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Wow... This takes the darker side of the Fallout series and lays it out for all to see. I look forward to more. Liking and favoriting now!
2908473
Thanks, being a new writer, having the positive support really motivates me to continue writing /)
Very nice, I look forward to more.
Good chapter.
2929965
Just posting a comment to let you know I have read your story, and I did write a review for it. However, it appears my Baltimore hotel's internet ate it instead of posting. You can expect a new version up within a day or so, now that I'm back in Blighty.
Apologies for the inconvenience.
3007325
No worries. I thank you for the time and effort you put into helping me /)
NCR/NLR AND PROUD!
Alright, now this is the third FO:E sidestory I've reviewed under the WRITE banner, and I couldn't possibly tell you how many I've done either freelance or with other groups. Not entirely sure why I keep coming back to these. Maybe it's some form of masochism, or weird self-schadenfreude. Or maybe I'm keeping up hope for another Murky Number 7. Or, hell, maybe I'm just dumb.
Whatever the reason...
IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME
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Technical stuff and things
Okay then, first on the list is that your opening few paragraphs read rather oddly. Nothing catastrophic, just weird. They suffers from a mild case of being overly telly, lack variation in their setup and have a slightly monotonous tone. To elaborate, your first paragraph is essentially "He did this. He did that. It was smelly. He did another thing; it broke". Not technically wrong, but awkward as hell. I'd say mix up the sentence structure a bit, varying the length and content of each. Making it less about what he's doing and more about how he's feeling couldn't hurt either.
Good to see you know how to use a semicolon, though. That's promising.
Like I said, none of these strong enough to affect the section on their own, but together they combine to make CAPTAIN PLANET an unusually stiff read.
Note from Future Plum: Yeah, the overuse of personal pronouns is definitely a recurring thing. Combining some of the shorter sentences should help cut that down, as well as using actual nouns instead.
More Future Plum notes: Okay, the sentence structure becomes a really big problem. Almost every sentence follows the same basic pattern of X did Y. Gets really boring.
Future Future Plum: Things improve in chapter two, but they're still not great.
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Of note is a minor spelling mistake you make on occasion. If something is radiated, it is given off by an object. The word you're after is irradiated, where an object is contaminated by radioactive materials (so called because they radiate alpha, beta or gamma particles). Worth remembering, considering how many things are irradiated in Fallout
Geiger counter
This bit doesn't quite sit well with me. Saying it consisted of something implies that it was either made up of lots of things, or instead one huge thing that dominated everything else. To make it work here, it'd either be something like constant fights or one long fight.
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I'm saying it once again, you use the word "he" a lot. This could easily get confusing later on when you have multiple male characters, as well as what I said before about the boring sentence structure.
Also, which applies to inanimate objects/non-living things (e.g. doors and teams). Who is what you want here.
You do have occasionally absent commas. An example would be “Thanks to you Goodsprings won't have any Powder Ganger trouble for a while.”
See this sort of thing on occasion. Not technically wrong, just an odd way of phrasing it. We normally say around a corner, or out of cover.
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Very occasional misuse of apostrophes, like above. Here's a quick and easy guide to help figure out if you need them.
Now, that's a fairly dull way of putting it. I, personally, find characters saying "AHHH!" or similar to be the least effective way of conveying fear/pain, and getting up violently just sounds weird. I'll admit, I couldn't tell that the dream had ended for a second. I thought he jumped up onto his broken leg, or something.
"Steele screamed, leaping out of bed" or something like that would be a better way of putting it. I'll let you make up your own
Similar to the screaming thing, all-caps isn't something I'd recommend here. The lack of an exclamation point just makes it sound like he's shouting in a rather bored tone. Similar to what an angry member of the Neutral Planet would do.
[youtube=ussCHoQttyQ]
Italics, or maybe even bold would work better, I feel.
And yes, I do get the reference to the original FO:E
A note for the diaries and similar excerpts:
Please make it easy to differentiate them from the rest of the story, aye? Italics is the most common way of doing it. Some indent the text, but that's not that common. Hell, some even go the extra mile and create fake images of the crumbling pages, or whatever, but that's rather extreme.
Regardless, some way of being able to tell them apart from everything else is an absolute necessity.
The bit with the story and stuff
'Kay, let's start with the basics here. It's clearly a ponification of the intro to Fallout: New Vegas, told from the perspective of another inhabitant of Goodsprings while the Courier is doing his thing. No prizes for spotting that. Couple of problems, though.
Firstly, names like "Trudy" don't really fit in with the typical naming style of MLP. I know it's the bartender's name in the game, but it kinda stands out in a lineup. Littlepip, Blackjack, Hired Gun and Trudy. Sounds like a Gilbert and Sullivan sketch, or something.
Also of note: The Courier wasn't a vault/stable dweller. I'm not sure if this is you making the mistake, or if it's Steele making an assumption based on Hermes' garb, but I thought I'd better point that out just in case
Yet More Future Editing: Aye, it's just Steele's assumption. Nicely played.
That being said, I really like the fact that the main character isn't the one we'd expect. In pretty much every other FO:E story (and the Fallout games themselves) the protagonist is the fresh-faced youngster, still smelling of mould and antiseptic from the vault/stable. It's a really refreshing change of pace to have the seasoned companion actually take the lead, as would make sense in most situations. Good job
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Ah, should've seen this one coming a mile off. Still didn't, somehow. Don't know why, especially since the intro is essentially New Vegas and all. Still...
Easily one of my biggest gripes with FO:E sidestories is the fact that none of them quite match up. This is something like the 7th or 8th depiction of ponified post-apocalyptic Las Vegas I've seen, whether it be from the titular Viva Las Pegasus, Tales of a Courier or Heroes (the city's technically called Dise, but it's Las Pegasus in everything but name, right down to the factions).
Still, not much I can really do about that. In an ideal world, you'd all work together and share headcanons, but I don't see that happening, realistically.
Okay, so Steele is a black and grey stallion with a tragic backstory, wears a black duster/cowboy hat combo, and wields twin .44 magnums that he named himself? Oh Jesus. That description does scream Mary-Sue. You'll need to handle the story very carefully to avoid him turning out that way.
Oooh, okay. Hmm. Y'see, I've never been a fan of this whole NLR vs SE conflict thing in bronydom. Tyrant!Celestia and Rebel!Luna aren't characters I particularly enjoy. I tend to groan audibly when I see others discuss them.
That being said, I'm not that bothered with the naming of the Legion as the Solar Legion. In fact, I like what you've done with Celestia as the ruler. I can see where you're coming from with that whole doohickey, it's just the tie-ins with NLR don't sit well with me. It could be an unnecessary reference that I'm picking up on, or maybe it's just personal bias against anything NLR related. Meh, I'll let you decide.
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One thing I'm not clear on on what the Solar Empire was. Is this some sort of AU FO:E spinoff in which Equestria split during the war? Or is it more like the Romans of the Legion actual, being an ancient empire from a couple millennia ago? Some clarification would be nice. Also, explaining where the Legion got their ideas for slavery from. If it was them making it up, fair enough, but Celestia actual keeping slaves is something that'd require one hell of a lot of explaining.
Uh, could you clarify what you mean here? I'm having a hard time picturing it.
General Doohickeys
Okay, okay, I know this isn't a major criticism, but it is something I noticed almost immediately upon starting to read.
How'd he get a working alarm clock in the Wasteland? I mean, it's either main powered or batteries, and I don't see him stumbling across any AAs in his travels. The few batteries we've seen in the games seem to be ripped from cars, or something similar, so I don't see one of them flying across the room with the alarm clock
Is it still a punch if they only have legs/forelegs? I'm not entirely sure, to tell you the truth.
That got me thinking, actually. Is marriage actually a thing in the wasteland? I guess it could be. I mean, there's a couple of priests out in the larger settlements (or the religion-centred ones like New Canaan), and the stables almost certainly have some sort of marriage tradition (religious or otherwise), but the average scavenger/raider? What about Ghouls? How does "'till death do we part" work then? I honestly have no clue. This isn't a problem, it just made me ponder.
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Overall hoojamaflips
Okay, as I said before I lost the original version of this comment because hotel internet. I've had to rebuild this review as best I can from memory and re-reading, but I've almost definitely missed some stuff out from the first time round. I just thought you've been waiting over a week for this review, and what I've got gets the gist of my points across, so I should just post it anyway.
With this story, it's hard to point to anything colossally wrong. There's nothing glaringly horrible, besides possibly the aforementioned monotonous sentence structure. There's just a lot of slightly wrong things. Very few of the sentences are technically wrong, and your spelling is certainly above average, it just seems you're not used to writing, hence the beige prose and occasional confusion with words (e.g. Geiger counter)
Credit where it's due, your world-building is certainly above average. I can see a lot of really neat ideas tucked away in there, it's just you're having trouble getting them across.
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There are a few things I would recommend you do:
1) Read. Read lots of things, pony or otherwise. The act of getting a bunch of books under your belt will help you get the feel of how stories flow, and how to convey the emotions you're after.
2) Grab an editor. Not a pre-reader, or a proof-reader, or a friend who checks your grammar, but a proper, honest-to-God editor. You might have a hard time, seeing as FO:E fics have a poor reputation, but if you manage it they'll be able to help you immensely. Try to get them to help guide your hand as to crafting sentences and similar.
3) Talk to other authors/groups/etc. Ask them how they would deal with it. Get their input on what you should do, and discuss with them where to go. Chances are a bunch of them were in a similar position to you at some point. You never know what you might find out.
Groups that could help you are the various Fallout-related ones (here and here), Looking for Editors, Authors Helping Authors, Struggling Authors or countless others around the site.
I'm also an admin for a Skype group that's entirely dedicated to discussing fanfic ideas and helping each other with problems. Just send me your skype username if that sounds like something you'd find useful
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As for what to do with this story... I'm not sure. The repetitive nature of the prose makes it hard for you to draw in new readers, but you appear to have a handful of dedicated fans. Normally, I'd go for a re-write with this sort of thing, but if your fans are okay with it the way they are, leaving it as-is might work. I'd definitely recommend spicing up your writing style in future chapters, however.
Another option is to write something else entirely, of course. Whether it be another FO:E story, or some random Scootasadfic or whatever, writing more and getting used to how it works is key.
Oh, and you asked a series of questions for your story, didn't you? Let's go over them quickly:
How well was the third person used, and was it an effective way to write the story?
The thing about what tense/person the story's written is that it shouldn't be noticeable. If someone's noticed it, it's probably because of a jarring tense change, or random switch of PoV. I didn't notice either, so I'd say it was just fine.
Was the post-apocalyptic setting well portrayed?
Well, it was essentially the introduction of FO:NV
That being said, you did introduce a number of new concepts and ideas, which I tended to like. In particular, the way you dealt with the Solar Legion was certainly better than I expected of anything to do with the NLR.
Can Hermes(courier) be seen as a foil character for Steele?
Hmm...
I'd go with a yes on this one, but not without some problems. They seem almost too opposite. Their personality, their competence, their actions, even their colour-schemes are pretty much diametrically opposed. It's all so perfectly contradictory that I wouldn't be surprised if they turned out to be long-lost brothers in some huge twist of fate, or something.
Are the action scenes well portrayed?
Now this one, I can't quite say yes to. It's nothing specifically wrong about the scenes, just that damn beige prose affecting the whole story once more.
That being said, they do tend to suffer from it less than the rest of the story. Perhaps it's something to do with so much of the action being based around other characters, or something. Meh
Either way, there's some good ideas in this story, and I hope this review will help you choose where to go from here. I wish you the best of luck.
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~Professor Plum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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3018985>>3018985
Wowee that's a huge load off my chest. Big thanks for pointing out the errors I had doubts about and more. Great review. I'll definitialy get to all those little things as soon as i can. I also greatly appreciate the fact that you went the extra mile and offered a helpful skype. I'll also be sure to look into that when i get the chance. All in all, big thanks for everything. It's much appreciated /)
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3023726
Glad to be of service
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The moment I read 'Dessert' when it was meant to be 'Desert'...I just,,,couldn't.
3040582 Thanks! Great to get the extra support /)
3037461
Can't believe that has been sitting there for so long. Thanks for pointing it out /)
Aaaaaaaand.....
Another ponified version of New Vegas with a few edits.
A quick note to all those who have taken the time to read my story.
To my supporters:
Thank you for all the support and encouragement you have given me. I really appreciate it, and hope to continue earning it in the future. I have edited the story slightly by adding a few details, fixing a few errors, and removing any mistakes that were pointed out by Professor Plum (The awesome guy who reviewed my story.) Nothing major that required a re-read, and I hope that if you do take the time to glance through it again, that i have made changes that you might further enjoy, especially if you were looking for solutions to some of the things Plum had pointed out in his review. I have not received help from an editor yet as I try to work on self improvement rather than growing used to someone else doing things for me, so it might not be perfect, and I encourage any comments or tips. All in all, thanks again. You guys are awesome /)
To new people who have just read it.
Thanks for taking a look. I have made recent changes, and I'm eager to see how anyone new views my story now. Please feel free to criticize at will, and further point out anything you find worth addressing. Thanks /)
I apologize for a long wait till the next chapter, but i will be returning to my old story writing conditions soon, and hope to continue earning your support. Sorry for the wait, and thank you for bearing with me /)
3069783
Is that a positive, or a negative comment?
Either way, If you have anything to say be it negative or positive, I'd love to hear it. Thanks.
Well it would've fooled me I thought Rose was real. Good chapter again
3235184
I had taken way too long to update, so I tried to compensate with length and an interesting twist. Glad to know that it payed off in the end. Thanks again for the support /)
Thanks!
poor little rose
......but it reminded me of vault 107 that place made that stable look like a kindergarden fucked up visions pops showing up the vault bullies.. fucked shit anyways good one keep on man u doing good respect
damn the suspense
i'm paying attention my friend please i implore you continue this it is a master piece yearning for completion
3420734
I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction.
It's a great moral booster, thanks for taking interest.
/)
3420087
Glad the ending was to your (dis)liking! It's great to see other people actually anticipate my work, and I appreciate the support
3421762 FUCK YEAH I LIKE THIS FIC IN THIS WAY
This looks like an interesting FO:E fanfic. I feel kinda tired by the new vegas based fics. I'm not saying that they're bad its just... overused but then you're probably a better writer than me so i shouldn't judge. *Hides*
3549759
Hmm, honestly I've been hearing that an awful lot. Personally I've never encountered any other, especially a large magnitude, of New Vegas fics so I can't say that I know what everyone keeps commenting about. In fact, Ironically I believed that I'd be one of the few to decide bringing up New Vegas.(Boy did that backfire.
)
Personally I just aim to write an original and hopefully interesting fic. I'm now well aware of the presence of other perhaps similar fics, but I'd rather that not deter me from staying original, and if something I write is similar to the work of another, then I apologize for being repetitive, but assure you that it was coincidental.
Either way I appreciate the compliments and the fact that you took the time to respond to and read my story. This comment wasn't meant to be a rant aimed at you, but rather to inform others who might criticize me in the same way; I just wanted to share my motive for writing this FO:E fic. Thanks again /)
3554819 Thanks for not over reacting like some may. Personally I prefer it when adventures are more than confined to just a city area. Mine (I don't mean self promotion just example because I try to keep three or more chapters ahead of the released chapter number) But it goes from one place to another I kinda prefer those where you help flesh out the entire wasteland. Ill try to finish reading this fic too... *Hides from anyones wrath*
3555132
Aye. I'd like to expand on the wasteland as much as possible without making it overly complicated and boring. Thanks for giving my story a read, and any other critiques are always welcome!
Hello everyone, first and foremost I wish to apologize for my absence. I know how it feels to wait for another chapter, and I apologize for the severe delay after being so consistent in my updates before.
I was working on a new story/idea that I simply had to get out or jeopardize the quality of the chapters for FO:E Las Pegasus. If you're curious as what I've been squandering my time for
:Here it is. But if you want to me to just shut up and get on with the New chapter, then I have good news for you. The new story is currently in the Pilot phase, meaning I'm testing the waters for a reaction before diverting more time into it; this means that full attention has once more been diverted back to FO:E Las Pegasus.
Thanks for supporting me this whole time and staying interested in my work /)
Alrighty, writing to you all from what may appear to be the afterlife.
Jokes aside, I wish to inform that I have not been simply absent, nor have I decided to go back on my word of diverting full attention to this series.
In the time since I last updated you all on my whereabouts and the story's status, I realized that a lot of the earlier chapters and parts of the later ones were not on par with my current capabilities, and I simply could not let that be when my goal is to provide the very best I can for all you awesome folk that choose to read my work. My time has recently been rather limited, but I have in fact gone over all of the chapters start to finish and refined a great deal of it all. Now before you ask, there was nothing added that would require a re-read to keep up with the series; most of it was refining and improving the general quality of the story.
Off the top of my head the largest changes/goals I remember were:
-Stricter character differentiation. I realized that I may have blended personalities a bit too much before, and hopefully have defined the characters more clearly, and made dialogue a bit more suiting.
-Modification of Dialogue. Some parts felt a bit stale, and emotions were rather lacking. I fine-tuned as much dialogue as I could to help add more realistic conversations.
-Scene description and transition. Setting, and the progression of the story was weaker in some parts than in others. Adding actions and imagery to stale scenes has hopefully livened up the world a bit, and made reading less of a chore.
-Minor detail changes. Now although this sounds like it might be a big deal, really this means I changed a few parts that were far too linear with old ideas, for favor of newer ones and greater originality.
-(mini spoiler.)Final chapter modification. Now this part might be worth the re-read, more specifically the final scene regarding the church. The first time around this part was a rushed clever idea that had not had enough time put into it. I've refined it, and hopefully made it far more appealing than it was before.
That about sums up what I have been doing, and acts as my alibi for withholding the next chapter's release. First and foremost I wish to thank you all once more for sticking with me this far. I also wish to apologize for my sluggishness, and hope that it only leads to better results for you guys to enjoy. Finally, I urge everyone and anyone to add any opinions, and point out any errors I may have missed. Thanks again!
Very well written, Steele reminds of Atton Rand from kotor 2, kinda of a lovable scoundrel dude
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