Ice King kidnaps Princess Bubblegum once again and Finn and Jake follow him right into Equestria where they rescue Princess Bubblegum but then Ice King escapes and kidnaps Princess Celestia and Princess Luna now Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, two of Princess Celestia's unicorn Royal Guards, Spike and The Mane Six must work together to find and rescue Equestria's co-rulers.
Page generated in 0.073 seconds
Total duration
624 users online
802,448 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
That's Pretty Cool.
Just reading the description I see a run-on sentence. You may want to change that. I won't read the story, only because I don't watch Adventure Time. Sorry!
This story is fairly good so far, but all of your paragraphs are just run on sentences. I also didnt see very many commas either. I'll see how this story goes, try and work on your punctuation.
There are a ton of run-on sentences and the whole thing seems pretty rushed. Maybe you could expand on it a bit more. Try describing their surroundings and reactions a little more. Where did they land in Canterlot? How did they get to Ponyville?
Other than that, I think you have the basic ideas needed for a story. Just try to use more details and see how it works out.
Oops, just read the last chapter. But you may want to edit it a little more. You could probably rewrite it and get a few more chapters in. You didn't really describe how Finn and jake would react to magical ponies, or how they would react to them. If you want, I could help you with ideas to extend the story. Just gimme a call
This story seems pretty short and non-described. Please re edit it.
2979700 2979721 2979974
I don't think he knows how to write at any level above this... and honestly, I'm not even sure where to start trying to explain it to him, as this seems like something that would require a year or two of remedial English courses to overcome, not just a few story comments or e-mails. (If you think you can get through to him, Sugarush13, best of luck!)
If you look over his other stories, unfortunately, you'll see that this is how all of them are written, and that these flaws have been pointed out to him repeatedly, by multiple commenters, in every single one... and yet he persists in doing it.
A twelve-year-old girl has better compositional skills than this -- and I mean that literally; there's a 12-year-old girl on this site who's posted several stories which are actually pretty good for a 7th-grader. (Even if she does have a habit of making changes after I've already proofread them for her, then not giving me a chance to proof the changes before she posts them.
)
I mean, yes, this is just fan-fiction, and not everyone can be Tolkien or Shakespeare or Robert Heinlein. But when you've posted thirteen stories, and every one of them has far more downvotes than upvotes (except for two, which are evenly split at 50/50), and nearly every one of them has comments from multiple commenters telling you that what you're doing is wrong, and why... don't you think that maybe, just maybe, you should consider that there's a slight possibility that you're doing something wrong, and that maybe the people critiquing your writing style know what they're talking about?
(Granted, it's not my web site, so it's no skin off my nose if dbzponyninja continues to post this stuff... I just hate to see someone repeatedly making a fool of themselves without even understanding why everyone's rolling their eyes and laughing at them.)
nooo
I ran across this and decided I would check it out and it was painful to read. I would strongly suggest that you seek the help of someone who helps aspiring authors with their writing skills.
2990400
Hey, can you cheek out my stories? I'm 12 years old.
6119098 I'm not 12 years old, I'm 23.
This is not an actual story. This is the little description of a story that gets put on the dust jacket of the book.