I'm older than your average brony, but then I've always enjoyed cartoons. I'm an experienced reviewer, EqD pre-reader, and occasional author.
Why are Fluttershy and Big Macintosh always standing around together but saying nothing? Certainly Twilight can fix this.
Written for an Equestria Daily pre-readers' prompt exchange. Stories here.
My prompt was: She could do nothing but watch as the consequences of her actions unfolded. (Character need not actually be female.)
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BUT WHERE WAS END?!
I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised when the other shoe dropped in this one, even though I was waiting for it. That ending (or lack thereof) really sits oddly though, so I hope you're planning to flesh it out a bit more.
Also, as a note, I'm not sure if you planned on this, but having Twilight continue to orchestrate the repair effort at the end felt counter-intuitive to the story's purpose to me. I think the whole message in the conflict was that she screwed things up by taking over, and should just let love or other natural affairs run their course. It's not an original message, but given that the conceit of the story is one that's been done a great deal before, maybe it's something that could be approached in a bold enough way to make it revelatory. It was well told, and had me hoping along with the characters as it went, but I feel like it was missing something as the finish came about.
Good stuff either way, and glad to have another one in the bucket for le epic prereader face-off.
2783982
It was left deliberately open-ended. Twilight's circumspect about what might change and what might not, but ultimately, we don't know. I wanted the reader feeling that uneasy dichotomy with her and speculating the same about what might happen next.
And her continuing to orchestrate things was also deliberate. We can only fight our nature so much, after all. And she might screw it up just as badly again as a result.
2784093
Fair enough. Both left a feeling of unease and wanting more, but if that's meant to emulate Twilight's perspective therein, it certainly worked well.
2784139
That's my intention, anyway, not to discount your reaction to it. If you found it didn't work, then that's another piece of the puzzle. I debated at ending it before Twilight rushed after Fluttershy, but figured she'd look like an ass if I didn't show her trying to fix things.
Yeah, I'd have to go with NTSTS on this one, though I'd qualify it by saying that it's less about resolution and more about feeling that the story doesn't so much end as stops—as if there is a scene missing. Outside of that I think where the story ends in terms of information provided is just about spot on.
And yes, the underlying story is a little procedural, but I'd also agree that there's so much to be said for simply doing it well. I will, however, never be able to look at the kind of said-isms you use in the same way again: they irk me.
Ho hum.
-Scott
I believe the lesson learned here is to run all "set your friends up on a date" plans by Rarity/someone who knows the details of who likes who. Alternatively, don't have bright ideas all by yourself.
Also, count me in as another vote that the ending felt very abrupt. While the message of the story feels complete, the story itself doesn't.
Dear Princess Celestia,
You should never try to help your friends out, because it will backfire horribly on you and they'll hate you forever.
Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle
2785133
Saidisms. Here's my count:
Said: 17
Asked: 4
Called: 4
Answered: 2
Replied: 2
Added, admonished, blurted, grumbled, read, shouted, squeaked, ventured, yelled: 1 each.
I honestly have no idea what your issue with this is. None of these are unusual words, any that are used more than once are absolutely inconspicuous, and nearly half are "said." That's pretty much the ratio I always shoot for, and I wasn't even consciously aiming for it. Most of the dialogue didn't even have a speaking verb.
As to the rest... Well, don't make more out of this than it is: less than a week's effort, completely unedited, and someone else's idea that I wasn't particularly invested in, just to have a bit of fun and maybe let PresentPerfect see a couple of interesting things come out of his prompt. This will absolutely not be edited or revised, and I wouldn't have even posted it publicly if Alex hadn't asked us to.
Came for FluterMac, got blindsided by one way FlutterJack...was not expecting that in the least. Anyways that doesn't stop it from being a good story. Great job
Did you put two of my favorite ships in here just for me? Oh Pasco, you shouldn't have. <3
2787812
" I'm not happy with you Twilight." 
" UUUUUUUhhhhhhh.... what happened?????"
"Sorry my mistake.."
Same here, I like what you've written but it just stops, doesn't even feel like an 'open-ended' ending, it's more as if the writing just stops dead mid-scene.
Good premise, but could do with a continuation.
/ 10
Had me hooked, but unsure about how you wanted to end it. I could easily keep on reading such a well written and interesting story. Aw well. Keeps the reader thinking after they've finished it. Greenthumbed.
lol what Twilight thought
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What was really happening
I'm not really for gay shipping, no offense. I stopped when I figured out what you planned on doing. Anyway I'm sure it would've been a great story, I know it was up until the AJ part. My time was well spent
6516871
I basically recycled the spirit of this story idea into The Art and Science of Letter Writing, if you like the setup but prefer straight shipping.
6517535 Alright thanks