It's five o'clock somewhere! And everywhere. All at once. Forever.
Gilda: suffering loss, she follows clues left to her by the one who raised her, and begins to discover what happened to her people.
Tirgum: Living a peaceful life, a whispered secret and rising tempers could bring down the world as he knows it... and he may be powerless to stop it.
Luna: An outcast, trying to belong in a place where few will have her. But who she is and what she can do may change her life forever... whether she wants it to or not.
Page generated in 0.088 seconds
Total duration
756 users online
937,337 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So the story is being told across three different time periods, then? Interesting.
One thing that could use a little work is personal voice. Just because it's from third person doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to get inside our protagonist's heads, you know? Gilda needs to sound different to Smith, Smith needs to sound different to Tirgum, Tirgum needs to sound different to Gilda, and all three need to be distinctive.
Also, your descriptions are pretty lacking. You need to give us a better idea what the scenery looks like.
Anyway, this looks interesting. The alligator wrestling struck me as a tad ridiculous, and overly casual badass type stuff, but we'll see where this goes. With a bit more effort in the prose and descriptive departments this could be something pretty special.
It is my understanding that alligators, and crocodiles, have ridiculous bite strength. One Google result compared the force of the bite to the force required to lift a pickup truck entirely off the ground. While I think it's possible for human beings to hold a gator's mouth shut, there is no chance of keeping it from shutting, even if gryphons are significantly stronger than humans. You'd probably need a tool like a carjack.
I am intrigued.
2888753 Can I hug you? Like really. This is the first time on one of my stories that someone has actually given me constructive criticism.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/189/588/Hug.gif
Thank you. Like a millllllion times.
2888960
You're welcome. Though if you want feedback the best way to get it is to give it. Some of the best and most genuine feedback you will receive will be from people you communicate with regularly. Write good reviews for other writers, open up channels of communication, get to know them a bit, then subtly poach them for feedback.
Or you could just write a shameless clopfic.
I'm really liking the premise to this story. I wouldn't have found it if you hadn't linked to it from Gryphonies though, so you should put it into any relevant groups and make it a little more visible to potential readers.
Interesting, although the different time periods are confusing, makes it seem like there's more than one story. Not sure that's the best choice, as it kinda fragments the whole.
Well, crap.
*HNNNNNNGG*
Tia's gonna do some murdering soon.
But Woona is so darn cute........
This is really good, so far. Enjoying this.
Noticed one typo:
I for one don't really have a problem with this chapter. It's mostly set up for what I assume will be the mysteries that Gilda goes on to face.
........
THERE IS NOTHING TO NITPICK ABOUT
NOTHING!
i1.ytimg.com/vi/kAuZ1uFfIME/mqdefault.jpg
Keeping an alligator from closing its mouth is basically impossible. Keeping it from opening its mouth is actually pretty easy. Very weak muscles there.
It's great, as long as Tulmiel has a good enough reason for how he's acting.
I liked it fine the first time. Having phones now seems weird, but okay.
I'd like to see a continuation