- Member Since 11th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Last Wednesday
Bad Horse
Beneath the microscope, you contain galaxies.
Bad Horse
Joined 11th Apr, 2012 ·
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Awwwww
*gallops to Canterlot, post-haste*
This is a BEAUTIFUL example of how much you can say between the (telephone!) lines. The poor sweet thing!
I'm a little surprised this isn't sad-tagged, with the sort of existential dissatisfaction it's showing off. In any case, I really liked it, and it definitely made me feel for Twilight. I think of the mayor as a bit more happy-go-lucky and a bit less hidebound, but she's a fairly minor character and it's not an interpretation that feels unnatural to me. Quite enjoyable.
I can sympathize with the Mayor here - I never really liked telephone conversations, either.
Gah! Its like Twilight Sparkle Makes a Cup of Tea's even more heartrending sequel!
Figures the Mayor can't figure out her princess is lonely.
3022732
Well, adorkable sad isn't really the same as 'hurt you' sad. She'll be okay, somepony will visit her. But, rgh, the feels!
So a homesick Twilight designs a device to have instant communication with Ponyville, it is decided that the best location to place it is Town-hall, but against Twilight's expectations Mayor Mare is either to dense to notice how Equestria's newest Princess feels or simply doesn't give a buck.
If Twilight is a princess shouldn't it have a Twilicorn Tag?
I agree with you that most ponies probably feel this way about the possibility that Twilight's micromanaging could be done over the phone. Oh, and the isolated, ivory tower cover art. It took a minute for me to catch that. The more I think about this, the more meaning I'm finding in it.
That's why I feel bad criticizing. It seemed like there were some jerky transitions in some places. I mean, it's only 1347 words. You could have easily polished it a little more.
3022767 Oops. Tagged.
3022768 But... there are no transitions. It's all one scene. What do you mean?
3022739 That's the nicest thing you could possibly say.
3022789 Transitions between paragraphs. It felt rough. I'm struggling to find a better way to put it into words, so maybe it's actually nothing. Also, I went back and edited my previous comment to include more praise.
It's sweet I liked it, error I think?
Coils of black wires snaked around a grey metal armature tall enough for the gaping cone of a mouthpiece to look her in the eye. One other like it existed, in Twilight Sparkle's laboratory in Canterlot. The pair had been constructed there at great expense. Fortunately, Twilight had agreed that the *the* castle should bear most of the cost. It looked like some giant insect ensnared in dead vines.
Princess Twilight Sparkle at her most efficient!
O, that our own similar system had been designed with such forethought! I would dearly love to be able to place outgoing calls with the knowledge that there wouldn't be any calls incoming. (Not that I would actually place them, mind you; only that I would love to be able to.)
interesting little tid bit of a story.
I think that this is a good example of show, don't tell. Even though you're describing Twilight's implementation of a new technology, and testing it out, you still get a sense of her loneliness and isolation, not only by how the phone conversation plays out, but by the simple fact that she set up a communication device in Ponyville.
I mean, all of Equestria got along just fine without instant communication this long, and Twilight made it seem simple enough (for her, anyway) to implement. She could have just as easily invented it in ponyville, but only felt the need to when she was separated from the best friends she ever had. that's whats makes this whole story tic. Not sadness, but this sort of vague, subtle hunger for a friendly voice.
I like that Mayor Mare calls her Princess but thinks Twilight. It's a nice touch.
This is a good capturing of isolation through a change in status. I'm not entirely sure why Twilight feels (or is) trapped in Canterlot and unable to come down to Ponyville, but that doesn't really detract.
It is the good.
Canterlot? But didn't Princess Twilight move to The Crystal Empire?
Well if you wanted to make us sad for Twilight, you certainly succeeded with me.
I like the way you handled the "first telephone conversation". Along with the strong impression of Princess Twilight missing Ponyville, it definitely showed the limits of Mayor Mare's gratitude towards Twilight in her lack of patience and unwillingness to express significant empathy. Then again, Twilight herself could easily have helped that along, which is a question posed by the story as well as others.
I enjoyed this, but now I feel like Twilight needs a hug from Ponyville after that conversation!
EDIT: Having worked in big telecom for a while - and my older brother as well in switch ops for much longer - this one kind of resonated with me.
A good read. I liked the sparse and lonely feel.
Or, to put it another way:
"Miss mare — come here — I want to see you."
Gaah, now that I know what to look for, this is one of the saddest stories I've read for MLP:FiM
Back in Ponyville, Twilight was loved for her caring personality and respected for her intelligence and leadership. Now that she's a Monarch in the Royal City, she must have arrogant nobleponies kissing up to her every day. She must really, really miss the town where she had a normal life with real friends. Out of desperate loneliness, she calls up the only pony who can keep her in contact with her beloved Ponyville.
All said pony can think is: "Oh great, our newest Princess can't keep her nose out of our businesses and thinks only she can manage things here" and apparently being homophobic, regardless of what Twi's preferences are
Poor Twilight must think no one in Ponyville even cared that she was ever there
I really want to imagine somepony sneaking into the Mayor's office and placing a formal call to Princess Twilight, formally requesting a formal meeting with her (The over usage of "formal" in intentional, yes) and then, upon meeting her in person, breaks down and tells her Ponyville misses her and wishes she would visit sometime....at which point she does, because that's what she was hoping to hear
Phone conversations are awkward because they're like a face to face conversation but without the mutual distractions of a card game or going to get another beer or watching the other patrons at a restaurant. So dead air goes unfilled and is just dead air, and as you grow further apart (or maybe weren't very close in the first place) there is more and more dead air until eventually you forget each other's number.
Riddle me this. The first and only chapter says that it has 1,372 words.
And yet the total word count says '1,346 words total'.
Explain plz.
3030586 I was editing it while you were reading it. Also, I'm magic.
3030612 And now that I reload the page the word count has been fixed.
Hm. Not bad for what it is, but I feel like you've written this same story about Twilight's self-imposed isolation two or three times before, and I didn't really need to read it again.
I think this version is stronger.
The implication that Twilight isn't so high and mighty suggested by Mayor Mare in the original (or rather, the fact that she is royalty doesn't make her better) is kind of a twisted way of representing what Twilight ultimately wants. This version better emphasizes Twilight's new role in society--her greatest fear, as you aptly noted--as somepony different, somepony unreachable, somepony alienated through no fault of her own.
Oddly, I think the revised version captures the character of the Mayor less well, despite its attempts to flesh her out more. Better coherence to Twi's canonical fears, though, as noted. The first version was more gut-punchy but suimultanously more fanony.
3039058 You're right. I imagined a kind of character arc for the Mayor, but it didn't end up on the page.
Also, it still wasn't sad enough.
New version going up now, and it's just past the magic 2500 mark for EqD. I hope the length doesn't suck it dry. It's a little more telly now. Can't hit 2500 words otherwise, though.
ADDED: Bleah. Losing focus. Not happy with the third version, & neither is Ghost. Wanted those 2500 words and EQD, but it might not happen.
3037753 You're right too. I may be getting in a rut.
Twilight, I’ve got one word for you that will bring happiness, two words that will bring joy, and three words to live your life by:
Abdicate
Move back
Visit Celestia often
You know, this is my first time reading this version of the story, and I feel it's pretty different. I smiled and laughed a few times at the two characters' interaction, especially near the beginning. And I really dig the new ways in which you've described the telephone (and the revision about the ear-whispering). Skywriter's definitely hit the nail on the head regarding tone: the first story was much more stark and dispassionate (in a good way!). I've got no idea which version of your story is better (I think I like this version more) but it's really cool to see both side by side. Great job, dude, and congrats on the EQD feature (sad that it happened on a Monday, though)!
So, basically this world's Mayor is a typical politician.
Not sad at all, really. Just reality.
As for the phone thing, most ponies walk on eggshells around the Princesses as it is. Heck, face to face, they tend to fall to the ground in terror half the time.
If anything, I'd expect talking on a phone to remove some of the tension.
DAAAAAAAAAANG.
Feels right there, where you wouldn't have thought.
WAAH.
Well, that was kind of sad. When one's ears are clogged with social rites, one cannot hear anything.
On to your next version.
I'm not a fan of this version. Mayer Mare was a jerk, and she didn't appear to have a half-decent reason for such.
I don't think I'm going to read the second chapter.... this one is perfect.
3924438
^
Despite the story being told from Mayor's POV, I felt this was more of a Twilight story. I sensed she was reaching out to Mayor Mare for help and instead completely apathetic. Or just ignorant. Or both. She is a politician.
It's the irony of technology. It does not bring us together. Only keeps us apart. Yet it is a necessary evil in this world.
7215768
Yes, Twilight's the sympathetic character. The Mayor feels threatened by her in this version.
If you believe that, then what does this website do? The brony community is based on a television show distributed over fiber-optic cable, the Internet, and DVDs, and meets mainly on websites and on Skype.
7218072 Perhaps. But Twilight seems to think that the telephone will bridge the gap between her and her subjects. It only shows just how great the gap has become. Its not the same as actually being there, seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling.
Shes become detached and attempting to use technology to reconnect with other ponies.
Ah, the first one still feels so awkward and melancholy, it's perfect.
And we're still not going to read the other.