disfigured corpse of the princess.
The princess and Twilight and her friends started backing away when they felt something that they backed into. It was Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia was frantic, swearing at Princess Cadence and slapping her repetitiously. Every slap got harder and harder until Princess Celestia settled down. Everypony saw how hurt Princess Cadence was and quickly fled the scene, carrying the unconscious Rarity.
Only Rainbow Dash was left with Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia asked Rainbow Dash, calmly, after Princess Cadence left the room, “Can you please do me two favors, Rainbow Dash?” Princess Celestia asked.
“What is it you need, Princess?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I only want you to take, and keep, this camera. Take a picture of my diseased sister and give her body to her boyfriend.” Princess Celestia handed Rainbow Dash a paper with horrid handwriting on it. It looked as if she wrote it down in a rush. “This is all I ask of you. Please!” she begged.
“Alright Princess,” she replied.
“Thank you, you are the true element of loyalty,” Princess Celestia left the room with a feeling lying in the pit of her stomach. Dash took the picture of what was supposed to be Princess Luna. Her corpse was so disgusting, she was hardly recognizable. Dash also took the body to the address and looked for a pony named Garou.
The stallion took the body into the morgue, that is where the address lead Rainbow dash, and cut off her head. “If I may sir,” began Rainbow Dash, “what exactly are you going to do?”
“Luna and I swore to each other that if one of us dies that the other one get’s their skull. It is apparent that she suffered 3rd degree burns and was burned to death. It was a strange thing, though. If we both died, Princess Celestia would make a shrine for both of our skulls. We did have a future planned, but it looks like Luna couldn’t handle the present. Oh well,” he sighed.
“Why do you want her skull?” Dash asked in disgust.
“It’s just a thing between me and Luna. It’s just a strong desire, I guess,” Garou replied
The next day, Rainbow Dash went to Sweet Apple Acres to talk to Applejack. “What happened yesterday, sugarcube?” asked the concerned Applejack as she bucked her last tree for the day.
"Princess Celestia wanted me to take a picture of her sister’s body.”
“May I ask why? Wait! Did she even give you a reason?”
“No. She just told me to take a picture and give her body to her boyfriend. Here, take a look,” Dash showed the picture in the camera and immediately Applejack saw something wrong.
“Uh, sugarcube? Did the picture originally have her skull placed on the side of the tub with her body cut open and have all her facial tissue stuffed into her chest?”
“No,” replied Dash, “it didn’t.” Rainbow Dash was now confused as well was Applejack. “Well, it was nice to see you, Applejack. See you tomorrow morning?”
“Yeah sugarcube, that’s fine.” Dash left Applejack on the farm to go home. It was dusk and Dash began to fall asleep. Rainbow Dash was dreaming up a horrid dream. It was Nightmare Moon stalking her. Nightmare Moon looked exactly like Princess Luna’s corpse did –headless with all the facial tissue stuffed into her chest. Nightmare Moon was carrying her tissueless skull on her back. By the end of the night, Nightmare Moon tried stabbing Rainbow Dash. That is when Rainbow Dash woke up screaming.
She figured it was just a dream. Dash got ready to go to Sweet Apple Acres. When she arrived, Applejack began talking fast and finally settled down after a while. “What happened to you Applejack?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I had a nightmare last night and it scared me stiff! It was a bizarre dream I tell ya!”
“Was it about Nightmare Moon stalking you?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“You had the same dream, too, huh sugarcube? Did she try stabbing you before you woke up screamin’ too?”
“Ya,” replied Rainbow Dash with a huge feeling of déjà vu
The sun began to set and Rainbow Dash was still with Applejack. The moon rose above them as they both heard a rustling in the branches of the apple trees. The mares got an urge to walk through Ponyville to calm their nerves. It was far too nerve racking for them to stay there. They needed to stroll around to rid themselves to the terror stalking their every move. They thought they saw a mutilated Nightmare Moon stalking them. They just dismissed it as a shadow in a streetlight. Then the mutilated Nightmare Moon lunges at them with a knife. She drove the knife into their hearts, killing them instantly.
The next morning, Twilight was visiting Sweet Apple Acres only to find the family looking for Applejack. “What’s wrong?” asked the unicorn, “Where’s Applejack?”
“We’ve been lookin’ for her all mornin’," said Big Mac.
“So, you don't have any idea where she went?”
“Eeyup.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll look in Ponyv- what is this? A camera?” Twilight took the camera since she knew they apple family owned only one and Applebloom was using theirs in Ponyville for a school project. She gazed upon the picture of the horribly disfigured corpse of Princess Luna. Did rainbow Dash take this picture?
Twilight wanted to alert Princess Celestia right away, so she wrote a letter and rushed to Canterlot. When Twilight got to the castle she could see a weeping Princess Cadence. The princess began shouting and holding the unicorn close saying, “Princess Celestia is dead today! She is dead! I walked into her room to see her with a knife, cutting her body this way and that way! She let her innards hang down and as I went to approach her she grabbed a gun and pointed it at me! Then she held the gun to her head and fired! She couldn’t take it anymore and she told me that before she pulled the trigger!
“Shining Armor saw her corpse and slit his throat for failing to do his duty; he couldn’t protect the princess!” Twilight began to bawl into the princess for the loss of her older brother and teacher. She lost two important ponies in her life and another two are missing.
After the weeping began to fade Twilight asked Princess Cadence about the picture and showed it to her. It was of Princess Luna’s corpse in the bathtub in the same position, with her skull on the side of the tub and her facial tissue shoved into her chest. Princess Cadence and Twilight went to the bathroom where the corpse was originally found. It looked as if the body was dragged out of the tub. Princess Cadence found a piece of paper with the address of a morgue and the name “Garou” written on it.
They went to that morgue and the attendant said, “I’m sorry. Are you a relative or friend? He died yesterday and the body cannot be found. Some people said there was an attack of a headless Nightmare Moon. So much for old mare’s tale, huh?”
Night fell and Princess Cadence invited Twilight to stay. She wrote a letter to Spike saying that she was staying at the castle. The morning came and Twilight walked into Princess Cadence’s room. She walked into a horrifying sight. Her innards were everywhere. Her intestines were hanging from the ceiling, her head was dangling from the chandelier with one eye dangling out, Twilight tripped over her liver on the floor, her heart was dangling from the towel rack by the veins and arteries, and her skin and flesh were everywhere. Twilight vomitted at the grusome sight and quickly fled to tell Spike.
This was far too much for Twilight. She went home to Ponyville only to see a scene similar to the bedroom this time it was with Spike in the living room. Spike was clearly trying to write something on the wall in his own blood. It said, “Help me! Stop Nightm-“ He clearly did not finish. As Twilight began cowering away from the scene she felt that she backed into something. Blood dripped down on her, and as she was going to look back, she was shot between the eyes.
The sunset, but the moon did not rise. Pinkie slept at Sugarcube corner. The mutilated Nightmare Moon covered the mare’s mouth and took her down into the basement. She mutilated Pinkie to death. The Cakes could not hear her screams. She died like Rainbow Dash did in “Cupcakes”. Mutalated, Pinkie could only watch as her fate was unfolding before her. She could scream and moan, but all was useless.
The morning came and the sun did not rise. Sweetie Belle woke up to wake up Rarity, but she saw Rarity hanging by a noose. Sweetie was in complete and utter horror and tries to cut her sister down. She tried to find a pulse, but it was clearly too late.
Fluttershy was taking care of her animals. She was petting Angel when she was mauled by an unmerciful bear. The bear killed the bear Fluttershy had first. In utter shock, the animals fled to get help. The bear had left before help could arive. All the animals were frantic and bawling for the loss of their beloved friend.
Be warned all ponies of Equestria. Nightmare Moon is still out there. This time she is not swearing for eternal night –she wants eternal rest.
Princess Celestia wakes up at 7AM and shreiks in utter horror. She looks around to find gaurds, Princess Cadence, and Princess Luna flood into the room. Princess Celestia tells everypony that she is fine and return to their normal duties.
Now, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were alone. It seems, from a strange aura that flooded the room, that Princess Luna was trying to give her sister a little taste of her hell. "Well, did you sleep well sister?" Princess Luna asked with a chucle in her voice, "I know what you dreamed about sister. I am glad you have slept well." Princess Luna's voice had dulled as she said, "I hope for the next few nights you sleep well, sister," her voice slows and becomes even more grim, "Sleep well."
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3044205
Hmm i might read this
The idea was sound, but the execution was horrible. Like, why put the letter at the beginning of the story if they weren't supposed to read it until later? Also, what's with those random spaces in the middle of the story? Other problems include the "out-of-character characters", and the introduction of Princess Luna's "boyfriend" was practically nonexistent. Cool concept, but horrible execution. That's all I have to say really.
3045220 Well, I do thank you for the good feedback. As I said in my other blog post, I wasn't too suprised, but a little. It definatly was a different write for me, and I knew my execution wasn't too great. I did work on it for a while. I did put in effort with trying to add a new nonexistant character to hopefully work. I am proud of this work and it's idea, but not so much as I portrayed it in it's execution. I tried more backstory and emotion than execution.
Thank you for all the wonderful, specific feedback,
CreepyPastaPrincessLuna
Well I just read this....think I might sleep with my magic shotgun next to me
What the fuck
3044844
I like it. But why not burn Celestia instead. This could of been a great mystery story.
The sun princess burnt to death. KEY WORDS : sun princess, burnt, and death.
3045647 Sounds great too! LOL time for a solar troll
Hahahahahaha! Y'all are pussies! This isn't scary, this is hilarious! Intestines hanging from the ceiling! Pfft! Hahahahahaha!
Well, the death part wasn't very scary... Only the way it was committed, but that was quickly destroyed by how convoluted this story is, Shining Armor died... Because he failed? So what?
...
Also it's because I don't fear basically anything. The only thing I'm truly afraid of is the pain my family will feel if I die, not death. You should fear death, because you never really die. You are never alive, you body is just a great big mass of death things put together in a certain way. Luck. If one little tiny piece out of... More stars in the sky, goes wrong, there is a large chance you will no longer function the way you did, changing from become inanimate or something more minor like cancer.
How's that for scaring.
3059642
Umm... you are just being mean to CreepyPastaPrincessLuna, she's a novice, so what?
You never needed to go into a rant about what you belive. Next time, try to be more polite.
3312800 I told everyone to be honest. I tend not to mind comments like this.
Okay, that was disturbing :)
I read the parts about the deaths and suicides and they all brought gruesome images to my head, ugh.
Nice story though, definitely deserves a favorite!
3841631 I was a little surprised at first when all the dislikes came in. I reread it and realized that it wasn't my best and I could have done better. I'm glad you liked though.
i loved the first chapter
Cool story! Gotta admit though, in the middle of this story, I said, "This story should be titled, 'Everyone dies. The end.'"
Thanks for the nightmare fuel, lol. Seriously though, I quite liked this story.
I had read your story back when I was first getting into the fandom through reading creepypastas, and now that I have taken another look after watching the show, I should probably bring up some personal criticisms. I see that you handle criticism fairly well so I don't feel my efforts of telling you what you could do better next time aren't in vein.
1. The pacing is all over the place.
The pacing consists of some moments that feel glanced over with massive time jumps. It's not that you can't do this in a story, but if you want to flush out the suspense and tension, best you set up each scene before acknowledging the passage of time.
2. The placement of the letter kills the tension.
Due to the letter being at the very beginning, we know that Luna has killed herself, and as Celestia discovers this, the reaction was more of "get on with it!" rather than "I'm on the edge of my seat through the whole scene."
3. The perspectives are everywhere rather than sticking to just a few characters.
Although you consistently stayed in the third person perspective, something I see many creepypasta writers have trouble with by jumping in between the third and first person, your perspective jumps between many characters with little separation. How you could fix this is by sticking to Celestia, especially with the twist at the end. It doesn't make much sense for it to be from Twilight's perspective at the end when it turns out it was all a dream Celestia was having.
4. Usage of gore and other bodily functions.
This isn't necessarily your fault because the show hints at ponies being able to throw up and horror movies using gore far too often to try and scare or disturb people. Horses in actuality can't throw up without dying due to what would have to cause them to break their trachea to vomit. Even further, gore doesn't make a story scary and can actually be comedic if done wrong, I would watch the first Alien movie if you haven't because it has only one truly gory scene but it is very effective in how it is used.
5. The horror elements being out of place in Equestria of all places.
What would be scary in our world is scary because it is believable, and the same goes for Equestria, which goes back to my point about gore. If you can write suspense to fit within this universe, it would feel far more believable and, therefore, far more horrifying. If Luna killed herself outright through less gruesome means, it would horrifying enough to shock the characters and the reader. As events unfold, you could show the characters (mainly Celestia) going crazy gradually rather than suddenly like how it feels.
6. The twist has little correlation with the rest of the story.
If you gave Luna a good reason to give Celestia the nightmare in the first place it would make it far more effective. If Luna and Celestia got into a heated argument about the past, and then Luna gave Celestia the dream to teach her how horrible things would be without her, it would make it seem far better deserved for the circumstance given. Instead, it feels far less deserved and more mean-spirited than anything else.
7. The introduction of out of universe objects and your original character.
The mention of guns, manga, and I'm guessing computer games don't fit within MLP's universe. I'm not against the introduction of things that we didn't see in the show, but guns are out of place because guards don't carry them and they really could aid in their protection of their celestial goddesses. Video games do exist as we have seen with Button Mash in Hearts and Hooves Day, but only in arcade form as far as we know, and if an explanation was given to as to where these came from along with the manga, it would be easier with your readers to stomach it. Your OC, Garou, I have nothing against introducing, but, if you do, I feel he should have more to do with the plot in a role that no other character from the show could fulfill. Original characters have a lot of potential in fanfiction, and he feels like a missed opportunity. A great example of an OC did right was Psych from Vinal and Octavia University Days, due to his effect on the plot and clearly flushed out character.
8. The amount of detail given takes away from the story and its tension.
My friend who read the story with me didn't like the book the Scarlet Letter because of how much detail Nathaniel Hawthorne went into and he had the opposite problem here. He felt there was too little detail, and I feel that rounds out all my other criticisms. When it mentioned the gun, it didn't mention what kind of gun it was, it was just a gun. I have no idea what Garou looks like or what connection he and Luna have aside from just being in a relationship. No information as to why Luna was giving Celestia the nightmare was given other than to "give her sister a little taste of her hell."
Once again, I give you these criticisms to help you and not to hinder you. I'm not the next Shakespear or J.R.R. Tolkien by any means just as a disclaimer, but the writers who show others their work and are willing to take and listen to criticism are the ones I feel grow the best, and so I made this essay of a post. Sorry for it being so long. Here, have a potatocdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1017/2183/t/2/assets/live-preview-potato.png?14657364987476515583
. . .Who leaves a dead body in a tub for a month. . .
I was looking for this classic for years now! I first read a highly edited version on Creepypasta Wiki and wondered where it was now that Creepypasta Wiki removed all MLP stories except one from their site. This story made me take a chance on lesser known MLP stories when I first read it and finding the full version here......I am so happy right now. I even recorded myself reading it which I'm putting on Vidlii.com if you're ok with that. I kinda felt like asking just in case but I couldn't resist the urge to read this while recording.