Fanfiction masochist. :B She/they https://ko-fi.com/presentperfect
All I ever wanted was to use my talents to protect the ponies I cared about. With confidence, good aim, and ponies I trust by my side, I was able to do just that in the small town of Millstone. But there are some things you can't always count on.
It's not unusual for a pony to run from her past here in the Wasteland. I just didn't know I was running.
Written for the June 2013 Pre-Reader Battle.
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GOD THAT COVER IMAGE IS SHIT LRN2PHOTOCHOP NOOBBBBB
What's this? I thought you hated FoE.
NOPE.
IT BEGINS
I'll read this when I have time to do so and then leave you lots of comments :3c
This was quite a pleasant read. There really aren't nearly enough FO:E oneshots out there; people only seem to write sprawling epics for some reason. I think the FO:E universe is a perfect vehicle for concise and emotionally-impacting stories, and I'd say yours delivered. Keep up the good work.
2780535
Yes2780576
No2781113
This comment makes it all worthwhile. :D Thanks.
I'm not sure what to think. I always figured you were above this kind of thing.
2781801
Your tears, give them to me. :V
2781842
Tears? Not really. Can you drink headshakes?
Oddly enough, I just posted my own "It's not FoE, but it kind of is" story, a chapter of my "New Pony Tales" series called "The Emperor." I'm actually proud of it.
Must sleep. Comments tomorrow...
YOU MANIAC
YOU WROTE IT ALL
DAMN YOU
CELESTIA DAMN YOU ALL TO TARTARUS
Well, apart from the ending being rather cheesy, I will say this managed to keep my attention through to the end, at least. I think there was a bit of a cop-out near the end, as one shots that leave themselves too open leave a bad taste in my mouth. I think some of the dialogue was stilted, as well, and I still don't get how everypony was so easily fooled before the big fight. But the turnaround at the ending was interesting for what it was.
Overall, I would say this was good.
2782705
And this is just the beginning! :V
I don't get how they were fooled either. :B I tried not to think about that too much while pounding out words. The ending is the weakest part because I got down there and went SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE AN ENDING NOW so I pulled a bunch more words out of my ass until I felt less like drowning. The character story actually overtook the central idea I started with, and it turned out I had no idea how to resolve it. :B (Also, Free Range was initially just going to get shot in the leg or something, but I figured this ending would be a little more poignant.)
Have a stream-of-consciousness review, as promised. Sections are notated as I read through 'em.
That's it for sections stuff. Here are my overall thoughts:
This story felt pretty cohesive to me overall, though I think the particulars of the sub-universe it's in threw me off in places. I'm also a bit bummed it ended where it did - while ambiguous endings are one thing, it feels like you've built up a really interesting character and plot by the end, but we don't get to see where it goes. There were some elements of rushed pacing in the sections around the main conflict, and as mentioned, some stuff I felt was over-the-top dramatic, but I'm pretty sure that's necessary in this mythos, and you certainly pulled off the mood well.
Good use of the prompt as well, and grats on turning out something so coherent on such short notice.
Yay! Let's see how long it takes for me to actually read this thing! I'll let you know when that happens.
2780535
I know that's kind of an arrogant thing to say, but I think Present Perfect proved that she still has a lot to learn as a writer.
Not the impression I got from his blogs, but even if he did hate FoE, that still doesn't preclude the temptation to beat Kkat at her own game.
2781113
Honestly, though, I would always, always be more inclined to long-form stories as opposed to short ones, FoE or no FoE.
And I'm part of the problem, or at least I plan to be. I suppose I'm a little bit sorry about that.
Hooray! Present Perfect writes Fallout: Equestria!
Opening felt a bit stilted—a little too much 'here is some information you'll need later'—but it does give some good context to jump into the story proper. I quite like the fairly slow wind-up though: it reads very smoothly and does a much better job of setting the main character up (maybe I'd have preferred to see the opening as a flashback in here, so that it felt more tied to the character).
I also really enjoyed the latter sections after Free Range turned up. Altogether too many fanfics fail to draw me sufficiently in one direction to give me any sense of engagement with the swerve, but this delivered magnificently; however, I found the shifting of Free Range's mental state to be a bit on the arbitrary side. I'm happy to put that down to the time limit etc. and not hold it too harshly with regard to my overall opinion, but it definitely marred the overall impact.
Still. Thumbs up from me, and I haven't given many of those out lately!
-Scott
2783557
Nope, all OCs
donut steele.I am slightly irritated by this comment, considering I made the statement a while ago in regards to this story that I hated all the OC names. :| Thought was put into Single Action, Free Range, Monolith and to a lesser extent, Cheapt Shot, but all the rest were me pulling things out of my ass via the guideline of "sounds pony but isn't too happy".
He takes himself really seriously. :B Note he asks Single to address him as Captain.
Yeah, I had some issues with that. Good catches on those. Not sure how I could make her sound more female though.
Couldn't figure out a better way to get to it. :/ You'll notice that's the only description of her I give, too.
Knowing nothing but a basic idea behind FoE, do you feel anything was ambiguous or confusing? I wasn't actually trying to make it accessible as a story, but I kind of feel like it might be, or at least partway there.
Fuck me, I've set myself up for a sequel. D: I didn't mean to, I swear. But the whole point was to resolve this lost-regained-lost friendship and the baggage both ponies have been carrying with them since childhood. Which, I have no idea if I actually accomplished that, so...
Pacing is my albatross. The melodrama is, I hope, endemic to the setting. Who knows. :B
You're one to talk. :3 Like I said in the A/N, it was just a lucky stroke of having an idea and being able to explore it shortly thereafter.
2785214
Yeah, her mental state is one of the things I'd have liked to work out more. :B Not sure if I will now. I hate posting drafts.
Dunno about this. The beginning felt distinctively un-FoE-ish, like you were writing about kids growing the slums or the like. It also felt like just a big bunch of exposition that could have been spread around the rest of the fic (and much of it is repeated later). I am not sure that the story would be better without it, but it could surely benefit from a major rewrite. Other than that, it is a damn fine FoE fic.
I think that there are few FoE one-shots because, in this kind of universe it is hard to see things as "concluded", unless some kind of large world-altering event took place (or we see the protagonist dying). Even FoE ending feels more like an extended denouement than a true conclusion.
Applying that to this work, I'd say it makes me feel that this would work better as an intro to a larger story, although I doubt that theoretical story as a whole would be better than this as an one-shot.
2796725
Yes. I have an idea for a longer piece. Hoping to get that started sometime soon.
If you liked this, spread the word! :)
There are no spaces before and after those dashes if I recall correctly.
I'm sorry, PP. I had a relatively large comment (by my standards) regarding my three problems with the story, but then my iPod ran out of batteries. I'll try and summarize, but I don't think the point will be as clear.
1. I found Range's character to be someone lacking in depth. She's written as if she's purely motivated by revenge, rather than using revenge as a means to reach some other aspiration. I find the 'trauma in childhood, vengeful in adulthood'-type character is not very strong when nothing more is added to the character.
2. The contrast between Action and Range's reactions to the battle--Action wants peace without death, Range appears to simply want revenge coming from death--creates a very black and white setting morally. There's no grey side, no wondering if maybe Range's methods are right after all, which I found to be one of the major things that made Fo:E so interesting.
3. I found "Charismatic Mercenary Leader's" (I legitimately cannot remember his name as of writing this) decision to attack the town to be quite forced. He loses all the charisma and respect he was portrayed to have when he does his frankly idiotic speech and 'count to five' plan. I mean, he does not seem to notice that if the town really was intent on attacking them then they'd be armed and shooting rather than frantically trying to defuse the situation, along with some other issues.
Or something like that.
On the whole, the story was enjoyable to read, but I have a couple of problems I'd like to see your opinions on.
2813270
Nope, totally agree. Glad you commented, I really appreciate it. :D
Shit, now that FoE: Fo' Realz is fo' realz up on Fimfic, I'm tempted to rewrite this so I can actually say HEY LOOK I WROTE ONE OF THESE and not feel like a complete asshat. :/
Wow, it's been ten whole weeks since I last commented on this, and I've only just now sat down to read it.
As for the commentary... I'm not sure what to think. I'm not great with criticism, certainly not as good as some other people who've commented, but here goes.
-I'm at least glad that you pulled off the short story in this universe, since we honestly do need more of these short vignettes to balance things out.
-As for the narrative voice, I did honestly think Single was male until you said otherwise in the story.
-I'm not sure I agree that Free Range's character has poor motivations. I was expecting something like an honest reconciliation, so what happened was a legit surprise and it did affect me the way you probably wanted it to.
-Can you really put the Tragedy tag on this if all of the main characters live? I was expecting Single, Free Range, or both to be dead at the end. Wait, no, Single made himself leave the place he thinks of as a comfortable home and Millstone is slightly less prepared against raiders than before. That sucks too.
-That cutie mark thing was kind of neat in symbolism, but didn't get much buildup. Not sure how much you could have done about it considering the story's short length.
-Also unsure if the abusive parent thing that the whole story is built on is a good thing or if it's a groaner of a cliche. I'm gonna lean towards being charitable here.
-Probably my favorite part of the story is, well, remember when we talked about how much gore is too much in these sorts of stories? I didn't entirely understand what boundaries you meant until I read this fic, which was still violent but not excessively so. It proved educational.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
3170407
Yay! :D Thanks for the feedback.
Forget something? :B
3170555
Just fixed it there.
I tried to think about whether or not this story needed to be FoE or if it could be any sort of post-apocalyptic story. Ultimately I decided that it doesn't matter, since a killjoy could argue that half the good stories on this site don't "need" to have ponies at all.
3174041
It doesn't have to be, no. But in wanting to write something focusing on ponies with guns, it's easier to make use of an existing universe whose creator put it up for just such a thing than try to justify it in an original setting, not to mention the physics thereof, etc. etc. (Quite honestly, I don't like stories where ponies have guns, and I simply have no idea how I'd go about creating a believable setting to explore the theme I wanted to use in this story.)
As for the tragedy thing, well, at the end you've got Free Range who's lost her freedom, and Single questioning whether the beliefs she's built her life around actually hold up. Of course, I don't think I got that across very well.
WhenIf I rewrite this, I'll try and play that up a bit more. It'll also be a trilogy, with one story each focusing on Single (who I've decided needs to be called "Sig" for short because seriously, fuck that name), Free Range and Miracle Mile as they journey out to Tenpony Tower and back.I really liked it :3
That's a terrible comment but I have to go back to work. More when I get home.
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GOOD ENOUG
3225341
NOPE.
The story here took a turn that I wasn't really expecting, and I really, really like that. I knew the mercenaries would become trouble, but how they became trouble took me totally by surprise. Very nicely played on your part.
So let's talk about Free Range and Single Action. The dynamic between them was fantastic, with the two of them like reflections through a broken mirror. The way their interaction in the bar went from casual to downright corrosive happened in such a wonderfully calculated manor. I enjoyed the entire story, but I think THAT was my favorite part. Free Range shows her true colors right then and there, and it's magnificent and cruel in an astonishing way.
Single Action, in sharp contrast, is upfront and honest, and generally admirable. She's an injured child trying to repent for things long since past, and the weight of her guilt makes her anything but a cliched hero. Her goal in life is to do her job and hope that is enough. All the more reason that Free Range is so easily able to bring it all crashing down.
I am left with one burning question, having finished this piece. The lesson at the end of the day is forgiveness, and we close out with Single Action and Free Range at a cease fire, the hatchet seemingly buried. I can't help but wonder, though, if Free Range only accepts this because she has no choice, and were she able to repair her eyes, would she continue down the dark path?
Anyway, I think that's all I've got. Eleven weeks after the fact, but definitely worth the read, and hopefully my reactions were worth the wait.
Bravo~
3226017
This is informative, and the first in-depth positive feedback I've gotten on this story. <.< Knowing what works is just as important as knowing what doesn't. Thank you.
3227654
Any time, buddy :3
Well that was an enjoyable read.
I really liked the ideas that you had and the characters were all very entertaining and well thought out. This story's main problem that I had was that it just didn't seem very polished. As per pare with all FO:E, the story has first person and it's well done, you don't have any issues with tenses or anything so props. You also have decent pacing which, it does get a bit jumpy but it works, I think can be a real b*tch to get in a short short story. However, some parts of this story did seem rather poorly done, the scene were Free Range is telling Single about there Cutie marks and what she's been up to went over my head (but I can be pretty thick so...
). The exposition in the story bugged me with how we only learned about some things as they were happening or become relevant (gives the story a cheap feeling), Single's cutie mark comes to mind. Additionally there are a few inconsistent pieces in there that bugged me (the Mayor's name is different in the last mentioning), but being that you wrote this for a prompt in a short period of time I have to say this came out well.
I liked, SA as a character, her struggle was an understandable one and very sympathetic (still cant ever bring my self to use "relatable" in anything FO:E). Her struggle and character develop well thought out the story, complemented by the supporting characters very well. The antagonist was a horrifyingly brilliant in concept and execution, I really liked her a lot.
The resolution is something that I might have to mull over. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it but I don't really have any legitimate criticisms of it. I just found it anti-climatic I guess.
So, great job. Have an up vote
7109081
Thanks for the feedback, and for catching that typo with the Mayor's name. I don't know how that happened! :O
It's funny (well, probably more an indication you wrote the beginning effectively) that at the end you mention this was all based on the idea that "Guns are meant for the weak to protect themselves from the powerful", because while reading the story the thing that most immediately and strongly jumped out at me was
It was a few short lines that pretty much filled in on their own how the events of the prologue shaped the attitudes of Single Shot. And, of course, how that's led her to making bad decisions in the present. So bearing that in mind, yeah, I think the "tragedy" tag was certainly earned.
I also enjoyed the way this essentially depicted an idea of what normality might be like in the Wasteland, and the challenges of maintaining it.
That said, while I thought Single Shot was well characterized (as well as the mayor playing her foil during the set-up) and I enjoyed Free Range through most of their interaction, the sudden switch from cold to hot hate and accompanying violence threw me, and I felt there were some iffy points in the backstory and the start of the battle. The original portrayal in the prologue had me thinking that Single's father had regularly killed kids ("never see them again" doesn't help in that respect, implying at least some possibility of some deaths, and where foals survived, it's hard to buy the never seeing them again unless they all left Friendship City, since it's not exactly a huge place and you later established a school with grades and all that), which would be hard to justify nobody noticing, and even anything like as severe as Range received runs into similar problems. There's also a feeling of arbitrariness of why Single acted that time and not before, which is exacerbated by the impression that severe damage or death was something that happened sometimes; you get a bit of distance just from her being six and thus simple development/aging, and the detail of her getting too big for her hiding place serving as an impetus for the realization that she couldn't keep doing the same thing would have given more support if it had been closer to the decision. Both of these might have been mitigated by more detail of what happened before--why the assaults were something everyone else was able to overlook could also give room for distinguishing this assault from those that came before to justify why it was the one that prompted Single to action. (Pun not intended, but I like it now so I'll leave it there. :V ) Then there are details within the battle that seem wrong to me based on what's on the surface, like the attack after the Molotov was thrown despite no follow-up from the town and the gates being sabotaged. Was this intended to be Monolith using Free Range (or them intentionally working together) instead of the reverse, and Single Action just failing to pick up on it because she's blinded by the shock of meeting her once again and the guilt?
Anyway, on the whole, liked the story, and it's nice to see the occasional FoE that introduces a cast and tells a simple, self-contained story in a reasonably sized package. Also, thought it was a fun coincidence that you wound up using Gin Rummy as an FoE-pony name.
7418974
Thanks for the feedback, you caught a few things no one else has. :) One of these days, I'll rewrite this into a three-part series...
well, when i read that you wrote a FoE parody i went browsng your stories and found just this one with the Fallout Equestria title…
yeah…
it wasn't what i did expect. don't get me wrong, it is good, i like it. the Whole thing bout not finding the sternght or not willing to forgive and the stubborness of not wanting to make a wrong worse is really good and the fallout mood is quite there. remind me of the hopelessness that surrounds you in fallout 3, and i fondly remember that mood.
now, where is the parody?
8934417
So far unwritten. :B I'm kind of mentally gearing myself up to write another serious fic first, though. I've been planning these things for years. D:
And this one needs to be rewritten, too. :C