Pegasus
Twilight got to her feet, squinting at the new town hall clock in the distance. She concentrated for a moment, her horn glowed, and the air in front of her warped into a lens. Through it, she could clearly see the time- 11.25. Exasperated, Twilight shifted her saddlebags and set off towards Rainbow Dash’s cloud house at the edge of town.
By noon, Twilight was returning to the pond and about ready to scream. Rainbow’s house was absolutely nowhere to be found. Iit wasn’t where it should have been and it wasn’t anywhere Twilight had looked. She’d looked everywhere, as well; with the assistance of a Mindslide spell she’d borrowed the eyes of the birds in the area and could now confidently say that Rainbow’s fluffy little palace wasn’t anywhere within five miles of Ponyville. She’d just sat down by the pond, ready to write the afternoon off entirely and go home, when she heard a familiar, brash voice behind her.
“You’re really late,” Rainbow Dash said, unamused. The pegasus walked round in front of Twilight and glared at her, and Twilight snapped right back.
“I’m late? You were twenty-five minutes late! I went looking for you at your house and then I couldn’t find the thing. Where in Equestria did you hide it?”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow at that, and Twilight could see a hint of amusement cross the pegasus’ face for a second.
“Twilight, I sold that house ages ago! I think it got towed to Cloudsdale or something. I live at the boutique now. You really have been living under a rock, huh?”
“I’ve just not had time to waste, okay?” Twilight said exasperatedly. “The Starswirl Bursary is a really big grant and I have to work hard to justify the university choosing me as their recipient. It’s a big responsibility so I’ve not had time for-”
“-anything and anypony else?” Rainbow interjected, shaking her head and cutting Twilight off.
“Look, I didn’t come out here to shout at you, I’m not angry,” Rainbow continued. “I came out here because Princess Celestia asked me to. I came late because I didn’t really want to see you that much and I was deciding whether or not I was going to blow the whole thing off.”
“You didn’t want to see me? But we’re friends,” Twilight said, and her voice sounded petulant even to her.
“Nah, not really,” dismissed the pegasus with the awkward expression of someone breaking minor bad news. “We used to be friends. And you’re probably still, y’know, a nice pony and all. But you haven’t talked to me in like a year and a half. You didn’t come to my Wonderbolts audition, or help out when I got suckered into that stupid dice game with Blueblood, or come get me when I got all freaked out about Rarity talking about the future and I booked it back to Cloudsdale for a couple of days. You haven’t been there for the big things, Twilight, and you sure aren’t there for the little ones, so no. We aren’t friends.”
Twilight could feel her eyes watering up. Rainbow wasn’t even being cruel- she was just being honest. Twilight had been in her own little world ever since she got the grant, but that was how it was supposed to be, wasn’t it? She was finally putting her mind to use bettering all Equestria. If that meant she had to lose out on some social connections, then that’s what it meant. Steeling herself, she steadied her voice and replied.
“I suppose you’re right,” she admitted, and saw Rainbow relax a little. “I’m not here to waffle on about the past or anything either. I’ve got to learn about pegasus magic, as per Celestia’s request, and I’ve got an elixir and no clue how to start.”
“Hey, don’t worry! I totally put a lesson together, it’s going to be awesome,” said Rainbow, smiling. “First things first- that elixir’s basically me in a bottle. You drink it and you’ll be able to feel what I feel for a bit. There’ll be some other effects too, but it’s all aimed at getting you to understand what being a pegasus is actually like. So drink all of it and watch me go.”
Rainbow waited for Twilight to retrieve the elixir from her pack, and smiled as Twilight started drinking it and her eyes immediately began to water. It was the sharpest, spiciest thing she’d ever tasted. She was put in mind, for a second, of lemon and chilli peppers, and then suddenly the taste changed, becoming smooth and milky-soothing, with hints of raspberries and other summer fruits. As soon as she’d downed the elixir, Twilight realised she felt lighter, as though she was only connected to the ground by the barest of tethers. She also felt expectant, as though something great was going to happen. And a little hungry. And kind of angry, but not as angry as she’d been earlier today. Twilight observed herself feeling these alien emotions, and narrowed her eyes a little.
“Is this some sort of feedback? Rainbow, I think I’m feeling what you’re feeling,” Twilight said carefully.
“Cool, that means it’s working. Now watch close, okay?” Rainbow said, winking once at Twilight and suddenly beating her wings hard, launching herself into the air. Twilight expected to feel her stomach fall away, but it didn’t happen. Instead, she was visited by the most wonderful sensation of freedom, a feeling of power and joy that extended from the bottom of her hooves to the top of her head, concentrated around her shoulders. Twilight couldn’t help but let out a whoop of delight as Rainbow Dash lazily looped the loop above the pond before coming back in to land- and the moment that the pegasus’s hooves touched the ground, that feeling of extraordinary lightness faded from a blinding light through her body to a quiet glow between her shoulder blades. Twilight could feel it there, a dampened sun wanting to shine and blaze through the skies again, like an itch that could only be scratched with flight.
“Is this how you always feel?” Twilight asked, shifting her shoulders uncomfortably and noticing that the anger she’d felt a moment ago had almost entirely washed away.
“Pretty much,” Rainbow said, downplaying the genuine pleasure Twilight could feel that her old friend had taken in impressing her.
“Now look at me properly for a second,” Rainbow said, and as she slowly flared her wings out Twilight gasped.
With every stretch of Rainbow’s wings, Twilight could see a flowing rainbow line appear across her friend’s body, swirling in her shoulders before splaying out across her wings and down her legs, tendrils of colour stretching around the pegasus’s chest and neck with every movement of her wings.
“See? The elixir lets you see the magic. It lives in my wings and it flows when I move them. Just like your magic lives in your horn. Now watch, I’m gonna show you a pegasus spell.”
Twilight didn’t have time to ask for a clarification before Rainbow lifted off the ground again, lazily circling to a nearby cloud. Twilight felt the raw, shining joy of flight thundering through her body; when Rainbow was off the ground, the coloured lines of magic spreading from her wings seemed brighter and more intense.
“Watch carefully!” Rainbow shouted, and turned her back on the cloud.
Twilight had seen pegasi kicking away clouds before, but she’d never been inside the kick like this. The bright tendrils of magic seemed to condense around Rainbow’s wings as she pulled back for a second, and then suddenly sprang down her legs when she kicked out at the cloud. Then, flashing red, the lines of magic actually extended beyond Rainbow’s hooves, circling the cloud for an instant before tightening like a net. The cloud was shredded in the blink of an eye, dissipating into the air as though it had disappeared.
More than that, the flash of red was accompanied by an emotional surge, a sudden, intense burst of righteous fury that was gone almost before Twilight could identify it. Rainbow set back to the ground, and Twilight could feel the pegasus’s satisfaction as she landed and her magic dimmed once again.
“Rainbow, why were you so angry for a second? When you kicked the cloud, I could feel it,” Twilight asked.
“Oh, that? It’s no big deal. Pegasus spells, like moving clouds or kicking them or the Rainboom, they all need you to have access to emotions. You don’t need to be feeling them completely at the time, but you do need to be able to feel them. Does that make sense?”
Twilight shook her head, and Rainbow rolled her eyes and started again.
“Okay, the cloud? I need anger to kick it, but I don’t need to be angry at the cloud. I was pretty angry at you earlier, so I just tapped into that. If I’m moving clouds around then I need to feel a duty to something, and for the Rainboom I think I have to feel absolutely, completely trusted. So I can’t pull that one off very often ‘cause I secretly think I’m a bit of a flake. That’s why I’m the best in Equestria at pegasus magic. Because I don’t lie to myself about how I’m feeling. Ever. You follow?”
“Yes, I think so. Except earlier you said you weren’t angry at me. I’m inside your head now so I know you’re still pretty angry,” said Twilight, and as she did so she could feel her friend’s fury bubbling up, feeding into her own desire for answers and loosening her tongue.
“So what are you angry at me about? I feel like I have the right to know-” Twilight asked, and then before she knew it Rainbow was right in front of her face, practically screaming at her.
“You abandoned me! You abandoned everypony! Applejack nearly lost her farm a couple of years ago and I bet you don’t even know about it. Spike started returning the care packages Fluttershy was making for you because you didn’t even open them. When I didn’t make the Wonderbolts and you didn’t come to see me I know Rarity wrote to you, asked you to come visit the boutique and cheer me up. I know you didn’t get those letters, because at first I thought it was Spike’s fault and after I tore a strip off him he said you had instructed him- no, you’d ordered him- to deliver no personal messages. Because they were a distraction. I was in really bad shape, I’d had the worst week of my life, and then I found out I was just a distraction to you?”
Rainbow’s eyes were watering, tears crawling down her cheeks, and this seemed to confuse the pegasus even more.
“Ugh, it’s making me feel awful saying all this. I’m really sorry, Twilight. No, no I’m not! I’m not sorry! What the hay is going on?”
Rainbow slumped back on the grass, gulping great breaths of air in in an effort to keep from crying and twisting her hooves into the soft grass. Twilight took a deep breath before speaking in a quavering voice.
“It’s- that’s the elixir. You’re getting some feedback. It’s me, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Twilight sat down by Rainbow, almost touching her, and let herself cry for quite some time. After a while, she felt a cautious foreleg around her shoulders.
“Yeesh, you really are sorry,” said Rainbow, her voice a little clearer. the pegasus reached round with her other foreleg and tilted Twilight’s face up until they were looking at each other. Twilight could see the tear tracks down Rainbow’s face, and the tired little smile she used to know so well.
“Look, if you want to mean it- the sorry, I mean- then you’ve got work to do. I can talk Rarity round, you know I can, but you really hurt Fluttershy and Applejack’s pretty furious at you over that. And how you and Big Mac ended up. She’s pretty furious in general since the farm got into so much trouble and she doesn’t have anywhere to point it, so watch out there.”
Twilight nodded carefully. Rainbow was right- if she wanted to make a proper apology, then it needed to be done in person. To all her friends. To do that, she needed information.
“The Apples nearly lost the farm?” she asked quietly.
“Oh yeah, it was this whole big stupid thing. They had a bad crop- a few of them, actually, all one after another. It turned out there was a salamander nesting under the ground, drying out all the soil while he slept. Nopony’s fault. Fluttershy dealt with the salamander, they use the little fella to heat the forge these days. Problem was, they didn’t have the bits they needed to keep running, so they took out another mortgage and that’s when they really got in trouble.
“Filthy Rich stumped up the cash, but Big Mac didn’t read the fine print as finely as he should have. The thing’s dotted with big balloon payments and if the Apples pay a day late on any of them, Filthy gets the whole farm. When the first one showed up, they didn’t have the money and Rarity just signed away the boutique, right there and then. Didn’t even think about it. But then she didn’t have anywhere to stay, and Rarity’s home is where she works, so that wasn’t a good situation. I had a think about it and realised the cloud house my folks left me was pretty nice, so I sold that and we bought back the boutique. It worked out okay.”
Twilight thought for a second before asking a question.
“You didn’t make the Wonderbolts?” she asked.
“Nope. Stage fright,” Rainbow said firmly, and Twilight realised that that line of conversation was closed. She reached for something she’d been putting together since she’d felt for herself how Rainbow felt whenever she flew.
“A long time ago you told me living in the cloud house was like flying all the time, even in your sleep,” she said carefully.
“It was,” said Rainbow quietly, looking up at the sky. “I didn’t say it worked out great, Twi. I said it worked out okay.”
The two old friends were interrupted by a shouting voice near the pond, from behind one of the bushes.
“Yo! Dash, where are ya?” Twilight and Rainbow both recognised Scootaloo’s voice, and Rainbow shouted back to confirm their location before whispering to Twilight.
“I’ve been training Scoots a little recently- don’t tell her, but I think she’s a better technical flyer than I ever was. I never had the patience. She’s here for a bit of a surprise for you.”
Scootaloo turned the corner, beaming at Rainbow, and Twilight’s heart sank a little- she really had sequestered herself away. The young orange filly she remembered was no more, replaced by the strong, brash young mare in front of her with a wicked little grin and more ear piercings than Twilight could count in one glance. The grin faded away, however, as soon as Scootaloo saw Twilight.
“Wait, Dash, you never told me she was going to be here. You just said you needed a favour.”
“Yeah, I’m teaching Twilight about flying,” said Rainbow. “I needed a spare pair of hooves to give her a lift, let her get up in the air so she can see what it’s all about.”
Scootaloo frowned, before fixing Twilight with a stare that contained genuine hatred. Twilight was shocked- what had she done to anger Scootaloo so much?
“Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry but I can’t help you. I’m not touching her. I get enough crud on my hooves as it is.”
Rainbow frowned at Scootaloo for a second, clearly confused.
“Scootaloo, knock it off! What are you-”
“Ain’t gonna happen, Dash. You can yell at me about it later. But for now, Miss Twilight Researcher Sparkle with the big grant and so many special responsibilities, I’m afraid I’m way too busy with my life to spend any time assisting you with yours. Sound familiar?” Scootaloo spat at the grass in front of Twilight, and the unicorn recoiled for a second. Even Rainbow was too taken aback to say anything before Scootaloo had launched into the air, powering away towards the town on broad strokes of her wings.
“Scootaloo!” Rainbow shouted, uselessly, before rubbing her mane and turning back to Twilight.
“I didn’t know she was mad at you. Do you know why?” she asked, and Twilight shook her head. It was probably worse that she didn’t know, she thought to herself. How had she managed to generate such animosity without even knowing it?
“Well, I think this old mare’s still got enough in her to get you home, at least!” Rainbow smiled, trying to gloss over the situation. “Look, this is easiest if you hold me around the neck and I hold you around the waist, like a hug.”
Rainbow walked over to Twilight and roughly pulled her up to balancing on her hind legs before the unicorn could object, holding her tight around the middle. There was a warmth to the hold that Twilight had almost forgotten, and as she wrapped her own forelegs around Rainbow’s neck she could feel herself relaxing in a way that suddenly reminded her of a thousand little tensions she’d been ignoring. She could feel Rainbow relaxing too- the elixir was still feeding back.
“You really needed a hug, huh?” Rainbow murmured, trying to keep a note of amusement in her voice.
“Yes,” Twilight admitted, burying her head in Rainbow’s mane. It smelt of cheap soap and a little like tangerines. “Rainbow, I’d like to be friends again. If you’ll let me.”
Twilight felt herself lift off the ground, suffused with joy, and knew Rainbow had taken flight.
“I’d like that too,” said Rainbow. “But you gotta mean it this time, okay?”
They didn’t say anything else for a while, and as they flew Twilight could feel the elixir fading away. As it did, she could feel a calm, cold clarity descending around her thoughts- while she’d been under the effects of the elixir, it had been so much easier to let her emotions guide her. She didn’t think she’d lied, but that desire for companionship wasn’t burning as brightly now. It was still something she wanted, though, she admitted to herself. Her reverie was interrupted by a sudden bank to the left, and she realised Rainbow was circling downwards. Snapping back to reality, Twilight suddenly noticed that Rainbow was sweating profusely, and grunting with effort.
“Rainbow? Are you okay?” she asked, worried.
“I’m fine! Just- sweet Celestia, Twilight, how much do you bucking weigh?” Rainbow snapped out through clenched teeth. “I’m having to put us down early and you cannot be angry when you see where!”
“What?” Twilight asked. Holding Rainbow as she was, she could only see the sky. “Where are we landing?”
Rainbow didn’t answer, and as they spiralled tighter towards the ground Twilight realised why.
She could smell apples.
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O,O someones about to be pissed off
Ack, well written but kind of depressing.
What did I do to deserve an update like three hours after I finished the first chapter?
Now you've got me hooked. Well, I guess I can wait for the next one. If I have to.
Oh, dear. We know what she did to piss off the pony who's about to yell at her dumb ass but what did she do to antagonize Scootaloo? And why haven't we heard about Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom?
Thumbs up, well written and a little confusing at times but I love it.
242104
You are an evil man for making them break up... I want more!!!
242381 There's a tiny hint in what scootaloo says as to why she's mad at Twilight.
As far as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle go, fret ye not! They'll return to the narrative eventually.
242429
Ah....The "When I needed help, you had your muzzle rammed in a book and told me to not bother you with 'trivialities' " thing. Gotcha.
242369 At least she is becoming friends with Dash again. So there is hope for a happy end.
..... Of course everything could go wrong and it ends really really badly.......
We will just have to wait and see...... yep.... wait..... and.... wait.... and............ Sigh, there sure is a lot of waiting for these great stories, but it is totally worth it.
Hrrrm. Either Spikkety-Wikkety-Woo Feels Under-Appreciated and vents to the CMC or Scootaloo has a Crush on the Purple Menace and He's being worked too hard for her to see him with any Regularity
I may have an idea on how this is going to end. Ain't pretty at first but that's how some stories go, right?
Oh boy. Applejack is going to buck her pretty hard.
You're certainly good at breaking your readers' hearts, guy. But you're also good at making us feel pretty darn good, so I hope you manage to put both skills to good use.
But wait, why the hell was Dash delivering mail instead of seeing Twilight? That doesn't seem like her thing. And I don't see her getting so angry when Spike says she's not delivering personal mail, but a little annoyed. She can just go see Twilight, and all her friends are aware how wrapped up she can get in her work. Didn't THEY come see her? Friendship IS a two-way street, and it doesn't seem like they've been good friends either. If they were, they would have put forth the effort to bring her back, not just give up at the first sign of trouble. And Dash is the element of LOYALTY, so that makes even less sense...
What happened to Pinkie Pie? Wouldn't she be focused on making sure that stuff like this never ever happens? I know she could be in Canterlot with the princess, but you'd think that if she knew trouble was brewing in Ponyville, she'd be able to come right down. I mean, Canterlot isn't THAT far away, after all. I can see Fluttershy allowing herself to drift away, and Applejack, seeing her stubbornness and the whole thing with Big Mac, but not Dash. Not at all. Or Pinkie, as I've said. Rarity is somepony who gets caught up in her work all the time, and somepony that knows Twilight, so I don't see her getting hurt because she won't answer the mail or something. I see her as the one who understands her plight the most.
And it's not just that: ALL of Twilight's friends get her little quirks and deal with them, just as she deals with theirs. I don't see a compelling reason why they gave up on her instead of trying to work things out. She was one of their closest friends, and it sounds like they did fuck all in trying to keep her friendship, from what I can see. That's like if Pinkie went Pinkamina in Party of One and Dash just left her there to stew in her anger and then everything went to hell because her friends kept ignoring her. I can't see that happening either, because friends take care of each other. It's even less forgivable in this circumstance, because they know that Twilight can get caught up in her research, they KNOW she can have tunnel-vision sometimes and forget about important things. And Twilight has SPIKE, her assistant who knows her problems better than anything and has the contacts necessary to end this whole conflict and has done so when Twilight was doing weird stuff before.
And what about the bucking princess? Come on, she had to know what was happening! Twilight obsessively wrote her letters about friendship, and I daresay she knows about all of this. I mean, how can she NOT? You have Luna up there with Pinkie Pie, and Twi is one of Pinkie's closest friends. And I bet the others at least send letters up there, or that when she heard about all the troubles--okay, that might be too dependant on how characters wound up in the story, but based on what we know, it still wouldn't matter. Most of them are still in Ponyville, and there's no real reason put forth why they wouldn't try harder to save her than not at all.
You had a good ending, author, and I don't really see why you needed to go and make it really sad and depressing on us. But at least make it logistically sound, and don't put all the blame on Twilight for this. I don't know, maybe you have answers for all this concerns, but they REALLY stick out to me as a reader right now, and I can't see a single reason how things could have got this way if Twilight's friends were being her...well, friends. I don't really see a reason they wouldn't be, so it just seems like it was done just to have everything go to hell.
I can SEE Dash acting how she does now once Twilight gets to that point a little--no, I can't even see that. I can't imagine her and the rest of the gang not constantly mentioning her when they run into trouble and trying to make her come around, or even just in the day-to-day. I'm sorry, author, I LOVE your previous story, but this does not make any sense to me at the moment. I know you're a good writer, but I don't know if you can get me to buy this premise. And it's not because you're a bad writer, but I don't know if it's POSSIBLE given the scenario you have, them just drifting apart when a good chunk of them, if not all of them, still live in Ponyville.
I wanna hope that you can pull this off, but...I dunno.
I want to know if Spike is going out with Sweetie Bell... and when is Twilight going to befriend Spike again after becoming distant with him, she doesn't really know anything he does now.
Tracking this!
242670 First things first- it is hell of heartwarming to me to see someone take this much time to deconstruct the fic. It means you've really read it and engaged with it, and as an author, I can't ask for much more. Let me see if I can answer your points one at a time, but bear in mind that I will occasionally say "Wait and see"- this fic has been planned a lot more comprehensively than Smartypants, and I think I've got answers for most of your questions.
Okay, first of all: why didn't Dash just go and see Twilight instead of writing? There's really two parts to this one. Firstly, i figure Rainbow did, for the most part and for a long time, invite Twilight to things personally. Twilight just keeps non-comitting and not showing up. Secondly, the mail she mentions not getting through isn't from her- it's from Rarity, on her behalf, when she's feeling upset. Rarity strikes me as the type to prefer a heartfelt letter when trying to reach a friend as opposed to the personal intervention. I figure Rainbow finds out, long after the fact, that Rarity wrote to Twilight and asked her to come visit. Rainbow is grateful to have a reason as to why Twilight didn't come visit her- the mail got lost! She finds Spike first and asks him what is the deal with not sorting out Twilight's mail properly so she loses her messages, and Spike reluctantly tells Rainbow he was under instructions not to deliver it. Rainbow sort of gets a double-whammy of rejection, and for her, that's the thing that makes her think hey, Twilight's not my friend any more.
As far as Loyalty goes? Rainbow shows a heck of a lot of that in this chapter. Despite drifting apart, Rainbow's still pretty sure Twilight's not a total jerk, that there's some reason why she's shut everypony else out. She shows a lot of loyalty to Twilight- she also shows a lot of respect for what she saw as Twilight moving on with her life and leaving them behind.
What I'm going to change, and it's a subtle change but an important one that you've highlighted- I'm going to change 'mail' to 'messages'. Spike's not just limited to the mail. He's under instructions not to let Twi be bothered, and I think that'll help clarify what I meant, so thank you for that!
Secondly, Pinkie is the focus of the next chapter, so I'm going to go into the hows and whys of her relationship with Twilight collapsing there. I can't give too much away now, but suffice it to say- I think you're right that Dash and Pinkie are the two ponies most focussed on keeping the group together. You'll see exactly what happened soon, but the points you raise are great ones. I'll go into it a bit more after chapter 3 when it's up!
Thirdly, you're right that Twilight's friends try to give her a lot of slack for her quirks. They know she can tunnel-vision. What I'm hoping to show as the narrative goes on is exactly how tiring it can be to constantly reach out to someone who keeps seeming to reject that friendship. I do promise I will go into the effort it's taken here- but there's only so far people or ponies will go to keep trying to be friends with someone who seems not to dislike them, but just not to be very engaged with their lives, constantly and consistently.
It's not all Twilight's fault, I promise- there are big segments of the narrative that deal with a lot of your worries and concerns.
Finally, why hasn't the princess done something? That was something I wrestled with during the planning of this story. Suffice it to say there are reasons as to why the princess is dealing with the situation as she is, with this series of lessons, and reasons why she did not interfere sooner.
I think that covers everything! Oh, wait, one more thing- why do a sad followup to FuMS? Because I've not written something sad before. I wanted to stretch myself- to see if I could credibly write a character who has fallen away from what they should be, and their attempted redemption (which may or may not be successful to greater or lesser degrees, I'm not giving away the whole plot!)
In any case, I would love it if you would bear with me on this one. Your criticism is well thought out and extremely constructive, and I think you will, genuinely, enjoy where I'm going with this.
yup, this is a track-worthy story. im interested to see how things worked out between pinkie and princess luna.
...Don't like the part with Filthy Rich. He didn't seem to be that kind of asshole in the show. He seemed to be on genuinely friendly terms with the Apple Family with only his daughter being a stuck up little brat.
242929 That's fair. For the fic, I figure he was on good terms with them but couldn't resist this particular deal.
It seems to me that the point of all of this is to get Twilight to see what her absence has done. I've been going over this in my head and I've come to the conclusion that while things would still have gone much the way they did, her presence would have made what couldn't have been prevented had she been there more bearable.
242929 This is essentially Filthy's fanon persona. The show itself lacks true flankholes, and the brony community tends to fit characters more towards what they would be viewed like in real life. For example, the common portrayal of Derpy as Ditzy, a surprisingly intelligent pony striving past her eye condition.
On a related note, I could totally see Scootaloo going somewhat punk as a young adult, as well as using technical to compensate for RD's superior natural speed. It shows she followed her intentions, but as she grew up she let go of the absolute hero worship of youth and did it her way.
The idea of pegasus magic being "fueled" by emotion is an interesting idea, and certainly meshes with the concept of pegasi's active attitudes. Not sure if Pinky Pie can be considered a good choice for earth pony magic though, since her fourth wall breaking borders on the psychic/astral well beyond "standard" earth pony magic. Or perhaps it's an extended conciousness of earth and sort-of beyond making her the perfect candidate. Looking forward to how this plays out.
This could be interesting. You have my attention, lets hope you can keep it, as it's span is shorter then a retarded squirrels'
Only problem I got with this is that friendship goes both ways. If they really wanted to keep Twilight as a friend, they would have tried harder than just writing letters.
Other than that, I like it.
I'm not sure what to think anymore, I'm going to be tracking and reading along, but well... I'll let you know if I feel some criticism crops up out of confusion.
A bit sad to hear all this about Twilight... I feel sorry for her... Still it's good written and I like the idea of there being different magics for each of the race :D
242753
Rainbow doesn't strike me as the type to let Rarity handle it. There was this excellent fic that dealt with the same thing yours did: Twilight getting caught up in her studies and ignoring her friends. And despite Twilight's insistence that no one was to bug her, despite Spike trying to keep her away, Dash barges in her house and forces her outside.
THAT is Rainbow Dash, and that's who I have the most problems with in your story right now. Your job is to get her to the point she's at now, so I can't rightly say anything about it except for how hard it's going to be; Personally, I think that you have some gold going with 'life happened' and I couldn't fix it, because she'd be longing to fix it, and that's the only thing that could or would stop her, and even that would have to be dealt with carefully.
But then there's the issue of how she acts towards Twilight, which I CAN comment on. That did not feel like Dash at all. I can see her angry and resentful, but not callous. I would think she'd be guilty about what happened, how she could have done more to stop it, and that even though she'd still be angry, still be hurt, she'd jump at the opportunity to try and makes things right. The Dash you have here is just...cold. That's almost the only way I can describe her. It doesn't feel like her in the most basic way, and that, to me, is a huge issue. You say Pinkie and Dash hold the group together, mostly, and that's true. But Dash is the only one who'd actively recover a dying friendship however she could, who'd beat herself up everyday for failing to do it...
Getting Dash to stop trying is only part of the problem, as big as it is: it's her entire attitude. If she had some guilt, that would be a little easier to take in. If she were eager to repair this whole thing and thought of Twilight as pitiable, she'd be perfect. But she seemed almost uncaring, like she'd moved on. And that just doesn't feel right to me. It seemed even stranger, given the opportunity you had in this chapter to show Dash's emotions...
Like I said, the big problem in this story is going to be justifying the break of friendship. Twilight is the link to the princess. Twilight is the glue that holds everyone together, Twilight's friends all would do anything for each other to keep their friendship. The interesting thing to me is to note why Twilight didn't have friends to start: she was exposed to many ponies, she just ignored them. And now she's around ponies that won't let her, and that she doesn't WANT to ignore them to start with. These are some stubborn friends who wouldn't let her get as far as she does. I know you said that you can only do so much, but that's a stretch given the characters. Someone would have drug her out by her horn before days had gone by, let alone weeks, or months, or years. And after that, Twilight doesn't seem--now--the type who would go back after seeing what she did wrong.
It's going to be really hard, and I'm not sure if you can ever do it right. The conflicts in the friends lives, although it doesn't make sense that they wouldn't go to her, wouldn't constantly be thinking about her, would be key in this. Maybe Twi's friends let her alone because of her relationship with BM and their relationships, and when they break up they leave her alone to process it. It wouldn't TOTALLY make sense, and the idea has pretty much the same flaws as the story has now, but it's along the same lines as something I'd want to see, because those flaws are to a much lesser extent.
But I'm not buying that they would just get frustrated and give up on her. I don't think I ever will. And unless there's something else to it, that's probably going to be the case for a lot of people. Not to try to push you in any direction, but I'm totally going to push you in a direction: that is the most important issue that this story MUST solve in order to be believable. I get that this is a redemption fic, and that it will focus more on that, but it also, by definition, have to focus on what led to what caused everything to go to Shit City quite a bit as well.
I also hope this ends up happy. By that, I mean that they at least all wind up friends with some hope for Twilight to have a future love interest. Maybe not even Big Mac, perhaps PREFERABLY not Big Mac. (That fic I mentioned earlier has me thinking of TwiDash. Oh how complicated that would be in this story, although RBD living with Rarity when they don't love each other anymore would be an interesting story dynamic--Celestia I have to stop before I write this!)
I mean, Celestia has to have some plan, right? It just wouldn't make sense that she'd let everything get this fucked up if she didn't have a plan.
Edit:
I just came up with exactly how I wanted to put my problems with Dash in text even better: Dash is emotionally driven. She doesn't DO cold that well. (DON'T even say 20% cooler or I will slap you). I can see her be really mad, sad, and resentful.
"How could you do this? I love you, your friends love you, this whole TOWN loves you..." etc. Bonus points if some sort of breakdown follows. But her being like,
"Oh, yeah, I guess we're not really friends anymore. I mean, you weren't THERE for me. I didn't even want to BE here right now. But I guess we could give it another shot..." Sounds wrong on so many different levels. It's distant, it's detached... Like something you'd tell an acquaintance, not a former best friends. I'm sorry, but it just REALLY bothers me.
Other than that, I'm grateful for the answers you gave me, and I'll keep a close eye on possible answers to my questions you couldn't answer yet. Keep it up!
I had one of those weird moments of clarity: So I'm wondering as I'm doing yardwork, Dash, no matter how neglectful Twilight is, will always want to come back to save her, more than the others, even. How do you solve that? Make her not want to come back! It's SO simple. I mean, you can have Twilight hurting and Rainbow Dash bugging her to come out and Twilight saying the wrong thing at the wrong time out of hurt and then BAM! You have the toughest character crying and Twilight to blame. And she wants to apologize, she really does. But after she's done with this one last thing with her work... And when they come around to demand an apology, Spike turns them away. THEN you have the fallout! THEN you have the anger.
I'm not saying you should use it, in fact it would take an entirely different Dash than what you've portrayed to pull this off, and I don't think this is the angle you're going for, but I thought it was pretty near.
Yeah, I added an Author Watch to the Previous Fav that 'Smartypants' got and the Track that I have on this.
I've read a few of the deconstructing comments and your replies and I feel like you just kind of deserve the fans you have. So you, yourself are on my watch list.
You officially have another fan,
Sincerely,
PRG
This story is awesome and it's going in my list of fave's xD
I want this to be a multi-million dollar movie, i'd watch it many times over
244598 Celestia damn it, I love your comments! They're so thought-provoking. I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't taken a good hard look at my plans after reading them, and I'd be lying even further if I said nothing at all has changed. You make some excellent points- I believe the fic will answer them.
Now, I'm going to get back to writing it, because I want to discuss this stuff with you- I really do- but I have information you don't have. Yet. I'd love to hear if you think it justifies what's happened, when it's up.
On a second note- I was actually pretty surprised to see that you've no stories up yourself. You really know your little ponies, you write very clearly, you have a knack for plot- story plot, I mean- and I know I went to your profile to see what you'd written. Your criticism is excellent. I believe your stories could be likewise. Think about it, okay?
This sounds realistic, I like it so far. Depressing, but good. And although I can see that the other 5 could have tried harder, there is a two way street, and sometimes, if someone wants to be left alone, there's nothing you can do. I can see why they would be angry.
I already had this tracked. (One of Two Elite stories I am tracking)
But seeing reviews longer than the Chapter really confirms that I picked a good one!
One thing that bug's me is that all the ponies are acting like they are "Old".
5 Years is along time but it doesn't turn them into "Geezers".
Love your story.
246429
Heh, the only story I've written was Cupcakes, Magic, and Dragons, and THAT was something I was too embarrassed to post here. I guess you could find it if you really wanted to, but it was pretty bad. I think I slapped that together for the WTG around week...four(?) in two days. Horrible flow, an abundance of exposition blocks, characters that I did not and could not bring to life...really, the kindest thing my readers could tell me was to stop. I might pick up the pen someday when I figure out how to use it. But I love fanfics to death, and I love helping you guys any way I can. Comments like yours make me want to stand up and shout, "I'm helping!" Thank you for the praise and thank you for considering my ideas!
I loved Miss Smartypants, and this has been good so far. But for the sake of my heart, I'm going to interpret this as a being a separate continuity than your last work until things start looking up again. It ended so perfectly for everypony that I'm keeping them like that mentally for now.
It's so true (and tragic) how people don't drift apart all at once; it takes time, small acts of forgetfulness or apathy until you just have familiar strangers. The heaviest part of it all is that this is completely within Twilight's character. She's not a bad pony, just a flawed one. It's such a powerful message because it's so relateable.
I really look forward to seeing how it all turns out. I'm so invested in the characters at this point...
...Aw man, I guess I really can't do it. It's the time and enjoyment from Miss Smarty Pants that's keeping me so invested, and I can't just ignore that for the sake of protecting myself from what may happen next.
So I guess this is what I'm saying. You're carrying the hearts of a lot of readers for the time being. It's a powerful position and a burdensome one as well. They'll continue to follow your work because it's just so good, but be careful with them. A heart is such a fragile thing.
Personaly im not one for sad fics like this but it is a sequal to fixin miss smartypants and i love i also have one thing to start more comedies after this your hilarious when it comes to comedies man keep up the great work you like my favorite write and your doing amazing hope to see more like this really soon
Tracking and thumps up! Ill leave by wall-o-text as more chapter is up :D
244598 I disagree heartily! Rainbow Dash is all about 'callous'. 20% cooler indeed! Rainbow Dash is always trying to seem aloof and unfazed, as is anybody pursuing the ideal of 'cool'. I don't see anything wrong with her bottling things up.
251870
There's a difference between ACTING callous to hide your emotions and actually BEING callous, to not appear to have the emotions or emotional response that would be appropriate.
252999 I think Rainbow did feel the emotions. Didn't Twilight feel Rainbow's anger and sadness when she drank the potion?
Another point is that it's been a few years. Anger cools with time. Rainbow might've been furious at first, and then given up. Though that gives the question "Why didn't Rainbow go and give Twilight a pounding years ago?"
But yeah, I'm no expert and you seem to have a rep' for knowing your way around such matters, so I'll defer to your judgement.
253105
That's what I thought. But it was mostly anger, and it didn't seem like she really cared for Twilight that much at all. The author--and I apologize if I got the wrong impression--seemed to hint like they eventually gave up on her, that they just drifted apart. And that's pretty much it. No explosion of emotion, no big fight...they just...give up. When Dash said the they weren't really friends so calmly, it bugged me. To quote myself:
"Oh, yeah, I guess we're not really friends anymore. I mean, you weren't THERE for me. I didn't even want to BE here right now. But I guess we could give it another shot..."
"Though that gives the question "Why didn't Rainbow go and give Twilight a pounding years ago?"
That's my main question.
"Another point is that it's been a few years. Anger cools with time. Rainbow might've been furious at first, and then given up."
I expect that. But how much that justifies things depends on how the author presents it, and I hope it's in a different way than he's presented Dash so far.
"But yeah, I'm no expert and you seem to have a rep' for knowing your way around such matters, so I'll defer to your judgement. "
Oh, PLEASE don't. I'm far from all-knowing, and you brought up some excellent points and questions.
253154
I d'know. I see your points, but... 5 years is a long time. Assume, what, 2 years for things to go wrong and the fallout to settle? That's still 3 years of nil contact. I'm sure Dash lasted longer than the others, but that's still plenty of time to got from 'Ex-best friend' to 'Aquaintance... yeah, I guess we were close once...'. She holds the Element of Loyaly, but she's not one to spend the rest if her life carrying a (non-romantic) torch over a failed friendship.
Heck, if she was still worried about her lost friendship after all this time? You could make a decent fic over people telling her to get over it.
What if Rainbow did try to go after Twilight, and Rarity (or somepony else) stopped her?
As Bashfluff is alluding too...
The plot doesn't really fit within the guidelines of the previous story. Characters have taken quite a turn from their previous positions, and without a significant amount of back-story, it's somewhat abrupt. Even then, the limited dialogue between TS and RD seems to lead that Twilight grew distant rapidly, not gradually, and that nobody seemed to do anything about it. Highly unlikely from a variety of perspectives.
I don't think the story would have gone through as many issues if you hadn't set it into an already pre-established fan-on universe. I'm tracking, but too many elements clash for me to say its a good read. Sad I can deal with, but it needs to have a real cause behind it.
Coming from your previous story, this might be the biggest mood swing sequel I've ever read. I was taken aback to see everypony have their happily ever after become... this. What! How? Why? I hope not all our ponies got their lives shattered; this fic's already depressing enough
And that's why I'm tracking this story.
255045 I know, im in the same boat. You go from a happy ending, to complete mayhem. Awesome job!
Man, you're laying it on pretty thick with the 'Twilight has been out of touch and doesn't know what's going on', aren't you?
Meh, I think if Filthy tried to pull that shit, Fluttershy'd lose her temper and she has some nice big carnivores at her beckon call; the Everfree Forest is useful when you think about it. Plus couldn't they borrow some cash from Luna, I'd think she'd be amenable to that?
I understand Twilight is a bit of a shut-in, and all the other stuff mentioned, but this seems a little too extreme for me. I'm glad I read the comments, though. I was honestly about to stop reading and move on, but my doubts have been...curbed.
Pegasis magic being powered by emotion fits rather well with what we've seen fluttershy do in the series. She's generally shown as being a poor flyer and that would fit with her introverted personality presumably on a sort of feedback look, cant fly well, feels bad about it, makes her flying worse, feels worse about it, etc. The few times that she does show exceptional flying tends to be when her facade cracks i.e. 'The big, dum ,meany!!'
so when the pent up emotion comes pouring out she sort of overclocks and goes all out.
Or maybe I'm just over thinking this