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Iron Pony

When Rainbow Dash is in a terrible accident and looses her ability to fly Twilight decides to make a Element of harmony powered suit, that anypony could use, and when Rainbow Dash's in it she is the iron pony, helper to all of Equestria. Some ponies(or assassins) might do anything to get their hands on the suit one of them being a jealous unicorn named Dark Hoof who wants to destroy all happiness...

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Octavia Harmony

Octavia Harmony #1 · Jul 15th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

Constructive? Ok. First off, your sentence structure is painfully simple. You write what seemed to be every sentence in an active voice with present tense. Try to use passive sentence structure a bit more, it'll loosen up your story. Next, not too major but a problem nonetheless, your spelling is not the best. I would suggest finding an editor willing to help. I'm not open right now, but if I was I would help. Another key point is you're use of adjectives; they aren't very descriptive, and they aren't very varied. Maybe add some punch to your story with complex sentences would be my main suggestion. Instead of "Dark Hoof loved running" try try "Wind rushing through her mane, Dark Hoof felt pleasure with each hoof hitting the ground and propelling her forward."

Gah I realized how cheesy this sounds. Forgive me, I'm tired.

Apocalypticpony