Chapter 2
As the two ponies talked at her writing desk, Princess Twilight couldn’t help but think of her former mentor, Princess Celestia. How Celestia was flawlessly consistent and consistently flawless in all things. How did she do it? Twilight had no idea. She never got the chance to ask.
Was it all an act? Did she have everypony fooled? Who could truly be that serene? That calm? Not Twilight. Yesterday she yelled at a bowl of soup because it burned her tongue. She looked at Smarty Pants, her young pupil, and felt something stir in her heart.
What if it was an act? What if all Celestia needed was the right reason to be the best Princess ever? Twilight sat up a bit straighter and put on a calm face; the regal mask worn by her betters.
Smarty Pants was a wonderful student, and she deserved the perfect teacher. Princess Twilight would be that perfect teacher.
Smarty Pants thought that Princess Twilight was the perfect teacher. After all, she learned all kinds of neat things from her. Just tonight she learned what a horseapple was and that it’s very silly and super gross.
She also learned that the Princess liked to be asleep at two in the morning, which made Smarty Pants feel that much closer to the Princess, because she liked being asleep at two, too! Especially in a tutu with her stuffed cow, Moo-Moo.
She also also learned that the Princess didn’t have any gum in her writing desk tonight but that was okay, and she wouldn’t be sad because they had cake. It was chocolate.
Princess Twilight was a wonderful teacher, and she deserved the perfect student. Smarty Pants would be the best most perfectest student. But first she would eat cake.
Princess Twilight Sparkle hadn't seen anypony eat cake with this much enthusiasm since a certain pink pony over 400 years ago. It was fitting, really. But it was also very silly, and that made it difficult for Twilight to focus on being serene.
After Smarty Pants demolished a third piece of cake, Twilight cleared her throat and smiled modestly to her apprentice.
“I think that’s quite enough cake for now, don’t you Smarty Pants?”
Smarty Pants froze on the spot, cakey face and all. Had she done something wrong?
“Oh... Yes Princess.” In a whisper, she added “Sorry.”
Twilight winced on the inside, but her outward expression stayed the same. She didn’t want to upset the filly, but they couldn’t have a proper Princess/Protégé conversation if the latter was cramming her face full of cake, right?
Smarty Pants picked up her tiny glass of milk and drank it slowly, but she finished the glass before putting it down. When it was back down on the desk, it faded out of existence and a fresh one, full of milk, appeared in its place. Smarty Pants grinned as she wrapped it up in her hooves before slugging it back, and slapped the empty glass back down on the desk.
Twilight almost smirked, but she didn’t. She kept her regal cool. She decided she would head this little game off at the pass by bringing out the big guns.
The little pony stared at the empty glass, expecting it to vanish and for a third to appear. Instead a ceramic jug popped into existence on the desk in it's place. It was almost as big as she was. Smarty Pants giggled in delight and spun around in a tight circle. Then, much to the Princess’ surprise, the earth pony picked it up off the desk and set it on the floor in front of her.
Further confusing Her Royal Highness, Smarty Pants then walked over and wrestled Twilight’s cup of tea out of her magical grip and placed it on the floor. The silly filly stood there looking at the little tea cup.
She pointed a hoof at it and frowned. “Can you make this bigger? This needs to be bigger. It needs to be as big as mine.”
The Princess said nothing, but she nodded as serenely as possible as she watched Smarty Pants march back to her pillow behind the milk jug. When she sat down, there were now two large ceramic jugs on the floor. One filled with hot tea. One filled with cold milk.
Staring at her milk jug, Smarty Pants rolled her shoulders and began rocking back and forth.
“On your mark,” she whispered.
“Get set,” she said.
“Go!” she shouted.
Smarty Pants dunked her head into the jar’s wide opening and the little filly started drinking as fast as she could. Milk splashed everywhere and Princess Twilight balked.
Her seven-year-old wunderkind had just challenged her to a drinking contest at three in the morning on her birthday. That just happened. She should have seen it coming. After all, competitiveness came just as naturally to her as her enthusiasm for baked goods. Genetics was a funny thing.
NO. No funny. What happened to serene? Calm? Being the Perfect Pri— Oh, if only Smarty Pants knew about Twilight’s trip to Los Pegasus on her 121st birthday. Wait, scratch that. She wished she didn’t know about her trip to Los Pegasus on her 121st birthday. To this day, just hearing the word tequila still made her feel ill.
Smarty Pants swallowed another gulp as she passed the three-quarters point, and her head sank lower into the jug. The Princess sat up a bit straighter. If she was going to do this, she was going to do this right. The color in her student’s cheeks began to pale as she drank her way to the container’s middle.
When Smarty Pants reached the halfway point, the jug of tea disappeared in a startling flash and a dusty barrel three times its size appeared in its place. Bathed in purple light, the lid floated off the barrel and came to rest on the floor. On it, Smarty Pants saw that its faded logo was a trio of red apples.
Dumbfounded, the little filly pulled her head out of her jug, momentarily forgetting the race. She hopped up to peek over the barrel’s top and saw that it was filled with a translucent golden liquid. The same color as her eyes.
“What is that, Princess? It smells like apples and cinnamon and spices and dust and wood and I don’t know why but when I smell it, it smells like family which is strange because I don’t even know what this is, and I never had it before and don’t remember my parents having it before and I just can’t place it but it smells super nice.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle said nothing. She wore a mask of practiced indifference and watched Smarty Pants carefully. Her student stood there with her mouth wide open, staring back at the Princess as milk dripped from her chin.
Then, Smarty Pants sat down and blinked.
At that exact moment, she heard a splash and when she opened her eyes again she saw the Princess, her Princess, had dunked most of her head into the barrel. Only her horn and ears stuck out. Startled by a guzzling sound she couldn’t place, understanding dawned on the little pony when she saw the liquid in the barrel start to recede around the Princess’s head.
Smarty Pants let out a gasp and furrowed her brow. “Hay! No fair, I wasn’t ready!” she grumbled adorably as the jug in her hooves shot up to her snout and she started drinking with reckless abandon.
The race was on.
Time seemed to slow for Smarty Pants as she drank. Glaring into the jug as she raised it up, she tilted her head back at the same time to get a boost from gravity. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the prize. She had to win. As she passed the one-quarter mark she heard the scraping of hooves on wood and chanced a peek at her competition. What she saw then, she’d never forget for the rest of her days.
The Goddess of Magic, in her baggy sun-and-moon print pajamas, was standing on her hindlegs with her wings outstretched. Her left foreleg was extended behind her with her hoof propped up on the writing desk for stability. With her other hoof, she effortlessly held the massive barrel to her lips. With every gulp, the barrel and her head rose slightly higher.
Smarty Pants rose to the challenge and stood up on her hindlegs, wobbling a bit. Their eyes met and Twilight waggled her eyebrows at Smarty Pants, who gazed back with steely determination. As much steely determination as a filly can muster while drinking milk from a jug. In point of fact, this was quite a lot of steely determination.
The last of the milk passed her lips and Smarty Pants went wide-eyed with realization. With a twist of her hips, she turned and slammed the empty jug down on the writing desk with all of her tiny earthpony strength.
“I WIN!” the little pony shouted.
She twisted again to face her teacher, but she heard the jug wobble and fall over. She looked back to stand it up again, but what she saw made her sink to the floor in shame.
When she got there, she whimpered, “Oh no.”
The top of the ancient writing desk had a new addition. It was a circular divot; half a foot in diameter and roughly a quarter-inch deep.
Some perfect student she turned out to be. Smarty Pants knew this was Princess Twilight’s favorite desk in the whole wide world. She also knew that sometimes there was gum in the top left drawer, and that the Princess would always share a piece with her if she had any. She also also knew that the underside of the top left drawer had a neat carving that said:
LULU RULES, #1
She especially liked that when she showed it to Princess Twilight two weeks ago, who laughed until she got the hiccups. She also also also knew that she just broke it.
What Smarty Pants didn’t know was that the desk was a priceless national treasure. It was the crucible upon which first drafts of the Magna Cantor, The Gryphon-Pony Peace Accord, and the Equestrian Constitution were all forged. Most importantly, it was a gift to Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn, when she moved to Ponyville to be a Librarian. A gift from a certain Perfect Princess.
Smarty Pants looked at Princess Twilight with fear in her eyes, and Twilight Sparkle looked back at her student. She said nothing. She couldn’t. She was too busy trying not to laugh.
Twilight had stopped racing back when she saw the look of steely determination in her pupil’s eyes. She recognized that look from long ago. In her own little ways, it was amazing how similar Smarty Pants was to all three of the girls. When Twilight lost herself in recollection, she also lost the race.
She struggled to keep her mask of serenity. Carefully, with both forelegs, she lowered her barrel of cider to the ground. It faded out of existence with the discarded lid. She sat down on her pillow and fluttered her wings to their resting position. Calmness returned.
She turned her attention back to Smarty Pants. But when she saw her pupil again, her mask shattered in alarm.
Smarty Pant was standing on all fours, her legs outstretched at wide angles. She took painfully short breaths and swung her head left and right. The panic in her eyes was as plain as day.
Twilight’s ears pinned themselves back. “Smarty, what’s wrong?”
No answer. Twilight knelt down on her forelegs in front of her troubled student and leaned closer. She tried again. “Smarty Pants, it’ll be okay. I can fix the desk just like I fixed the cake.”
Smarty Pants said nothing. Instead her eyes went wide and she stared at the Princess. Her knees began to shake and her tail twitched.
Twilight leaned closer, their faces almost touched. She tried desperately to identify what was wrong. She contemplated teleporting in the royal doctor, but it was three in the morning and he was getting up there in age. She didn’t want to kill the cranky old mule. Plus there was the emotional trauma that might cause to Smar—
A low gurgle rumbled through the little filly’s stomach, and Twilight’s eyes widened. She knew what it was. She knew what it was, and it was too late to do anything about it.
A tremendous belch, like the sound of a thrice-damned soul, issued from Smarty Pants. Twilight’s eyes watered just from the sound of it, not to mention the smell. Please, let’s not mention the smell. Bits of cake and spittle peppered her face and her hair billowed in the unnatural wind.
The earth pony’s front legs lifted off the ground and she stood up, propelled by equal parts shock and demonic gale. The burp would not stop. In a moment of blind panic, Twilight feared that the foul venting would never end. What would they do with an eternally belching pony? It had to have been seven years since the last catastrophe. Surely they were due for a dooz—
And just like that, it was over.
The Burp That Time Forgot was suddenly remembered. And time weren’t doing with no eternal burp, no ma’am.
“Bleh.” sighed Twilight, as she collapsed to the floor, glad the ordeal was over.
“Eep!” said Smarty Pants, as time’s two best friends -gravity and spite- remembered that she was precariously perched on her backlegs. She fell forward, and landed across the Princess.
Princess Twilight Sparkle was sprawled on the floor of her royal bedchamber for the second time that night. Morning. Whatever. Last time she groaned in pain. This time she howled with laughter. She couldn’t keep it in. She tried, Celestia knows, she tried. But the dam broke and it felt good.
She laughed hard and loud. It was in no way whatsoever Princess-like at all. It was not high like a bell or the tinkling of chimes. It was raucous. Her face hurt, her diaphragm hurt, and her eyes burned with tears. Also she was covered in bits of soggy cake and half-digested milk.
As she laughed she heard Smarty Pants, still sprawled across her neck, laughing too.
At first Smarty Pants had no idea what to think. Why was the Princess laughing now when she wasn’t laughing earlier? Why did she have that fake smile on before? Did she have to use the potty?
But as she listened to the laughter, she found all her cares melt away. She didn’t need to worry about the writing desk. She didn’t need to worry about her parents. She didn’t need to worry the Princess having to potty. She just had to laugh.
She giggled as she tried to stand up. The giggles grew into guffaws. And the guffaws grew into belly laughs that shook the tiny filly to her very center.
She felt better after burping and laughing. She wanted to be the perfect student now. She just hadn’t figured out what a perfect student was supposed to do.
Did it involve eating cake and drinking contests and burping? Because if it did then maybe she already was the best most perfectest student!
Her heart soared at the revelation. She felt like she was flying. Or was that falling? Nope, it was definitely falling.
From the corner of her eye, Twilight watched her protégé stumble and plant her muzzle into the floor hard enough that her momentum carried her forward until she flipped over and landed on her back. Smarty Pants was giggling and staring at the ceiling when the Princess addressed her.
“I’m sorry, Smarty Pants.”
Smarty Pants’ eyes went wide and her laughter stopped. She had never had a Princess apologize to her before. She was terrified. “W-why are you sorry?”
“Because I wanted to be perfect for you, and I’m not. I wanted you to have the Princess I had. She always knew what to do and what to say. She never got angry. She never yelled. She… Never would have entered into a drinking contest against a seven year old,” admitted Twilight with a sigh.
“But I don’t want that Princess.”
Smarty Pants rolled her head up to look back at the older pony.
“I want my Princess.”
Twilight felt tears pool in her eyes. Was it really that simple all along? She realized she’d never be Princess Celestia, and that was okay. She was Princess Twilight Sparkle. And to this wonderful pony that made all the difference in the world. Why did it take her 500 years to figure this lesson out?
“Oh my goodness, your face!” Smarty Pants let out a peal of laughter, squeezed her eyes closed, and kicked her back legs against the floor over and over again.
Confused, Twilight felt at her wet face and looked around the room for a towel. She caught her reflection in the mirror over the fireplace and she wished she hadn’t. She was a great sopping mess.
Her mane clung to her face and neck and a red birthday candle was stuck to her right cheek. Okay, the cake didn’t come with candles, so... Yeah, no. Not thinking about it. In addition, her favorite pair of sun-and-moon pajamas was now her only pair of sun-and-moon-and-cake pajamas. Stars alive, did this child even know how to chew her food? Bury it, Sparkle. Bury it deep.
Smarty Pants watched the Princess close her eyes and raise a forehoof to her chest. After a moment she extended it in front of her and let out a breath. She looked much happier now, which made Smarty Pants smile.
Twilight looked at Smarty Pants and flinched. Fluttershy would have had a minor panic attack if she saw Smarty Pants this messy at three in the morning.
“Smarty Pants, you have cake on your… Everything. This won’t do at all, will it?”
“Oh no, Your Majesty,” giggled the silly filly.
Twilight Sparkle grabbed Smarty Pants up off the floor with her wings and wrapped her into a big hug. It was a nice hug. It meant a lot. It said a lot. It said things like “You are my favorite,” and “Thank you for making me laugh,” and “If you ever burp on me again I will end you.”
It was nice.
The Princess put her down and walked towards her private washroom, “Very well. Come along, little one.”
“Coming, Your Majesty!” and Smarty Pants trotted after her favorite pony in the whole wide world.
Stats
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
1,036 users online
1,429,433 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This chapter was glorious!
2863296
Hey, thanks!
it was cute
If she had said my little pony there I would have felt that the cycle was complete.
Anyways fun story so far. Please continue it.
That was fucking adorable, you sure as hell made this 17 year old smile.
2863495
It said that in the last draft, but I didn't really want to close it there. There's one more chapter and a short epilogue to follow, for now I wanted to close with something that made folks wonder where the next chapter was without using a cliffhanger.
Thanks for the comment :)
It's beautiful
. a little disgusting, but a beautiful moment nonetheless.
now give me more.
That was awesome...
So this child is related to Pinkie, AJ and... Fluttershy?
2865072
Who knows?
Oh, wait I do!
Thrilling-ish conclusion early next week, stay tuned :)
This is glorious. I am SO glad this isn't yet another melancholy take on Twilight being immortal (something that, while denied by one of the writers, I doubt will ever actually come up in the show and it's a cool thing to adopt into headcanon). Because really, we're all sick of those.
gonna hazard a geuss
smarty pants is the genetic prodigy of the mane 6's bloodlines mixing over time?
Just found this Story.
Finally a Happy Story with a older Princess Twilight Sparkle. Most Story's so far are only Sad or Tragedy's!
OMC! I almost died laughing reading this chapter. I seriously needed several Phoenix Downs to revive myself.
2867496 Makes sense to me...
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111113100135/creepypasta/images/9/9b/Watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme.png
So. Much. D'awwwwwwwww!
Laughing my ass off nonstop.
Filled with d'awws, too.
~Skeeter The Lurker
LULU RULES!
That really made me laugh. This is a very heartwarming fic. Yay for not-mopey Twilight!
Still, I have to wonder what happened to Luna and Celestia. Maybe if I keep reading...
The Burp That Time Forgot... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. *goes to Wal-Mart and buys 50 two-liters of Root Beer*
3973365
Yeah, that kind of sums up my thoughts on this chapter!
celestia and lulu dead why
What happened to Celestia and Luna?
I'm sorry. I just have to, being an eighth grader surrounded by other eighth graders with dirty minds. Deep breath, OK. Here goes. That's what she said.
I'll remove this part if you want me to.
I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone do this yet.
The Burp That Time Forgot. Well then, I know what I'm not doing.
4118274 ...old age?
Smarty Pants trotted after favorite pony in the whole wide world.
This is a beautiful ending to the chapter, but unfortunately there is a grammatical error that detracts from the experience.
("trotted after HER favorite pony")
She also learned that the Princess liked be asleep at two in the morning,
-"to be" or "being"
After all, competitiveness came just as naturally to her as her enthusiasm for baked goods. Genetics was a funny thing.
-Descendant of the children of either Pinkie Pie and the children of either Applejack or Rainbow Dash? Or maybe all three? Or maybe just AJ?
She recognized that look from long ago. In her own little ways, it was amazing how similar Smarty Pants was to all three of the girls.
-Took me a second or three to realize why "THREE of the girls". Nice one.
What would they do with an eternally belching pony? It had to have been seven years since the last catastrophe.
-Interesting phrasing. "Catastrophy" as in "Two part episode"? If so, I think Equestria is having an era of even more peace than usual. Or "catastrophy" as in "Pony that needs to be quarantined in the extreme"?
She felt better after burping and laughing. She wanted to be the perfect student now. She just hadn’t figured out what a perfect student was supposed to do.
-"Perfect" =/= "Formal"... I was WONDERING if they were going to get this lesson.
red birthday candle was stuck to her right cheek. Okay, the cake didn’t come with candles, so—yeah, no. Not thinking about it
-From the impact on the table, or is Smarty Pants showing her Pie blood?
This may be the most adorable thing I have ever read.
Dawww
It was nice. It was heartwarming, I already forgot why I didn't read it earlier... Pease don't hate me
4122649 Nooo pony knows....
Well, unless you read the sequel.
Wow, just wow. I didn't know how the second chapter could possibly top the first, and then I read the second chapter.
I may have to commission a picture of Twilight in sun-and-moon pajamas downing an entire keg of cider.
She has to be a descendant of Pinkie Pie, surely.
Called it!
Er, whoops.
This fic... it's almost too much. It's so beyond ad'awwwable that I didn't know was possible.
Perfection. Pure, hilarious perfection.
5138735 this fic gave me diabetacancer
Aww! This is so adorable!
So, she burped so hard she vommited everywhere? That's what I got from this.
How in the world does this not have a comedy tag? I've read fics that were just supposed to be comedy that were less funny than this.
So what, did half the main cast perform a fusion dance or something?
I died right there because of lack of oxygen! Ha!