They say that the apple never falls far from the tree. As the only member of the Apple family to forsake the family's agrarian ways, however, Applejack is perhaps the lone exception to that rule. Instead of returning to Ponyville, Applejack found her calling in the bright lights of Manehattan, and has called it home ever since.
She may be an Apple by blood, but she is about as far away from the tree as she can get. And she likes it that way.
Written as a re-characterization exercise for the 'New Writers School' group. (5000 word limit)
Featured in Fiction Illumination #14, via the Las Pegasus Tribune!
Featured on EQD on 2/3/14
Cover Art used with permission from DaisyAzuras
Chapters (1)
You know, you made quite a scary Applejack.
Being from where I am from and how I act... I would beat her ass for attacking a family tradition. She has no right to do so, atleast not with as much spite as she acted upon. The comment about Applebloom was just plain rude, even with stress being a factor.
(I do love the story though,
it was well done.)
3013583
Thanks for the read, and I'm humbled by the follow too! *polite bow*
I'm glad that you saw the 'rude' and 'spiteful' elements that I was trying to convey. The idea of the characterization exercise was to paint an existing character in a totally new light, and to try to make the reader forget about the character that we know from the TV. Whether I did that successfully or not, is of course up to you and the other readers.
But, I did drop a bit of a hint of bitterness/bad memories in there too, so if I do decide to expand this past a one-shot, I'll have a platform to work off of. ;)
Thanks again!
3011433
To be honest, 'scary' wasn't what I was trying for, but I can see how you might see that in the text. Something to keep in mind if I ever go back and expand this.
Thanks for the read! :)
3013792 If you do expand I will be a loyal watcher. I would really like to see this continued!
Let's do the sandwich compliment thing here:
I REALLY enjoy your characterization of Applejack here. It's almost spot-on to my own headcanon. And you execute it beautifully.
However, the indentation issue is driving me insane. It's a pain, I know that fimfic's formatting kinda jacks up indents and whatnot, but adding them might make all the difference. Additionally, there are a few spots where hyphens might have suited you well. "Floor-to-ceiling windows" for one.
Lastly, you've really got a lot of the puns spot-on. Between the touchy subject matter and Applejack's characterization, I'm certain this is one of those 'Fimfic-buried-gold' stories. If you were to add some indentation and a cover picture, this might just see the feature box. it's very well-done!
3193714
Thank you SO much for the feedback! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad that you enjoyed the read!
If I ever get a chance to expand upon this one shot, I'll be sure to remember my indents going forward. ;) (though I will go back and fix this one too)
tinyurl.com/mbho6go
3376735
Awesome stamp of approval! Thank you so much!
*oh, and I apologize for submitting all of my fics at once. I saw the "don't do that" line a bout a second after I hit the 'add' button. Totally my fault.
*
That...was....AWESOME! Way OOC for her, but I like it!
3406074
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yes! Yes! Make an extension! Please?
This was pretty enjoyable to read. The concept was easy to understand, and I think your execution of having AJ stay in Manehatten worked really well for that. The alternate AJ you built and showed us was very well thought out, and I loved soaking in every new little detail.
I'd like to see your efforts on the other Mane 6 with the same prompt.
3463883
Thanks for the read, and the great feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
I'm actually trying to map out some ideas to 're-characterize' the rest of the mane 6, but some are easier to pick out than others, lol. I'm open to suggestions though - perhaps it'll spark the brain a bit. :)
This review proudly brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of story: The Furthest From the Tree
Grammar score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) Out of character is usually a con, but for its intended purpose, your characterisation of Applejack is completely believable. Well done!
2) Perfectly positioned pony puns!
3) Your use of fancy, descriptive language complements the story, especially since Applejack grew up in a "fancy" place.
Cons:
1) While they're only very minor, there are a few small grammar issues.
2) Though I did compliment your portrayal of her character, I think you may have made Applejack just a little too mean. She could have had the "too busy for family" mentality, instead of this "anti-family" mentality. This is mostly personal preference, though.
3) *error* conlocator.exe has stopped working.
Notes:
I enjoyed reading this story immensely. It's not often that I run across an AU mane-six that hasn't been "Discorded," even less often that I find one this well-executed. I can totally see this happening to Applejack if Rainbow Dash hadn't performed the sonic rainboom when she did. She's sharp, decisive, assertive and doesn't care for the feelings of those around her. Apart from the very beginning with the Zap Apple quote, there's one thing that you did keep her more-or-less in-character with: her honesty. Except now, she's not afraid to tell anypony how she feels about them. She doesn't even try to lie to herself about her feelings toward her family. In her mind, she really can see them doing so much better for themselves if they wanted to, but they're all wasted potential. Not sure if I would call keeping her honest a success or a failure (given the purpose of the story), but it works; it helps to make this Applejack more believable, even though she's as otherwise OOC as possible.
You do have some trouble with a few instances of hyphenation and dialogue punctuation, but they're only minor issues. Easily fixed, if you can be bothered. Remember, it's a comma to end dialogue whenever it's followed by (X character said) or (said X character). Periods only come into play when there's a non-verbal action following the end of the quote. Hyphenation comes into play when grouping together words that don't make much sense when separated. An example is run of the mill (run-of-the-mill), or in this story's case, turn of the century architectural trends (should read turn-of-the-century architectural trends). Apart from these, the structure is good, the pacing is good--hell, everything else is pretty much spot on, grammar-wise.
I give this story a personal 8/10 based on originality, premise, execution and grammar. Nice going. I don't usually give higher than an 8 unless a story truly grabs at my heart. This was great, but it doesn't go into my all-time favourites.
I hope you enjoy your review! Please repay the favour by reviewing my own little experimental one-shot, Burning Day Brethren.
P.S. I'd like to feature this story on a blog that I write for. Once a week, I post Fiction Illumination, a section where I promote underrated stories and authors. I think this deserves more attention than it's received. PM me if you'd like to know more.
P.P.S. My only regret is finding this story now, rather than when it was released. Although, all's well that ends well
3611773
Thank you so very much! I have sent a PM, as you instructed. :)
So if Applejack never left the city... does that mean she never got her cutiemark, or did I miss that?
3640250
No, she still has a cutie mark. Originally, I tried to shoe-horn an explanation in here, but couldn't do decently well and keep it under the 5000 word limit overall. So, I left a mention of a bitter cuteciniera as a plot device that I could unwind into a fuller explanation (should I go back and expand this).
For the moment though, I'm gonna need you to look at this flashy red light right here.... *flash*
"Oh so There is an explanatio... "(Flash!!!) ... "Huh... What happened? Where am I? ... Oh look a fan fic."
10 minuters later...
"So do AJ not have her cutiemark in this, or what?"
3641099
She does, and it's the same cutie mark that we see in the show. The difference is in how she earned it. Without giving away the whole idea, I'll say this: She tries her hoof at business, and that early success garners the cutie mark.
The cuteciniera would be covered in a flashback sequence to tie back to the small mention in the existing story.
3643066 Haha, thanks man, I was just going along with the joke.
This story bothered me in all the right ways. Applejack being one of my favorite ponies, it was really interesting to see this reinterpretation of her.
If the prompt was to bring Applejack as far out of character as possible while making it seem a little bit reasonable, i'd say you did a pretty damn good job. That being said, if the prompt was anything other than that i'd have to mimic Cerulean Voice's little comment about Applejack being seemingly too cruel and uncaring; aside from the plot points and the (long since destroyed) connections to her family, she really could have been just a cliche, overworked businesspony.
Good work, though! I thoroughly enjoyed the read; my only complaint is something that's probably 100% intentional and helps suit the prompt,
3723319
Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad that you enjoyed the read! You're correct in thinking that I took AJ way out into 'mean territory' intentionally. The prompt was fairly vague, but it did specify that we needed to try to make the reader forget about the character that we know from the TV show. So, I took AJ as OOC as I did with that in mind.
Glad you enjoyed it though! :)
Wow ... she's become hard. But then the canon's Applejack has always been tough -- she's just warmed by her family and friends. In your AU, she apparently doesn't have any, any more.
Do you think that it was just staying with the Oranges that did this -- or did something in particular sour her?
Nice characterization, solid mechanics. Sets out to do one thing and does it well. I like it.
3870522
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
3815419
Sorry for the late reply here.
I'd say what soured AJ was her family's inability to accept her decision to leave the farm for good. Basically, they never 'bought' her 'vision' of what her cutie mark was telling her to do, and how to go about doing it. And when she became successful, they refused to discuss her entreaties to modernize the farm with some of the same innovations that helped her become a very rich pony.
3873597 THIS NEEDS A SEQUEL
ps. i felt that this was very dark and applejacks character was amazing with the way you handled it and i could feel all the hate eminating from applejack and each time she cursed her family i felt kinda sad. so great job.
SO AWESOME.... MIND CANNOT CONTROL AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally
this story. Please keep working on this!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't, you'll get this: 
:
. Oh and Pinkamena 
Awwww, so cold Applejack... :(
3892450
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it!
3892579
Well, this specific one probably won't get an expansion... At least not for a long while. Before I do that, I have a TwiDash piece to write, and I'd like to re-characterize the rest of the Mane 6.
Glad you enjoyed it though!
3893305
Cold, yes. But she has her reasons.
3894401
Oh I don't at all doubt it! :)
3903240
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed.
Wow.
Hmmmm. I'll be honest. I...actually somewhat disliked it. Not to say that it was badly written by any stretch, but I think you made Applejack TOO OOC. Canon Applejack is fiercely loyal to her family and loves them. I mean, sure she's got her shortcomings, but she is a genuinely good hearted, kind pony overall. I would think that on some level she would still value her family, even if she lived hundreds of miles away from them, and would make an effort to visit Applebloom, at the very least, even if it's strongly implied that she's estranged from Big Mac. What about when Granny Smith passes away? Will she find an excuse not to attend the funeral of the mare that raised her and her siblings after her parents died?
I guess what I'm trying to say is....I don't mind re-characterization, but I think you could have re-characterized Applejack without sacrificing the integrity of her core character, if that makes sense. Like...she would regret shutting her family out, and possibly want to make amends for them, because Applejack seems terribly well...lonely, to me in this. Sure she has money, power, and success, but that's all. What does she have that truly makes her life worthwhile and happy? It just seems like family bonds would still have to mean SOMETHING to her. Just...her attitude towards Applebloom was callous and downright heartbreaking to me, since in canon, those two are super close. I can only imagine Applebloom's hurt and disappointment towards her older sister turning her back on all of them.
Now I'm envisioning redemption fic of this for AJ. I do think that this idea has potential, it just feels....unfinished, I suppose. There's definite room for expansion into a full blown story arc. But maybe I just hate the thought of Applejack eventually dying bitter, lonely, and miserable.
Long comment was long....herrrr. I have some trouble envisioning Apple Jack as such a Scrooge, ya know?
3913379
Hey, thanks for the comment and the read! I appreciate it!
Your feedback makes total sense; AJ is absolutely, horrifically out of character here, relative to her persona in the show. But, that 180 degree character turn is at the heart of the writing exercise that inspired me to write this. The thrust of the assignment was to re-characterize someone so differently, they look/act nothing like their real character in the show. I would certainly never expect AJ to really be this cold or callous, but that extra 'push of the envelope' was exactly what I was looking for here.
Now, don't take that as me arguing with you; I'm definitely not, and again, your feedback is very valid. I'm just offering some insight into my thought process, in terms of "why" I wrote AJ so far off of "normal" for her.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
Grand Moff Pony
Hah, no worries. I didn't take it as you arguing with me.
I think this fic got to me because AJ is one of my favorites of the mane cast, after Fluttershy. It was an interesting writing exercise, I will give it that.
I must say, I'll be interested in seeing how you re-characterize Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy. Or Rarity.
Turning them into the inverse of their true selves sounds like what Discord did: turning Fluttershy cruel, making Rarity selfish, making AJ dishonest, etc.
*gasp* That explains it! You're actually Discord aren't you?
3913884
Ah, I do want to clarify one thing though, just to ensure you don't get the wrong impression here. My goal is to drastically re-characterize, but I am not 'Discording' them. If I were, AJ would have been an abject liar, which is a trait that I specifically avoided. In other words, my aim here is to take one/more of their core traits and twist them to a different end without simply inverting them. (hopefully that makes sense, lol)
Oh, and:
img.fark.net/images/cache/850/q/qa/fark_qae_IW2f7TjD1ubYGmyygrMkZVw.png?t=CH2_BhtuPrMXi2-rDWdelw&f=1392008400
Hey, I wrote a review of this story. If you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I found it pretty weak. I felt that this version of Applejack was simply too different not to be an OC, with little point to the similarities. However, I did like how you established her character.
Read this at 4am so I can't give really any good critics but overall I liked it
6335454 Thank you very much, and I'm glad you liked it. :)
3873597
Such a sad ending... Those cutie mark parties are an important once in a lifetime event! I was expecting her to go but get into all kinds of arguments with Big Mac and maybe even AB herself, and maybe end up storming out.
There's a lesson here that this AJ is missing: If she wants her family to respect her decision to make a life for herself in the city, then she needs to respect their desire to remain on the farm.
Without knowing a little more about the content of those letters from Big Mac, not just her biased predictions, my impression was that by that time, with that many letters waiting, they would probably be more along the lines of "we miss you, why won't you even come visit" (especially for AB's cuteceñera).
I feel like this would have been better if she had at least read the mail before burning it, even if she didn't actually go. At the end she seems more heartless than sour, honestly. Still, this was well written characterization, so don't let my disappointment at the direction it took detract from that overall success!
6670722 Thanks for the comment!
The additional content you mention ed was actually part of my original plan for the story. But, with a 5K word limit, I couldn't find a way to fit it in and do it some kind of justice. Looking back on this (my second story ever) now, some additional options and techniques that I was totally unaware of then are pretty obvious now.
That's the only downside of gaining experience and knowledge about something. Your first attempts look worse and worse as time goes on, lol.
6670940
And to be fair, for a second story this is a lot better than some people's hundredth chapters and such, so don't feel bad just because it was early work!
Ahh, I forgot about the word limit you'd listed. Seems like fertile ground for a continuation or expanded version, though...
Any specifics on what options/techniques you're talking about (out of curiosity as a fellow aspiring writer)?
A truly great story, well written, emotional, and generally good. Underrated, wish it was a little more fleshed out
11715078
Thanks for the kind word! This is one of my oldest stories too, so it's good to see it's aged fairly well, lol. :)
In truth I did have more planned for this story, but since this was written for a contest with a 5k word limit, I had to leave some things on the cutting room floor. But still, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
If you decide to check out any of my other stories, I hope you enjoy them as well. Thanks!