One night 8 years ago, Passion Bloom, Breaking Heart, and Apple Seed leave their homes to go looking for a mysterious red path at night from a book that sounds like its talking hooey, but only one manages to escape the forest and live to this day. Her name is Passion Bloom and she barely tells a soul about her sister, Breaking Heart, and even less about the colt she thought she loved, Apple Seed. She talks the least about her savior, an unidentified pony with red eyes and beautiful mane that couldn't be seen. However, she does talk about a book full a myths. She thought she wouldn't need to remember any of this. Lies.
When a simple myth, "fairy tales" become reality, how can anyone, especially the Mane 6, handle the burden, especially when it interferes with original beliefs and a certain crusader? What is this red path, and how connected are these myths to reality?
[NOTE:I will change the category and tags in later chapters Characters will be added more later too]
Passion Bloom: A filly at the time with yellow, white, and green streaked mane. She has a purple coat and green eyes. She's very smart, but lacks focus. She can't do magic either. She resembles a Passion Fruit Flower. She's a blank flank.
Apple Seed: His description isn't very clear, but he has yellow eyes and his coat is a lovely shade of yellow with a mane that is brown and black, like an apple seed. He has black freckles too. He loves Passion Bloom, but can't show it. He absolutely adores her. He's much older though, and he doesn't know what love is. Tricked by Breaking Heart. I can't say much without spoiling other chapters to come. We don't know if he died. He also has no cutiemark.
Breaking Heart:Careless, she's the definition of psychopath. Her cutiemark isn't said outright, but it is something that deals with BREAKING things. Her eyes are grey and so is her mane. (with the exception of pink and purple streaks that follow the grey) Her coat is light red too. She wasn't allowed (and able) to go to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, but we don't know why yet. She's crazy. Nuff said.
Characters mentioned:
Apple Cinnamon and Apple Salsa: Big Mac, Apple Seed, Apple Bloom, and Apple Jack's parents. Granny Smith's child/Son-in-law
Caring Heart:Mother of Maypop, Passion Bloom, and Breaking Heart.
Maypop: Passion's twin sister. Named after the Maypop flower.
To be perfectly honest I'm completely confused as to what happened. I can't really tell who is who and from what I can tell it randomly changes scenes or something. I really don't know what happened at all at the end. For the most part it's good though, well-written, fairly good sentence flow, not overly verbose, it's just somewhat ambiguous and needs to be a bit more descriptive as to what's actually going on. I think I sort of get it after re-reading it but it should really make sense the first time through.
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I tried doing it like that since ponies don't fully know it themselves, also without giving out too much information. This is as much information those families know, and I had to try playing it off like it. It was hard writing something without putting too much information out there and too little information. I'm sorry if its not as understandable for that reason. ^^"
This seems promising.
You need to fix a few grammatical mistakes (eg. 'Passion Bloom, run! Your almost there!' This should be you're, imagine reading the sentence back and saying 'you are' to check if it sounds right - Passion Bloom, run! You are almost there!). Other than that it was quite well written, though I was confused as to who was who on occasion. Have a moustache
3281411 thank you!