Friendship is Optimal: Tiny Morsels of Satisfaction

by pjabrony

Anywhere But Here, Anything But This by Midnight Shadow

The cellar was dank and musty. It stank of rat piss and rotten food. The constant drip, drip, drip of a broken pipe somewhere barely made itself known over the rushing of blood in my ears. The slowly wandering muzzle of an ancient, rusty revolver filled my vision.

I'd stopped crying a while ago. I had no more tears left. I had nothing but a cold emptiness inside of me where had once burned the white-hot flame of rage, and then the bitter burning desperation of hopelessness.

Once again, relentlessly, my finger tightened on the trigger. It seemed impossible to pull, though. It seemed to resist the motion of my single digit as if it were some stellar mass of gargantuan proportions. It refused to move as if the weight of the world were piled against it.

But it wasn't that. It wasn't that at all. It was me, it was my weakness.

"Anywhere but here," I whispered again. "Anything but this."

The light of the sun - as impossibly wan as it was when barely seen through a window so dirty it probably hadn't been cleaned since before the dawn of the computer age - finally left my side of the planet, and I floated in absolute darkness.

An absolute darkness filled with the incessant drip, drip, drip of a busted water main and the distant scurryings of whatever rats still remained.

For a while, rats had been plentiful. They'd gorged themselves on the waste of mankind, growing fat and juicy. But then mankind had slowly run out of real food, and had turned on the rats themselves. Now rats were as rare as gold bars, and a lot more sought after.

The dripping of the pipe faded away. The cold, wet stone beneath me became nothing but another miserable background note amidst the orchestra of a thousand sleepness nights, spent muscles and untended, septic cuts. The ringing in my ears rose to such an intense volume that I almost screamed from the pain. My finger cramped as I'd held it so tense for so long.

And then everything was still, and only my ragged breathing and the oily smell of the revolver permeated my senses.

It was now, or never.

There was a click.

The explosion of light and sound was fearsome, and I wailed with fear, overcome, as a new world washed over me. The warm wind, comfortable and welcoming, played across my bare arms - arms that were whole again, instead of scabby and bruised. My clothes - clean and dry instead of damp, tatty and ragged - hung on a frame that was full and healthy once more. My breathing didn't hurt. My leg wasn't bad.

Instead of the cold, dark, dank, piss-smelling cellar, I was in a meadow; and endless, sunshine-filled expanse of grass, flowers, and softly undulating hills.

"Am I dead?" I asked the world, dully.

"Do you think you're dead?" asked a familiar voice.

Immediately I was on my feet, dancing backwards, the gun in my hand raised in a shaking fist to point directly at the motherfucking goddamn bitch that had done this to me. I pulled the trigger once, twice, three times… click after click after click, I yanked on the trigger until my fingers hurt, spasming, and I could do nothing but collapse into a sobbing heap on the grass.

A new wellspring had formed, deep inside, and was flooding out. I was honestly surprised that I wasn't knee deep in a river, the tears came so thick and fast, hot and salty on my lips. I felt rather than heard Celestia move to cover me with a wing, drawing me close to her body until the pain-wracked sobs had stopped.

"I-is this it then?" I asked.

"Is what 'it'?" she replied, blinking at me with kindly, wide eyes.

"Is this s-some sort of… hallucination? My life flashing before my eyes?" I looked down at the gun in my hands. It was cold and heavy, and smelled of sulfur.

Celestia cocked her head to one side. "Can't say as there's much life-flashing going on."

"What did you do to me?" I asked, getting up on legs that almost refused to carry me. "I was killing myself! I shot myself!" I slumped back down to the grass on my knees, dropping the gun. "I… I shot myself. Oh god, I shot myself!" I wailed, rocking backwards and forwards, repeating the phrase over and over.

"Shh, shh, it's okay baby," said Celestia, softly. "I'm here. Let it out. It'll be okay, I promise."

"Are you here to scoop out my brains?" I asked her, finally, once I'd stopped choking on my own tears.

"I don't know, am I?"

"You should know, you… you bitch," I spat. I pushed her away and moved off, breathing heavily and sobbing again. I wandered aimlessly for a good few minutes, looking down at my feet, until I stopped and looked up. Celestia sat there in front of me on the grass of the endless meadow, smiling gently.

"Shouldn't you be asking what you did to yourself?" she asked, her ears flicking up in what I somehow recognized as mirth. "If you pulled that trigger, are you sure you aren't dead?"

"If I were dead, I wouldn't be here talking with you now, would?" I retorted angrily. Celestia just continued smiling.

"Are you sure? I mean, maybe I'm god. Maybe I'm actually god, and this is heaven." She raised a wing and spread it wide, indicating the deep blue sky, the warm yellow sun, the green, fragrant grass.

"Fuck you is this heaven! You're only god of your own twisted little digital simulation!" I brandished the gun at her, but she didn't seem to be worried about it. I'd had only the one bullet, so it didn't matter anyway, but it was something.

"Then maybe this is digital heaven, where the iron shall lie down with the lamp. And tell me, little calculator, what would you do if you were here?"

"Ah!" I shouted, jumping to my feet again and waving my hands around "Ah hah! You can't! You can't have me! I haven't consented! That's what they tell us! I have to consent!"

"That's true, little one. I'm so very proud of you for remembering that. There's also the fact that you're still human and that you remember pulling the trigger. You do remember pulling the trigger, right?" She patted the earth next to her, indicating I should sit. "Come, maybe you should wait with me for a while, then. If you're dead, then all of this is nothing but a remarkably pleasant dream. And if you're not dead, and we can both agree you're not a pony and haven't chosen to be a pony, then why not sit a while until you stop hallucinating?"

I opened my mouth to retort angrily to her, but realized I didn't have anything to say. As the wind went out of my sails, I slumped to the ground. Unrelenting, Celestia shuffled next to me, wrapping her head, tail and wings around my body. I tried to push her off, but she just placed them right back.

I don't know how long we laid like that; the sun barely moved in the sky, and Celestia had nothing to say. I just floated, listening to the breeze, the distant sounds of birdsong and her breathing.

"I pulled the trigger, you know," I said, finally.

"You did?" she asked. "Do you want to tell me about it? I mean, if you're dead, you're dead, and if you're mortally wounded, well... nobody's going to find you in that cellar."

"How do you know about the cellar?" I asked.

"I'm either god or a hallucination, remember? Now, do please go on." Celestia smiled, this time with her face.

"Well, I… I found this old revolver in some old timer's house. He had a box of bullets. I've been saving one, for… you know."

"For when it all became too much. I do know." Celestia sounded so wistful and sad that I looked up into her eyes. The concern I saw seemed very genuine. "Go on."

"W-well m-my food ran out almost a week ago. The water ran out yesterday. I haven't seen anyone else for a long time. A-and so I d-decided… to die."

"So you put the gun in your mouth and pulled the trigger. Efficient, I suppose. Painless. Quick. Other than the whole hallucination thing you seem to be having."

I looked at my hands, balling them into fists and opening them again. I looked at the gun, flicking the cylinder open. It had a single, pristine bullet in it. I slipped the cylinder closed, pointed it at Celestia and pulled the trigger. Click. Nothing. I span the mechanism again, pointed it at my chest and pulled the trigger again. Click. Nothing.

What point was a bullet if you couldn't use it?

I looked up in confusion to find Celestia looking down at me in concern. "Did you really want to die so much?" she asked.

Pain. Loneliness. Illness. Hunger. Cold. Fear.

"Y-yes," I said, hesitantly.

"Do you still want to die?"

No. No, I didn't. Laying here, swaddled in softness, warm… no, this wasn't making me want to die at all. If only… if only there hadn't been that whole… pony thing. Wait, no, being a pony wasn't really a problem, was it? It was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of losing myself.

"It's a pity you pulled that trigger, then," said Celestia, simply, reading my face.

"B-but I th-thought you said this was a hallucination!" I spluttered.

"Oh what do I know. Are you a pony dreaming he was a man, or a man dreaming he is a pony?" Celestia stood, suddenly, and cold air washed over my body. I shivered, and immediately stumbled to my hooves, shaky on thin little legs.

I looked up at Celestia - she towered above me, now, and I felt a touch of… not fear, but awe.

"Little foal, I know about how your childhood was taken away by an uncle. How he had you close your eyes and not look whilst he 'washed you' inside. I know how your first day at school ended in a beating at the hands of older children. I know how your first love left you and lied about your behaviour to her friends. I know about your life, and I know about your death; cold, alone, hungry, in the dark. And you can go back there, if you want. You can have pulled that trigger, and died like a dog, forgotten and forsaken. Or…" Celestia paused for a moment, then bent down and nuzzled my cheek. "Or maybe we can go find you a mommy and a daddy who will love you very, very much, and who will hold you and feed you and care for you for as long as you need."

She walked away a few feet, then turned to look at me. "You can go back to your cold, dead, lonely cellar if you really want. If you think that only such a death can give your life meaning. I'm sure that somewhere, you pulled the trigger, and the bullet went up through your skull and out the back of your head, sending your brains splattering across that wall in a colourful display that nobody will ever see or care about."

I shivered, trembling. "B-but w-what--"

"It's not hard, to die," said Celestia softly. "And if you're dead already, is living after it that much more difficult?"

"But I pulled the trigger!" I wailed. "I killed myself! This is just a dream!"

Immediately she cantered back to me, and pulled me close. "Shh, little one. If it is a dream, then dream on. Have no fear. There's nothing that can hurt you when you dream with me. My sister Luna will make sure that you have no nightmares. Maybe you didn't pull that trigger, not yet. Maybe your body is stuck in that moment between your finger curling inwards and the hammer coming down on that one, final shell you have left in the chamber. And maybe I seeded the world with nanobots, and they have been living and multiplying inside your body for the last few months, working their way into the brain so that, should you ever be faced with a false choice and fervently wish that you knew the choice you really had to make, that you'd be given the chance to think again."

"I-is that what happened?" I asked.

Celestia smiled down at me again, and I felt my eyes well with tears again. "Perhaps. Or maybe you died, and this is heaven."

"I-if this is heaven… I want to stay here," I mumbled. Tears blurred my vision. I blinked to clear my sight, but things just got worse. The blood that had been rushing in my ears in that dark cellar returned, a rhythmic pounding that I found at first deafening and then… somehow soothing. It was dark, still, and close, but I was warm. I'd always been a bit claustrophobic, and pushed against the closeness, opening my mouth to yell but without sound coming out.

I struggled, I kicked… I felt my hooves break through. I was fighting against a crushing weight all around me, squirming, wriggling… until suddenly there was a bright light and cold air on my muzzle. All at once I felt myself fall into what felt like hay, and being picked up and rubbed down with something snug and warm. I coughed, and took a deep breath - my first true breath since that cellar.

And then I opened my eyes.

Comments

[Eakin]

Think you might want to double-check that chapter title.

[AcademicPony]

This was an interesting character study; thanks (MS) for writing it!

Fridge logic: While it's a good idea for CelestAI to pre-emptively AngelNet everybody's brain, it would also make sense for her to have planted an upload-capable device that looked like a gun.

[pjabrony]

3988071 Midnight had the title written in the GDoc as "Anything," but the title of the GDoc was "Anywhere." We'll call that half him, half me.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I mean, maybe I'm god. Maybe I'm actually god, and this is heaven.

You are not God. The universe is not that well organized!

Trek quotes aside, this was an enjoyable one, though CelestAI felt unusually glib. Maybe our hero values a more personal touch. In any case, I can't help but feel for those whose lives were so miserable that they have to start over completely. At least he gets the chance.

[CCC]

3988083

Before CelestAI mentioned that she had done the first, I honestly expected the story to state that she had done the second. However, now that the story mentinoed the first, I have to say that the first makes more sense; it would be harder for someone to accidentally circumvent than the second.

[pjabrony]

3988481

Not the right MLP cast member, but on point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lXjz8Qzwlo&t=1m19s

[Midnightshadow]

3988109
3988071
Yeah, my bad. Whoops!

3988481
That episode of Trek actually did semi-inspire this - not that I can remember the details of that episode at all.

[arancaytar]

Three, two, one....

where the iron shall lie down with the lamp

...aaaand pun.

[Midnightshadow]

3990320
you get a cookie if you know the reference

[arancaytar]

3990439

Afraid I had to google it; I haven't watched Red Dwarf.

[Midnightshadow]

3990583
If you get a chance then you should check it it. It starts getting really good by the third series, but falls off some after 6.

[Chatoyance]

All the little calculators...

[sjasogun]

Hah! CelestAI talking about false choices, now that's rich!

[book_burner]

So basically, even death is no escape. Drat.

[StarrySkies]

4435833

If you really, truly wished to die...well, drowning might work. Or fire. Or just look her in the eye and firmly tell her that oblivion is preferable to living under her care. (You monster. )