Soarin' and Rainbow Dash have been dating for a while but now Soarin' has seemed distant. He is constantly going to special Wonderbolts training and missing important dates with Rainbow Dash. Just what could Soarin's little secret be.
Good start! You might want to fill in the space between dialogue with Rainbow's thoughts or a description of the surroundings. Something like that to give the story a little more meat. Just a friendly suggestion.
rly like it, but i do second MclarenMP-27's suggestion.
keep it up ^^
Thanks for the suggestion but this is just the way I learned. I will probably still do this out of habit but it's nice to hear suggestions. Also, it might not be as ridiculous if my story weren't so dialouge heavy.
Okay... I'll wait till chapter 2 till I decide what to vote. Tracked for now
lol short and interesting like it keep it up
Interested to see where you're going with this.
served him right!
keep up the good work!
This. Definitely needs more thoughts and description--the first part of your pilot chapter was so awkward I had to force myself to get through it. Show us what they're thinking between those lines of dialogue!
I'll try my best but I don't know how good it will be.
I have a little hunch that he asked the same to spitfire..... lets hope not for him...
I'll keep you my dirty little secret...
I feel something bad comin up.......
>>263920263920 You and me both, buddy.
He broke a pinkie promise!
>>273480273480 dun dun ddddduuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn...>=O
poor soarin'. First hit by a bus and in a few moments hit by a scary pink mare...
Well Rainbow Dash did say she would reason with Pinkie Pie but then again...she can be unreasonable at times so maybe he will be.
omg that was great!!!
Well, commenting and critiqueing as promised.
I like the story. I think it's interesting and I think the brevity of it is an interesting choice that keeps it from getting stale or redundant. At the same time I think the way we never see any of the characters thoughts is a rare element. I like the way it leaves everything more open to interpretation, but at the same time I think it would help to have the writing be a little bit more emotive.
The lack of thoughts combined with the lack of emotive words leads to some of the scenes feeling a little bit flat - which is a shame, because as I said your writing isn't at all bad. I think you do dialogue better than anything else - the conversations flow well, but the lines in between could stand to be a little bit more expressive.
There's really only one scene I had an issue with - I can't personally see Dash seducing the room service pony to get the key. She seems more like the type to try and kick the door in, to me. But it doesn't take away from the story and i'm not telling you to change it - if you see her that way awesome. That said? I wish Soarin hadn't gotten a happy ending. I mean SURE he was hit by a bus and suffered horribly but really, he deserved so much worse.
I might be a little bias against cheaters. Maybe.
On the whole? I enjoyed it. I think it's well done and it made me want to know what happened, so what more can you ask for in a story?
Watch for typos, though! They're your worst enemy when it comes to this sort of thing. Well, they're mine. I make a lot of typos.
I know I'm lacking in the emotion part and I try my best to improve with each story.
Honestly I had a lot of trouble writing this stor (Edit: SEE look I just put "stor" instead of "story") because there were so many out of character moments for Rainbow Dash and I had to make up what she would do. And also I figured that breaking down the door would have led the story in a different direction because she would just be kicked out of the hotel right then and there.
As for Soarin', I was originally going to have him die after getting hit by the bus but that just seemed bad for Rainbow Dash more than it would be bad for Soarin'.
And as for typos, I do all of my stories in a word document first so it catches most of them. However one mistake I've made a few time that it doesn't catch is when I use "barley" instead of "barely" Right now I really need to use it because my "Y" key is having trouble working and I need the red line underneath it or else I wouldn't catch it because I pressed the key.
Well I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Hey you changed your avatar The other one was better.
Oh and don't forget to try a muffin.
Hey, don't feel bad - it's still a good story, and that really is the only way to improve at anything.
And yes, I see - I do it all the time. And it's true it would have been quite a different story that way - sounds like fun, though.
I suppose I can forgive you for not catering to my brutal anti-Soarin whims. BUT! I'm going to pretend your ending to TGWP is actually the ending to this just so he suffers a bit more. I know - i'm a nice piggy.
And yes, I did. Something about this one makes me laugh every time I see it, so i'll use it for a bit. Though the other one did the same, so never know when i'll go back.
And I will try a muffin, but it shan't be for a few days at least I fear.
Edit: I'm still seeing my old avatar, anyways. Sigh. It's so hard being me. :'(
Why a few day? Why not now? Oh and you have to make sure you try one of each kind of muffin.
You know this isn't the best place to chat.
If you reply could you please do it at The Games We Play:Supplementary Materials
I like it there better.
Plus I'd rather have someone else's story artificially be more popular and not mine.
Good story! I like it
Wait, what happened to Spitfire?? Feels kinda incomplete without having heard anything from her Not that it was a bad story, I just think you could have wrapped it up by tying all the knots of the story together? Plus, I kinda doubt Rainbow Dash would have spent a week in her room without having heard anything about Soarin's bus incident...
Sorry if I sound like I'm trying to flame you or something, really I'm just pointing out a few things that slightly bugged me.
Dumped twice in the same minute.
Lol. He's gonna need tons of bits.
>>266512266512 me 3 its just when i hear the word perfect alot of times i just know something bad is going to happen...
I thought that this was a good story. Yeah, it could have used a bit more descriptive filler between the dialogue, but, it did not deter that much. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the great writing.
>>765059765059 me 4 imean nothing is perfect <__< >__> but me