While visiting a fancy island resort, Fluttershy faces an enemy even more sinister than the dreaded Gilda, but is she as evil as first appears? Can Rainbow Dash and the others help Fluttershy out of her time of crisis, or will Fluttershy have to stand on her own this time?
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Jeez 10k words, better get reading, looks great!
Oh, that was about as perfect a Fluttershy story as one can get.
If I may offer some gentle critique?
As I said, the story itself is very good, this will mostly be about structure.
Contracting Fluttershy's name to "F" doesn't really work, especially as it's inconsistent. A search-n-replace for all the lone Fs for Fluttershy's name would make much of this easier to read.
You've swapped "Your" for "You're" a couple of times when Twilight is admonishing Arla for claiming the island as hers.
The passenger part of a balloon like Twilight's is a "gondola". Where a "cabin" is an enclosed space.
The one most important bit of critique I want to offer is that the ending seemed a bit rushed. If you care to, I think some extra work on Arla's coming around would put some serious icing on an already delicious cake.
OK, so much for critique. I have to compliment you on your prose. It's smooth and flowing, a real pleasure to read. Your descriptions are vivid and are without tedious detail - a skill I envy. Thumbs up, for sure!
242452
Heh. "Rushed" isn't even beginning to describe that last bit. This piece was originally intended for that Feb. Write-off, but I missed the deadline by only a minute or so. Basically, I only had about fifteen minutes to crank out that ending, so I may have shorthanded it a bit for the last leg of the story. Don't worry though. I'm definitely going to go back and trim up that last scene, because there was a lot that I wanted to do with it but didn't have time, so you can look forward to that.
And darn it...I thought I had gotten rid of those F contractions. *facehoof* Oh well, I'll fix that too. Thanks for noticing!
P.S. Is it really called a gondola? I always thought it was sort of like a cabin space, but if not then that's an easy fix too.
242586 "P.S. Is it really called a gondola?" Yep.
zballoon.com/resources/BalloonParts.jpg
242602
O.o *frantically scribbling and crossing out words*
O.k. Fixed. You know, except for that last bit. I'll try to have that done up in a day or two.
242614
Ohh! Ohh! Then I'm tracking so I get to read the update.
Well done Flutteshy! Cute little story. I approve.
Yeah, could definitely tell it was rushed at the end. But everything leading up to it was splendid and well written, aside from a few minor things that were already noted. I look forward to the expanded edition!