• Member Since 25th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 15th, 2020

OtenBrony


Nothing much to say. I write stories. Big suprise right?

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Lyra had always gazed upon her friend in a special way, but she doesn't know if Bon Bon looks the same way as her. Still, Lyra cannot wait any longer with her feelings bottled up insider her. She WILL reveal her feelings for Bon Bon to her; Lyra just hopes she doesn't embarrass herself in front of Bon Bon in the process and risk ruining any chances with her.

(This is a first time fanfic, so any constructive criticism is very much appreciated)

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 19 )

I always do like good Lyra and Bonbon stories, and this is no exception. I found it it funny and interesting to read.

I do have a few criticisms though. There was a wall of text at one point that fit the screen top to bottom, try to break it up to make it easier to read. Also if Lyra already gets Bonbon by the end of the first chapter then it feels a little bit rushed, I figured there could be at least a few more scenes with Lyra trying to swoo Bonbon. Then again it might just turn out to be the dreams of a passed out pastel pony. What do I know about where this is headed? Hehehe

Overall I liked it and can't wait for the next chapter.

2937693 Thanks for the pointers and also for the feedback. I can definitely see where you're coming from with the rushing it, and I promise to do my best to not do so. And I hope you enjoy the rest that is to come :raritywink:

I really like the idea of berry punch being wise when she's sober. :rainbowlaugh:
It was a good chapter, can't really think of anything wrong with it so keep up the good work. :derpytongue2:

2956487 Thanks for the positive feedback :pinkiehappy: I'll admit, the idea for BP just suddenly popped into my mind while planning this chapter, and I just decided to put it in. It's good to know that it worked :yay:

Nothing really note worthy here. It did have some funny parts with the post office being closed but other than that not much. It was okay.

2992182 Yeah, I felt the same way whilst writing it. I think it's mostly due to the fact that I'm trying to build up this arc of the story. Hopefully the rest will make up for it

2992519
Well the chapter did do a good setup with having lyra not be able to complete her goal.

Now I'm curious about what the pay off is. Will she accept defeat and return with nothing? Or will she do something drastic. Ooh the possibilities!

That was funny, but you might want to pay a bit more attention to spelling/grammar. Some of the sentences make no sense like "A slight small of happiness began to spread across Lyra's mouth."
I was half expecting her to find derpy in the building.:derpytongue2:

3004023 Yeah the grammar and spelling errors were a stupid mistake of mine. I was really pushed for time while typing it up so I didn't have a chance to double check that stuff as I usually do. I shall clean up all the errors I see when I check the chapter again :twilightsmile:

I think the sex tag is only if you describe it, otherwise it's just mature.

Oh god the things that can happen in one drunken night. It's going to be fun to see how Lyra tries to make things better.
Good drama in this one, definitely didn't see Berry Punch coming back into the story.

3034332 I think you're right about the tag. I'll take it off and see what happens. :derpyderp1: And yeah, many things can happen in one night :rainbowlaugh:

lyra is mint green rainbow dash is cyan:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:
good story thou

3495102 dang it, you are right. I never even realized I was making that mistake. :ajbemused: Thanks for the feedback though! :twilightsheepish:

3495154 yeah if I remember correctly, I call Lyra cyan whenever I refer to her by her color. I know how to color very well.

Just saying that Lyra is a light green pony with a mint green mane and a single streak of white in it, not cyan (that's the color of her---> :rainbowdetermined2:) with turquoise blue but that's just me nit-picking

Thissshhss wuss ta bshed stry erver.
Berry, how the hell did you get here?!
I can do whatever I want when I'm drunk.
Wait, why didn't you slur in that last sentence?
Um, no reason, got to go, bye!
Sorry about that.

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