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  • 34w, 3d
    Update. Plus, need help.

    Hey guys!

    First blog post. Sorry for being absent again, been a crazy couple of months and its only going to get harder I'm afraid. Still haven't got much motivation though which sucks.

    Anyway, I need help. I'm going through some major restructuring of ToaC which includes redoing everything after this arc. I'm hoping to make it shorter because I don't want to be writing it for ANOTHER 3 years.

    If anyone out there is good with ideas and story-boarding, please send me a PM or something. I need the help.

    Thanks,

    Hobo

    6 comments · 150 views
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A young stallion, alone for the first time in his life, finds himself a long way from home in the Ponave, a vast wasteland filled with danger where small pockets of civilization attempt to survive while factions war over territory and power. This is the story of Clover as he attempts to make sense of his brother’s murder while exacting a personal justice over the one responsible…

First Published
21st Feb 2012
Last Modified
14th Aug 2014
#1 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

What the heck? What the... Did you rewrite this or something? What was wrong with the last story?

#2 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Intro ·

I have taken the liberty of commenting on this new revamped version. (I think thats what you did idk) So far it's.... great! :pinkiesmile:

The one thing I like is that you have a similar writing style, which is arsome.

#3 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

I like the changes. Surviving a shovel to the head is much more plausible than a bullet, and I also like the stronger relationship he has with his brother. It gives him a better reason to do good than, "you're bad, and I don't like bad things". Also you should update the other story with a link to this one to make sure everyone reading the last one knows this on exists. Keep up the good work.

#4 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Intro ·

Wow ya did turn him into a wuss. Tumblr doesn't lie it seems, but it's still ToaC so i'm excited to see where it goes.

#5 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Awesome story Ill be keeping tabs also thanks for linking me to the g-doc

#6 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Yeah! Clover so realistic, Ace so bitch, and Fun is doubled!

#7 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Wow Ace is a class A bitch. I guess in the wastes it's not a terribly bad thing though. And I'm just gonna agree with Shattered Skies. Just wish there could have been more Shamrock.

#8 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Glad to see you're all enjoying it!

#9 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

I liked more the mentally unstable clover, not the girly version :facehoof:

#10 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Damn im liking this re-vamp so far man. I had started to get withdrawal symptoms from the lack of reading your stuff!

#11 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Not bad for a rewrite, I'm looking forward to seeing how you redo the other characters.

#12 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Just give him time. Let the cries until he is able to do so. Sooner or later he will bite the throats with his teeth.

#13 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>245624

What Regolit said...kind of....

#14 · 138w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>242762

Noak, I said I was reworking the whole story a while ago. This is the outcome! well, chapter 1 of the outcome...

#15 · 138w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>246578

I haven't really looked at the last story, I did look at this though. Although I have heard of your story I never got around to reading it.

#16 · 138w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

*cracks fetlocks and smashes hooves together* Alright, let's do this.

Alright, let me get the good stuff down straight and simple- this is loads more original. The original ToaC was blatantly based off of the events of Fallout: New Vegas. This time around, the references are just little tidbits. Another thing I notice is that Clover is less of a Mary Sue (I'll be the first to admit that I initially had no idea what a Mary Sue was when I first heard it... until I looked into it, major derpness on my part), which is a good thing. He's not a fighter, and he's still traumatized by what happened to him. The brief flashes of rage induced by memories of what happened in the intro make much more sense. This time around, Clover is a bit more believable. Nice job there. :raritywink:

I was also surprised to see Snake Eyes pop up again, and he popped up earlier this time around too. I'm anticipating their subsequent encounter... though I'm still slightly miffed at the grammatical messup on "Mio diosas." Should be "Diosas mios." It's oooonly because I took four years of Spanish. :trixieshiftright:

Ace. Um. Wow. Complete redo here. At the very least, she's better than a knock-off of Sunny Smiles from New Vegas. The bar scene as a whole served its purpose- introduced Ace in all its awkwardness.

And now for the irksome details. Okay, we get it- Clover isn't as strong as before. His crying seems a tad overdone to me, however, but then again, I don't know what's going on with your plans for character development. It's a minor detail, so until we see more, I'll let it slide for now.

METAL HEEEAAAD!! Oh Goddesses, why do you do this to me? Freakin' Redline soundtrack, why you so good! >.<*

In any case, you've taken some leaps forward with the reboot with perhaps maybe a teensy step back. Keep up the good work, Hobo.

Also, I has hobo in my story nao. You cheeky bloke you.

#18 · 138w, 5d ago · 1 · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>247599 Really? That's all you can say/emote?

Also, forgot to mention because I'm generally unable to consolidate all my thoughts during reviews. Um, Ace seems more of a badass how with how she "prepared" Clover.

#19 · 138w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

*also is so jealous because you got over half the number I've gotten in three months in a single day*

See what I mean about consolidating?

#20 · 138w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Here's the thing: in the bar, Wild Card was orange, but then later he was green with a dark blue mane. I'm thinking that is a mistake, also, the "fecks" and "shites", is it intentional? (If so, are you going to explain why he talks like that?). Anyway, you have once again grabbed my attention with this intriguing story that defenitely has made improvements. To this I say: BRAVO SIR!:pinkiehappy:

#21 · 138w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>249583

damn, fixed. The misspellings are intentional because he has an Irish accent when pissed and so on so forth.

#22 · 138w, 4d ago · · · Intro ·

Rewrite time? Well, it's hard to beat the original, but you sure as hell did it! I am proud, son!

#23 · 138w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

I AM BEING SUPPORTIVE... FEAR ME! :pinkiehappy:

#24 · 138w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>256035

Supportive editor is supportive. :twilightsmile:

#25 · 138w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

hmmm... This guy cries a lot.

I mean, i am enjoying the story, don't get me wrong. He just cries too much.

:raritycry:

As a person who never read the first one (i was going to, but you were re-doing it when i went to start so i decided to wait)

i can''t say if you've improved writing wise; but my impressions of the story so far are positive.

#26 · 138w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>265370

To be fair, he has lived a sheltered life and Shamrock was his best friend. Plus the fact he is just a lost pony in a big world now is kinda overwhelming.

Plus, only real men cry. :moustache:

#27 · 138w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>265643

fair

again, not a big problem. He'll toughen up right quick in the Ponave, I assume.

>>266362

Only time will tell, amigo.

Kal
#29 · 138w, 7h ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>266362

Yup. As one of the pre-reader/editors I surely hope that he does cowboy the f*ck up and does it quick-smart!

Maybe Ace will rub off on him (not like that, stop clopping) and maybe he will rub off on her (again, stop it) enough that she loses some of her bitchy edge. I don't think she will ever lose all of that edge though.

But what awaits young Clover in the chapters to come? I dont know but I really hope he gets a damn weapon soon! :rainbowhuh:

#30 · 138w, 7h ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>269755

KAL! Y U NO SHUT UP?! :flutterrage:

hee hee, its okay. Yes, he does grow a pair.

#31 · 138w, 2h ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

>>269776

This is good

I look forward to the next chapter! :rainbowdetermined2:

#32 · 137w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 1: Death Sucks. ·

Ai reali whant see Clover lucky, he must be lucky, it's not mean what he will have Mystery Anvil what falling from sky on his enemyes, but dont afraid show extreme lucky things, realism is a looooong thing in FOE )

I just thought of something: if you ever had a part of the story that was similar to the Old World Blues DLC, it would completely make sense. The trauma from both Shamrock's death and the shovel to the face could explain how Trailblaze came to reside in half of Clover's mind. And the seperated brain could have Trailblaze's voice and Clover would have to decide whether he wants Trailblaze back or not..... oh sorry:twilightblush:. I am just telling you what to do with your story, aren't I?:derpyderp1:. Didn't mean to. It's your story, you can do whatever you want with it, and I'll be happy with the end result either way:pinkiehappy:. It would totally make sense, though....

Lol clover is hardening Ace is softening(, miss daisy :trollestia:    )  also what happenes to weapons... clover only uses hooves... i know that he don't have one or cant buy but...

>>293409

I like where you're coming from, that is actually a very good idea!

As much as I would like it to happen, I can't. Plan dictates that [spoiler] and [spoiler] happening to [spoiler] triggering the [spoiler] thus causing the [spoiler] to [spoiler]. Sorry.

This is getting good.:twilightsmile:

Yay so big and tasty chapta \0/ Ms.Daisy lolo hobo you severe you knou?) And I knou now why is takin so long, this new TOC is much harder to write ayep. Anyway Hobo GREAT WORK

>>301739 o no Spoiler alert

Review time! *cracks neck*

I gotta admit, you pulled off Ace pretty damn well this chapter. Sure, she's a helluva lot bitchier than the original version, but she still has redeeming qualities and a bit of compassion showing through. She doesn't like showing it though. :rainbowlaugh: I'm seeing this as an improvement over the original in that case. Keep it up.

Clover, on the other hand... okay, I'm a little worried. He's starting to become a bit too much of a crybaby. Pink barding? I can get that. WTF moment at Ace threatening and accusing him to be a spy? I can get that. Scared of needles? Sure, I can get that too. But whining? Like that? Even if he did kill several giant ants with his bare hooves, that kinda pushes it. If it was intended for comedy, I don't think it quite worked in my case. Again, though, he did kill several giant ants with his bare hooves. He's starting to get a teensy bit better. I just hope you don't overdo it.

(SPOILER ALERT)

Another thing- even if I barred the fact that I knew what would happen between Clover and Ace, you're still making it way, way too obvious that they're going to end up together. Just saying.

(END SPOILER ALERT)

Not too much else to comment on since the chapter otherwise simple. My main topics to discuss were Ace's and Clover's development as above. There were some grammar mishaps (which are easily forgiven since we all have them) and a couple places where Clover's and Ace's dialogue were not separated by a new paragraph, but other than that, it was a solid chapter.

Keep at it.

Also, is Julep seriously making a drawing for every chapter? o.o

>>302358

Clover is wimpy and whiny because he is both childish and a newbie.

Also, spoilers much?

as for paragraphs, I blame FiM's import.

And yes, Julep is making art for the first 20 chapters.

>>302740 Still, I can't help but feel you kinda overdo it at times.

Graah, should've thought that some ponies might not have read the original. @_@ Edited.

Oh. Somehow I can see that.

... wow. And how's he feel about that? XD

>>302928

It was his idea! It was during his commission phase and I approached him to get a commission or just donate and he gave me the idea and a price. I liked it and paid extra because I'm just that nice.

I don't think he minds...

>>302358

Also, where exactly did the paragraphs merge? (RE: Clover and Ace's dialogue getting mixed)

>>305262 Oh. Awesome. o.o

Anyways, I just looked it over, and it turned out that I derped. During those instances, Clover made a nonverbal reply (nodding and whatnot) in the middle of Ace's dialogue. My bad.

That said, lemme help you out with these.

“I'll be fine,” I grunted and started down the tunnel. “I can take these ants, that big fucker just surprised me is all.”

If I'm not mistaken, shouldn't he say "fecker" to keep with his accent?

“Clover!” Ace yelled with a stomp. “Fuck it, you can stay here with your new toy while I leave.” I got up and trotted after her. “So you are coming. Figure-”

Also, should be a question mark there, right?

And something I forgot in my review. Yay for being unable to properly consolidate my thoughts! I thought that the flashbacks with Shamrock and his father were very well done. They were playful and felt very believable, so good job there, Hobo. :twilightsmile:

Aww, poor widdle Knife Ant. He could've kept him :applecry:

I have to say I liked the original better, but over all it is really good. Tracking for good measure.

>>314791

Oh really? Why's that?

>>315118 its hard to explain but this one seems a little more confusing to me.

No way, confusing is vere autors do unbelivable main character with a lot of  goodness in, and few shitness in, give him banaly and flat friends, with undetailed relationship, and kick them in absolutely unbelivable wasteland with ony monsters, raiders,slavers....

ToaC R is much better than original, ya sai it, and no see any feckin spoiler problem here, but beer what Clov sends to Sliver, well she already drink and poke it hahah

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