Twilight Sparkle becomes embroiled in a dark experiment, she thought was for the benefit of pony kind.
Edited by AuthorGenesis
cover art by JinZhan larger version of cover
Chapters (5)
neokiva
Joined 6th Jun, 2013 ·
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The concept is somewhat unique and interesting and I love how you avoided Twilight being out of character by having her tricked.
Advice?
Spend more time reading over your own work and consider getting somebody who can proofread for you in their spare time. I get the impression that this was written in one stretch and you didn't spend much time refining it. The story and ideas have strong potential but you need to focus on your writing technique if you want people to give your fic a warmer reception.
You might be able to better figure out a lot of the awkward sentence structure if you were to carefully read it to yourself aloud. When you come across a sentence that sounds awkward when you read it aloud, try to verbally express the same idea in a different way to work out a more natural way to re-write the sentence. Also, question marks exist for a reason; use them. And stop interrupting yourself with those commas! Most of them are unnecessary. Read up on sentence mechanics and proper punctuation at the Purdue OWL.
It's a bit awkward having two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Each time a different character speaks, he or she should have their own paragraph. You've got blocks of paragraphs with a conversation within them. It's confusing and makes it difficult for the reader to separate who's saying what. I would recommend you to please fix that.
Interesting idea for your story.
3333880 if your referencing the bolded conversation then that's all twilight taking to herself
3333909 Let me help you out here:
This paragraph (as well as others structured like it) needs to be broken up.
Like this:
Also, put in some indication Celestia is speaking her line or performing some action while she speaks (or both). Just trying to help you out. I put my added lines in () for you.
3333935 yeah there was indents fimfiction editor fucked up as i transferred it from gdocs
3333948 Ah, so I see.
3333935 oh and that thing was a flashback fricken fimfiction and it's lack of a proper italics system
3334000
Actually, FimFiction has a way to place italics of its own!
The thing you need to get accustomed to is to place, [ i] in the beginning to initiate it and [/ i] to end it. Take in mind that they need to be without space in between to work. And with it, you will have a system which identifies you where everything is, and all the ways to place it.
I know it sucks.I understand it's hard to get used to, but this way no errors during writing makes any issues with the transition of its use to a setting to another.UNASHAMED INVISIBLE SELF-PROMOTION.
I use it quite often in my story. Give it a look to see the different styles of use.
Shade with mouse to read.
ENDING OF UNASHAMED INVISIBLE SELF-PROMOTION.
Hope that helped.
3334678 yeah i did that before your comment but i was just ranting about it, and what sentence was a problem because i already had an editor go through it several times.
ill be blunt, the story is a little rushed and sometimes you try an caracterize the M6, but you dont do a very good job in that, anyhow the story IS very interesting, ill be fav this and also thumbs up, anyhow, get an editor and ill be watching
sorry if i offend you
3788268 I do have an editor.
3788424 ok, and again sorry if i might have offended you
my eye are filled with tears from how cute this is #
snif snif#
3789393 :D thank you
Please continue
3883830 don't worry it's coming I am sick at the moment but as soon as I can i will continue writing the next chapter :)
I love the fucking futurama reference I'm scruffy the janitor
More!!!!
4369225 hahaha, calm down, more is coming.
Um...may I ask...why was this cancelled, it's a great story...sorry if I asked a bad question.
6835074 mostly it was just I ran out of ideas and I want to start fresh
6835607 Oh, ok.