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paiwithapple 1144

Joined January 2012
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    paiwithapple's Stories (1)

    • No longer human
      Mikael was a perfectly normal human being, until he woke up, and banged his head in the shelf...

      3,410 words · 611 views · 16 likes · 6 dislikes
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    Mikael looked closely at the orb of light, and wondered "Why were i dragged here?". "Could this be one of the sources of the radiation? But, the newspaper said nothing about radiation here. Hmmmmmm..." Mikael said to himself. He looked around to see where he was, and was surprised to see he was not far from home. "If this thing is outputting radiation, and i have the same symptoms as those other people, it must this thing that made me grow this horn.". Mikael got an idea, and opened the newspaper, luckily he had hold on to it, and analyzed the map showing the places in the world were the radiation is showing up. "No places near here, and it seems to be randomly spread over the earth. this can't spread much radiation, or else it would have been discovered by now. someone will find it eventually though". Mikael was just about to touch the orb, when someone, or something, started talking to him "Who are you? what are you doing here?". Mikael looked around without seeing anyone, and then heard it, it must definitively be an it, again "Answer now, don't you know who i am?"

    "If i try to just think an answer, maybe the voice will hear me" Mikael thought and was immediately answered "That is correct. why don't you know this? Every unicorn is trained at this.". "Unicorns?" Mikael thought confused. "Yes, are you not a unicorn? Only a unicorn or a alicorn could send a mental signal like that." "I'm not a horse with a horn, as for an alicorn, i don't know what that is.". Mikael was getting really confused when the voice in his head asked a very peculiar question "Where in Equestria are you?". "Equestria? where is that? I'm in North Europe." It was like Mikael had been hit with a confuse ray. "you're not in Equestria? Where are you then... no. it can't be... are you of a bipedal race?" "What? yes, of course i am, what else would i be? Oh wait, unicorn, apparently".  Mikael moved his arm closer to the orb. "That is what i thought. But you shouldn't be able to send out a mental signal". Mikael touched the orb, and everything immediately turned white.

    ***

    "Princess... Princess!" Twilight Sparkle asked. "What is it Twilight Sparkle" Princess Celestia answered. "You were suddenly so quiet and distant. Is everything alright?" "Yes, my faithful student, everything is fine". Twilight Sparkle checked her checklist and then said "I think somepony else should take over here now, i feel really tired and besides, most of the work is already done". "That is probably the best solution" Celestia answered "I'll get a replacement, go and get some sleep."

    "Oh, what a wonderful field of books! there are even books growing on the trees!" Twilight sparkle said. "Twilight, Twilight!" someone yelled in the distance. The sound grew stronger. "Twilight!". "TWILIGHT!". Twilight Sparkle woke up violently, only to see that Spike were trying to wake her up. "Oh, it was just you". "Of course it was me, who else could it have been?" Spike asked puzzled. "Ugh, never mind, i was just having a dream" Twilight answered, and yawned. "Why did you wake me up so early anyways?". "Princess Celestia has asked for you and the elements to come to the containment control base. She didn't say why" Spike answered, and continued "I've made a light breakfast for you, want some". "Yeah, sure. I'm pretty hungry" Twilight said, and got out of bed.

    "Spike, go fetch Rainbow dash and tell her to get Fluttershy" Twilight said, and continued "Applejack should be here soon with Pinkie Pie, so i should go to Rarity and get her to come too". Twilight walked to the Carousel Boutique, and wondered why the Princess would need them. "Maybe the outbreak is worsening?" Twilight thought while she knocked on Rarity's door. After a short while Rarity opened the door "Darling, why do you wake me up so early, you know i need my beauty sleep". "Sorry Rarity, but the princess has asked for all six of us to come. She didn't tell why." Twilight answered, getting a little frantic. "But you need to hurry up, we can't be late, the princess is waiting for us!". Rarity sighed, and said "But a lady simply can't go undressed to meet the princess!". "Ugh, we don't have time for this" Twilight said, and started pushing Rarity. "But, Twilight, you can't mean that i should go undressed?" "Yes i do, now stop struggling and we will get there faster."

    "I hope Princess Celestia don't have anything scary to tell us" said Fluttershy, getting scared. "It's nothing for the fastest Pegasus in Equestria" Rainbow Dash almost yelled out. Twilight cleared her throat "The princess has asked for our audience, and we need to hurry" Fluttershy refused to move "Fluttershy, Darling, there is probably nothing to worry about." Rarity said, trying to calm her down. "So there's a probability?" Fluttershy said, getting more frightened by the second. "We don't have time for this" Twilight said, using her magic to drag Fluttershy along.

    ***

    "Thank you for meeting up on a so short notice" Princess Celestia said, and continued "The reason i have called you here is that last night, one source of pollution let out a burst of energy. I don't know what has caused this, and need all of you to find that out while I go to Fillydelphia." "We will do our best princess" Twilight answered. "That is reassuring to know. Take care my little ponies" Said the princess, flying away. "Okay ponies, the source of pollution is located just outside of the Everfree forest. Rainbow Dash, i would like you to give us an overview" Twilight instructed the ponies. "Got it" said Rainbow Dash, before dashing of. "Rarity, i need you to help me holding back the contamination, when we find out what has caused the burst in energy" "Of course, i will do anything for our princess!" Twilight was just about to give some instructions to the rest of the ponies when Rainbow Dash came crashing down. When she recovered, a couple of seconds later, she said "I saw something lying besides the source. It wasn't a pony or anything I've ever seen in my life!" And continued "It looked like it was sleeping, or knocked out." After thinking a little about what Rainbow Dash had said, Twilight said "It must have something to do with the burst of energy. We need to get it out of there, it may be our only hope to discover why this happened."

    "Applejack, you and Pinkie go get the hot air balloon, maybe we can get the thing out of there from the air." Twilight ordered Applejack, who replied "Sure thing sugar cube. come on pinkie" "okie dokie lokie!" Then Twilight turned to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash "I will need you two to get the thing when Applejack has hoisted it up from the Contaminated zone" "Got it!" They said in unison. Fifteen minutes later Applejack and Pinkie Pie was back with the balloon, and some rope. "Okay, Applejack and Pinkie go in the balloon. Rainbow dash and Fluttershy, drag the balloon just over the spot where you saw it."

    "Applejack, this is the moment, you think you can do it? It can't be easy from up here." Rainbow dash said to Applejack. "Ah can do it my sleep." Applejack answered, and threw the lasso. it missed. "Ah can do it, bad luck, thats all" "Bad luck, yeah right" Rainbow Dash mumbled. Applejack ignored it, and threw the lasso again. This time it caught what looked like the things leg, and Applejack said "Told ya". Applejack began to heist the thing up, getting help from Pinkie. When it was out of the zone, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy grabbed a hold in it, and began to fly it back to Twilight with it.

    "Ugh, what happened, where am I?" Mikael said while opening his eyes, just to see six pastel colored ponies. "What. The. Fuck"

    Authors notes

    One thing, when talking about the Confuse ray, yes, I am talking about the most annoying attack in pokèmon history.

    Comments ( 17 )

    #1 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    People don't like human-pony stories, but they deserve to be praised by all! I want to see what happens in this story, once I get around to reading it so I'll track for later and tell you what I think.

    #2 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>378877 care to mention the errors so i can fix them?

    #3 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Well, "few" would be a understatement. There is a TON of the most basic errors in there. Capital letter at the start of a new sentence, this is something one learns in 1st grade. The concept and the story is good. I'll give you that one. Use a online grammar checking program, would definitely help.:pinkiecrazy:

    #4 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Okay here is my review because I really want you to go on.

    Number 1. Capitalization: You have a very good thing going on here, though your grammar might need some work that is okay. So, every time you come to a new sentence, after dialogue capitalize the first letter of the first word. For instance: Twilight Sparkle checked her checklist and then said "I think somepony else should take over here now, i feel really tired and besides, most of the work is already done". "that is probably the best solution" Celestia answered "I'll get a replacement, go and get some sleep."

    Now look at this way, I will make the corrections bold so you can see them: Twilight Sparkle checked her checklist and then said, "I think somepony else should take over here now, I feel really tired and besides, most of the work is already done." "That is probably the best solution" Celestia answered. "I'll get a replacement, go and get some sleep."

    Now, another thing you need to make another paragraph when a new character speaks. Like this: Twilight Sparkle checked her checklist and then said, "I think somepony else should take over here now, I feel really tired and besides, most of the work is already done."

    "That is probably the best solution" Celestia answered. "I'll get a replacement, go and get some sleep."

    This makes it ten times easier to read. Plus in a way it's easier to write.

    2. Just make your I's capitalized, and make sure you make a new paragraph every now and again, and it won't look as intimidating to read.

    3. (warnings) I expect more hate coming from the general concept of him being a pony. Now, I like this concept, and actually I prefer it over the real human being in Equestria. (It bugs the hell out of me.) So instantly this story gets 2 cookies from me. But just know that if you get rid of almost all the mistakes, then people will generally hate it less.

    Please, do go one with this. Your dialogue isn't bad, and over all it works really well. But please make sure you fix this stuff up, because grammar is what kills a lot of people. :twilightsmile:

    Good luck!

    - Noakwolf, writer of many arsome stories. Well not many, but two, and they are pretty cool... yeah...

    #5 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>378905 sorry, i am used to have the first letter capitalized automatic. will remember next chapter.

    #6 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Not to be a grammar nazi but, italics are for thoughts and telepathic communication, normal is for vocal speech. It gets confusing if you don't follow this rule.:derpyderp2:

    #7 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>378920 thanks for telling me. and as for him being a half pony, the picture is only the end result, my idea is that the "magic" in Equestria is dangerous to humans. so humans can't be in Equestria.

    UFB
    #8 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    "why were i dragged here?"

    "why was i dragged here?"

    "i hope Princess Celestia has something scary to tell us" said Fluttershy

    This just doesnt seem right...

    Couple of issues I spotted, I do quite like the idea of something hurting both worlds like this and I am looking forward to where its going to do, would recommend word or something with a grammer check though, the missing capitals got quite grating.

    Like the idea of the story, I'm looking forward to more

    #9 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    There, most of the capitalizing errors should be gone. I also corrected some other errors.

    #10 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>378901  in Canterlot, Princess Celestia is (was) having a bad day. not only was (had) another source of pollution been found, but Luna was also extra moody today (that day). The pollutions origin is (was) unknown, but Celestia have a clue(had an idea). "guard, what are (is) the situation in Fillydelphia?" the American have (has) lost his fingers and gained a green color an (in) his hand. the Spanish man have gotten (has grown) several patches of red fur. The mistakes are underlined and corrections are in (red) I didn't notice any mistakes in chapter 2.

    #11 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>379075 thanks for pointing out, i will fix it. but it shouldn't be (in), it should be on.

    #12 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    seeing your avatar, I'm guessing that English isn't your mother tongue :applejackunsure:

    Don't worry about it, though. I'm Dutch and have the exact same problem. :pinkiehappy:

    I never complain about bad grammar if it's coming from a non-english speaking person.

    #13 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    I didn't expect myself to like this story. :pinkiehappy:

    Looks like I'm going to read Twilight!:twilightangry2:

    Translation: I WANT MORE! don't worry; I won't really read twilight... :twilightoops:

    #14 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    >>379135

    Indeed, using creative writing as a way to improve your English is great. Especially with a fairly helpful community like MLP.

    I'll have to pass on this one unfortunately. I'm picky about my human-turning-into-ponies stories. Still I wish you the best of luck on this.

    #15 · 59w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Please, please, please use a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. It makes reading this an eyesore.

    And a Pokemon fan I still have to say that the Confuse Ray thing doesn't make any sense. It's distracting and completely out of context. Why not just say he was confused? It's not like this is suddenly a Pokemon crossover.

    #16 · 59w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>379599 i'm writing an alicorn/discord history story....

    #17 · 59w, 4d ago · · ·
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    >>379613 yeah sorry, the confuse ray was just supposed to be a joke.

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