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Tank160 stories ·23 members

If you hand't come along...

Remember when Tank saved Rainbow Dash when her wing was stuck in a boulder? What if Tank was unable to save her that quickly? We will see....

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Ian_Okazaki

Ian_Okazaki #1 · Feb 19th, 2012 · · ·

Well this was... interesting.

Tamar

Tamar #2 · Feb 19th, 2012 · · ·

I confess I didn't read it fully, but I read enough to see that there are a few issues with the writing.

You might well have a very good and interesting story idea, but the trouble is if the writing style reads awkwardly then very few people are likely to actually read the whole thing.

I think one of your main issues is with speech - always put a new speaker on a new line. Speech needs to end with punctuation, like "Help me!" Rainbow cried, instead of "Help me" Rainbow cried. Also try to avoid using too many different words for "said" - if in doubt just use that word, rather than constantly going for yelled, shouted, answered, cried, etc.

I recommend you send this to the reviewers over at ponychan's /fic/ board. As you say, it's your first fic, so don't be discouraged by some bad reception - with some help from the reviewers, you could make this great. Good luck!